Brian Lara 501

John Morris must have been feeling good back in June 1994. He'd just hit a double hundred. Unfortunately, this Brian Lara character was in the purplest patch there's ever been. Prior to this, we thought we knew what purple was, but Brian Lara knew better. 'Here's purple', he said. 'Dear Lord, just what do you think you're doing?' we replied. John Morris mostly fielded.

It started with the then world record Test score of 375 and continued with seven hundreds in eight innings. This was the last of those eight innings - Brian Lara broke the record for the highest ever first-class score. He hit 501 not out off 427 balls. He hit 62 fours and ten sixes.

If we were going to pick one of the five hundreds in that innings as the best, we'd probably go for 200-300. It took 58 balls and featured 14 fours and five sixes. This was presumably before Durham felt completely crushed and awestruck. After that they were pretty much broken men.

On the other hand 300-400 must have been quite knackering: 72 balls, but only nine fours and a single six. That's an impressive amount of running. Brian Lara had been batting a while by this point so he must have been mighty fit.

And then there's 400-501: The pressure's on. It's nearing the end of the day. He's absolutely shattered, but it still only takes him 77 balls.

For the record, the first hundred was on an earlier day (the day in between was washed out) and took 138 balls with 14 fours and 100-200 was a mere 82 balls with 16 fours and two sixes.

Any one of those hundreds would be magnificent. Any two of those combined, would be awesome. Any three would be virtually unparalleled. Any four and we're in a kind of fantasy land. All five, together, in succession, makes the kind of innings that people still write about 12 years later, wide-eyed and dumbstruck.

Sachin Tendulkar's wrists of adamantium

When striking a 90mph delivery, most people would be satisfied to keep the bat in their hand. Not Sachin. But then Sachin Tendulkar's not like other batsmen. He's "a bit special".

'Working the ball to leg' is a cricketing phrase which has fairly workmanlike connotations. It conjures images of a batsman manoevring a single when the bowling's tight and the field's on top of him. Sachin Tendulkar can 'work the ball to leg' in a different way. He has the ability to hit the ball pretty much where he chooses and do so with lump hammer force.

It takes better than split-second timing to put an off-side delivery through a gap in the leg-side. It also takes some wrists. Think of wristy sports and they're ones where you hit objects which are light and non-threatening, like table tennis or badminton. Cricket balls, as we all know, are more like lumps of rock. Cricket balls frequently break bones. You want solidity when you hit a cricket ball. You don't want to be relying on feeble joints like the wrist. Wrists aren't meant to stand up to things like a cricket ball.

Sachin Tendulkar is The Balls.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

We had our first Ashes dream

Not our first Ashes dream ever. Are you mental? No. The first for this series (which doesn't start for months yet).

It was quite a good one, fulfilling many of the Ashes dream criteria, but it did end on a bit of a cliffhanger and there was a degree of frustration involved.

It was the first Test, as it always is in Ashes dreams and it was being played in Jamaica, which is just about never the case in Ashes dreams. Australia batted first and hit 500. This is a surprisingly common theme in Ashes dreams. Sometimes the Aussies are crushed from the outset, but more frequently they maintain their world-beating aura until the final act.

On this occasion England started their fightback in the first innings. Michael Vaughan (yes, Michael Vaughan) declares with England on 780 and Andy Flintoff unbeaten on 177. We're not too sure why Michael didn't let Flintoff get his double hundred. It was only the end of the second day because England had scored so phenomenally quickly.

At this point we go off to the pub, but unfortunately we can't find the bar. Then Afridi (who is our cat) starts squeaking and jumping on our feet and we wake up. We don't know why he squeaks. We're going to train him to shout 'Howzat' instead, although that might be even more annoying at 5am.

Tom Smith - season verdict

The most personal of the Ones To Watch, being as he won us over on the first day of the season. We're glad that we went for him as a result of that, but it was probably a little premature.

Tom Smith took 35 wickets at 30.65, which is okay, but maybe not worth looking out for. He got into the Academy though. That's a pretty big thing in our opinion, although you probably aren't that impressed. Well just what would impress you, eh? Do you want Tom Smith to sprout wings and swoop around in the outfield? Do you want him to give you free gold during the lunch break?

You people will crush the young cricketers of this nation with your stellar expectations.

In a word: Parkin.

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Ball tampering row latest

Somebody's been found guilty of one thing, but not guilty of another. That person's been banned for some games.

A different person, who was accused of something else, was found not guilty.

Rob Key - season verdict

Two hundreds and an average of 36.76 isn't up to Rob Key's high, high standards. Rob Key's standards are higher than Godzilla climbing a ladder at the top of Everest. On the other hand, he did give us more joy than any other player all season with one of those hundreds. More of that please Rob.

He's in Australia when the Ashes are being played and in our head - where real life is scripted purely for our benefit - Rob will be given a one-time chance to prove his worth through unexpected good fortune and will WIN ENGLAND THE ASHES. The odds will be stacked against him. England will be chasing 500 to win and Rob will hit 350 of them in what all cricket experts will unite in saying is 'the greatest innings of all time'.

Then the ECB will reward Rob by purchasing the moon for him. Rob will thank them, say that he's happy enough and give the moon to charity. Charity will sell the moon to someone really minted, who for some reason didn't make an offer when the ECB were bidding for it, and the world's problems will be over. All because of Rob Key.

In a word: Rubies.

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Rob Key posts:
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Matt Prior - season verdict

Three hundreds and an average of 46.70 put Matt Prior way ahead of Geraint Jones and marginally ahead of Chris Read.

No-one's really taking any notice though. Matt didn't help himself by batting like a rank amateur during the winter. You've got to make an impact in international cricket. Geraint Jones is still living of that first series he had against New Zealand.

Matt Prior's still only 24. Worcestershire's Steven Davies is only 20 and he hit three hundreds this season too. Who shall we go for as the Ones To Watch 2007 wicketkeeper? We've got a while to think about it.

In a word: Tapestry.

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Mark Butcher - season verdict

Mark Butcher finished the season with five hundreds and an average of 58.60, which was only marginally overshadowed by the fact that he was only half as successful as another of Surrey's middle order. He also captained Surrey as they finished top of the second division. All in all, pretty good.

If we were being honest, we'd have to say that the standards for a successful Mark Butcher season were probably higher than for some of the other Ones To Watch on the grounds that he's already set himself a standard. That standard was set at international level, so in that sense, he hasn't actually made the grade.

When we picked Mark Butcher as One To Watch, we did so on the basis that he might get picked for England and that some people might have forgotten about him and be surprised. We didn't actually think that was going to happen though. Next year we'll give the 2007 Ones To Watch a bit more thought. We won't be all caught up by the World Cup and be caught off guard by the county season. We won't just dash something off thoughtlessly. No. Never.

In a word: Flymo.

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Mark Davies - season verdict

Mark Davies astounding anonymity continues. Admittedly, it was largely because he didn't play much this year. Two matches. Two measly matches. That's all we got. We think that he was injured, which isn't very Viking of him. The Vikings never got injured. An axe head embedded in the sternum - nothing to a Viking. Decapitation - nothing.

Mark Davies has been suffering from a back problem or something. The amount of cricket he's missed he mustn't have a spine.

In a word: Monocle.

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Dean Jones proves that being a moron is no barrier to success

Someone's offered Dean Jones work: Southern Cross Radio in Australia and "an Indian TV network".

Dean Jones infamously referred to South Africa's Hashim Amla as "the terrorist," presumably on the grounds that he's a Muslim and/or because he's got a beard. When questioned, Dean Jones said: "It's an unfortunate situation and I've apologised."

This shows an interesting understanding of what constitutes 'fortune'. It was just the roll of the dice which led you to make those bigoted remarks, wasn't it Dean? It wasn't your brain that told you to say that.

And it's that brain that these people are employing. We're all for giving someone a second chance, but sometimes you use up several chances in one go. Regardless of what he meant or who he addressed the comment to, it was a stupid comment and one that's indicative of a stupid man. It begs the question, if most of the viewers/listeners are smarter than the commentator, just what does he have to offer?

It might be a different story if this were Richie Benaud we were talking about, but that's our point in a nutshell: Richie Benaud would NEVER, EVER HAVE SAID THAT.

Bilal Shafayat - season verdict

At the half-way point, Bilal Shafayat had hit two hundreds. And that was it. He never hit another all season.

He ended the season averaging 31.67 and, frankly, that isn't good enough. Once again we're left with the foetid stench of failure. Someone else's failure too. Over the years we've become accustomed to our own Eau de Failure, but this kind of thing brings back memories of when the rank cloud first descended.

We actually thought that we detected a faint whiff at the weekend. We saw someone we used to work with ages ago and had to avoid them. If we hadn't avoided them, they'd have said: "I'm an ambassador for planet earth and I recently bought Sweden. What do you do now?" And we'd have had to tell them that we stayed at the same place where we worked with them, but after a bit we were asked us to leave and at the moment we weren't doing anything.

At least Bilal Shafayat scored two first-class hundreds. What have we accomplished?

In a word: Teabag (used).

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Nick Knight retires

Nick Knight was a FANTASTIC one-day batsman for England, if not the best that this nation has produced. There was often a bit of a sniffy 'why hasn't he performed at Test level?' thing about him, which was moronic. People would cite his Test record as a reason for dropping him from the one-day side.

That he became a one-day fixture in a nation that misunderstands the format so badly was testament to his abilities. Nick Knight could 'do' one-day batting. He'd hit over the top during the fielding restrictions. He'd nurdle in the middle overs. He'd reverse sweep when the fielding side thought they'd worked out his shots. He'd come down the pitch. He'd pretend to come down the pitch and not do so. He'd give himself room. He'd walk across his stumps. He'd shout 'look out behind you' when someone was about to catch him out. In short, he knew all there is to know about one-day batting.

An absolute master. England should give him some sort of one-day batting coaching job before lunchtime today. If they don't, we will. That's a slightly meaningless threat being as we don't have a team or money, but still. In reality he's going to Sky, which is weird as he's not an ex-England captain.

Nick Knight's one-day international record is round and sweet, like a fudge cricket ball: 100 innings, average of 40.

Sajid Mahmood - season verdict

For some pundits, the jury's still out on Sajid Mahmood. He devised two ingenious bowling tactics for the one-dayers: The leg-side wide tactic and the medium-paced, wide long-hop tactic. However in the Test arena he bowled some occasionally fantastic spells.

For us, the occasional, decent spells show that he's worth having in England's team. Far better to have a young bowler who is capable of extraordinary bowling than a reliable older bowler. There's every chance that Sajid Mahmood's good spells will come more frequently and he will gain consistency, but it's a bigger leap for a solid, consistent bowler to suddenly produce devastating overs. Saj has got that in him and it's a rare thing.

His first-class bowling record for the season reads 36 wickets at 25.69. If you look at the bowlers who took more wickets at a lower average, they are, to a man, older, foreign or both.

In a word: Doubloons.

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Will Jefferson - season verdict

Will Jefferson had one first-class innings in which he scored five. Then he left Essex and is going to be joining Nottinghamshire.

It was a season postponed for Will.

In a word: Thimble.

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Graeme Swann - season verdict

With a batting average of 27.30 and a bowling average of 44.53, Graeme Swann fell some way short of the pass mark for an all-rounder. He also fell some way short of being 'good'.

We were hopelessly wrong in predicting a great season for Graeme Swann. We're not sure we'll ever be able to forgive his treachery. And why should we?

In a word: Carpet.

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Ones To Watch - how did they fare?

We did a half-term report on each of our Ones To Watch, but now it's time for the final verdicts. Instead of giving each player a grade, we're instead going to give them a single word and the word will be an item that somehow sums up their entire season. This rating system is quite open to artistic licence.

Graeme Swann
Will Jefferson
Sajid Mahmood
Bilal Shafayat
Mark Davies
Mark Butcher
Matt Prior
Rob Key
Tom Smith

Links to the original Ones to Watch posts

Robin Smith's International Cricket

Look at this for a screenshot:


Now that's simplicity. We're guessing that the numbers one to three represent the skill level, which is admirably straightforward, although they've got Sachin Tendulkar as a one. Maybe he hadn't made his debut when this was made.

They've got Kapil Dev as a wicketkeeper too. Old games always had jarring errors like that. Not any more though. You never end up with Gavin Hamilton being the best bowler in the world. No. Never.

More cricket games

Mushtaq Ahmed - a googly, a leg-break and it's all over

Not one of our more outrageous predictions, but Sussex have indeed won the County Championship. And it was indeed Mushtaq Ahmed who played the decisive hand. He'd taken 4-6 this morning. He finished with 9-48 - the best figures of his career. It also meant he once again passed 100 wickets for the season.

He's a rarity this Mushy. We hope that he goes on playing for years and years yet, even if it does mean that Lancashire keep getting denied the Championship.

Leg-spinner: Check. Beard: Check. Slightly pudgy: Check - all he needs to do is develop a Shahid Afridi-esque approach with the bat.

He can't say that - the ball's supposed to be round!

The question is: Is this joke bad enough to include on King Cricket? We know that it's not good enough, but is it bad enough?

The line 'he can't say that - the ball's supposed to be round!' applies to the headline of this article at Cricinfo.

We'd better go and do something else if this is all we can come up with. That coal won't wash itself, for a start.

Robin Smith's square-cut

We were only about twelve, but even we knew that you didn't bowl short and wide at Robin Smith. The man had forearms like post-spinach Popeye and he used them.

The square-cut's a difficult stroke to hit powerfully. On-side shots are more suited to a free swing of the arms. Robin Smith used to try and split the ball in half with his square-cuts. There'd be a percussive pop and Smith would have four more runs. Every time.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Brian Lara's inside-out drive

Any of Brian Lara's drives warrant inclusion for their sheer class. His pristine back-foot flail through the covers is arguably his signature stroke, but it's the inside-out drive - the off-drive to a leg-side delivery - which really shows how this guy bats alone.

As a bowler, the first sign of impending disaster is the backlift. Brian Lara's bat comes straight up behind him. Vertically. Really he should put a sign on the back of it saying: 'Take that, you bastard'. The ball may be spearing towards his feet, but those are no ordinary feet. Those are feet of which even Michael Flatley would be jealous. The feet flutter their owner across the crease.

The ball is pretty much underneath his nose before Lara bothers to move his bat again. You don't think he's given himself enough time to play a shot, but you'd be wrong. The bat whirs through, seemingly only appearing in two places and none of the intervening points - the point where he strikes the ball and then behind his back after the world's biggest follow-through. If you're wondering where the ball is, look between the fielders and then look beyond to the boundary rope. It's somewhere over there.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Mushtaq Ahmed decides the County Championship

Mushtaq Ahmed has pretty much decided the County Championship by taking 4-60 in bowling out Sussex's opponents, Nottinghamshire, for 165. He's now taken 4-6 to reduce them to 50-4 in their second innings. That's four wickets for six runs, to clarify.

But more than that, Mushtaq Ahmed's season-long contribution has also decided the County Championship. The man just takes heaps and heaps of wickets. If you're batting last against Sussex, you're done for.

Mushtaq Ahmed has now taken 12,000 first-class wickets for Sussex at an average of 4.15. He has, at one time or another, bowled out everyone in the phone book and even some fictional characters, such as Sherlock Holmes and Wizbit - Wizbit came down the pitch and was stumped.

Lancashire will rightly blame the weather for their impending runners-up spot, but we're sure they'll not begrudge Sussex the title one bit. They shouldn't.

Darren Lehmann should go for the record

Darren Lehmann has 261 not out from 302 balls. It's his highest score for Yorkshire. David Hopps in the Guardian says that this is Lehmann's final game for Yorkshire. Perhaps it's his final game for anyone - we don't know. Well what better way to go out than to break Brian Lara's first-class record of 501.

Okay. It's a long way off, but it's not unreasonable. Yorkshire need to score more points in this match than their opponents, Durham, to survive in the first division. They don't actually need to win. Besides, we've only had one day's play and Lehmann's well over half-way there. He's a fast scorer and we're sure he could up it a notch if he were in with a shout.

We wouldn't bet against Darren Lehmann. Also from that same David Hopps article, Darren Lehmann has hit 8,532 runs for Yorkshire at 66.66. That's just monstrous. How this guy only played 27 Tests is beyond us.

Failing the 501, Darren's own highest score is 301.

Sorry to keep going on about him, but we're just not sure that you're getting EXACTLY how much better than other batsmen Darrenn Lehmann is. You have to ask yourself: How much more better could he be? The answer, of course, is 'none'. None more better...

You know that we're just messing about with the previous paragraph, don't you? We're not actually illiterate.

Mark Boucher bullies children

Yes. Yes, he does. We've seen him; stealing their stretchy cheese-string; shaking their cans of coke and then opening them in their faces; giving them wedgies and rear admirals (no idea); calling them names and laughing at them when they cry.

Actually, Mark Boucher just bullies substandard "international" bowling attacks. He just hit his first ever one-day international hundred, but it was against Zimbabwe, so it doesn't count. Doesn't count for what, you ask? Anything. It doesn't count in any way.

South Africa hit 418-5. Zimbabwe are going to bat soon. We're probably not even going to bother checking the score, if we're honest.

No picture unfortunately, because Blogger's balls. Not 'the balls', you understand. Just balls. Subtly, yet crucially different.

Lara and Tendulkar - still a class above

After Tendulkar watched a series of batting partners come and go in India's innings, so Brian Lara proved the only capable batsman for the West Indies.

Chasing only 163, Lara chose to give less experienced batsmen the opportunity to bring the Windies home. Each and every one failed and Lara arrived at the crease with the side 96-7. From then, in the words of Cricinfo's Anand Vasu:

"It was as though there were two different games happening simultaneously - one when Lara was on strike and the bowling looked utterly manageable and another entirely when the other West Indians batted, groping and feeling for the ball helplessly."

The West Indies triumphantly failed to reach their minuscule target and Lara was left 40 not out, a king amongst paupers.

Alec Stewart's one-legged pull shot

Alec Stewart taught us the word 'nepotism'. Then it turned out that actually he was a pretty good batsman. Then it became apparent that actually he was a fine batsman. Then he turned out to be a decent wicketkeeper and suddenly he was England's most important player.

We felt it was only appropriate to add Alec Stewart's entry to 'some batsmen and their signature shots' today, because we added Mike Atherton and Mike Atherton and Alec Stewart go together like chalk and cheese. And actually that does make sense, because you always hear 'chalk' and 'cheese' mentioned together in that very phrase and also you always hear Mike Atherton and Alec Stewart referred to as 'chalk and cheese'. Don't know which one's which though. Ooh. If cricketers were cheeses. There's a series that needs writing. KP would be the brie with chilli that we got this week - unbelievably naff on the surface, but surprisingly good.

Anyway, Alec Stewart's pull shot. Er, he always hit it on one leg. That's pretty much it. It was a very authoritative stroke - people write that about cricket shots all the time, but this was a ferociously hit shot and would pretty much take the shorter ball out of the equation. Bowlers would just think: 'Ah nads. Well I won't try THAT again,' or perhaps the Urdu equivalent.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Mike Atherton's back-foot drive on tiptoes

We absolutely loved Mike Atherton. Not for his grit and determination, which is why you're supposed to like Mike Atherton. We just liked him in that unquestioning way when you adopt a player as a youth. One of dad's mates once knew someone who played two games with him and helped him with his forward defensive or something. That was enough. He was our guy from then on.

Early on in his Test career, Mike was far from the blocker of later days. He was sensible, but his back problems weren't too severe and he was a lot freer scoring. His average was well over 40. As his condition deteriorated (ankylosing spondylitits) his average dropped. We used to desperately hope that Mike would get some not-outs so that his average would rise over 40 again, because we're a colossal dork.

Mike Atherton's signature shot, for us, was the back-foot off-drive. None of this square-cutting malarkey for our Mike. He'd play a straight bat, even if it meant getting so upright he was literally at full stretch and standing on tiptoes. Lord knows how he produced any power whatsoever in that position. It's all about balance and timing we're told. We wouldn't know about that. We regularly fall over sideways into walls.

We're not going to be producing appropriate pictures for this series because it's damn near impossible. This one won't get us accused of not-knowing our shots at least.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Some batsmen and their signature shots

It's another King Cricket series. Learning from our mistakes, this time we've altered the series in two key ways:

1: We're not doing it regularly, daily for example, because that would mean remembering stuff.
2: we're not limiting ourself to a nice round number, because we have to weigh things up then and decide what's deserving and what's not. We're not doing that.

Michael Vaughan's pull shot
Mike Atherton's back-foot drive on tiptoes
Alec Stewart's one-legged pull shot
Brian Lara's inside-out drive
Robin Smith's square-cut
Sachin Tendulkar's wrists of adamantium
Lance Klusener's on-drive
Ian Botham's hook
Saqibul Hasan's 'The Shovel'

Dwayne Smith bowls out India

Given a choice between India and the West Indies, we'd always go for India, but we'd like to see the Windies improve and they've got to do it against somebody. In that context we're pleased with Dwayne Smith's performance this morning. He took 4-31 as India were bowled out for 162. Sachin hit 65 and was probably only out because he was trying to eke out runs with the tail. Don't quote us on that though.

Dwayne Smith is best known for hitting a characteristically Caribbean century on his debut off 93 balls. We don't know why it was characteristically Caribbean. If he were Sri Lankan, it would no doubt have been characteristically Sri Lankan. Not characteristically English though. Never characteristically English. That would mean playing like Geoff Boycott, probably. Being English is always about being boring.

The English like gardening and tea and being sensible with money.

Actually, we do like those things.

Warwick Armstrong - like Inzy plus David Boon plus Freddie during his 'pie years'

In response to June and also because not a lot's going on today, here's a picture of Warwick Armstrong, the heaviest cricketer ever to play at Test level. He's mighty fat.

We all know the greatest batsmen and bowlers, but not a lot of us know the fattest bastards to play Test cricket. Warwick Armstrong played for Australia and was bizarrely nicknamed "The Big Ship". We'd have nicknamed him "The Fat Bastard". It's maybe not that clever ordinarily, but the inclusion of the definite article 'the' raises it to another level.

Let's all pay tribute to "The Fat Bastard" by eating crisps and gammon tonight. And maybe drinking some beer. We reckon that old Warwick was partial to the odd glass of rendered goose fat mixed with ethanol.

Mike Hussey - Ashes hero

We have seen the future and it features Mike Hussey's name with large numbers just to the right of it.

Mike Hussey hit 109 off 91 balls against the West Indies this morning. This guy's more than comfortable in international cricket and he's making up for lost time a la Darren Lehmann. If we were a betting sort of person - ie, one who actually has some money - we'd stick a whole pound on Mike Hussey to be top-scorer in the Ashes. As it is, it's not enough a sure-thing to warrant a whole pound. Ricky Ponting's pretty good, for one thing and Mike Hussey could get injured. Where would we be then? Crying outside Aldi because we don't have enough money to detach one of the trolleys - that's where.

Still no 'Hussey' jokes. We're holding firm.

A Kyle Hogg surprise

Kyle Hogg's been around the Lancashire first-team for a few seasons now. He originally showed quite a bit of promise, but he had a few injuries or something and he's been in and out of the team. With Saj Mahmood, James Anderson, Dominic Cork and Glenn Chapple around, not to mention Tom Smith, it can be hard to get into this side.

There are a number of young players who are similar to Kyle Hogg at Lancashire. Players who you're not sure whether batting or bowling is their strongest suit. Most of them have good sound Lancastrian names which are hard to differentiate between. We can remember Kyle Hogg's name, but we still sort of lump him in with these guys who only a play a few one-dayers and the odd county match; bat at eight and bowl a few overs.

We watched him yesterday though and he bowled really well. We checked out his profile on Cricinfo this morning and knock us out with a girder and paint us red, but if he isn't Sonny Ramadhin's grandson. That's 'the great Sonny Ramadhin' to you. Sonny Ramadhin was one of the West Indies' finest ever spinners. He bowled in tandem with his 'spin twin' Alf Valentine and could reputedly spin the ball both ways. We're going to say that he invented the doosra, the off-spinner's wrong 'un, then hopefully someone more knowledgeable can put us straight in the comments and we won't have to do any research.

And we thought that Kyle Hogg was just some nobody. Maybe we should check out the rest of the nobodies. You never know what you're missing.

We saw James Anderson

We went to watch Lancashire's Pro40 match against Glamorgan yesterday. It was a great victory for Lancashire, although the downside was that it was pretty much over as a contest after about four overs of Glamorgan's innings. Still, you can't complain if your team hammers someone, can you?

Dominic Cork set the tone of the match when he came in to bat at three. He's in form with the bat at the moment and he's still the kind of player who can have an impact that goes further than his own contribution. Nathan Astle outscored him, but it was Dominic Cork's presence that first got him going.

The biggest moment came when the teams were announced. There was one change to Lancashire's side and James Anderson was playing. James Anderson is loved without exception at Old Trafford and an actually quite decent crowd made sort of pleased murmuring sounds for a bit.

Later on, he came out to bowl and he immediately looked a class above anyone else, although maybe that's unfair on Kyle Hogg. Regardless, James Anderson didn't bowl a bad ball and if he wasn't 100%, he still seemed dangerous as he took a couple of wickets. He's not really one for emotions, but he celebrated quite noticeably when he took his first.

He'll probably be used to it by the Ashes and will barely crack a smile when he takes 10-12 in the first Test.

Fat Mark Cosgrove's part of Australia's plans

After making his one-day international debut against Bangladesh earlier in the year, Mark Cosgrove is still part of the Australian masterplan. And hurrah for that. Unfortunately, he was out for four against India today, but that's not the important thing. The important thing is that he's there, ploughing a lone fat furrow when all around him are thin.

Earlier in the season we were mulling over whether we should sign Cosgrove for the King Cricket XI and we've decided we will. It's not an actual XI. There are far more than 11 players, for one thing. They're just cricketers that we like, really. It sounds better if you sort of do a crickety thing with it though and make it an XI.

Ordinarily we'd use a picture of Mark Cosgrove in Australia gear, but this was too good an "international sportsman" photo to ignore.

Anwar Ali Khan video - Under-19 final

Apologies to those of you with slower internet connections, but this is quite interesting. It's Anwar Ali Khan, playing for Pakistan in the final of the Under-19 World Cup against India. As well as bowling three no-balls, he also took three wickets.



We've read quite a bit about both Anwar Ali Khan and his partner opening the bowling for Pakistan Under-19s, Jamshed Ahmed. By all accounts Jamshed Ahmed is the more refined of the two, with the ability to move the ball both ways, but watch this video - Anwar Ali Khan swings the ball an enormous amount. An ENORMOUS amount.

Jamshed Ahmed's a left-armer, by the way, so you've got a wily left-armer moving the ball both ways and a quick right-armer bowling prodigious inswingers. Sound familiar?

Here's a link, if the video doesn't play here for whatever reason.

It's this Mark Lawson character again

Who is this guy? He first came to our attention earlier in the season when every man and his limping donkey was checking out Adil Rashid against Middlesex. Mark Lawson's also a leg-spinner and got slightly better figures than Rashid on that occasion, taking 6-88.

He did the same today. We were monitoring Adil Rashid's performance (sounds quite grandiose - 'monitoring') as he followed up his 63 with 3-76 and who should get better figures? Lawson. Bloody Lawson. He took 4-42.

That 'bloody Lawson' bit was just us being colourful. We're pretty interested, to be honest. He's a leg-spinner and he seems to be effective. And he's 20. In common with much of the internet, we have a preoccupation with youth. It's just that we have this preoccupation in the sphere of cricket. Nowhere else.

That's a picture of a different Mark Lawson. He presents stuff on BBC2 that we don't even begin to understand. They always talk about 'juxtaposition of characters as a comment on alienation in our times' and stuff like that. We like programmes that have comment more along the lines of a slightly posh bloke going 'wowser' as the person on screen hits something with a piece of wood. Well, we do ever since we had to make do with Mark Nicholas instead of Richie Benaud anyway.

Here's a Late Review drinking game that we found.

James Anderson's Ashes

We never mentioned how delighted we are that James Anderson has been selected for the Ashes. We sometimes forget that some of you haven't read the whole site. James Anderson's mentioned relatively infrequently here at King Cricket and this is basically because we assume that you all know how we feel. But, of course, you don't.

We want James Anderson back in England's team as soon as humanly possible. The lad's magic.

England have selected a number of pace bowlers over the last couple of years, most of whom have shown promise. James Anderson didn't show promise when he was first picked for England. He just performed.

There was a one-day match against Australia in Adelaide during the last Ashes tour when the Australians couldn't get him off the square. It was 40 degrees and James Anderson bowled his 10 overs straight though. He went for 12 runs. This was back in the days when Australia crushed England without mercy. He was only 20 then.

Since then he's been mucked about, messed with, injured and moped around as twelfth man, but he's not gone away. And for anyone who says that he doesn't look where the ball's going after he's released it - so what? He can't do much with it once he's let go, can he?

England win Alternative Test Cricket World Championship bout

We only realised last week. England are now the Alternative Test Cricket World Champions. Pakistan were champions. England beat them in a Test series, so now England are champions. Let's all celebrate with a cup of tea and a bit of a read about cricket.

This also means that the Ashes is also an Alternative Test Cricket World Championship bout. It's okay to start talking about the Ashes now because, you know, there's only the Champions Trophy in between now and then.

Does the title Champions' Trophy imply that everyone's a champion. It's like being crap at sport at school again: Everyone's a winner. Even Fat Kid.

"Well played Fat Kid. Just how did you give yourself internal haemorraging during rounders, incidentally?"

This post looks bare. We need an Alternative Test Cricket World Championship emblem or something.

Sachin Tendulkar's got a bat in his hand and he's using it to score runs

We haven't started a post with a 'hurray' for a while and we've narrowly missed out on doing so today. Sachin's playing again. Everyone cheer. EVERYONE.

The other good news is that he's going okay: 57 not out in a one-dayer against the Windies, as we write. We really hope that classy Sachin Tendulkar is back. We hate reading about great players being written off and Sachin has definitely been on the decline. It makes you think about how you yourself are getting older.

Far better that Sachin comes back and says (with his bat): 'I just had a couple of injuries. I'm okay now. What's that you say? Loads of batsmen are better than me now? No they aren't - I'm the balls. Watch.' Then he breaks records that you didn't even know existed.

Sachin Tendulkar IS the balls. He's only 33. To paraphrase Kevin Keegan: Batsmen these days aren't born until they're 30. We'd like to be the first to herald The Second Age Of Tendulkar. We hope we're right.

Update: He's hit a hundred. Sachin Tendulkar is The Balls.

King Cricket's new look

Check it out. Swoon. Fall in love with King Cricket all over again. We've got a swanky new look.

Yes, we thought it was about time that we did something about our appearance. (Our appearance on the internet that is. In person, we're still as dishevelled as ever.) And by 'about time we did something', we of course mean 'about time we asked someone else to do something'.

Step forward Oblong Nads, for he is the creator. We're more than pleased with his work. Remember what happened the last time we got involved with anything technical?

Rob Key is in the Academy squad - but that's not all

Despite his relatively crap recent form, Rob Key has again been selected for England's winter Academy squad. No surprise there. Rob's always in the Academy squad. His home address is at the Academy (and we should know). However, there are two fantastic plus points to his selection. Firstly, we get to write about him ALL WINTER LONG. That's right. The thought that Rob is there will comfort us in the depths of winter. His rosy visage will light our seasonal affective disordered mind.

Secondly, he's in line for an Ashes spot. He's not officially a member of the party, but he's right there in Australia. As soon as someone gets injured or gets bored and goes home, Rob's there. He's in with a chance.

Rob actually played for England on the last Ashes tour. The Australians apparently thought quite a bit of him. Seasoned cricket journalists always cite instances where Australians 'rate' an English player. The subtext is that Australians know the secret of cricket, whereas we Brits don't. If they think someone's good, it means that their special 'good cricketer' sense has come into play.

It's not true. English people know a good cricketer when they see one. How else would we have selected such modern day masters as Jason Gallian, Darren Maddy and Chris Schofield?

Rob Key posts:

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Andy Flintoff is captain

Excuse our indifference, but we just don't know about captains. We thought that Michael Vaughan was a terrible choice at first. We thought that he'd be too soft after England had improved under the iron rule of Nasser Hussain. We were completely wrong. We weren't exactly devastated by this either.

Now Andy Flintoff's officially captain for the Ashes. He was captain last time he played too.

In some quarters this Flintoff or Strauss thing has been built up into a titanic struggle. The educated, cerebral southerner on one side, the emotional, boorish northerner on the other. Only it's not like that at all. Flintoff used to play chess for Lancashire and we dare say that Strauss likes the odd beer. They're not so dissimilar, but it makes for a bad story if you can't contrast their characters so much.

We're going to say that the selection of Flintoff as captain is a terrible decison. Not just logically wrong, but morally and socially too. We might even go so far as to say that it's racist. Only because we were wrong last time, you understand. If we really set ourself against him, he'll be a roaring success.

Who are we kidding? You can't set yourself against Fred. It's Fred! Everyone loves Fred.

Flintoff and Strauss will probably go out together tonight, get leathered and crack jokes about calculus and the Ottoman empire in some strip joint. Then they'll invent a car that runs on water, but drive home drunk. Complex men.

Cricket Life 2007 exclusive preview

It's only exclusive in the sense that no-one else is really interested. Exclusivity through default.

They're making a new cricket game. 'They' being the Canadians. We don't know why it's always Canadians who make cricket games. That could be where previous games have gone wrong. This one looks like a cracker though. We always think that and then waste loads of time on a rubbish cricket game. This one REALLY DOES look like a cracker though. Honestly.

The game is called Cricket Life 2007 as you can tell by the title of the post. This name 'Cricket Life' is the key. The game is all about a 'cricket life'. Essentially, YOU are a cricketer and you get to live a cricketer's life. How good does that sound? Now we don't need to worry about not having a job. We don't need a life of our own. We can lead a special cricketing life from the safety of our own home. Read about some of the game's features here.

It's only a matter of time before we're missing real cricket/job interviews because Cricket Life Us has got a big match on.

There are some more screenshots here. Actually there's only one.

More cricket games

Cricket Life 2007 features

Although we always go on about how we're unemployed, officially we're supposed to work as a video game reviewer. In practice this hasn't meant any actual reviewing for several months. We're not that bothered. It's the kind of work where they say: "Yeah, there's no problem paying you" and then don't pay you.

We figured that we'd do a big Cricket Life 2007 'special' and put it on our own site, rather than do any 'work' for them. We're still kind of hoping that they'll send us the review copy though. We'll probably never get round to asking for it and have to buy the thing when it comes out properly (probably just before the Ashes/Christmas if our marketing expertise proves correct).

Anyway - these features. As we said in our exclusive preview, you live the life of a cricketer. Here are the things you get to do in bullet-point form, even though bullet points always come out as flowers because we can't use our software properly:

• Choose whether to get married or not.
• Play tournaments and stuff.
• Become captain of your state (they probably have counties too).
• Play and then captain your country.
• Choose to retire. We don't know why this is a selling point.
• Go on vacation (this means 'go on holiday').
• Buy cars.
• Buy mansions.
• Invest in businesses.
• Give money to charity so that people think you're nice when really you're a bastard.
• Get sponsored (not like a sponsored swim - just using a particular bat).

They don't seem to mention much about how you actually play cricket. It's on the PC, so you probably do cerebral stuff and hope for the best rather than blindy hammering buttons and hoping for the best.

This 'being-just-one-player-and-not-a-whole-team' idea was one that we had a while back. It should at least ensure that the cricketing world remains believable. You might be rubbish, but at least all the players won't be rubbish like they often are in other games. That's what really gets on our nerves. How are we supposed to pretend that we're in the game if the game's so palpably unlike real life.

Continuing on that theme, maybe they should include a depression meter and make your character mope round the house without a contract.

Cricket Life 2007 screenshots

Look. They've sort of copied one of our Old Trafford photos.



Ours has got Glen Chapple on it though.

EA Cricket 2007

It's probably out before the Ashes/Christmas. It's probably ever so slightly better than its predecessor, which still isn't very good.

You can get EA Cricket 2007 here for PC or here for PS2

More cricket games

Why don't they make a Rob Smyth game?

Last night we dreamt that Guardian Unlimited cricket writer, Rob Smyth, had a game made about him. It was kind of like Sonic the Hedgehog.

We're probably one of the few people who think that cricket writers deserve to have games made about them. Some people don't see cricket writers as being deserving of such recognition. Other people don't think that having a game made about you counts as recognition. It does and cricket writers deserve it.

England win again thanks to Sajid Mahmood

See. This is the problem with 'catching up'. Now we've got two 'England win' posts on the same day. They're different matches though. On the plus side, England are actually on a winning streak. Two one-day games in a row. Anyone know when that last happened? It was quite possibly against Australia.

We're going to avoid listing all the England players who did 'quite well' like we did this morning. It didn't offer anything and it didn't read very well. Instead we'll concentrate on one player; the man of the match - Sajid Mahmood.

We're getting a bit sick of hearing about Sajid Mahmood going for runs when he bowls. Everyone's been going for runs, Sajid's been playing more than anyone and he's one of the newer bowlers, internationally speaking. He took 2-24 off ten overs today and that's not going for runs. Well, it is. It's going for 24 runs off ten overs, but in one-day terms, that's pretty darn good. Fortunately for Saj, England's selectors seem to be giving him a bit of a run in the side and he's starting to reward them now and again. As time passes, the days where he gets carted will be fewer and the days where he lords it over the batsmen will be more frequent.

He batted a bit too. We once saw him hit a half century - he can definitely swing a bat. Today he finished off England's run chase when they'd landed themselves in a bit of trouble. He hit 22.

It was a good match on which to finish the international summer. It was low-scoring but there was a period towards the end where the balance was tipping one way and then the other. We've been having a bit of balance trouble ourself, recently. We keep bouncing off walls with our shoulder when cornering. No idea what's going on there.

England's one-day win

We'd better write something at least, because it's so rare that we get a chance to use the words that make up this headline.

In truth, we should probably ease off the 'England are worse than Dorset' thing on this occasion, because it was actually a good win. But for Abdul Razzaq, Pakistan would have had no total at all. Jon Lewis did his thing yet again; Mike Yardy followed Jamie Dalrymple's economical lead and then went one better and put the number three in the wickets column; Andrew Strauss got the benefit of the doubt after a low catch/non-catch to Inzy and then made the most with 78; and Ian Bell did HIS thing again. Ian Bell's thing is to look kind of shaky for a while, but to keep ignoring it until it goes away. Once it's gone away, he opens his shoulders a bit. Not literally. That would be weird. And grotesque. And unnecessary. But remarkable.

It's only fair to point out that England won after batting under lights as well. When we were berating England after their loss in the previous match, we described choosing to bat under lights in England in September as "the equivalent of wearing shoes made of butter for a sprint". It's strange. It doesn't seem like it's that big a disadvantage now that England have won a game after batting under lights.

And yes, we do know that there's a subsequent one-day match going on as we review this one. We're just catching up.

The Pakistan one-day blueprint

Despite their recent win, which we still haven't written about, England are absolute garbage when it comes to one-day cricket. They definitely give the impression that they don't know what they're doing. They certainly don't know who they want doing it. We can help on the first count, but as for the staff - England would do well to find players of the standard contained within our example.

We always thought that Pakistan's one-day side of a few years back had the game pretty much sorted. They opened with Saeed Anwar and Shahid Afridi. Two batsmen on the combustible side. One unparalleled for sheer six-hitting destruction, the other a certified master, who might not reach quite the same level of wild, thrashing abandon, but who could maintain top gear for much longer.

Following them were some batsmen. Probably three of Ijaz Ahmed, Inzamam-ul-Haq, Younis Khan and the then Yousuf Youhana. They would play the ball around sensibly for twenty-five or thirty overs, keeping wickets in hand for the final onslaught. Then whoever was batting with Inzy would run him out and the fun would begin.

Batting at six, seven, eight and nine would be the assault team: Azhar Mahmood, Abdul Razzaq, Moin Khan (or maybe Rashid Latif, depending on the politics of the moment) and finally Wasim Akram. These guys would attempt to double Pakistan's score before the end of the innings. They'd attempt this continually, so they'd still be trying to double the score off the final ball of the innings. It's not possible, but they had a damn good go.

Bowling-wise, Wasim and Waqar would decapitate the opposition batting line-up. Then Azhar Mahmood and Abdul Razzaq would keep it tight for a bit, followed by Saqlain Mushtaq and Shahid Afridi. The style of bowling kept changing and the batsmen could never settle. Wickets might fall, or if they didn't, the run-rate would climb. Then when the batsmen thought they were getting set and preparing themselves for a final fling, the coup de grace: Wasim and Waqar would return. Pakistan would win.

Now all England need to do is find 11 players capable of putting this into practice. We reckon they've got one: Paul Collingwood in the middle-overs accumulating role. Maybe Chris Read, actually. He's got a bit of the Moin Khan about him.

Abdul Razzaq gets a mention

Abdul Razzaq has never been on King Cricket before. This seems quite unlikely. Abdul Razzaq plays for Pakistan for a start - a team who embody the art of veering from sublime to atrocious better than any, something that we at King Cricket hold dear and perhaps identify with. On top of that, Abdul Razzaq adopts that approach on a more personal level.

Abdul Razzaq's batting is a thing of wonder. Give him a bat in a Test match and he'll cower and block and produce pretty much nothing. Give him a bat in the closing overs of a one-dayer and suddenly he's Viv Richards. This is the Abul Razzaq who turned up in England's one-day win on Friday.

He hit 75 off 72 balls, but the last 45 came in 16 balls as he launched the bulk of his five fours and five sixes. Abdul Razzaq was a key part in the Pakistani one-day blueprint that we're going to write about in about thirty seconds time.

We're still not quite sure about Chris Schofield

Do we admire Chris Schofield's determination and work ethic? Do we write Chris Schofield off as a feckless no-mark? We still haven't decided and don't look like reaching any kind of conclusion before the end of the season.

Last week, Chris Schofield top-scored in Surrey's second innings with 95, batting at eight. It was a handy knock as Surrey finished nine wickets down at the close of the final day and only thirty runs short of victory on 470.

Schofield took 3-78 in Gloucestershire's first innings, but only 1-73 in the second. The jury's out.

If you had Chris Schofield's face, you'd want to excel at SOMETHING, wouldn't you?

2-1 down with one match to play

How are England in with even the slimmest chance of drawing this series? Haven't they lost about fifty matches on the trot?

We're not really updating properly today for two reasons: One, we were at a wedding yesterday (someone else's) and we're rough. Two, it's sunny.

Go on. Go and play outside. Or just read about cricket on paper instead of a screen, like we're doing.

What does that 'hair of the dog' remedy entail again?

King Cricket launches World Cup site

We've done a World Cup site. It's not finished yet, but there's every chance it never will be. We've been wondering when to officially launch it and decided that there was probably enough content to warrant people's attention now. We've covered eight of the Test-playing nations to differing degrees. Lord knows what we'll write about some of the smaller nations' players. Not a lot, we'll hazard.

It's really aimed at relatively new or fly-by-night cricket fans as a primer for the event. It tells you what you really need to know about the players. Not how good they are, necessarily, but what their 'thing' is. For example, Lasith Malinga’s ‘thing’ is that he slings the ball like a kid. If people want to find out about Lasith Malinga's record, they can go to Cricinfo. If they want to know the useful facts, they come to our site. Or rather, they don't, but they should do.

If there are any major problems or you've any idea how we should cover the event as a whole then please e-mail us. We'll take your points on board, agree with them and then probably never get round to doing anything with them.

Here's the site anyway: Cricket World Cup 2007

Here's a teaser to draw you in: We described Danish Kaneria's name as 'sounding like a Nordic aviary'. We're proud of that.

Saqibul Hasan in Bangladesh's Champions' Trophy squad

Saqibul Hasan is in Bangladesh's Champions' Trophy squad. He's a regular now.

We're sure that you're all singularly unimpressed by this, but little steps are steps nonetheless. He's just positioning himself to 'burst onto the international scene'. When Saqibul Hasan finally does 'burst onto the international scene', you'll all be a step ahead.

You'll be down in the pub with your mates talking about Saqibul Hasan and you'll be saying: "Of course I've been following Saqibul Hasan's progress for years. You may think that he's burst onto the international scene, but really it was just a series of small steps, of which this is only the latest."

That's what you'll be saying. That and: "Want a pint? We owe you," to us.

To which we will reply: "Yes. A pint of remorse and another of fawning devotion, please." At which point you'll think that we're an idiot and withdraw your kind offer.

Nick Compton tries to pull a fast one

'Nick Compton tries to pull a fast one'. No. That's ambiguous.

'Nick Compton tries to nick one past us'. No. Same reason.

'Nick Compton tries to score a hundred without our noticing'. That's what we're after. That's what the title should be.

Previously Nick Compton's managed this, but we're onto him now, the crafty sod. Today he made several schoolboy errors that ultimately cost him. Firstly, he hit a hundred when the second highest score from a Middlesex batsman was 34. Secondly, he carried his bat. He opened the batting and he was the not out batsman at the end. Maybe you have to face the first ball to carry your bat. Whatever. It was good enough for us.

We're definitely watching this lad, whether he likes it or not. If he doesn't like it, he better have a word with Rob Key. Our attention can get a WHOLE lot more serious. And weird.

Wasim Akram saves Lancashire in the B&H semi-final of 1995

This is how we remember it and considering that we didn't remember the match being played on our birthday, some of this could be inaccurate. We mean 'wrong' by inaccurate, incidentally.

The B&H Cup, for those who don't remember, was a domestic one-day knock-out. Lancashire got to the semi-final in 1995 where they played Worcestershire. Graeme Hick hit 109 before being bowled by Wasim Akram, who went on to clean-bowl two other batsmen. Worcestershire finished with 261-5 off their 55 overs. 55 overs? Don't ask.

In response, Lancashire lost regular wickets, falling to 129-5 and then 135-6. The great thing about Lancashire back then, though, was that they really did bat all the way down to number 11. Last man in that day would have been Glen Chapple, Lancashire's current number 6. He was a lot worse then, but still - he was capable.

Anyway, Worcestershire thought they were going to crush Lancashire, but Wasim Akram, accompanied by Ian "Fatty" Austin, Warren Hegg and then Galley Yates, hit 64 off, ooh, let's say twenty deliveries - possibly a coule more - and Lancashire won. Lancashire were invincible. Wasim was ace. We had a great birthday.

We tell this tale because we miss Lancashire's one-day side from back then. England's current one-day side is dreadful and we miss supporting a side who knew what they were doing. It helped having Wasim Akram, of course.

More personal problems for Marcus Trescothick

Yes. Marcus Trescothick's personal problems have once again reared their ugly heads and a world of internet-users will try to get to the bottom of the mystery. Well we've already revealed Marcus Trescothick's personal problems once before in this post. There's also an alternative suggestion in that post's comments which bears up to scrutiny.

Marcus is opting out of the Champions' Trophy at any rate. We suspect that in this instance Marcus Trescothick's personal reasons are that he thinks that the Champions' Trophy is a pain in the arse that comes before the Ashes.

Maybe his personal problems are that he's mucking about with golf like Paul Collingwood. No wonder your feet don't move when you play a cover drive, Marcus. Or maybe they do move when he plays golf. "No, Marcus. There's no need to get a good stride in when you're putting".

Jokes about batting/golf technique: What is this site coming to?

Younis Khan's second one-day international hundred

Younis Khan's 101 against England last night was, miraculously, only his second one-day international hundred. He actually averages less than Paul Collingwood who has also hit two hundreds. Not that Paul Collingwood's a bad player. We think rather a lot of him. It's just that Younis Khan's looked on as one third of a holy trinity with Inzy and Yousuf. He's a fantastic batsman, but he is flawed. He did a pretty good job mind. He made a bit of a balls of it by getting himself out, but at least he'd scored a hundred by then.

Younis Khan reckons he's 28. What do you think? We think he looks like a bit of a gnarl-dog for 28. Much like Abdul Razzaq who claims to be 26. 26! His kids are probably older.

Inzamam doesn't panic - Inzamam NEVER panics

...even when he's batting without a bat.

Inzy's innings last night showed one of his great strengths. Whether it's experience or just being blessed with the ability to keep things in perspective, Inzy doesn't panic. As wickets tumbled at the other end, Inzy just scythed his way to 44 off 33 balls and a Pakistan win. No problem.

He also fulfilled his hope of beating England with Pakistan batting second under lights. In England, in September, this is the equivalent of wearing shoes made of butter for a sprint. That Pakistan should have sidled home in a dressing gown, smoking a cigarette in a holder, only adds to England's humiliation. England will try and make out that they 'drew some positives' from this performance and there were some, but the overall effect will be to give them a massive inferiority complex. As if they didn't already have one.

Paul Collingwood reassures us

Paul Collingwood reassures us with his innings today and just generally. It's not that he phones up and tells us we're going to get another job, he just exudes calm and gives off a knowing-what-he's-doing vibe. Maybe it's an aroma. Who knows. It's there though. Make no mistake.

It was nothing that special today, 61 off 62 balls, but that's just the sort of thing that England's middle-order need in one-dayers. He's been a bit off for a while, so we're quite pleased. There were two other fifties in England's innings: Strauss's 50 off 46 balls and Jamie Dalrymple's 62 off 78 balls. Plus there was a handy 21 not out off 20 balls from Chris Read, which is exactly what he's supposed to be doing.

In truth, 271 isn't a staggering score. England should win by dint of Inzamam's decision to bat second under lights. You should never do that in England. Never. You remember playing on the school field after dark, don't you? They'll lose the ball. Anyway, England's score is almost cause for rejoicing in the current one-day context, but if this were a day-day match, they'd be done for. We can only think that Inzy was hoping to crush the last vestiges of English confidence by beating them with all the odds against Pakistan. He may yet succeed.

Graham Onions is a rank amateur when it comes to percentages

Graham Onions, talking about his call-up for England's one-day squad said: "I've been given an opportunity and want to give 110% to represent my country".

Firstly, you're already representing your country. You could give 0% effort and you'd still be representing England. Actually, he's not played yet. If he sat around drinking pina coladas and telling Duncan Fletcher where to go, he probably wouldn't get to represent his country.

Anyway, the main point is the giving of 110%. Now we're not one to comment on maximums for effort - if we get up to 11 or 12% we think we're doing well - but it's quite well established now that 100% is the most. It's all of your effort. Every last bit. We'll let him off the miscalculation because it's pretty much standard practice to say this in sport. It's exaggeration. It's okay. We're just sad that he's saying the same stuff as everyone else.

If we were Graham Onions' PR guy, we'd tell him to say this about his England call-up:

"England are bloody awful at one-day cricket. Frankly, they could call up Mr Spoon from Button Moon and be no worse off - and he's an actual spoon. As far as effort's concerned, I'm going to pace myself: No more than 40% effort at any one moment, but I'm going to sustain that level of effort throughout the entire match. Even when I'm down at fine-leg, or it's the drinks break".

By the way, although it seems a bit scandalous, we're probably not going to bother with any 'Onions' jokes. It seems like it's too easy, but actually thinking of a good one is really quite hard.

Nixon McLean does hats too

On the subject of hats - which for those of you not reading this on the main page, we were - we once saw Nixon McLean sporting two hats simultaneously, on a particularly windswept day at Old Trafford. At first glance he seemed to be wearing a sunhat, like normal. He was, but underneath he was also warming his scalp with a big woolly hat as well, the cold-headed, nesh pansy.

We should talk. On the first day of the season we wore two pairs of trousers. That's different though. We were watching. Nixon was knocking himself about a bit in the field. He should have been warm from all the square-leg exertion.

In the picture, both of Nixon's hats have blown off and he's chasing them screaming. Shortly after this was taken, Nixon pounced on the cameraman and wrestled his trilby off him.

Nixon McLean: He loves the hats.

Richie Richardson's hat

There's not a great deal you'd want to read about in the cricket world today. Normally something crickety comes to us anyway. Today we've been thinking about Richie Richardson's hat. You may think that we've been doing more than that today, but you'd be wrong.

Everyone looks much the same on a cricket pitch from a distance, particularly batsmen under their helmets. Richie Richardson was quite easy to spot. He didn't wear a helmet when he batted. He wore a massively wide-brimmed maroon hat. As we remember it, it was as wide as the waistband of David Boon's special comfy pants.

It wasn't quite so rare to see a batsman without a helmet back in the eighties (it's mandatory to wear a helmet now) but it still takes an obscene amount of bravery and no little skill. Richie Richardson must have been made entirely out of balls to hook Wasim and Waqar or whoever with only a layer of cotton between a 95mph cricket ball and problems working one half of your body. At least he didn't have to face Malcolm Marshall or Curtly Ambrose, although he probably did in the nets, so maybe he saw even more of their 'chin music' than anyone. Staggeringly brave/mental.

Richie Richardson averaged 44.39 in Tests. He hit nine of his sixteen hundreds against Australia. Any statistician will tell you that's a 'significant' percentage.

That's the best picture that we could find of Richie Richardson batting in his hat, by the way. There were some better ones at Cricinfo, but we don't steal things from them because we once cited their airtight legal warnings about image theft, describing them as 'airtight legal warnings about image theft'. It would be hard to plead ignorance after publishing that on the internet.

Jon Lewis does his normal sort of thing

Jon Lewis has taken a couple of early wickets as per usual. We're still fairly indifferent about Jon Lewis being as he doesn't fit our profile of a bowler worth liking. However, he does take heaps of wickets, sometimes for England, so maybe we should be less stuck in our ways. Matthew Hoggard's more successful overseas than he is in England and everyone would call him a typical English swing bowler. Maybe Jon Lewis would do the same.

Being 'stuck in your ways' is something that you get tagged with as you get older, whether you've done anything to deserve it or not. One time, back when we had a job, one of our colleagues who worked elsewhere had done something wrong. A girl we worked with asked how old this person was. They were 60. She immediately decided that they should retire on the grounds that they were 'past it' and 'stuck in their ways'. She'd never even met this person and hadn't even known their age. Idiocy.

It depends what your ways are, anyway. If you've got good ways, what's the problem with sticking to the formula. We're quite happy with our ways. We wouldn't get anywhere near as much tea if we changed our ways. Although we probably would earn a living. It's tricky. Okay, our ways are open to change. Suggestions welcome.

Doesn't Jon Lewis look like a woman in that picture, by the way? Is he wearing make-up? It is Jon Lewis, isn't it? Have we made a terrible mistake?

Mohammad Asif keeps it tighter than a mouse's ear

Once again Mohammad Asif is playing in a different age. He'll be off for a pint of full-fat milk and some woodbines after this match. That was what was considered a healthy diet back in the day. Maybe in the future we'll all be laughing at sportsfolk wolfing down plates of pasta and char-grilled vegetables.

We wonder what Rob Key eats. It's probably some sort of kryptonite-type thing manufactured from rendered pig fat. That or sandwiches.

Update: Our point was that Mohammad Asif bowled eight overs for 10 runs, by the way. We didn't really make that clear.

Chris Schofield played for Surrey

Chris Schofield - remember him? Of course you do. He played two Tests because he was a legspinner and then slid away. Well he's back. He played for Surrey last week. He even took three wickets in the second innings.

We get the impression that Chris Schofield was released from Lancashire due to an attitude problem. Not the in-your-face kind of attitude so beloved of professional footballers. Just the sort of indifferent attitude that doesn't get you anywhere in top-level sport. That's what Mike Atherton seemed to say once and he played with him.

On the other hand, he obviously has a bit of determination about him. In his early days with Lancashire he was a pretty ordinary tail-ender, but over a relatively short period of time he transformed himself into a decent number seven or a not-quite-up-to-standard number six, much like his then team mate Glen Chapple. Exactly the same as his then team mate Glen Chapple, in fact. As his batting improved, his bowling was used less and less and finally he was released.

We actually saw his last game for Lancashire. There was a fat, shirtless, sunburnt guy in the crowd who really liked him. Any time an opposition batsman hit a boundary, he would groan and shout: 'Come on. Get Schofield on', like he was some sort of saviour, rather than a bowling machine set to 'long hop'.

In actual fact, his words were: 'Come on. Get Stowfield on'. We're not sure whether this was a mistake or merely unusual pronunciation. He stuck with it, at any rate. He was one of a particular brand of Mancunians who pronounces 'Gary' as 'Galley' as well. As we found out when 'Galley Keedy' was bowling.

We're pretty unfeeling about cricketers who don't do all they can to succeed and we've always had the impression that Chris Schofield was of this ilk. On the other hand, we're a big believer that sometimes it takes people a while to work out what their aims are.

If Chris Schofield has decided that he wants to be a great cricketer and he does something about it, we'll be his biggest fan. If he's gone nowhere since his Lancashire days and shows no signs of doing so, he can go and work on NTL's helpdesk for all we care.

A second Mark Butcher hundred of the match

Hold onto your hats people. Mark Butcher's outscored Mark Ramprakash for the second innings in succession. He had to score two hundreds to do so, but that's the standard these days in the Surrey middle-order.

If you are hanging onto your hat, what style is it? We favour the deerstalker.

Answer to the ugly cricketer non-competition

Well the original post's slipped off the bottom of the page now, so we may as well give you the results. The winner was a tie between Brian who said it was Ian Botham and someone who e-mailed in to say that, bar the hair, it was like any number of Greek basketball players. Well done both of you, even though you were both wrong. At least you kept your guesses confined to famous people and sporting people at that.

Here's the picture again and the answers are below:



Hair: Ian Blackwell from back in the day - honestly. See here (Disclaimer: King Cricket can not be held responsible for the effects that the linked photograph may have).

Eyes etc: Rikki Clarke.

Nose: Sajid Mahmood.

Chin, mouth and neck: Rob Key.

Thanks again to ScottC. Sorry everyone's answers were so rubbish. We'll try and make it up to you by overlooking your use of Rob Key as an ingredient in an ugly picture.