Tom Smith - voter apathy likely to hold him back

We've neglected our Tips for the Future for quite a while now. It occurred to us that maybe Tom Smith of Lancashire warranted inclusion after he took 4-55 yesterday.

By any standards Tom Smith has had a blazing start to the season, but there are a few factors counting against him. Our Tips for the Future are meant to be international players who we hope will make a big impact at Test level and in that regard we have a few reservations about Tom Smith.

If other observers are to be believed, he's not actually fast, but fast-medium. In international cricket we don't have a great deal of time for fast-medium bowlers. It's the difference between Old Jason Gillespie and Current Jason Gillespie for example. Also, there's the first season syndrome, where players achieve a great deal because no-one knows what they're doing. The following season when opposing players are familiar with them, they struggle.

Conversely, he's clearly doing something right to take all these wickets; we thought that he was quite quick; and rumour has it he can bat a bit. So should we make the leap and induct him in our Tips for the Future or not? There's nothing at stake because we don't have any credibility, but we would have to write another post and then copy the link into the Tips for the Future post. If there's any opinion either way from our readers, we'll go with that.

Graeme Swann - season verdict

With a batting average of 27.30 and a bowling average of 44.53, Graeme Swann fell some way short of the pass mark for an all-rounder. He also fell some way short of being 'good'.

We were hopelessly wrong in predicting a great season for Graeme Swann. We're not sure we'll ever be able to forgive his treachery. And why should we?

In a word: Carpet.

Back to the end of season verdicts

We missed some hundreds - Mark Ramprakash's primarily

That crept up on us. We try on top of things, but a whole load of stuff happened while we weren't looking. Mostly Mark Ramprakash happened.

We were checking the Surrey score quite frequently because we were monitoring Mark Butcher's score. That sounds a bit pompous - we were evading work and staring at scorecards. Anyway, Mark Ramprakash is on 276 not out. We could tell you all about Mark Ramprakash but we'll agree some shared knowledge here: gifted, under-performing at Test level, maybe a bit highly-strung. We don't like highly-strung people. They start to make us feel edgy. They must be overly-worried and panicking for a reason right?

Secondly, Andrew Strauss is on an unbeaten hundred after failing in the first innings and Ian Bell's on 72 not out while we're basking in England batsmen's good form.

Finally, Matt Prior hit 124. Matt Prior's one of our all-too-frequently appearing Ones To Watch. We can't be bothered copying the link in again. It's in the sidebar on the left if you've never been here before. He was batting at seven though. We're not sure about that. He makes a great number seven, don't get us wrong. He's quick-scoring and he WILL bat there for England one day. But seven for England is a world of difference from seven for Sussex. Maybe he kept getting caught in the toilet every time it was his turn to bat. That's what it must have been.

...Rob Key... hits... A HUNDRED

July the 6th, 2006. Where were you when it happened?

It’s like Christmas; our birthday; the day when this manager that we hated was fired for shady dealings; and that time we found a fiver, all rolled into one. We’ve been waiting a long time for this, but it’s finally happened: Rob Key has hit a century.

We even went so far as to listen to tennis on the way home from work. Our reasoning being that on a dedicated sport radio station there was a chance that there would be some sort of report on the England A game. There was no report and Rob actually reached his hundred while we were in the car. We didn’t find out until we got home. Radio 5 Live isn’t going to be on in our car again.

This is what cricket scorecards in heaven must look like.

Here’s the bit where it tells you it’s an England (A) match:

And here’s the bit where there are three digits next to Rob Key’s name:

We’re going to start a conga in a few minutes. Hopefully people will start to join us pretty much straight away. We’ll make our way south and should arrive at the ground just in time for the start of play tomorrow morning. At that point, we estimate that we’ll have recruited three million people to participate. Three million is the mark out of ten that we give Rob Key’s batting.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Rob Key - season verdict

Two hundreds and an average of 36.76 isn't up to Rob Key's high, high standards. Rob Key's standards are higher than Godzilla climbing a ladder at the top of Everest. On the other hand, he did give us more joy than any other player all season with one of those hundreds. More of that please Rob.

He's in Australia when the Ashes are being played and in our head - where real life is scripted purely for our benefit - Rob will be given a one-time chance to prove his worth through unexpected good fortune and will WIN ENGLAND THE ASHES. The odds will be stacked against him. England will be chasing 500 to win and Rob will hit 350 of them in what all cricket experts will unite in saying is 'the greatest innings of all time'.

Then the ECB will reward Rob by purchasing the moon for him. Rob will thank them, say that he's happy enough and give the moon to charity. Charity will sell the moon to someone really minted, who for some reason didn't make an offer when the ECB were bidding for it, and the world's problems will be over. All because of Rob Key.

In a word: Rubies.

Back to the end of season verdicts

Rob Key posts:
Previous | Next

Tom Smith - season verdict

The most personal of the Ones To Watch, being as he won us over on the first day of the season. We're glad that we went for him as a result of that, but it was probably a little premature.

Tom Smith took 35 wickets at 30.65, which is okay, but maybe not worth looking out for. He got into the Academy though. That's a pretty big thing in our opinion, although you probably aren't that impressed. Well just what would impress you, eh? Do you want Tom Smith to sprout wings and swoop around in the outfield? Do you want him to give you free gold during the lunch break?

You people will crush the young cricketers of this nation with your stellar expectations.

In a word: Parkin.

Back to the end of season verdicts

Ones To Watch - how did they fare?

We did a half-term report on each of our Ones To Watch, but now it's time for the final verdicts. Instead of giving each player a grade, we're instead going to give them a single word and the word will be an item that somehow sums up their entire season. This rating system is quite open to artistic licence.

Graeme Swann
Will Jefferson
Sajid Mahmood
Bilal Shafayat
Mark Davies
Mark Butcher
Matt Prior
Rob Key
Tom Smith

Links to the original Ones to Watch posts

Rob Key is in the Academy squad - but that's not all

Despite his relatively crap recent form, Rob Key has again been selected for England's winter Academy squad. No surprise there. Rob's always in the Academy squad. His home address is at the Academy (and we should know). However, there are two fantastic plus points to his selection. Firstly, we get to write about him ALL WINTER LONG. That's right. The thought that Rob is there will comfort us in the depths of winter. His rosy visage will light our seasonal affective disordered mind.

Secondly, he's in line for an Ashes spot. He's not officially a member of the party, but he's right there in Australia. As soon as someone gets injured or gets bored and goes home, Rob's there. He's in with a chance.

Rob actually played for England on the last Ashes tour. The Australians apparently thought quite a bit of him. Seasoned cricket journalists always cite instances where Australians 'rate' an English player. The subtext is that Australians know the secret of cricket, whereas we Brits don't. If they think someone's good, it means that their special 'good cricketer' sense has come into play.

It's not true. English people know a good cricketer when they see one. How else would we have selected such modern day masters as Jason Gallian, Darren Maddy and Chris Schofield?

Rob Key posts:

Previous | Next

Another Rob Key hundred

A watched Rob never scores hundreds, as the old saying goes. We spend EVERY HOUR of EVERY DAY looking at Kent scorecards waiting for numbers to appear and subsequently increase after Rob Key's name, but nothing happens. We go away for the weekend and are cut off from the beautiful land that we call The Kingdom of Bat and Ball and what do you know: Rob Key hits a hundred - 136 not out against Hampshire (and therefore Shane Warne) in a stultifying draw.

Who'd have thought it was a whole month since our last Rob Key post. That's a sure sign of how miserable we've been. Our mind's been full of precisely nothing for the whole duration of that month. Occasionally we get a bit blank like that, but it's balanced out by the times when the fairies come and camp in our head. At those times we think lots of things and get really enthusiastic about the dullest stuff. The fairies seem to power us in some way. Either that or they're doing all the thinking and tricking us into believing that it's us. Or maybe they just come and stay when Rob Key does something good.

They're visiting today. We don't know how long they'll stay.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Rob Key masters Twenty20

Rob Key hit 41 not out off 33 balls against Middlesex. Try telling us that wasn't why Kent won. Go on - try. We won't have it. Rob Key's innings was the SOLE reason that Kent emerged victorious even if Matthew Walker hit 58, also off 33 balls.

We have no idea if Kent or Middlesex are any good at Twenty20. We don't know how the competetion's going. We don't even know how it works really.

We'd better go and check the table now. (Is there a table?)

Previous Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Rob Key - half-term report

It's been a simply awesome season for Rob Key so far. While he's averaged only 28.9 with the bat, he has been Rob Key for every single match so far. You can't argue with class like that. We're staggered that no other player has managed to be Rob Key for even a second. That's the talent this man has. He's on another level. He's not on Another Level though - that would be hideous.

Maybe he could start scoring some hundreds now though. That would be most welcome.

Verdict: A+
It's a good job he didn't bat well or we'd have had to invent some sort of uber-grade.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Tom Smith - half-term report

We're sick of using that picture of Tom Smith, but he's got such a boring name it's hard to find pictures of him. If you've got one will you send it to us?

Tom Smith has faded a bit since the start of the season. We still don't know whether he's 'brisk', 'lively' or 'bowls a heavy ball' either. He's very enigmatic. We should give him points for that alone, even though we're not using a points system and are in fact just plucking grades out of the air with very little consideration.

In the spirit of that:

Verdict: B-
Encouraging and enigmatic. We haven't seen much of his batsmanship, which is rumoured to be quite tidy.

Graeme Swann - half-term report

Graeme Swann's batting average is 31.77, which is all right. His bowling average is 48.66, which is hopeless.

Being as he's a spin bowler, things could pick up for him later in the season as the pitches get drier, but we're not anticipating great things any more. Graeme Swann's been bumbling around at this level for a while now. We're losing confidence that he's going to improve. Having said that, spinners often mature later and can usually play longer. That's not much good for this season though.

Verdict: D
You're letting yourself down, Graeme. But worse than that: You're letting us down. We know that you don't know us and even if you did, we'd be really nervous and polite and servile, but you really should consider us when you act this way.

Ones To Watch half-term report cards

With the County Championship about to make way for Twenty20 for a couple of weeks, we've decided to take a look at each of our Ones To Watch to see how they're getting on. We'll do it in no particular order and at no particular times over the next couple of days. There's be links below as they appear.

Graeme Swann
Mark Davies
Matt Prior
Sajid Mahmood
Tom Smith
Rob Key
Will Jefferson
Mark Butcher
Bilal Shafayat

More Rob Key

That could very well be our slogan, but in fact it isn't a chant or a request - just a statement.

Rob Key hit 89 off 92 balls against Essex. He was batting at number five, rather than opening as he normally does. He's obviously spied England's papier maché one-day middle order and fancies a piece of the action. England could do a lot worse and what side wouldn't benefit from Rob's panther-like skills in the field?

It's all pointing to an upturn in form anyway. He's not "in the zone" yet, but he can see the zone and he's on his way. There don't seem to be any barriers or guards or anything, so expect Rob Key to arrive "in the zone" some time in the next couple of weeks.

We can't wait until Rob's "in the zone". He'll be producing beams of multi-coloured light and flying through the air and there'll be loud music that kind of sounds like powerful rock music performed by a herd of angels. Everyone will be gasping and admiring him except the bowlers who will be cowering behind the stumps in FEAR. David Graveney and Duncan Fletcher will come and kneel at his feet, offer him some ruby-encrusted slippers by way of appeasement and usher him back into the England squad.

Rob Key will reward the selectors' faith with a doughty forty-something in the first Test against Pakistan.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Rob Key's plight continues

Following the Lee Daggett debacle, Rob Key has now been dismissed for 0 and 4 in the match against Durham. The Rob Key song in the comments of that post hinted that Rob Key may in fact be mortal. This sets a worrying precedent. Once you start to question the man's genius, where will it end?

You can view more Rob-friendly songs here.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Rob Key 98 not out

The Rob Key gloom has lifted. We’re very happy. We could be happier – we could be two runs happier – but this is still pretty darn good.

It’s more like relief. The happiness you feel when a bad thing has gone away and can be banished to memory. In this case it’s Rob Key’s run of low scores. It reminds us of waking up after a dream about dead birds pouring through the windows to discover that it was just that – a dream. Actually, there was a lingering discomfort after that dream that’s never quite faded. Never underestimate our fear of dead birds. It’s the beaks. We’re shivering now after describing them and we didn’t even go into any detail. We just used the word ‘beaks’ which is hardly a graphic description.

We literally can’t write any more because we’re so unsettled now.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Rob Key fails again...maybe he's saving his best...

R W T Key, bowled L M Daggett, 12.

Who in the name of all that is good and pure is L M Daggett? He's not exactly G D McGrath, is he? Before this match, Lee Daggett had taken 17 first-class wickets at 47.47 and now he's bowled Rob Key.

What's worse than a disaster? A catastrophe? Worse than that. Words can't describe it. How many daggers through the heart are we going to have to endure this season as Rob Key falls before he's 'in'? Rob Key has probably fallen below Iain 'not even his mum's favourite cricketer' Sutcliffe in the England pecking order. He's probably fallen below Lee Daggett in fact.

Lamentable. Someone cheer us up before we're forced to start feigning interest in football.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

The Rob Key situation reaches crisis point

Those of you who’ve been keeping up to date with the scores in the County Championship will be aware of the horrifying fact that Rob Key hasn’t yet scored a hundred. Yesterday he played onto his stumps for 28 and it occurred to us that maybe the Rob Key situation had reached crisis point.

With Alastair Cook taking his place in the England team along with Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell and Owais Shah lining up behind them, our hero has fallen quite some way down the queue. So we’ve come up with an action plan. It’s so simple we don’t know why we didn’t come up with it sooner. It was staring us in the face. Perhaps it was just too obvious. Rob Key has to get back into the Test team. This is how:

Rob Key must score a quintuple century.

Nobody can ignore a batsman who goes past 500 in a first-class match. Breaking Brian Lara’s record of 501 would make up for Rob Key’s lack of hundreds so far and it would send his batting average sky-high. At a stroke he would leapfrog everyone and earn a place in the England side. Then he could set about scoring some Test match hundreds convincing everyone of his genius.

This plan must be executed without delay. Does anybody have any idea – any idea at all – how we can go about doing this?

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

Rob Key hits fifty against Sri Lanka

It's Friday, the sun's shining, we're going to a beer festival later and Rob Key's hit fifty against Sri Lanka.

That whole 'isn't life wonderful' line would have gone better if Rob hadn't ruined it by getting out for 63. We're still accepting entries for Rob Key songs, incidentally. If you're unsure whether to post something or not, let us just say that we will NEVER tire of songs about Rob Key, no matter what the quality. NEVER.

Back in the England A v Sri Lanka match, keep your eyes on Mr Point-to-prove Chris Read later today.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next