Ones To Watch: Rob Key, Kent

We always describe Rob Key as 'foetally-featured' and you'd be forgiven for thinking that we didn't much like him. Nothing could be further from the truth. We're absolutely desperate for him to get back into the England side.

One of the problems of being us (and there are several) is that as soon as a player gets into the England team we can't help but idolise them. This makes it particularly tricky when you want a player to break into the side. Who gets dropped? Ordinarily, we neatly side-step that particular landmine by not suggesting anybody.

And that's what we're going to do here. Rob Key for England.

Feel free to include any Rob Key songs you may have written in the comments. We'll put one in to start you off.

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

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Blogger Blue and Brown said...

He's fat, bipedal;
His features are quite foetal;

9:14 am  
Anonymous Mr R Key, Kent, UK said...

My name is Bobby Key
Hurah, hurah
I look like an almost baby
Hurah, hurah

10:15 am  
Anonymous june said...

His name is Bobby Keey
He looks like my mate Phil D
But fatter, a lot fatter

If I saw him the street,
I'd think, is that Phil D?
no he's too fat, he's too fat

11:38 am  
Anonymous june said...


it isn't a sport if you can play it at at a professional level and still be fat.

apart from snooker...

2:28 pm  
Anonymous june said...

To the tune of Robin Hood, Robin Hood...

(think of him galloping on a horse)

Robert Key Robert Key
He is twenty five
Robert Key Robert Key
He ate all the pies
should he eat more?
until he's obese?
course he should,
course he should,
pass the cheese

(yes cheese does rhyme with obese...if you say it right...kind of...)

2:42 pm  
Anonymous june said...

To Go West, I have in my head the disco pop of The Pet Shop Boys version, any will do.

you will see that the theme of age and pies have been continued. This is deliberate in my work. This is a more recent attempt, acknowledging the fact that Robert is now a year older. Time waits for no man, not even...

Robert Keys
Now he's twenty six,
Robert Keys,
He don't eat quiche
Robert Keys,
He's quite a size,
Robert Keys,
He likes a pie

Robert Keys
Has an almost baby face
Robert Keys
He's a batting ace
Robert Keys
scored a double hundred againt India
Robert Keys
he's a cricket wonder

the double hundred line does have to be sung quickly to fit,

thats why I prefer the hi nrg of the Pet Shop Boys, the pounding drums help propel you through.

11:30 am  
Anonymous june said...

it has been brought to my attention that there are some factual errors in the above song.

I can only apologise, my source, who assures me he knows his cricket, misinformed me.

Apparently double hundred scoring batsman, against India, Robert Keys, DOES like quiche,


nobody else got a song?

2:33 pm  
Blogger Blue and Brown said...

To the tune of My Old Man's A Dustman:

Rob Key is a batsman, he's an opener for Kent;
The foetal-featured genius didn't forego lard for lent.

12:47 pm  

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