Mark Cosgrove: Batsman, mathematician, scholar

Mark Cosgrove has today described Darren Lehmann's eternal abilities, while being interviewed about South Australia's hopes for the season:

"He somehow always makes 1,000 runs. Even if he seems to have the worst year, you look at his figures and go, 'he actually still got 800 runs'."

What's making us point out that Mark Cosgrove doesn't know that 800 is less than a thousand? It's a fairly innocuous thing - a verbal slip, at most. Would we be reporting this if it were any other player?

It's because he's a little bit fat, isn't it? Any excuse for a post on a fat cricketer.

Mark Cosgrove double hundred

We're going to have to admit to ourself that we've a penchant for fat cricketers. Rob Key, Inzy, Darren Lehmann, Ian Austin - the evidence is really stacking up. Well by that rationale we'd better add Mark Cosgrove to the list.

Mark Cosgrove is nicknamed 'Baby Boof' for his resemblance to his South Australia team mate Darren Lehmann or 'Boof'. We asked our Australian friend why Darren Lehmann was called 'Boof' but he never really gave us a satisfactory answer. Anyway, Baby Boof, Mark Cosgrove, hit 233 not out off 258 balls for Glamorgan against Derbyshire yesterday. Big hundreds are where it's at. We're not sure about his face though.

He's obviously class. Darren Lehmann says he could win Australia a World Cup. The jury's out though because of the face. Although there is the fat factor...

Do cricket fans dream of fat cricketers?

You may not believe this, but it's equally possible that you will: We genuinely dream about overweight cricketers. Last night it was Darren Lehmann's turn. We'd like to dream about women or something, but for some reason, we don't get a say in it, even though it's our brain that's responsible.

Darren Lehmann From Dreams doesn't like being touched on his right shoulder. He'd just finished compiling a typically classy hundred for Victoria (does he play for Victoria at the moment?) and his batting partner put his arm around him to congratulate him. "Don't touch me there," said Darren Lehmann From Dreams.

We've always thought that, like most Australians, Darren Lehmann would be an easy-going sort of bloke. Darren Lehmann From Dreams seemed kind of grumpy. We spoke to him after his innings, which was compiled entirely during twilight for some reason. We thought we'd try and lighten the mood by cracking a joke about certain county teams trying to pick up extra bowling points by playing on sub-standard pitches. Darren Lehmann From Dreams didn't crack a smile. We can't say we blame him. He said that he didn't think anyone was doing that.

Mark Cosgrove promises to get even larger

To think that we were originally in two minds as to whether to adopt Mark Cosgrove as a King Cricket favourite. He's a fat cricketer - it's the easiest decision imaginable.

Today's great Mark Cosgrove news is that Mark may well get fatter still, potentially challenging Warwick Armstrong for the title of 'fattest ever Test cricketer', assuming Mark can force his way into the Australia side.

Mark's spiritual-guru-cum-role-model, Darren Lehmann, recently indicated that he thought that Mark's fitness (read 'pie-eating') might be holding him back. Fortunately, South Australia coach, Wayne Phillips has claimed that nothing would be done about Cosgrove's weight until "it gets ridiculous."

Hurray. That's a promise. Mark Cosgrove's own coach has given him the green light. There is no impediment to stop Mark Cosgrove's weight getting ridiculous.

Fat South Africans

Watching New Zealand against South Africa yesterday, we were reminded of a line in the film Grosse Point Blank. Joan Cusack's character, Marcella, describes her high school reunion thus: "It was almost as if everyone had swelled."

Don't get us wrong, the South Africans aren't Mark Cosgrove fat or Ian 'Fatty' Austin fat. They're not the good kind of fat. They're paunchy and middle-aged looking.

Mark Boucher's definitely got a bit of middle-aged spread. Andrew Hall should change his surname to 'Ball' he's becoming so pot-bellied and spherical. Jacques Kallis has always been receding, but he's distinctly sturdy looking now as well.

If England's official sports snack is the Jaffa Cake, South Africa's must be rendered pork fat.

The serious side of this is that while Australia fielded only two players under 30 the other day - Michael Clarke, 26 and Shaun Tait, 22 - none of the other nine looked at all flabby. South Africa look soft and not just physically.

Warwick Armstrong - like Inzy plus David Boon plus Freddie during his 'pie years'

In response to June and also because not a lot's going on today, here's a picture of Warwick Armstrong, the heaviest cricketer ever to play at Test level. He's mighty fat.

We all know the greatest batsmen and bowlers, but not a lot of us know the fattest bastards to play Test cricket. Warwick Armstrong played for Australia and was bizarrely nicknamed "The Big Ship". We'd have nicknamed him "The Fat Bastard". It's maybe not that clever ordinarily, but the inclusion of the definite article 'the' raises it to another level.

Let's all pay tribute to "The Fat Bastard" by eating crisps and gammon tonight. And maybe drinking some beer. We reckon that old Warwick was partial to the odd glass of rendered goose fat mixed with ethanol.