A streaker's arse

Are we really the kind of website that would publish a picture of a streaker?



It would appear so.

It cost him a £1,000 fine for this, so we're just trying to give him his money's worth.

We didn't take this picture, by the way. We just published it on the internet.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul's hundred not enough for him

We've just got back from day five of the Old Trafford Test. We've never been to the Monday of a Test before. It's the missing link between county cricket crowds and Test match ones. It had the attendance of a Test match, but everyone was watching intently.

If you want to hear some guy shout to another three rows in front of him: "Graham: Show us your tats. Graham, Graham, show us your - oh... you're not Graham..." then attend a Test on a Saturday. If you want to hear a heartfelt standing ovation for a magnificent fourth innings hundred, go on a Monday. Both are good in their own ways.

That magnificent fourth innings hundred was of course that of Shivnarine Chanderpaul. Any batsman could learn a thing or two from Shiv. He's got one of the clearest batting minds in the game. He's forever weighing up the field, the pitch, the state of the game and how many balls he can let his partner face.

It was no mean feat to pass 100 on a pitch where consecutive deliveries from Monty Panesar bounced over the wicketkeeper's head and ran along the floor, despite pitching in roughly the same spot.

After the last wicket fell, we glanced at the big screen. In the background, Shiv was walking off the field shaking his head vigorously. It could have been about that final wicket, but more likely he was dissatisfied at having fallen short in what would have been a world record run-chase.

If you've watched much of the West Indies' last two tours to England, Shivnarine Chanderpaul will be a familiar sight. He now averages 68 in 10 Tests in this country.

England v West Indies, third Test, day three at Old Trafford
England 370 (Ian Bell 97, Alastair Cook 60)
West Indies 229 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 50, Monty Panesar 4-50)
England 313 (Alastair Cook 106, Kevin Pietersen 68, Darren Sammy 7-66)
West Indies 394 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 116 not out, Runako Morton 54, Monty Panesar 6-137, Steve Harmison 4-95)

England win the Test and hold an unassailable 2-0 lead with one Test to go.

West Indian fielding

What was going on out there yesterday?

Three streakers, a batsman's helmet getting him out, a wicketkeeper getting hit in the face and fielding that made you want to cry for about a year, whether you were West Indian or not.

It was summed up quite well when Darren Powell came over to bring a drink to Fidel Edwards, who was fielding in front of our stand. The previous hour had contained a good percentage of the day's joke fielding. Someone in the crowd shouted: "Hey Darren. How do you get dropped from this team?"

Powell laughed, but it was a good question really.

The slow rolling ball that went straight between Jerome Taylor's legs and for four was our favourite. That happened immediately before lunch and the stand-in West Indies coach, David Moore, must have spent the next 40 minutes bollocking Taylor. In a fair world, Taylor wouldn't have reappeared after the break and Moore would still be bollocking him now, not having drawn breath at any point.

England v West Indies, third Test, day three at Old Trafford
England 370 (Ian Bell 97, Alastair Cook 60)
West Indies 229 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 50, Monty Panesar 4-50)
England 313 (Alastair Cook 106, Kevin Pietersen 68, Darren Sammy 7-66)
West Indies 22-1

We saw James Anderson

We went to watch Lancashire's Pro40 match against Glamorgan yesterday. It was a great victory for Lancashire, although the downside was that it was pretty much over as a contest after about four overs of Glamorgan's innings. Still, you can't complain if your team hammers someone, can you?

Dominic Cork set the tone of the match when he came in to bat at three. He's in form with the bat at the moment and he's still the kind of player who can have an impact that goes further than his own contribution. Nathan Astle outscored him, but it was Dominic Cork's presence that first got him going.

The biggest moment came when the teams were announced. There was one change to Lancashire's side and James Anderson was playing. James Anderson is loved without exception at Old Trafford and an actually quite decent crowd made sort of pleased murmuring sounds for a bit.

Later on, he came out to bowl and he immediately looked a class above anyone else, although maybe that's unfair on Kyle Hogg. Regardless, James Anderson didn't bowl a bad ball and if he wasn't 100%, he still seemed dangerous as he took a couple of wickets. He's not really one for emotions, but he celebrated quite noticeably when he took his first.

He'll probably be used to it by the Ashes and will barely crack a smile when he takes 10-12 in the first Test.

24 hours around the cricket

9am - Catch bus.

9.15am - Alight from bus and start walking down our special shortcut to Old Trafford.

9.30am - Remember that our 'special shortcut' was actually a shortcut from where we used to live and not from the bus stop. We've actually added distance to our journey.

9.40am - Arrive at ground.

11am - We don't really know several of the people we're sitting with. They go and get beer. It seems early.

11.15am - The people seem keen to get more beer. We start to feel under pressure. If it weren't for the relaxing properties of the beer, we'd probably be having a panic attack about now.

11.30am - The bulbous pint-glass bottom situation comes to light, as the first drink is spilt. This will be a theme for the day.

1pm - We start a beer-glass worm. When we say 'we', we in fact mean the people we're with, together with the row of people in front of us. We provide some glasses though. We feel that we were there at The Worm's inception.

3pm - A large cheer greets the joining of The Worm with a relative.

3.30pm - The Worm is dismantled by a steward. Our dreams of a beer-glass boundary rope are quashed.

6.30pm - The match finishes and we walk over to the grocers to buy some coriander.

6.40pm - The shopkeeper refuses to let us in on "the secret" to growing coriander well. He appeases us by telling us that it just grows better in Pakistan and places.

6.45pm - As we leave the shop the shopkeeper reveals that the thick, lush coriander we have bought was grown in Manchester. We reach a tentative agreement that he will reveal "the secret" the next time we purchase coriander.

9pm - We are at home. We start to get a hangover, which is very disconcerting at this hour.

9.30pm - We fall asleep on the settee.

10pm - We fall asleep on the bed, but in our clothes.

3am - We awake to find that the Beer Badger has already visited. In addition to taking all of our money and doing something in our mouth, the Beer Badger has brought a profound sense of our own worthlessness which is quite astounding in its clarity.

4am - Curse the Beer Badger for his work as it is denying us the sleep that we so desperately need.

8.30am - Arrive at work and check the clock for what is likely to be a very, very, very, very long day.

Note: The picture depicts an occasion when Mark Richardson of New Zealand hit the ball into the crowd and it landed in someone's beer. We thought it was an apt photo.

First day of the cricket season: A photo journal

It's the first day of the cricket season. The nation's buzzing. We went down to Old Trafford for Lancashire against Hampshire to sample the party atmosphere.



This was what the sky looked like this morning. We Mancunians pride ourselves on knowing the local weather. These aren't rain clouds.


Hmm. We're not in north Lancashire or south-west Cheshire. We're in the bit without "brighter, drier intervals".

This picture tells us two things: That we're still in our house at 13:06 because of the rain and that we like to pile CDs on top of our stereo.

Woolly hat. Check. Ski socks. Check. It's officially a 'double trousers day' too. Readers in warmer climes may be unfamiliar with the concept of wearing two pairs of trousers simultaneously. Believe us, sometimes it can and must be done.

Play eventually started at 3pm. Lancashire asked Hampshire to bat which meant that we didn't have to endure Iain Sutcliffe's batting. Even Iain Sutcliffe's mum's favourite cricketer isn't Iain Sutcliffe.

Lancashire opened the bowling with ageing medium-pace all-rounder, Glenn Chapple...

...and ageing medium-pace all-rounder, Dominic Cork.

We missed John Crawley's wicket. This is where they put the big screen when there's a Test match.

Glenn Chapple enjoys a bit of banter with the crowd.

Here are a few notable names who could have been playing in this fixture, but weren't: Kevin Pietersen, Shane Warne, James Anderson, Andrew Flintoff, Brad Hodge and Sajid Mahmood. Not to worry though, because the Old Trafford faithful were treated to Dominic Thornely and Nic Pothas instead...

We hadn't seen Tom Smith before, but we were impressed. He consistently made the batsmen play and on occasions beat them for pace. He fully deserved his 3-29. Are we the first off the mark in lauding him? What do we win?

We were slightly disappointed that nobody spoke to us, like World Cup winner, Andy Bichel did, but we still had a good day, largely due to Lancashire's success and partly due to the large amount of clothes we wore.

Great cricketers we have known: World cup winner, Andy Bichel

Proper cricket journalists are always on about how they were chatting to Darren Gough in the hotel bar or out to dinner with Steve Waugh.

Well we’re not going to be outdone, so here’s a brief feature that we’re going to call ‘great cricketers we have known’.

It’s a very brief feature, because as far as we can remember, world cup winner, Andy Bichel’s the only cricketer we’ve ever spoken to, unless we once had a gay affair with Alan Mullally or someone, but we think that we’d remember that.

A couple of years ago Worcestershire were playing Lancashire at Old Trafford. We sat on our own down at fine leg and world cup winner, Andy Bichel was fielding there. We’d always hated world cup winner, Andy Bichel. He seemed the embodiment of self-satisfied Australian triumph. Turns out he’s all right. Bloody Australians.

He just started talking to us as if we were Michael Kasprowicz or someone, rather than a sad bastard in the crowd.

We mostly said embarrassingly stupid things to world cup winner, Andy Bichel. He in turn offered the following information:

The ball wasn’t swinging for him. It was for Matt Mason.
He and ‘Stuey’ (Stuart Law, who was batting) had been mates for years.
He couldn’t look Stuey in the eye when bowling.

Fortunately for world cup winner, Andy Bichel, Stuart Law promptly got himself out at the other end and his uncomfortable ordeal was over.

The next day we went and watched again, but we sat somewhere else because we didn’t want world cup winner, Andy Bichel to think that we were stalking him. Secretly we wanted him to spot us and come and say hello, but he didn’t.