Monty Panesar makes his entrance

Thanks for your performances over the years, Ashley Giles. Here's your gold watch.

We were lying in bed this morning, a little unsettled by a dream about trying to keep a vampire in the wardrobe, but overall really quite comfortable and with no intention of getting up. At this point, somebody - presumably one of the cats - said: "I think Monty Panesar's done something".

Monty Panesar NEVER does anything bad and we shot out of bed. It could mean only one thing and yes, sure enough, Monty Panesar had taken five wickets. Actually, it was four at the time, but he was en route to five.

This man can do no wrong. 'Don't expect miracles', he warned England supporters. He was just toying with us. We don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect a miracle every single time he takes the field. In fact we expect a miracle even when he's eating his breakfast. You might think that's being quite demanding on our part, but he fulfils those demands EVERY SINGLE TIME.