Schizophrenic England make terrible start

The night before last, we dreamt that Australia had racked up 420-4 on the first day of the first Test. It was harrowing, but it reminded us of previous Ashes tours where England showed the game was up before it had even started. We were glad it wasn't like that any more.

Now who scheduled a one-day match to open England's Ashes tour? It's unforgivable. Remember before the last Ashes, England absolutely walloped Australia in a 'meaningless' Twenty20. Tours have momentum and a good few Australian warm-ups took the shine off their aura.

England don't especially have an aura, but tour momentum still applies and an Australian Prime Minister's XI played them into the gutter. Balls. England inserted their opponents who promptly hit 347-5. Our man Saj Mahmood went for 97 off nine overs, which is just... Well, you know what it is. In reply, England were bowled out for 181.

We're putting it down to England's schizophrenia: Test titans, one-day wallies.

We've never used the word 'wallies' before and we won't be doing so again. It's too early to think alliteratively and that's the best that we can manage.