Paul Collingwood's captaincy comes on in leaps and bounds

The day before yesterday:



Aeroplane impressions. This is not good captaincy and England lose.

Yesterday:



Proper finger captaincy. That's how you captain a side - it's all in the fingers. England win.

Thandi Tshbalala - a South African spinner (no, really)

South Africa are playing a spinner. The lines of communication must have been severed inside Castle South Africa (which is where the South African cricket team is controlled from) because South Africa never EVER pick a spinner.

Today, against India, they have. And he's got a cool name. He's called [copy, paste] Thandi Tshbalala and he's an off-spinner.

'What about Nicky Boje?', you ask. 'He was a spinner'.

No, he wasn't.

'Yes he was. Look at this page from Cricinfo.'

No... He wasn't...

'Okay. What about Paul Adams then?'

Was he? Was he really? We wouldn't like to venture what he was.

Even Kevin Pietersen was considered a spinner back when he was South African. Look. He even batted at nine like spinners are supposed to.

Picture from Cricinfo

Paul Collingwood - a captain who can bat?

Batting average before the captaincy versus batting average while captain. It's every English cricket writer's favourite statistic. See: Mike Atherton, Alec Stewart, Nasser Hussain, Michael Vaughan, Andrew Flintoff and just about anyone else who's ever tossed a coin for this great nation.

"Oh no, please, this cumbersome captaincy has rendered me overladen", they all cry. "Deciding whether to post a second gully yesterday has led me to spoon my third ball to mid-off again. Oh for those carefree days when I could just hum Eric Clapton tunes while standing at third slip."

Hopefully Paul Collingwood's thumping 80 off 41 balls in the Twenty20 last night is a sign that he'll be different.

An appeal for no genitals

The little-known mode of dismissal 'no genitals' occurs when a member of the fielding side takes the field without their reproductive organs.



Shane Warne, having just bowled a delivery to Andrew Strauss, notices that Matthew Hayden has no genitals and consequently appeals. The other fielders join in, Hayden indicating that he is the subject of the appeal by thrusting his groin towards the umpire.

'No genitals' had been a rarely used mode of dismissal up until the 2005 Ashes series when it had to be withdrawn as the Australians came to rely on it as almost their sole means of dismissing opposing batsmen.

A certain amount of credit/guilt for this update should go to former Goodie, Tim Brooke-Taylor who described an appeal for LWB (large white baggies) in his book 'Tim Brooke-Taylor's Cricket Box'.

Luke Wright hits a Twenty20 hundred

About this time yesterday, Luke Wright of Sussex's Twenty20 batting average was seven and a half from 12 innings.

It was therefore something of a step up to come in at number three against Kent last night and thrash 103 off just 45 balls - but that's exactly what Luke Wright did.

Rob Key had earlier hit 62 off 46 balls, which is one ball longer and therefore better.

Worcestershire's ground, New Road, flooded after Severn bursts its banks

You could have as many mackintoshed men with pitchforks as you like, but it'll take a touch more to clear this.

Dragging the rope across the outfield's not going to do a lot either.

Surrey v Middlesex Twenty20 match report

The Scientician - he of Jaffa Cake fame - sent us a match report of the Twenty20 match between Surrey and Middlesex on Friday.

Here it is:

It was dark. It rained. The cricket didn't stop.

There were two Scooby Doos sat next to each other.



I'd like to think that either:

(a) Each didn't know that the other would be wearing a Scooby Doo costume, much like the plot of an American teen drama - how embarrassing, turing up to the prom/party/cricket in the same dress/top/Scooby Doo costume in order to impress Todd/Jason/Rampers.

Or (b) They, like most other people in the crowd, had come straight from work, but at their work they have to dress as Scooby Doo.

The queue for the bar was very long, but a man talked to us about the Middlewich Folk and Boat, so it was okay.

Beer prices were okay, considering this was London. Rubbish beer though: Marston's Smooth and Foster's.

There were lots of chinless wonders too.



The Jaffa Cake was my friend's idea. She thought it was hilarious. I'm yet to be convinced. I didn't bring the glove especially, I just happened to have it in my back pocket...

After we went to the pub and got really drunk. I got lost on the way home.

Sri Lanka v Bangladesh - day one match report

Miriam put this in the comments of the previous post. We're nothing if not lazy, so we're republishing the report in its entirety as a post in its own right. Thanks Miriam:

I watched this day of play on telly. Here is my match report (I know match reports are meant to be from live attendance, but it was a bit far to go given that I'm meant to be back at work tomorrow):

1) Michael Vandort has dyed his hair a reddish colour. As the day went on, the colour started to run onto his shirt collar. That shirt is now ruined - there's no way that's coming out in the wash.

2) There were lots of big crows / rooks / whatever they are called, on the field, being noisy, and being really quite indifferent to the cricket.

3) At one point the ball ended up lodged against Vandort's, erm, box.

4) Russell Arnold was commentating. He was quite good, I thought.

5) Jayawardene complained about Shahadat Hossain's grunt when he bowls.

6) Shakib Al Hasan top-scored for Bangladesh, but it was a very qualified success as his score was 16, out of a total of 89.

Five wickets for Murali

It's like someone's hacked out a big lump of our brain. We're thinking about what we're about to write and we're trying to come up with a title but nothing's happening.

We've forgotten how to use our mind. We just don't know how to get it moving. It doesn't come with any instructions or anything, so there's nothing to fall back on. Thinking's supposed to just happen, but what do you do when it doesn't just happen?

We also appear to be suffering from a touch of tunnel vision. If anyone thinks these symptoms add up to something serious can they let us know. We'd like to get comfy in time for rigor mortis to set in.

Now we've forgotten what we were going to write. Something about how Muralitharan's bowling figures against Bangladesh today (5-15) were the kind of figures you could be proud of.

It was something along the lines of: If they were your bowling figures, you could actually tell other people about them, unlike everything else you've ever done, which has been pathetically feeble and embarrassing.

Then we were going to say something about taking the bowling figures out for dinner, but that's when we started getting confused. Then our eyelids went all heavy.

Now we're really lost. This was actually even more confusing to write than it was to experience. Reading it through to check we'd written what we thought we had was more confusing still and re-reading this current sentence is probably going to break us.

Maybe we'll just click publish and hope that everything's okay. Hoping that everything's going to be okay worked for about an hour at some point in 2002 so we're sticking with it.

Jonathan Trott of Warwickshire gets very little written about him at King Cricket

It's been a couple of days since Jonathan Trott was named in England's one-day squad. We did a little thing about the other new boy, Dimitri Mascarenhas, but nothing's come to us about Jonathan Trott.

It's ironic because of the two of them we'd rather write about Jonathan Trott, because you don't have to really concentrate when you write his name. His first name ends '-an' not '-on'. That's all you have to remember.

Anyone got anything to proffer? Anything interesting that is - don't just go to Cricinfo and quote his average or something. We can do that. It's 41.48 in one-day cricket.

If you're Jonathan Trott and you know some facts about yourself make a bit of an effort. Just because you've been picked for England, you think you can just sit around on your arse all day. Well you can't. Pull your finger out and tell us what your favourite cheese is or something.

Dimitri Mascarenhas of Hampshire finally gets an England call-up

We're not someone who claims to have a history of being right about stuff. Not unless consistently pronouncing the letter H correctly adds up to as much. But either way, we think the selection of Dimitri Mascarenhas for the England one-day squad is a masterstroke.

Dimitri Mascarenhas has been one of the very finest one-day players in county cricket for bloody years now. His one-day bowling record stands up to anybody's. His average is 24 and he concedes runs at about four an over - which is good these days (Ian 'Fatty' Austin would have wept into his meat and potato pie if he'd conceded that many).

Dimitri Mascarenhas is 29. You might think that's a bit old for a bowler if you're building towards the next World Cup, but that's the best part. Dimitri Mascarenhas is a bowler who attracts terms like 'canny' and 'wily'. We dare say he varies his pace, but his range starts at 70mph and descends from there. Loss of pace isn't really going to be an issue. Loss of pace isn't really possible.

In addition to this, he's a handy middle to lower order batsman - something that England have been crying out for - and he's a razor sharp fielder.

England's one-day squad for the 2007 series v West Indies

It's exciting stuff. It's the first series since the World Cup, so there's the time-honoured cull, in addition to which there's a new coach and captain. It all adds up to some fairly major changes.

1. Paul Collingwood (Durham) (Captain)
2. James Anderson (Lancashire)
3. Ian Bell (Warwickshire)
4. Stuart Broad (Leicestershire)
5. Alastair Cook (Essex)
6. Dimitri Mascarenhas (Hampshire)
7. Monty Panesar (Northamptonshire)
8. Kevin Pietersen (Hampshire)
9. Liam Plunkett (Durham)
10. Matt Prior (Sussex)
11. Owais Shah (Middlesex)
12. Ryan Sidebottom (Nottinghamshire)
13. Jonathan Trott (Warwickshire)
14. Michael Yardy (Sussex)

We'll write something about a couple of the new guys later on.

One thing that strikes us is that Alastair Cook's the only specialist opener. Most people will presume that Matt Prior will be his partner. Prior's previously said that he doesn't really like opening and last time, when England were in India, he was crap at it - which may go some way to explaining his thoughts on the matter.

Ian Bell and Alastair Cook would be too World Cup 2007 surely, so maybe Owais Shah or Jonathon Trott are being considered. Both are pretty aggressive batsmen.

Confusing phrases we've coined today:

'World Cup 2007' as a way of highlighting occasions where there are two slow-scoring opening batsmen.

Twenty20 - a hit not a giggle

Twenty20 cricket has been a massive success since its inception, but is still quite widely regarded as populist fluff. 'Hit and giggle' is the dismissive term of choice for the thoughtless. But with the grounds full and large amounts of TV coverage, it's deadly serious stuff for the players.

It tends to be characterised as a slogathon, but that's massively unfair. Matches aren't generally won in the fours and sixes columns, but through sneaky singles and clever twos.

If you're in the middle, the puzzle's the same as it is in Test cricket. The batsman's trying to hit runs, the bowler's trying to stop him and take his wicket. Perhaps the batsman's more keen to strike out, but that's just the context of the game.

Don't grumble about bowlers taking cheap wickets or batsman hitting quick 20s. You're making the mistake of evaluating the game in terms of the longer format. It's a different context. You need to compare like with like.

Because the matches are only 20 overs a side, runs are at more of a premium. So a misplaced fielder or an expertly angled leg-glance could prove the difference between victory and defeat. Every ball counts. Twenty20 never coasts.

The best players in the world - in any form of the game - are the ones who can adapt to the match situation and the playing conditions and find a way of either scoring runs or taking wickets. That's what will win the Twenty20 Cup.

Go and see a game. Beneath the razzmatazz is a format of great merit.

More Twenty20 stuff via Harrow Drive

Kevin Pietersen declares himself unavailable for the England one-day captaincy

We'd like to go on record, throwing our full support behind our number one man, Paul Collingwood.

We always said he was the best man for the England one-day captaincy.

KP for captain

As a long term admirer of Paul Collingwood's, we immediately thought he was the best man to take over the one-day captaincy from Michael Vaughan. Having actually thought about it a bit, we've changed our mind.

It's because of the way that Kevin Pietersen plays the game. We don't mean aggressively or flamboyantly, although those could be positives. We mean how he's a proactive batsman rather than a reactive one.

Rather than adapt his game to the field set by the opposing captain, Kevin Pietersen sets out to change that field through his actions. He plays some odd shots, but they're usually played for a reason. You'll notice that if the field permits, KP plays orthodox strokes.

This all shows that he thinks about the game and that he wants to influence proceedings. That's a captain's role.

He's very clear-headed, he'll be 30 at the time of the next World Cup and what many people overlook is that he's massively, massively professional.

Our only real reservations are how this will work with Michael Vaughan and how the players might react to him. The second point could be a plus though. Despite his self-conscious 'team' behaviour, Pietersen's always been slightly adrift. You can't be 'one of the lads' and captain, so maybe this will solve that particular conundrum.

If Paul Collingwood gets the job, it's no bad thing either. England are fortunate.

Liam Plunkett holds his nerve

A cracking match at the Riverside. The Friends Provident Trophy semi final between Durham and Essex was proof that you don't need a glut of sixes and fours for excitement in the one-day game.

After Essex were bowled out for just 71 this was a low-scoring classic, with a single worth half a dozen fours in any other context. In the end it came down to a test of nerve. Fortunately for Durham and most promisingly for England, Liam Plunkett held his.

Of 19 batsmen who appeared at the crease, four got into double figures, two passed 20 and only one, Liam Plunkett, reached 30. This in addition to taking 4-15 with the ball.

Both teams fell to 38-7 and it was at this point that Plunkett came in for Durham. That was the difference. Plunkett scored at a run a ball while Ottis Gibson's five off 27 balls in support was the third-longest of the match.

We're delighted. There's no way that Liam Plunkett isn't going to play a part for England in the future and this was a fantastically gutsy effort that shows he's undaunted by pressure. Perhaps Plunkett will be a player who 'puts his hand up' when he's really needed.

We're putting our hand up now. It's no use to anyone - least of all ourself as our typing speed has diminished considerably.

Dwayne Bravo should aim higher

By the standards of this West Indies side, Dwayne Bravo has had a decent series, but those standards aren't good enough.

Five times in seven innings he's been out between 40 and 60. At least one of those should have been a hundred. The stage was set yesterday when West Indies were trying to save the game and he was batting alongside Shivnarine Chanderpaul - a man who likes getting out as much as he likes being kicked in the balls.

For some reason, Dwayne Bravo started playing a load of shots after lunch England hadn't felt like they could remove either batsman before the break, but now they were given hope. That hope was justified and once Bravo had departed, the procession began. Bravo was as culpable as anyone for the West Indies' defeat. He was actually in a position to prevent it.

If someone else other than Shiv starts taking some responsibility, perhaps some of the other players might follow suit. Dwayne Bravo seems the most likely to lead the way.

Despite never quite making the most of his chances, Dwayne Bravo will have learnt a lot on this tour. He's only 23 and this was his second Test tour to this country. On this occasion he spent a long time batting with Chanderpaul throughout the series and we dare say he'll learn more from that than any coaching or theoretical exercise.

We're presuming that Shiv actually shares information at the crease. If he does, then Bravo will have benefited hugely. Shiv knows what the bowling side are trying to achieve at any one time and he knows how to foil them.

Shiv hasn't really had the opportunity to pass on any knowledge to the likes of Runako Morton who didn't stay at the crease long enough to acknowledge a 'hello'. If Chanderpaul retires without helping at least one player, then the West Indian batsmen will be totally cut off from a line of communication that supports every Test side.

England v West Indies, fourth Test, day five at Chester-le-Street
West Indies 287 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 136 not out, Ryan Sidebottom 5-88)
England 400 (Paul Collingwood 128, Andrew Strauss 77, Matt Prior 62, Fidel Edwards 5-112)
West Indies 222 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 70, Chris Gayle 52, Monty Panesar 5-46, Matthew Hoggard 3-28)
England 111-3

England win the series 3-0

Michael Vaughan can't be arsed captaining the one-day side or summat like that

Michael Vaughan has resigned England's one-day captaincy. It would seem that there's a fair chance he won't appear in the team at all.

That would be quite sad, because it would mean that he had failed in one-day cricket and the vast majority of England supporters don't want that. They want Michael Vaughan to be a success in one-day cricket, as he is in Test cricket.

Many people, us included, still kind of think that Michael Vaughan could be a one-day success, but the evidence has been stacking up solely on one side for years now. It's just wishful thinking to believe otherwise and wishful thinking has no place in sport at this level.

Trust us. Wishful thinking's never got us an England call-up. Maybe the selectors will be swayed by the dynamite case we presented in our previous update.

Wishes that we're still waiting on:
Being picked for England
Finding a fiver
Never having to speak to anyone on the phone ever again
Magic poncho
Thinking about something other than death during the winter months

Paul Collingwood hits a hundred at home

It was Paul Collingwood's first Test on his home ground of Chester-le-Street and he hit a hundred - which is only right. We all hit hundreds at home.

Of course Paul Collingwood had to deal with other people when he made his hundred at home. He wasn't either of the umpires, other people bowled at him, they actually tried to get him out and even more terrifyingly, there were multiple ways of getting out - not just by breaking the greenhouse, which was the ONLY way of getting out when we played at home.

All-in-all Paul Collingwood's 128 was perhaps superior to our own 507 not out from back in 1987. On that occasion we had cleverly used a sponge ball in order to combat the only potential method of dismissal.

That gargantuan innings was only cut short when, following a rain break, the sponge ball started spattering us with dirty rain water when we tried to hit it for six. Its super-absorbency had also rendered it heavy enough to threaten the greenhouse, so we felt threatened enough to declare.

England v West Indies, fourth Test, day four at Chester-le-Street
West Indies 287 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 136 not out, Ryan Sidebottom 5-88)
England 400 (Paul Collingwood 128, Andrew Strauss 77, Matt Prior 62, Fidel Edwards 5-112)
West Indies 83-3 (Chris Gayle 52 not out)

Mark Davies wows in an understated way

Steve Harmison's still busy with England, but with Liam Plunkett having been banished to county cricket, Durham have got quite a seam attack.

There's Plunkett himself who'll be watched with interest. There's also Graham Onions, the cricketing cognoscenti's young pace bowler of choice for this season. He's the man whose name crops up whenever anyone's asked 'what other young bowler is doing well in county cricket at the moment?'

The third member of Durham's pace bowling unit is never mentioned in this way. It's Mark Davies and he's currently outbowling both Plunkett and Onions. As usual.

In Durham's current county championship match, Mark Davies took 2-32 in Hampshire's first innings. This is classic Mark Davies. Not many wickets, but very few runs. In the second innings he took 4-48. A better wicket haul, but crucially one wicket short of being newsworthy.

Against Lancashire last week, Davies took 4-62 and 3-34. You can see how cheaply he gets his wickets, can't you? Graham Onions went wicketless in that match, but he'll get a five-for at some point and hit the headlines.

Sir Ian of Beef

Ian Botham's finally been knighted.

When we grew up, Ian Botham was THE sportsman. Not just THE cricketer, but THE sportsman. In childlike arguments about who the 'best in the world' was - because things are so black and white when you're young - Ian Botham was the best batsman in the world and he was the best bowler in the world.

If nothing else that was a mark of his achievements, to be that well regarded by kids is the ultimate accolade in many ways.

Ian Botham has also raised the small matter of 10 million pounds for charity - primarily leukaemia and cancer charities.

Leukaemia mortality rates have fallen from 80% to 20% during the period that Botham's made this money. Obviously, budgets are huge, but 10 million pounds could support a particular research project for years so Ian Botham has undeniably made a tangible difference.

Will Jefferson and Stuart Broad selected for England A

Only it's not England A. It's 'England Lions'.

Ian Brown once said: "There are no lions in England". Now he's been flatly contradicted. There will be 11 Lions and Will Jefferson and Stuart Broad will be among their number.

Stuart Broad lists 'growing taller' among his hobbies. Perhaps Will Jefferson's presence will inspire Stuart to ever greater heights.

They should have renamed the side 'England Brobdingnagians'.

Why don't they play cricket in the rain?

Because the ball's rock hard and it digs into the soft ground, bouncing weirdly.

So this happens:



And then this:



This is Mark Vermeulen. He has a fractured head. Nobody wants a broken head.

The first one's not Mark Vermeulen. It's Dave Mohammed. Everyone loves Dave Mohammed.

Chris Gayle to captain Windies in one-dayers

Brian Lara was captain at the end of the World Cup, then Ramnaresh Sarwan was captain for a Test and a half, then Darren Ganga for two and a half Tests. So it's Chris Gayle's turn now.

Gayle's caricatured as laid-back, cool and disinterested. We think the last one's harsh. No-one gets to where he is without a bit of passion, surely.

We know where he's coming from. We're not one for 'smiling' when we're happy or 'talking' when we're upset about something. Better to remain expressionless, like the man in the Hong Kong Phooey annual we owned as a child, who could look like anyone, but was later revealed to have no face of his own.

The front of his head was just blank. No features at all. Doubtless it was meant as a joke, but it chilled us to our very core as a child. How would someone with no mouth or eyes or anything live their life?

Hong Kong Phooey seemed unfazed by the phenomenon. That's canine martial artists for you.

Nick Compton tips the cup of runs

Nick Compton hasn't appeared to be as run-thirsty as usual so far this season. He's taken a couple of sips of runs, but no large mouthful and certainly nothing approaching a quaff.

Yesterday, he hit his first hundred of the season, 110 not out, as Middlesex lost to Sussex in the catchily-named Friends Provident Trophy. The cup of runs has been tipped and Nick Compton will drink.

Drink, Nick. Drink! May your pull shots wet your lips. May your leg-glances fill your mouth. May your cover drives nearly drown you.

Drink! Drink from the cup of runs until it appears almost empty, then produce a second, slightly larger cup of runs and drink from that. When that runs dry, reveal to us that you have taken the opportunity to refill the first cup while you were drinking from the second. Drain the first cup once again.

Surprise us with a third cup of unusual dimensions and with an embossed design - drink from that. Attempt to drink from all three cups of runs simultaneously in a conspicuous attempt to persuade Peter Moores of your unquenchable thirst for runs.

Drink, Nick Compton! DRINK!

Benevolent Uncle Sanath signs for Lancashire

Lancashire have signed Benevolent Uncle Sanath for the duration of the Twenty20, which is not a bad move at all. We're especially pleased, not just because Jayasuriya's so good, but because he seems like a really nice bloke.

We like it when Lancashire's overseas players are nice. It makes us feel warm; like we don't live in a world where people will steal the front wheel of your bike if you don't chain it to a policeman.

Apparently Benevolent Uncle Sanath retired from all forms of international cricket after the World Cup. We thought he would, but managed to miss the announcement anyway. We were probably busy staring into space and humming.

Bob Woolmer died of natural causes

That Bob Woolmer wasn't murdered isn't good news as such - it's the absence of a very bad element of some bad news. Not cause for rejoicing, but everyone in cricket will appreciate that Woolmer's death has become something more commonplace. Now it's just very, very sad.

Mark Lawson (not the Yorkshire leg-spinner) wrote an interesting article about the media's increasing impatience and lack of need for demonstrable facts. To be fair, the police did say that it was murder. However, anything beyond that was pure supposition - and there was a lot beyond that.

We used to work for a local newspaper and even at that level reporters were very responsible about ensuring that anything published could be proven. We're always astounded by how more mainstream outlets weave great swathes of opinion within a factual report.

As a general rule of thumb, if a reporter says 'probably', 'possibly', 'perhaps' or 'maybe', just ignore anything to which this word relates. Unfortunately, many don't bother with such qualifiers any more, creating a certainty in their output that isn't warranted.