We had our first Ashes dream

Not our first Ashes dream ever. Are you mental? No. The first for this series (which doesn't start for months yet).

It was quite a good one, fulfilling many of the Ashes dream criteria, but it did end on a bit of a cliffhanger and there was a degree of frustration involved.

It was the first Test, as it always is in Ashes dreams and it was being played in Jamaica, which is just about never the case in Ashes dreams. Australia batted first and hit 500. This is a surprisingly common theme in Ashes dreams. Sometimes the Aussies are crushed from the outset, but more frequently they maintain their world-beating aura until the final act.

On this occasion England started their fightback in the first innings. Michael Vaughan (yes, Michael Vaughan) declares with England on 780 and Andy Flintoff unbeaten on 177. We're not too sure why Michael didn't let Flintoff get his double hundred. It was only the end of the second day because England had scored so phenomenally quickly.

At this point we go off to the pub, but unfortunately we can't find the bar. Then Afridi (who is our cat) starts squeaking and jumping on our feet and we wake up. We don't know why he squeaks. We're going to train him to shout 'Howzat' instead, although that might be even more annoying at 5am.

The solution to England's one-day woes

Maybe someone should burn something to symbolise the death of English one-day cricket and we could compete for the remnants.

Then in a hundred years time we might be inspired to get good again.

Steve Harmison bowls garbage in a one-dayer again

How are we doing this? As a one-dayer or as an Ashes prequel?

As a one-dayer it was business as usual for England. Of their three strategies, they went for 'starting encouragingly and really tailing off'. Their other two strategies are 'starting abysmally and clawing their way to a respectable defeat' and 'getting walloped'.

A decent opening stand preceded a jaw-dropping collapse with the not unexpected conclusion of Paul Collingwood being stranded not out. They'd lost by then, but a couple of early wickets were a good start to Australia's innings before the inevitable.

As an Ashes prequel it was mostly a whole load of nothing: Sajid Mahmood can take wickets, but can go for a few. Ian Bell can actually score runs against Australia. Glenn McGrath's off the pace at the minute. There's nothing major to glean, although Steve Harmison's astonishingly low skill level in this form of the game could yet be of importance. It's wides, half-volleys, half-trackers and a leg-stump line from the guy again and again. We love him, but it's more through loyalty on days like this.

Hayden and Langer meet up to prepare for the Ashes

Ha ha ha. Australia's players are old. Ha ha. Much older than England's.

This joke would have made more sense if Matthew Hayden had been wearing a grey wig or something. You get the idea though - Australia's players are old. This is officially our second best post that's about a picture of Matthew Hayden.

We're being deliberately unfunny in an ironic sort of way. No, really.

Look at his Nazi-looking family at the bottom

"I have never known anyone enjoy their cooking as much as my mate Haydos" - Justin Langer.

There's a recommendation. One, would you put the name 'Haydos' on the front of your book? Two, what sort of an authority is Justin Langer? Three, how impartial is he?

Matthew Hayden was bitten by a dog the other day. We should really lay off him. He hasn't even done anything, really. We're not quite sure what's driving us.

"Just write 'hold other end' - that should do the trick"

For all we know, Matthew Hayden's a genius, although his quotes tend to indicate otherwise.

Anyway, he's better at cricket, cooking and surfing than we are. Plus, he's massively more successful. We've got to pretend we're superior to him in some way. What are we going to do? Ask him to highlight the differences between the Central Lancashire accent and that of Manchester with reference to diphthongs?

No. We're not going to do that. We're going to make weak jokes at his expense instead. And if you think that this one's weak, we've barely started.

The Australian team from an English perspective

Unusually, there seems to be a bit of debate about the Australian team for the Ashes. Traditionally Aussie teams have been pretty much self-picking, but ageing players are leading to a little bit of intrigue. Here's our opinion. And we're being honest.

1. Hayden
2. Langer
3. Ponting
4. Hussey
5. Jaques
6. Clarke
7. Gilchrist
8. Lee
9. Warne
10. Johnson
11. McGrath

You'll notice that we're sticking with Hayden, even though we think he's a bearlike rectum. On flatter Aussie pitches, flat-track bullies are to be coveted. He'll make sure he scores heavily just to irritate us. You can count on it.

We've also gone for Phil Jaques in the middle order. There's lots of hoo-ha about how Jaques, an opener, can't get into the side whatever he does. Well Australia's middle order's more fragile than it used to be, so stick him there. Why not? Australia have traditionally blooded batsmen at number six and then promoted them when they were more comfortable in Test cricket. It's a good ploy.

We've also gone for Michael Clarke rather than an all-rounder. We're not dead set on this, Watson could play. We just think that they've got to start picking Clarke at some point, so they may as well now.

Mitchell Johnson gets the third seamer's position, although Stuart MacGill would be just as good a choice against England, no matter what the pitch. In any case, there's no point picking any more old laggards to clog up the bowling attack - Kasprowicz, Gillespie, Stuart Clark or whoever. They may as well go with a wicket-taker. As with Michael Clarke, they've got to start picking some youngsters soon and Johnson seems to be the best of the bunch.

Finally, Brett Lee's above Shane Warne in the batting line-up. Click on Brett's name to find out why.

Matthew Hayden drops from notch one

"The Platinum Club is basically the top-order batsmen - the 'engine room', we call ourselves - plus one of the interior decorators in Damien Martyn. The fast bowlers aren't invited." - Matthew Hayden

Berk.

To think that it was only yesterday that we were wondering whether we were wrong about Matthew Hayden; that maybe he was actually an all right bloke. And it was only a few days before that that we decided that he'd gone up a notch.

The Platinum Club: You can't give yourselves a name like that. You don't get to pick your own nicknames. Ask anyone. Nicknames are humiliating because nobody wants to make their mates sound cooler than themselves. Most probably Matthew Hayden's real nickname revolves around his giant arse.

Suggestions are welcome.

Matthew Hayden is a complete wuss

Define 'cheap shot'...

Matthew Hayden's got a broken finger. His coach says: "He'll wear a brace, a little plastic brace that our physio has made up for him. The concern was whether they could get the brace to fit properly, and get some sort of comfort for Haydos."

Ahh. Poor little lamb. Needs a FingaBendaMenda to play cricket.

We've never broken a bone in our entire life. We bruised a knuckle by inadvertently punching the floor when trying to remove a nail from the skirting board about two months ago and we're still whinging about it like the puny, pommy girl we are.

We don't care. We'll still call Matthew Hayden a wuss. That brief moment of reflection where we felt that maybe we were being hard on Matthew Hayden seems to have passed over without effect anyway.

Glenn McGrath... Oh balls...

In the first Champions' Trophy semi-final yesterday, Australia shuffled along non-commitally with the bat; then Glenn McGrath won the match by taking 3-22 in ten straight overs; then New Zealand made a bit of a comeback, falling short.

Rumours of Glenn McGrath's bowling decline seem greatly exaggerated. He was never quick anyway, so what can go wrong? He's not going to shrink. He'll still be playing when he's 50 with three times the experience of anyone. It's a heart-warming nightmare of the highest order.

That's a good aspect of cricket compared to many other sports. Players hang around longer. Combine that with the fact that you see a good deal more of players than you do in most sports due to the length of matches and you get to know these guys pretty well. It lends an intimacy to proceedings which in turn fleshes out the matches yet more.

It's a drug, we tell you.

Matthew Hayden is duller and less popular than his fishing rod

In an interview with The Australian (newspaper), Hayden describes how he saw a group of people fishing off the rocks near the team hotel in Galle when Australia were on tour in Sri Lanka once.

"I noticed they were catching little mackerel so I took my fly rod down to the rocks and within the space of 10 minutes I reckon I had close on 300 people watching," Hayden recalled this week.

"I was thinking, 'this is good, they're obviously keen followers of cricket'. But no-one knew who I was. They were looking at my fly rod. They invited me back to their village to show off this rod. It wasn't me at all."

We're going to have to stop reading things about Matthew Hayden. He doesn't come across too badly in this interview. We're not having that. It was bad enough when we started liking Brett Lee. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

Michael Vaughan could play in the Ashes

But he won't.

Michael Vaughan reckons that he's fit to play again and that he only needs to regain match fitness - that supreme level of physical well-being that can only be attained by standing around on a cricket pitch shouting: 'Come on. Let's get another two wickets before tea.'

There's talk of his being available for the third Test in Perth, but frankly it isn't going to happen.

Much as Vaughan is a crucial part of England's side, particularly as captain, the selectors are unlikely to take much of a gamble when there's so little reason. Already England are wondering which of Ian Bell, Alastair Cook and Paul Collingwood will be dropped - all of whom have been hugely successful this year. If Vaughan were to return, it would mean a second of those three missing out in favour of a player of questionable physical hardiness with no Test matches under his belt for a long time.

On the other hand, if things are going badly, there's Vaughan's record in Australia to take into account. During the last tour, playing in a side who were being massively outplayed, Vaughan scored over 600 runs including three huge hundreds.

Plus, he won the Ashes that time.

Schizophrenic England make terrible start

The night before last, we dreamt that Australia had racked up 420-4 on the first day of the first Test. It was harrowing, but it reminded us of previous Ashes tours where England showed the game was up before it had even started. We were glad it wasn't like that any more.

Now who scheduled a one-day match to open England's Ashes tour? It's unforgivable. Remember before the last Ashes, England absolutely walloped Australia in a 'meaningless' Twenty20. Tours have momentum and a good few Australian warm-ups took the shine off their aura.

England don't especially have an aura, but tour momentum still applies and an Australian Prime Minister's XI played them into the gutter. Balls. England inserted their opponents who promptly hit 347-5. Our man Saj Mahmood went for 97 off nine overs, which is just... Well, you know what it is. In reply, England were bowled out for 181.

We're putting it down to England's schizophrenia: Test titans, one-day wallies.

We've never used the word 'wallies' before and we won't be doing so again. It's too early to think alliteratively and that's the best that we can manage.

Phil Jaques with our impartial hat on

England got battered. Phil Jaques did a good deal of the battering, hitting 112 off 110 balls.

We put Phil Jaques in our Australian team from an England perspective. We stand by that. Stick him in, Australian selectors. Everyone's waiting round for an injury to Hayden or Langer (or retirement). Why? Put him in at six. Or five. He WILL score runs.

Geraint Jones is England's wicketkeeper

Despite being dropped a couple of months ago in favour of Chris Read, Duncan Fletcher has confirmed that Geraint Jones will be England's wicketkeeper for the first Ashes Test.

At the time, the selectors seemed to indicate that Jones was being dropped as a result of poor form rather than anything more serious. They've had a quick look at Chris Read and given him a chance to make a big claim, but our feeling is that maybe they had always intended for Jones to keep his position for the Ashes.

We tend to agree with them and for much the same reasons given by Duncan Fletcher. Geraint Jones probably is the better batsman. He has extensive experience of Australian conditions, having been brought up there. His back-foot style of play suits Aussie pitches. Finally and most importantly, he has proved himself undaunted by the pressures that come with an Ashes series. This is not to be underestimated. A psychological war is in the offing and weaknesses will be ruthlessly exploited.

England scrabble around for the ignition switch

That's a reference to 'coming to the boil'. Excuse our nerves, but we've been conditioned to panic at losses in warm-up games Down Under. Previously, they heralded outright humiliation. We're still quite confident as far as the Ashes goes, but you can't throw away all these years of experience.

It's Pavlovian conditioning. England concede 325-5, as they did last night and we are conditioned to run round yelping: "No. No. The wheels are coming off. Abandon tour. ABANDON TOUR."

As Patrick described past Ashes tour matches on the Times' cricket blog the other day:

"Go to bed as England start to play and wake up eight hours later to a radio announcer saying 'and in cricket, England suffered a humiliating defeat...'"

Of course it's not so bad these days. England still lose warm-up games with alarming regularity, but when the Tests come, they inevitably get their act together. It's still a trifle worrying though. Steve Harmison got carted, for one thing. We'd really like a bit of reassurance from him before long. If Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison is replaced by Destructive Steve Harmison for the first Test, that's fine, but we'd really prefer the swap a little earlier.

Also during this tour match, Duncan Fletcher revealed that James Anderson is currently ahead of Sajid Mahmood. James Anderson bowled whereas Sajid Mahmood didn't, so this is unlikely to change.

Phil Jaques shows Aussies' strength in depth

Phil Jaques scored another hundred against England yesterday. He still isn't going to get picked for the first Test.

England might think that their batting has strength in depth these days, but they couldn't consider leaving out a player of Jaques' class. Not many sides could - Australia included, thinking about it. They're being obstinate and mental. At least we think they are: Technically, Australia haven't announced their side yet, so he could feature.

Damien Martyn fought his way back into the side by not playing and watching Brad Hodge score a Test double hundred, so maybe Phil Jaques has got his tactics wrong. He should put the kettle on and don a nice pair of carpet slippers. That's the way we've always approached our career in international sport at any rate.

Phil Jaques could have played for England, if he so chose, you know.

England achieve slow simmer

They're at the sort of temperature at which you cook a stew. It's not quite at the boil, but at least there's pans and heat involved, which didn't seem likely as recently as yesterday.

In their joke warm-up match against New South Wales, they took a few more wickets for not many runs in the morning and then toddled along to 256-4, which is nice and solid. Kevin Pietersen is on 80 not out, which is a welcome return to runs for a man who's never mentioned in the discussions about dropping middle-order batsmen, but yet who averages roughly the same as those who are.

Andy Flintoff's 48 not out, which is similarly reassuring. Any cynics who are suggesting that New South Wales' international bowlers are lulling England's batsmen into a false sense of security are seriously misunderstanding the Australian sporting psyche. Australians want to crush the English without mercy. It's as simple as that.

England turn up the heat in an attempt to thicken the sauce

We're finishing with the culinary analogies now. They're wordy and increasingly meaningless.

The three-day muck-about against New South Wales has finished. Kevin Pietersen got his hundred. Then James Anderson took 3-40. How quick is he now? Does anyone know? We're just wondering whether the stress fracture has slowed him at all. Hope not.

The big news of the day was that Phil Jaques didn't get a hundred: He got four. We always said he was rubbish.

Monty Panesar: Smart and English

Monty Panesar was called a 'stupid Indian' during England's warm-up against New South Wales by a dense prick in the crowd.

Just to clarify, Monty Panesar has a computer science degree and if you can't remember where he's from, just check the scoreboard. It says 'England' on it.

Maybe Monty should have responded that he was as Indian as the speaker was English. That would have gone down well. We're presuming that whoever it was, wasn't of Aboriginal descent.

The Sydney Daily Telegraph reports that the beered-up no-mark went on to add: "Give us a wave, Monty. You can't speak English, you stupid Indian. I'll have to say it in Indian," which you would have thought was an insanely optimistic offer on his part. Not least because there's no such language.

New South Wales' captain, Simon Katich, described the incident as 'disappointing'. When Matthew Hayden got bitten by a dog that time he described it as 'disappointing'. They seem to be a bit strapped for emotions Down Under at the minute. Everyone's just sharing the one.