The Innocuoso spins England to victory

Can everybody spell 'capitulation'? India have just been bowled out for 100 after being 75-3. Two of those three wickets were lower order batsmen in Pathan and Kumble as well, so that's pretty much the whole Indian top order and two tail enders out for 25. PLUS there were two dropped catches. Never mind 'capitulation'. This was a farce.

We're positively choking on the vast wave of pleasure that's washing over us, but the Indian public won't be best pleased. Rahul Dravid's decision to ask England to bat will be pored over at great length and he won't come out of it well, especially when you consider that the batsman who was asked to face that first ball went on to make a match-winning century.

In terms of India's second innings, Shaun Udal was the hero with the heroic figures of 4-14. Are you ready for how fickle we can be? You'd better prepare yourselves. It's quite something... We love Shaun Udal. He's played a major part in an England victory and therefore joins the ranks of players who we just can't hate.

One of Udal's wickets was a particular highlight. Dhoni, caught Panesar, bowled Udal for 5 doesn't look that interesting on paper, but three balls prior to this Dhoni hit an absolute skier. Monty Panesar dithered around under it. Maybe he lost it. Maybe he thought that the mid-on fielder was coming for it. In any case he didn't lay a hand on it. It was humiliating and the crowd were roaring at him. Fortunately for Panesar, Dhoni, being of a charitable disposition (or possibly sadistic), gave him a second chance with another skier and he caught it this time before the rest of the England team descended on him as if he'd won the entire series.

England will be more than happy with a drawn series (India will be apopleptic). However we do look back on England's own catastrophe in the second Test in Mohali when they batted like 11 crippled badgers in the second innings. If they could have played out more time then perhaps they would be walking away with a series victory.

Monty Panesar: Smart and English

Monty Panesar was called a 'stupid Indian' during England's warm-up against New South Wales by a dense prick in the crowd.

Just to clarify, Monty Panesar has a computer science degree and if you can't remember where he's from, just check the scoreboard. It says 'England' on it.

Maybe Monty should have responded that he was as Indian as the speaker was English. That would have gone down well. We're presuming that whoever it was, wasn't of Aboriginal descent.

The Sydney Daily Telegraph reports that the beered-up no-mark went on to add: "Give us a wave, Monty. You can't speak English, you stupid Indian. I'll have to say it in Indian," which you would have thought was an insanely optimistic offer on his part. Not least because there's no such language.

New South Wales' captain, Simon Katich, described the incident as 'disappointing'. When Matthew Hayden got bitten by a dog that time he described it as 'disappointing'. They seem to be a bit strapped for emotions Down Under at the minute. Everyone's just sharing the one.

Cricket Australia tells racists to make more effort

Cricket Australia chief executive, James Sutherland, when asked about Monty Panesar being called 'a stupid Indian' responded: "I don't think there's too much racist about that."

The message is clear: Aussie racists have to pull their fingers out. They're not pulling their weight. If that's the best they can come up with, it's just not good enough.

James Sutherland could be more racist than that standing on his head.

James Anderson picked ahead of Monty Panesar

We're as desperate for Monty Panesar to get a game as anyone, but it's not the end of the world that England have selected an unchanged side.

Sure, Anderson was hit-and-miss during the last Test and went for quite a few, but he's a different kettle of fish when the ball swings. He's a giant vat and he's full of sharks.

During the practice match against South Australia, the ball did swing when the ball was new, so Anderson's got a chance to redeem himself. That's fair. We hate it when players are in and out of the side.

As for Monty, he just has to bide his time. He'll definitely get a game in Sydney at the very least. That's the final Test and there could be everything to play for. Monty Panesar could just be England's secret weapon, unleashed to wreak havoc in the final act.

It's all coming together in fantasyland. That's what a reasonable first day total for England gets you: Demented optimism born of a lifetime of England winning the Ashes in your own head and nowhere else.

Ashley Giles over Monty Panesar - Duncan Fletcher's irritating stubbornness

Duncan Fletcher loves Ashley Giles. Mostly because he can bat a bit. This means that he never picks Monty Panesar and just about everybody thinks that Panesar's mint.

It's not Ashley Giles' fault. We actually quite like Ashley Giles. We even admire his batting ability. Did he not brave it out for England's victory in the Trent Bridge Test during the last Ashes series? Did he not hit a crucial 50 to ensure England regained the Ashes at the Oval?

On the other hand, you can't just use any old facts to 'prove' your view is correct, like Fletcher's been doing. The fact is that Ashley Giles has been out of the game for quite a while. He's not taking wickets and he's not really scoring runs.

Here's what Duncan Fletcher said in the aftermath of England's calamitous defeat in Adelaide:

"We want to bat to eight. Look at Australia where Warne had that 100 partnership with Clarke. Those runs put the pressure back on to us."

What Fletcher fails to notice is that Shane Warne isn't England's number eight. He's Australia's. Ashley Giles is England's number eight and he got a duck when England needed runs in the second innings. He also fails to see that Shane Warne took four wickets in England's second innings and gave Australia their marvellous victory. THAT'S why he's playing. Not for his batting.

Steve Harmison's been mended

Apologies to Kevin Shine. You weren't talking balls. You appear to have fixed Steve Harmison.

We were a bit dubious, but he bowled solidly today in taking 4-48. It's a massive relief for any Englishman. It was a good pitch for him, but that wouldn't have mattered if he'd been 'angling the ball down the leg side' - read 'inexplicably bowling the ball at the non-striking batsman'.

Hurray.

There could also be a case that the magic of Monty rubs off on Harmison. We should capitalise that, actually. 'The Magic of Monty'.

During the summer, we watched another day of cricket on a hard, bouncy pitch. Monty Panesar took five wickets and Harmison four as England tore into Pakistan. The crowd went mental. Let's pretend that the rest of the Ashes hasn't happened and that this match is just a continuation of that.

Monty Panesar makes his entrance

Thanks for your performances over the years, Ashley Giles. Here's your gold watch.

We were lying in bed this morning, a little unsettled by a dream about trying to keep a vampire in the wardrobe, but overall really quite comfortable and with no intention of getting up. At this point, somebody - presumably one of the cats - said: "I think Monty Panesar's done something".

Monty Panesar NEVER does anything bad and we shot out of bed. It could mean only one thing and yes, sure enough, Monty Panesar had taken five wickets. Actually, it was four at the time, but he was en route to five.

This man can do no wrong. 'Don't expect miracles', he warned England supporters. He was just toying with us. We don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect a miracle every single time he takes the field. In fact we expect a miracle even when he's eating his breakfast. You might think that's being quite demanding on our part, but he fulfils those demands EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Could Monty Panesar become England's top wicket-taker of all time?

Mike Atherton wrote in the actually-pretty-good Opening Up: My Autobiography that Phil Tufnell often felt the pressure when conditions were in his favour and he was expected to take wickets. He was hampered by this and often disappointed on the final day of Test matches.

Monty Panesar doesn't appear to suffer this affliction. Panesar took six second innings wickets to end up with ten for the match in the third Test at Old Trafford.

Panesar seems to expect wickets whenever he bowls, so perhaps there's no additional pressure when conditions favour spin - Panesar's own expectation is already sky-high.

We have an alternative method of dealing with expectation here at King Cricket. Rather than rise to meet it, we publish loads of dross to keep it manageable.

England dull it up to the max.

England announced their squads for the tour of India today. We can't get too worked up about them.

To save you the trouble of reading them, we will provide you with the newsworthy inclusions and omissions.

Shaun Udal is in the Test squad thanks to his complete inability to take any wickets in Pakistan.

James Anderson isn't in the Test squad because the selectors want to grind him into the dirt to test his resilence. Then they want him to stand in front of all his old schoolmates and teachers and drop his trousers. Then and only then will he be considered for England's Test team. We think he's great.

Vikram Solanki is not in the one-day squad.

An extra spinner will be added to the Test squad nearer the time. Expect Monty Panesar to make the grade despite neither he nor previous spare spinner, Alex Loudon, having played a game since the last tour squad was selected.

Following Monty Panesar's selection, expect to read lots of stories about how he's a great spinner but that he can't bat or field. To save proper journalists the trouble of writing about this, simply search for old editorials about Phil Tufnell and just read 'Monty Panesar' instead of 'Phil Tufnell' in each of those ancient stories.