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England v India, third Test

You'll have noticed that we didn't do anything about the third Test yesterday. It's almost like we knew that Miriam was doing a match report for days four and five. But we didn't. We didn't know that at all. We're just lazy.

Miriam's match report:

Day four

(1) I live near the Oval and am acutely aware of the food situation so brought sandwiches from home, but was very envious of the M&S picnic of the men in front of us.

(2) I didn’t take a sweater, so was too cold for parts of the day. On the plus side, it didn’t matter that I’d forgotten sunscreen.

(3) When we got home, we watched the highlights. At one point there was a shot of RP Singh on the balcony with his bare feet on the railings and we both had the same thought: He has really, really beautiful feet, especially for a man. We wondered if he pedicures. He does obviously go to the hairdresser saying: “Just a trim, but I don’t want to lose any volume on top please”.

Day five

(1) The man next to us spilt a pint of beer - luckily not on us.

(2) We spent some time analysing the chants emanating from the noisy stand next to us. “Boring Boring England” is in itself boring, so shouldn’t be used, unless it is meant to be making an ironic point. “1 – 0 to the India” only encourages India to settle for a draw. “Barmy Army. Barmy Army” did not please us as we thought it was more for the supporters than the players. But we did like “Ian Bell, Bell, Bell, Ian Bell” (to the tune of “you can ring my bell”).

(3) We got cups of tea during the bad light break and they really hit the spot. The cups should be bigger though – the mark-up that could be charged on a larger cup of tea would surely vastly outweigh the extra cost of the cup and the negligible cost of the water.

(4) At one point all the Indian players were in a huddle except Sreesanth, who was miles away waiting in his field position. He noticed the huddle and went up to them, at which point the huddle instantly separated. I did wonder if they were all like: “Shhh, shhhh, he’s coming, quick, change the subject”.

(5) The following people gave the crowd a wave when asked: Sourav Ganguly, Sachin Tendulkar, Sreesanth, Steve Bucknor.

(6) When Zaheer Khan was announced as India’s Man of the Series, they put his name on the big screen. Only they spelt it wrong. If it were someone with an equivocal name (eg Karthick/Karthik) that’s one thing, but KHAN? It’s the easiest of the lot, people! I just hope they got it right on his cheque. Also, the variety of fonts they used on the big screen made it look like a personalised greetings card - "Congratulations ZAHEER KAHN on passing your driving test" or whatever.

Michael Vaughan stretches to tickle a pterodactyl under its chin

(It's just off camera)


'There's a good prehistoric winged vertebrate.'

Paul Collingwood would never make a schoolboy error like this. Look how horrified Michael Atherton is.

Why Anil Kumble deserves his Test hundred

A man who's taken more Test wickets than any other Indian and who once took all ten in an innings (against Pakistan no less) shouldn't have too many targets remaining in cricket, but a Test hundred was doubtless one of them for Anil Kumble.

Four fifties in his previous 150 innings didn't really hint at imminent fulfillment, but if you've scored over 2,000 Test runs, you've just got to take the 'getting out' part out of the equation.

So he did. Anil Kumble batted as well as he can - which is really rather well - and India's innings ended with him standing at the other end with 110 runs to his name.

He should be the biggest name in the Indian team, but Anil Kumble's probably not all that arsed about being so crazily popular that crowds of people gather to chant his name when he goes out to buy underpants. He's probably not mad-keen on advertising motorbikes with his bare chest exposed underneath a leather jacket. And rightly so.

So being as he doesn't want the public to reward him for his bowling endeavours by being crazy, obsessive and a little bit frightening, he'll have to be rewarded in some other way. What better way than with an unexpected Test hundred. He deserves it.

England v India, third Test at The Oval, day two
India 664 all out (Anil Kumble 110 not out, Mahendra Singh Dhoni 92, Dinesh Karthik 91, Sachin Tendulkar 82, Rahul Dravid 55, VVS Laxman 51, James Anderson 4-182)
England 24-1

Mahendra Singh Dhoni - a textbook modern wicketkeeper

Keepers have to bat. Keepers have to bat aggressively. If your side have lost early wickets, you come in and counter-attack. If your side is going well, you come in and drive home the advantage.

There was some textbook driving home of the advantage yesterday from Mahendra Singh Dhoni as he spanked, whopped and carted 92 runs off 81 balls. There were 65 balls for the first 50, then he picked up the pace a touch.

This textbook outlining how wicketkeepers should drive home the advantage is quite new and some of the diagrams aren't finished yet, because it's kind of tricky to capture exactly what Mahendra Dhoni does a lot of the time.

Like when he plays shots with both feet off the ground. People who illustrate cricketing textbooks have trouble coming to terms with things like that. They like rigid, wooden cricketers whose bodies describe sharp right-angles when they play shots. They like short hair too.

The only downside to Mahendra Dhoni's innings, as far as we can see, is that he made Sachin Tendulkar look sedate and old. We're not a fan of that.

England v India, third Test at The Oval, day two
India 664 all out (Anil Kumble 110 not out, Mahendra Singh Dhoni 92, Dinesh Karthik 91, Sachin Tendulkar 82, Rahul Dravid 55, VVS Laxman 51, James Anderson 4-182)
England 24-1

Simon Jones is injured

Kind of implies that he was fit at some point, doesn't it?

We hear that he's knacked-up his calf. A medical expert said: 'He's knacked-up his calf.'

The recovery period for a calf-knacking is usually just a week or so, but this is Simon Jones so expect to see him back in action - well - never.

Dinesh Karthik hits a six-and-a-half

No, they're not doing nines yet. It's just rhetoric. There, that saved a few of you having to comment, didn't it?

We've heard a lot about Karthik's middle-order stroke-playing credentials, but we hadn't seen much evidence until yesterday. He's seemed like a classic, blunter of an opener so far this series - a good one, at that.

But at one point yesterday, he backed round a Monty Panesar delivery that pitched on leg and lifted it into the off-side over extra cover for six. It was a special shot.

In the end, he seemed a bit unlucky to be given out for 91. However, that was nothing compared to Sourav Ganguly's dismissal - lbw despite a huge inside edge.

Ganguly's always been a combative character. It's both his most and least admirable characteristic, paradoxically. With that in mind, the Prince of Calcutta (shouldn't that be Kolkata now?) deserves some sort of International Good Humour award for the smiling demonstration he gave as he left the field.

To return to Karthik, we're pretty sure we heard Sunil Gavaskar saying that he'd changed the spelling of his surname to 'Kaarthik', but we're not writing that until someone else does. Apparently, a numerologist told him he'd be more successful with an extra 'a'. Our name's chock full of 'a's - you won't catch us 'being successful'.

England v India, third Test at the Oval, day one
India 316 (Dinesh Karthik 91, Rahul Dravid 55)

King of Spain retires

The King of Spain was a great nickname, much better than 'The Wheelie Bin' for example - another name with which Ashley Giles was branded.

The 'three-dimensional cricketer'

For a good many years Ashley Giles was the least regarded member of the England team. Only a succession of wicketkeepers could rival him for that title, but he survived and managed the rare feat of scoring both 1,000 Test runs and taking 100 Test wickets.

His bowling average of 40 is probably fair though. He was employed as the least glamorous bowler in Duncan Fletcher's sides. A man who 'kept it tight'. A man who bored batsmen out for his wickets. On occasions, on the right pitch, he could rise to the occasion and attack, but it was pretty rare.

But oh how absence makes the heart grow fonder. What England wouldn't do for a number eight batsman who could average 20 now. We just described him as the least glamorous bowler in Duncan Fletcher's sides, but he was also the least glamorous batsman and as such he was handy. Add in his glue-like hands in the gully and here was a cricketer of some worth.

Ashes 2005

Our favourite Gilo memories are almost inevitably from the 2005 Ashes series. They're both with the bat. Giles was primarily a bowler, so in this regard, he disappointed. As a lower-order batsman, runs were a delight. It was all relative to expectation.

The first memory is of Giles and Hoggard seeing England over the line in the fourth Test when every single run felt like a minor miracle. You will never see a finer seven not out than Ashley Giles' innings that day.

Take a look at a replay and observe Steve Harmison waiting to bat. We've literally never seen anyone so nervous in our life. Never. That Giles could so much as hold a cricket bat was a source of wonder to us. Even beer didn't settle our nerves at the time. Even beer, you hear. Even beer.

The second memory is of his career-best 59 that helped England draw the fifth Test and therefore win the Ashes. Again, how did he combat the nerves and coordinate his limbs?

Everyone remembers Kevin Pietersen's innings, but when Giles came in England were 199-7; 204 ahead with 40-odd overs to go. The Australians were sniffing victory.

When Giles passed 50 the crowd went mental. By that point in the series, pretty much everyone taking an interest was ravaged by nerves to the point of dementia, but still. They really, really appreciated what he'd done.

When he acknowledged them and removed his helmet, you can clearly see a tear in his eye, if you watch it again. You'll all accuse us of being a woman, but we liked that.

Good cricketer, Ash. Not the best, but pretty-damn-useful when it mattered.

Rob Key is unbeaten, unyielding, unbowed

Rob Key hit 75 not out, yesterday, in a Kent total of 150. Harbhajan Singh took wickets for fun for Surrey, ('This wicket-taking is fun,' he was heard to say) but Rob was immovable.

This warrants a new Rob Key song. To the tune of 'Robin Hood, Robin Hood':

Robert Key, Robert Key, opened up for Kent;
Robert Key, Robert Key, all knew what this meant;
Did he get out?
Was there any doubt?
Front foot clout;
Back foot clout;
Rob's not out.

Rob Key posts:
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Limbo cricket

Mashrafe Mortaza executes a classic limbo cricket stroke, never once inclining his back above 30 degrees from the parallel.

Youngsters take note: This is how to firmly strike a ball while simultaneously damaging your spine.

The final Test

Sounds like something from some sort of quest, but no, it's just the end of a cricket series.

England face India tomorrow needing a win to tie the series and protect their really-quite-impressive home record of recent years. India, for their part, will be desperate for at least a draw to improve their really-quite-staggeringly-lamentable away record.

We're just hoping for good weather, because this is the last Test cricket until December. That's right - December. Rubbish, eh?

Sure, there's plenty of cricket, just not Test cricket. With the summer meteorologically just beginning, Test cricket takes a back seat and the increasingly redundant one-day game comes to the fore.

There are no fewer than seven one-day internationals between England and India coming up. That's too many. The last time England and India played seven one-day internationals, in April last year, we were forced to draft a letter mid-way through the series promising India ALL of the Transformers, if they laid off poor, beleaguered England.

Generously, India cancelled the next match due to an unsuitable pitch. At the time 'not taking the field of play' was quite a result for England.

But enough of that. There's a Test tomorrow.

Australia call up your mate's dad

As a result of Brett Lee's unavailability, Australia today offered a surprise call-up to your mate's dad.

Chairman of selectors, Andrew Hilditch, justified the decision saying: "Your mate's dad's been in great form of late and we wanted to go with a bit of experience. Shaun Tait's coming along well, but we feel that your mate's dad will offer greater consistency.

"He's also closer in age to the rest of the squad, which should help in the dressing room," Hilditch added.

Twenty20 finals day 2007

Twenty20 finals day confirmed our belief that the entire tournament, indeed the whole of cricket, is merely a vehicle to showcase the skills of one man, one magical phenomenon - Mr Robert Key.

In the first semi final, Lancashire gave up on defending what they considered a meagre total very early on and were battered by Gloucestershire. Lancashire's score turned out to be the second-highest of the day.

In the second semi final, Rob Key achieved the unthinkable - he turned round a Twenty20 match. Popular knowlege decrees that once you're on the back foot in a Twenty20 match, you stay there. Rob Key turned this misconception ON ITS HEAD.

He defied this assumption and ACHIEVED THE IMPOSSIBLE, as only he can. Sussex were cruising at 60-0 off hardly any overs at all, but captaincy from another plane of existence limited them to 140 all out. Rob followed this with a display of batting that was quite literally unprecedented in the modern era, 62 sumptuous, unbeaten runs to take Kent into the final.

In the final against Gloucestershire, Rob spirited a hat trick out of dependable-if-unspectacular South African all-rounder, Ryan McLaren. We believe that Ryan later put his achievement down to 'the great man's mere presence', but we can't substantiate this story.

Rob was cruelly robbed of his chance to hit the winning runs by a lamentable umpiring decision, but he retained a serene dignity as he flapped around the outfield on his way off the pitch, swearing and throwing his bat over the rope.

As with the Ashes series in 2005 and the World Cup final and any other widely-viewed cricketing competition of note, the denouement was played out amid scenes of high farce as the match was won with a boundary off a no-ball, leading to the stuttering hum of crowd confusion as they all discussed how it was two for a no-ball, so actually Kent must have won. Kent's semi final was decided in equally drama-free fashion.

Rob Key posts
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Paul Collingwood gently punches a pterodactyl

The pterodactyl's just off camera.

It's weird how nonplussed everyone seems. We'd be bricking it if a pterodactyl descended on us.

Maybe everyone just feels safe because they know that Paul Collingwood will be able to repel it.