Brian Lara 501

John Morris must have been feeling good back in June 1994. He'd just hit a double hundred. Unfortunately, this Brian Lara character was in the purplest patch there's ever been. Prior to this, we thought we knew what purple was, but Brian Lara knew better. 'Here's purple', he said. 'Dear Lord, just what do you think you're doing?' we replied. John Morris mostly fielded.

It started with the then world record Test score of 375 and continued with seven hundreds in eight innings. This was the last of those eight innings - Brian Lara broke the record for the highest ever first-class score. He hit 501 not out off 427 balls. He hit 62 fours and ten sixes.

If we were going to pick one of the five hundreds in that innings as the best, we'd probably go for 200-300. It took 58 balls and featured 14 fours and five sixes. This was presumably before Durham felt completely crushed and awestruck. After that they were pretty much broken men.

On the other hand 300-400 must have been quite knackering: 72 balls, but only nine fours and a single six. That's an impressive amount of running. Brian Lara had been batting a while by this point so he must have been mighty fit.

And then there's 400-501: The pressure's on. It's nearing the end of the day. He's absolutely shattered, but it still only takes him 77 balls.

For the record, the first hundred was on an earlier day (the day in between was washed out) and took 138 balls with 14 fours and 100-200 was a mere 82 balls with 16 fours and two sixes.

Any one of those hundreds would be magnificent. Any two of those combined, would be awesome. Any three would be virtually unparalleled. Any four and we're in a kind of fantasy land. All five, together, in succession, makes the kind of innings that people still write about 12 years later, wide-eyed and dumbstruck.

Sachin Tendulkar's wrists of adamantium

When striking a 90mph delivery, most people would be satisfied to keep the bat in their hand. Not Sachin. But then Sachin Tendulkar's not like other batsmen. He's "a bit special".

'Working the ball to leg' is a cricketing phrase which has fairly workmanlike connotations. It conjures images of a batsman manoevring a single when the bowling's tight and the field's on top of him. Sachin Tendulkar can 'work the ball to leg' in a different way. He has the ability to hit the ball pretty much where he chooses and do so with lump hammer force.

It takes better than split-second timing to put an off-side delivery through a gap in the leg-side. It also takes some wrists. Think of wristy sports and they're ones where you hit objects which are light and non-threatening, like table tennis or badminton. Cricket balls, as we all know, are more like lumps of rock. Cricket balls frequently break bones. You want solidity when you hit a cricket ball. You don't want to be relying on feeble joints like the wrist. Wrists aren't meant to stand up to things like a cricket ball.

Sachin Tendulkar is The Balls.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

We had our first Ashes dream

Not our first Ashes dream ever. Are you mental? No. The first for this series (which doesn't start for months yet).

It was quite a good one, fulfilling many of the Ashes dream criteria, but it did end on a bit of a cliffhanger and there was a degree of frustration involved.

It was the first Test, as it always is in Ashes dreams and it was being played in Jamaica, which is just about never the case in Ashes dreams. Australia batted first and hit 500. This is a surprisingly common theme in Ashes dreams. Sometimes the Aussies are crushed from the outset, but more frequently they maintain their world-beating aura until the final act.

On this occasion England started their fightback in the first innings. Michael Vaughan (yes, Michael Vaughan) declares with England on 780 and Andy Flintoff unbeaten on 177. We're not too sure why Michael didn't let Flintoff get his double hundred. It was only the end of the second day because England had scored so phenomenally quickly.

At this point we go off to the pub, but unfortunately we can't find the bar. Then Afridi (who is our cat) starts squeaking and jumping on our feet and we wake up. We don't know why he squeaks. We're going to train him to shout 'Howzat' instead, although that might be even more annoying at 5am.

Tom Smith - season verdict

The most personal of the Ones To Watch, being as he won us over on the first day of the season. We're glad that we went for him as a result of that, but it was probably a little premature.

Tom Smith took 35 wickets at 30.65, which is okay, but maybe not worth looking out for. He got into the Academy though. That's a pretty big thing in our opinion, although you probably aren't that impressed. Well just what would impress you, eh? Do you want Tom Smith to sprout wings and swoop around in the outfield? Do you want him to give you free gold during the lunch break?

You people will crush the young cricketers of this nation with your stellar expectations.

In a word: Parkin.

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Ball tampering row latest

Somebody's been found guilty of one thing, but not guilty of another. That person's been banned for some games.

A different person, who was accused of something else, was found not guilty.

Rob Key - season verdict

Two hundreds and an average of 36.76 isn't up to Rob Key's high, high standards. Rob Key's standards are higher than Godzilla climbing a ladder at the top of Everest. On the other hand, he did give us more joy than any other player all season with one of those hundreds. More of that please Rob.

He's in Australia when the Ashes are being played and in our head - where real life is scripted purely for our benefit - Rob will be given a one-time chance to prove his worth through unexpected good fortune and will WIN ENGLAND THE ASHES. The odds will be stacked against him. England will be chasing 500 to win and Rob will hit 350 of them in what all cricket experts will unite in saying is 'the greatest innings of all time'.

Then the ECB will reward Rob by purchasing the moon for him. Rob will thank them, say that he's happy enough and give the moon to charity. Charity will sell the moon to someone really minted, who for some reason didn't make an offer when the ECB were bidding for it, and the world's problems will be over. All because of Rob Key.

In a word: Rubies.

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Rob Key posts:
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Matt Prior - season verdict

Three hundreds and an average of 46.70 put Matt Prior way ahead of Geraint Jones and marginally ahead of Chris Read.

No-one's really taking any notice though. Matt didn't help himself by batting like a rank amateur during the winter. You've got to make an impact in international cricket. Geraint Jones is still living of that first series he had against New Zealand.

Matt Prior's still only 24. Worcestershire's Steven Davies is only 20 and he hit three hundreds this season too. Who shall we go for as the Ones To Watch 2007 wicketkeeper? We've got a while to think about it.

In a word: Tapestry.

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Mark Butcher - season verdict

Mark Butcher finished the season with five hundreds and an average of 58.60, which was only marginally overshadowed by the fact that he was only half as successful as another of Surrey's middle order. He also captained Surrey as they finished top of the second division. All in all, pretty good.

If we were being honest, we'd have to say that the standards for a successful Mark Butcher season were probably higher than for some of the other Ones To Watch on the grounds that he's already set himself a standard. That standard was set at international level, so in that sense, he hasn't actually made the grade.

When we picked Mark Butcher as One To Watch, we did so on the basis that he might get picked for England and that some people might have forgotten about him and be surprised. We didn't actually think that was going to happen though. Next year we'll give the 2007 Ones To Watch a bit more thought. We won't be all caught up by the World Cup and be caught off guard by the county season. We won't just dash something off thoughtlessly. No. Never.

In a word: Flymo.

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Mark Davies - season verdict

Mark Davies astounding anonymity continues. Admittedly, it was largely because he didn't play much this year. Two matches. Two measly matches. That's all we got. We think that he was injured, which isn't very Viking of him. The Vikings never got injured. An axe head embedded in the sternum - nothing to a Viking. Decapitation - nothing.

Mark Davies has been suffering from a back problem or something. The amount of cricket he's missed he mustn't have a spine.

In a word: Monocle.

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Dean Jones proves that being a moron is no barrier to success

Someone's offered Dean Jones work: Southern Cross Radio in Australia and "an Indian TV network".

Dean Jones infamously referred to South Africa's Hashim Amla as "the terrorist," presumably on the grounds that he's a Muslim and/or because he's got a beard. When questioned, Dean Jones said: "It's an unfortunate situation and I've apologised."

This shows an interesting understanding of what constitutes 'fortune'. It was just the roll of the dice which led you to make those bigoted remarks, wasn't it Dean? It wasn't your brain that told you to say that.

And it's that brain that these people are employing. We're all for giving someone a second chance, but sometimes you use up several chances in one go. Regardless of what he meant or who he addressed the comment to, it was a stupid comment and one that's indicative of a stupid man. It begs the question, if most of the viewers/listeners are smarter than the commentator, just what does he have to offer?

It might be a different story if this were Richie Benaud we were talking about, but that's our point in a nutshell: Richie Benaud would NEVER, EVER HAVE SAID THAT.

Bilal Shafayat - season verdict

At the half-way point, Bilal Shafayat had hit two hundreds. And that was it. He never hit another all season.

He ended the season averaging 31.67 and, frankly, that isn't good enough. Once again we're left with the foetid stench of failure. Someone else's failure too. Over the years we've become accustomed to our own Eau de Failure, but this kind of thing brings back memories of when the rank cloud first descended.

We actually thought that we detected a faint whiff at the weekend. We saw someone we used to work with ages ago and had to avoid them. If we hadn't avoided them, they'd have said: "I'm an ambassador for planet earth and I recently bought Sweden. What do you do now?" And we'd have had to tell them that we stayed at the same place where we worked with them, but after a bit we were asked us to leave and at the moment we weren't doing anything.

At least Bilal Shafayat scored two first-class hundreds. What have we accomplished?

In a word: Teabag (used).

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Nick Knight retires

Nick Knight was a FANTASTIC one-day batsman for England, if not the best that this nation has produced. There was often a bit of a sniffy 'why hasn't he performed at Test level?' thing about him, which was moronic. People would cite his Test record as a reason for dropping him from the one-day side.

That he became a one-day fixture in a nation that misunderstands the format so badly was testament to his abilities. Nick Knight could 'do' one-day batting. He'd hit over the top during the fielding restrictions. He'd nurdle in the middle overs. He'd reverse sweep when the fielding side thought they'd worked out his shots. He'd come down the pitch. He'd pretend to come down the pitch and not do so. He'd give himself room. He'd walk across his stumps. He'd shout 'look out behind you' when someone was about to catch him out. In short, he knew all there is to know about one-day batting.

An absolute master. England should give him some sort of one-day batting coaching job before lunchtime today. If they don't, we will. That's a slightly meaningless threat being as we don't have a team or money, but still. In reality he's going to Sky, which is weird as he's not an ex-England captain.

Nick Knight's one-day international record is round and sweet, like a fudge cricket ball: 100 innings, average of 40.

Sajid Mahmood - season verdict

For some pundits, the jury's still out on Sajid Mahmood. He devised two ingenious bowling tactics for the one-dayers: The leg-side wide tactic and the medium-paced, wide long-hop tactic. However in the Test arena he bowled some occasionally fantastic spells.

For us, the occasional, decent spells show that he's worth having in England's team. Far better to have a young bowler who is capable of extraordinary bowling than a reliable older bowler. There's every chance that Sajid Mahmood's good spells will come more frequently and he will gain consistency, but it's a bigger leap for a solid, consistent bowler to suddenly produce devastating overs. Saj has got that in him and it's a rare thing.

His first-class bowling record for the season reads 36 wickets at 25.69. If you look at the bowlers who took more wickets at a lower average, they are, to a man, older, foreign or both.

In a word: Doubloons.

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Will Jefferson - season verdict

Will Jefferson had one first-class innings in which he scored five. Then he left Essex and is going to be joining Nottinghamshire.

It was a season postponed for Will.

In a word: Thimble.

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Graeme Swann - season verdict

With a batting average of 27.30 and a bowling average of 44.53, Graeme Swann fell some way short of the pass mark for an all-rounder. He also fell some way short of being 'good'.

We were hopelessly wrong in predicting a great season for Graeme Swann. We're not sure we'll ever be able to forgive his treachery. And why should we?

In a word: Carpet.

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Ones To Watch - how did they fare?

We did a half-term report on each of our Ones To Watch, but now it's time for the final verdicts. Instead of giving each player a grade, we're instead going to give them a single word and the word will be an item that somehow sums up their entire season. This rating system is quite open to artistic licence.

Graeme Swann
Will Jefferson
Sajid Mahmood
Bilal Shafayat
Mark Davies
Mark Butcher
Matt Prior
Rob Key
Tom Smith

Links to the original Ones to Watch posts

Robin Smith's International Cricket

Look at this for a screenshot:


Now that's simplicity. We're guessing that the numbers one to three represent the skill level, which is admirably straightforward, although they've got Sachin Tendulkar as a one. Maybe he hadn't made his debut when this was made.

They've got Kapil Dev as a wicketkeeper too. Old games always had jarring errors like that. Not any more though. You never end up with Gavin Hamilton being the best bowler in the world. No. Never.

More cricket games

Mushtaq Ahmed - a googly, a leg-break and it's all over

Not one of our more outrageous predictions, but Sussex have indeed won the County Championship. And it was indeed Mushtaq Ahmed who played the decisive hand. He'd taken 4-6 this morning. He finished with 9-48 - the best figures of his career. It also meant he once again passed 100 wickets for the season.

He's a rarity this Mushy. We hope that he goes on playing for years and years yet, even if it does mean that Lancashire keep getting denied the Championship.

Leg-spinner: Check. Beard: Check. Slightly pudgy: Check - all he needs to do is develop a Shahid Afridi-esque approach with the bat.

He can't say that - the ball's supposed to be round!

The question is: Is this joke bad enough to include on King Cricket? We know that it's not good enough, but is it bad enough?

The line 'he can't say that - the ball's supposed to be round!' applies to the headline of this article at Cricinfo.

We'd better go and do something else if this is all we can come up with. That coal won't wash itself, for a start.

Robin Smith's square-cut

We were only about twelve, but even we knew that you didn't bowl short and wide at Robin Smith. The man had forearms like post-spinach Popeye and he used them.

The square-cut's a difficult stroke to hit powerfully. On-side shots are more suited to a free swing of the arms. Robin Smith used to try and split the ball in half with his square-cuts. There'd be a percussive pop and Smith would have four more runs. Every time.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Brian Lara's inside-out drive

Any of Brian Lara's drives warrant inclusion for their sheer class. His pristine back-foot flail through the covers is arguably his signature stroke, but it's the inside-out drive - the off-drive to a leg-side delivery - which really shows how this guy bats alone.

As a bowler, the first sign of impending disaster is the backlift. Brian Lara's bat comes straight up behind him. Vertically. Really he should put a sign on the back of it saying: 'Take that, you bastard'. The ball may be spearing towards his feet, but those are no ordinary feet. Those are feet of which even Michael Flatley would be jealous. The feet flutter their owner across the crease.

The ball is pretty much underneath his nose before Lara bothers to move his bat again. You don't think he's given himself enough time to play a shot, but you'd be wrong. The bat whirs through, seemingly only appearing in two places and none of the intervening points - the point where he strikes the ball and then behind his back after the world's biggest follow-through. If you're wondering where the ball is, look between the fielders and then look beyond to the boundary rope. It's somewhere over there.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Mushtaq Ahmed decides the County Championship

Mushtaq Ahmed has pretty much decided the County Championship by taking 4-60 in bowling out Sussex's opponents, Nottinghamshire, for 165. He's now taken 4-6 to reduce them to 50-4 in their second innings. That's four wickets for six runs, to clarify.

But more than that, Mushtaq Ahmed's season-long contribution has also decided the County Championship. The man just takes heaps and heaps of wickets. If you're batting last against Sussex, you're done for.

Mushtaq Ahmed has now taken 12,000 first-class wickets for Sussex at an average of 4.15. He has, at one time or another, bowled out everyone in the phone book and even some fictional characters, such as Sherlock Holmes and Wizbit - Wizbit came down the pitch and was stumped.

Lancashire will rightly blame the weather for their impending runners-up spot, but we're sure they'll not begrudge Sussex the title one bit. They shouldn't.

Darren Lehmann should go for the record

Darren Lehmann has 261 not out from 302 balls. It's his highest score for Yorkshire. David Hopps in the Guardian says that this is Lehmann's final game for Yorkshire. Perhaps it's his final game for anyone - we don't know. Well what better way to go out than to break Brian Lara's first-class record of 501.

Okay. It's a long way off, but it's not unreasonable. Yorkshire need to score more points in this match than their opponents, Durham, to survive in the first division. They don't actually need to win. Besides, we've only had one day's play and Lehmann's well over half-way there. He's a fast scorer and we're sure he could up it a notch if he were in with a shout.

We wouldn't bet against Darren Lehmann. Also from that same David Hopps article, Darren Lehmann has hit 8,532 runs for Yorkshire at 66.66. That's just monstrous. How this guy only played 27 Tests is beyond us.

Failing the 501, Darren's own highest score is 301.

Sorry to keep going on about him, but we're just not sure that you're getting EXACTLY how much better than other batsmen Darrenn Lehmann is. You have to ask yourself: How much more better could he be? The answer, of course, is 'none'. None more better...

You know that we're just messing about with the previous paragraph, don't you? We're not actually illiterate.

Mark Boucher bullies children

Yes. Yes, he does. We've seen him; stealing their stretchy cheese-string; shaking their cans of coke and then opening them in their faces; giving them wedgies and rear admirals (no idea); calling them names and laughing at them when they cry.

Actually, Mark Boucher just bullies substandard "international" bowling attacks. He just hit his first ever one-day international hundred, but it was against Zimbabwe, so it doesn't count. Doesn't count for what, you ask? Anything. It doesn't count in any way.

South Africa hit 418-5. Zimbabwe are going to bat soon. We're probably not even going to bother checking the score, if we're honest.

No picture unfortunately, because Blogger's balls. Not 'the balls', you understand. Just balls. Subtly, yet crucially different.

Lara and Tendulkar - still a class above

After Tendulkar watched a series of batting partners come and go in India's innings, so Brian Lara proved the only capable batsman for the West Indies.

Chasing only 163, Lara chose to give less experienced batsmen the opportunity to bring the Windies home. Each and every one failed and Lara arrived at the crease with the side 96-7. From then, in the words of Cricinfo's Anand Vasu:

"It was as though there were two different games happening simultaneously - one when Lara was on strike and the bowling looked utterly manageable and another entirely when the other West Indians batted, groping and feeling for the ball helplessly."

The West Indies triumphantly failed to reach their minuscule target and Lara was left 40 not out, a king amongst paupers.

Alec Stewart's one-legged pull shot

Alec Stewart taught us the word 'nepotism'. Then it turned out that actually he was a pretty good batsman. Then it became apparent that actually he was a fine batsman. Then he turned out to be a decent wicketkeeper and suddenly he was England's most important player.

We felt it was only appropriate to add Alec Stewart's entry to 'some batsmen and their signature shots' today, because we added Mike Atherton and Mike Atherton and Alec Stewart go together like chalk and cheese. And actually that does make sense, because you always hear 'chalk' and 'cheese' mentioned together in that very phrase and also you always hear Mike Atherton and Alec Stewart referred to as 'chalk and cheese'. Don't know which one's which though. Ooh. If cricketers were cheeses. There's a series that needs writing. KP would be the brie with chilli that we got this week - unbelievably naff on the surface, but surprisingly good.

Anyway, Alec Stewart's pull shot. Er, he always hit it on one leg. That's pretty much it. It was a very authoritative stroke - people write that about cricket shots all the time, but this was a ferociously hit shot and would pretty much take the shorter ball out of the equation. Bowlers would just think: 'Ah nads. Well I won't try THAT again,' or perhaps the Urdu equivalent.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Mike Atherton's back-foot drive on tiptoes

We absolutely loved Mike Atherton. Not for his grit and determination, which is why you're supposed to like Mike Atherton. We just liked him in that unquestioning way when you adopt a player as a youth. One of dad's mates once knew someone who played two games with him and helped him with his forward defensive or something. That was enough. He was our guy from then on.

Early on in his Test career, Mike was far from the blocker of later days. He was sensible, but his back problems weren't too severe and he was a lot freer scoring. His average was well over 40. As his condition deteriorated (ankylosing spondylitits) his average dropped. We used to desperately hope that Mike would get some not-outs so that his average would rise over 40 again, because we're a colossal dork.

Mike Atherton's signature shot, for us, was the back-foot off-drive. None of this square-cutting malarkey for our Mike. He'd play a straight bat, even if it meant getting so upright he was literally at full stretch and standing on tiptoes. Lord knows how he produced any power whatsoever in that position. It's all about balance and timing we're told. We wouldn't know about that. We regularly fall over sideways into walls.

We're not going to be producing appropriate pictures for this series because it's damn near impossible. This one won't get us accused of not-knowing our shots at least.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Some batsmen and their signature shots

It's another King Cricket series. Learning from our mistakes, this time we've altered the series in two key ways:

1: We're not doing it regularly, daily for example, because that would mean remembering stuff.
2: we're not limiting ourself to a nice round number, because we have to weigh things up then and decide what's deserving and what's not. We're not doing that.

Michael Vaughan's pull shot
Mike Atherton's back-foot drive on tiptoes
Alec Stewart's one-legged pull shot
Brian Lara's inside-out drive
Robin Smith's square-cut
Sachin Tendulkar's wrists of adamantium
Lance Klusener's on-drive
Ian Botham's hook
Saqibul Hasan's 'The Shovel'

Dwayne Smith bowls out India

Given a choice between India and the West Indies, we'd always go for India, but we'd like to see the Windies improve and