Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif fail drugs tests

Off their mash on ecstacy pipes. That's the verdict. All whacked-up on goofballs.

There's nothing too specific being said at present. Both Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif have failed dope tests and are being sent home to Pakistan. It seems likely that if drugs were being used, it was to aid recovery from injury. The tests were carried out in September when both Shoaib and Asif were just returning to action.

Cricinfo have referred to comments made by former senior PCB medical staff which alluded to steroid use as part of Shoaib's recovery.

Some form of the full story will appear over the next few days. Currently the samples are being re-tested.

Abdul Razzaq three days ago

This is the problem with doing a news site and not being around to cover the news: Either you ignore the news and are run off the internet on a railroad for not keeping up or you cover the news and it's dated when you post it.

And if you're us and still persevering with free software because you're such a cheapskate, you probably won't be able to publish the old news anyway because the free software's nads.

Abdul Razzaq did Abdul Razzaq things again. People swooned. 4-50 and 38 off 24 balls.

You all know this already. Really we're only publishing this so that we can get annoyed when it says 'no post data found' or something and we can once again feel our heart beating, thus proving our continued existence.

Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif are banned

Tell you what: This is a real kick in the teeth for cricket fans. We're the ones getting a raw deal out of this.

Shoaib Akhtar has been banned for two years and that could be pretty much it for him. Never say never with Pakistani cricket, but he's getting on a bit. He's 31. Mohammad Asif has been banned for a year. They seem to be citing his naivity as a reason for the shorter ban.

We're not blaming the Pakistani Cricket Board for this. The players were guilty. The PCB had no choice. We're blaming Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif and those around them for depriving cricket of two of its finest bowlers.

Fast bowling's been going through something of a lean period over the last few years and Pakistan seemed to be one nation who were likely to redress the balance. Shoaib Akhtar had been showing much greater consistency and - ironically - greater maturity to boot. Mohammad Asif has been one of the bowling finds of recent times. In a world of ageing stars, he was a younger bowler who looked the part.

The stupid thing is that cricket's not a game that can get massively affected by doping, so it was clearly avoidable. We're livid.

Shahid Afridi is dropped

Pakistan have obviously been forced into some changes with their strike bowlers all being banned. They've also made a couple of unforced changes to their Test squad for the upcoming series against the Windies.

First and foremost, Shahid Afridi's been dropped. This is pretty much unforgivable from an impartial point of view, but really you can't blame them one bit. Omar Haq provided a water-tight case in favour of dropping him a couple of weeks ago. We sympathise entirely while simultaneously wishing he was playing.

Pakistan have also dropped Mohammad Sami and Rana Naved-ul-Hasan. We can understand the dropping of Sami, a gifted bowler whose confidence is subterranean, but Rana Naved-ul-Hasan's omission is puzzling to say the least.

The replacements include a slow left-armer called Abdur Rehman, who we've never heard of and Samiullah Niazi, who we love, despite never having seen him play, on the grounds that he's a left-armer and Pakistani - like Wasim Akram.

Finally, just to confirm that our cat will continue with the name Afridi, despite this setback.

India wrap up one-day series

India today clinched the one-day series against Pakistan after winning the fourth match by five wickets. The most important contribution came from Rudra Pratap Singh, who took four Pakistani wickets for only 40 runs.

R P Singh joins a growing list of cack-handed Indian pace bowlers. For non-British readers, cack-handedness is the harrowing genetic flaw where a person has a preference for using their left hand.

Fellow favourers of the inferior arm in India's pace bowling legion are Zaheer Khan, Ashish Nehra and Irfan Pathan. Pathan is so good it doesn't bear thinking about what he could achieve if he bowled properly using his right arm.

Umar Gul 'steps up'

With the vast majority of Pakistan's strike bowlers banned and the remainder out of favour, it was essential that someone 'step up' during the Test series against West Indies. Umar Gul took 5-65 today as West Indies were bowled out for just 206.

'Stepping up' is a brand of 'putting your hand up', we're led to believe. Essentially it involves 'performing well'. It usually involves making an extra special effort because somebody else isn't playing. Players rarely 'step up' when they're not needed, for some reason. You can only 'step up' when circumstances permit.

Umar Gul was sort of solid during the tour of England this summer. He's been around a while, but he was very much third-choice seamer, at best. In order to get his chance as the Pakistan attack's focal point, he needed a break. Fortunately for him Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif 'stepped up' while Mohammad Sami and Rana Naved-ul-Hasan 'stepped down'.

Shahid Nazir also 'stepped up', taking 3-42, but he didn't 'step up' quite as high as Umar Gul. Maybe he can put in an extra step during West Indies' second innings.

Obdurate Brian Lara shows the way

The West Indies have been rolled over again. King Cricket, Brian Lara, was just about the only batsman showing signs of resistance with 61. Nothing new?

We don't think that the Windies are going to crumble, as you might expect. It might look a familiar scenario for West Indies fans, but we genuinely believe that this side is becoming more competitive. We don't mean that in the way that most people mean it - likely to get beaten by a narrower margin than before. We mean that these players want to compete. They fight. They don't give up.

Mostly these signs have manifested themselves in one-day internationals, but the attitude can't be exclusive to that format. This is a side of increasing belief and resilience. We're putting money (imaginary money, as ever) on a fightback...

Mohammad Yousuf's on our side

Mohammad Yousuf hit an unbeaten hundred against the West Indies and then said that he thought the pitch was too flat and that pitches the world over are too flat. He's spot on. And that's coming from a batsman. Imagine how a bowler feels. Imagine how a rubbish bowler feels. Imagine how Jason Gillespie feels.

Mohammad Yousuf's performance did of course make a mockery of our assertion that the Windies are a side of increasing resilience. They conceded 265-4, rather than bowling out Pakistan in a display of determined defiance. We'll forgive Mohammad Yousuf because he agrees with us about the pitches.

Mohammad Yousuf loves the big hundreds

Seemingly unfazed by the flat pitch that so offended him, Mohammad Yousuf ploughed on and made 192, which, coincidentally, was exactly how many he made in the Test before last. The guy's immense, flat pitch or otherwise.

The West Indies' big comeback in this match is a long time coming. They're 74-3 in their second innings - still one million runs adrift of Pakistan.

Jerome Taylor brings delayed riposte

We wrongly predicted a stunning West Indies fightback in the first Test against Pakistan. It turns out that they were just biding their time until the second Test.

At 212-2 and even 315-5, Pakistan looked well-set for one of their traditionally humungous first innings totals, as is their wont at home. Thanks to Jerome Taylor they collapsed to 357 all out. He finished with 5-91. We still haven't seen him live, but he's quick and he takes wickets, so we can't see any problems. We've previously included a video of the hat-trick he took during the Champions' Trophy.

After that, the West Indian openers made the most of the momentum by reaching 151-0 at the close of play. You see: Bowling's always the key.

We're making a conscious effort to not ignore the whole of the rest of the cricketing world while the Ashes are on. You're with us, right?

Mohammad Yousuf DOESN'T hit 192

It's a miracle. Mohammad Yousuf batted. He scored runs. Yet he DIDN'T make 192. It's some kind of miracle. He only made 191. Consequently, Pakistan drew with the West Indies.

In his last four matches, Yousuf can now boast two 192s and 191. He really needs to start converting some of these big hundreds into doubles.

Shameful batting.

Mohammad Yousuf suffers inexplicable loss of form

It was bound to happen sooner or later. No man can maintain such a standard of batting indefinitely. Not even Don Bradman. Mohammad Yousuf lost his wicket for just 102 today.

To put that in context, 102 was only narrowly more than double the next highest score by a Pakistani batsman. As he trudged off disconsolately, it was impossible not to feel for him: A deity reduced to a mere demigod.

Mohammad Yousuf earns the ultimate accolade

We were starting to get a bit worried about Mohammad Yousuf's run of form. There comes a point where a cricketer has performed so exceptionally, for so long, that there's nothing left to say. At this point it's hard to muster the superlatives to laud them as they deserve. What do you do?

You issue them with a Transformer, if you're us.

Yes, Mohammad Yousuf is so richly deserving that we're imploring the ICC or the PCB or any other cricketing acronym, to present him with Scourge (pictured). Look at him. Look at Scourge. What a smashing Transformer. You've really got to be going some to be deserving of Scourge. What an honour.

Mohammad Yousuf, having hit YET ANOTHER hundred today, has now scored more Test runs in a calendar year than anyone... Ever. Well done, that man. His nine Test centuries this year are also a record.

Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif have their bans overturned

Now this is a bit ridiculous. Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif have had their bans overturned. It's seemingly on the grounds that nobody told them not to take various supplements that turned out to be illegal. Never mind ignorance being no defence in the eyes of the law - that's all their defence was.

We've sympathy with Mohammad Asif who had apparently never been given any sort of guidance as to what substances were legal and illegal (although surely any professional sportsman must treat many products with suspicion). Shoaib Akhtar, however, seems pretty clued-up. We'd be surprised if he wasn't aware of any wrongdoing.

Have you seen how burly Shoaib Akhtar is these days? He used to be really slight and wiry.

Inzamam stands firm

Tell you who wouldn't have buckled like a belt during Australia's final day assault at Adelaide: Inzamam-ul-Haq. There's a man who doesn't panic under pressure. 'Why panic,' he asks, 'when I could just stand here and hit cricket balls for a bit?'

Whether it's supreme mental conditioning or just the fact that he can't be bothered expending the energy, Inzamam-ul-Haq never flaps. Today Pakistan bowled out the Windies for 151 and then did their utmost to make a game of it when they batted themselves. They lost eight wickets, but Inzy saw them home with 42 not out.

When the Martians come to get us, we hope that Inzy's the King of the world. We need someone in power who'll treat the whole thing as a non-event.

Mohammad Asif shows us what we were missing

We know that there was that whole drugs thing and it's all a bit controversial and that, but we're really glad Mohammad Asif's back. Why? Because he's a great bowler and more than that, he's a great YOUNG bowler. There aren't too many of those and frankly someone needs to keep the world's batsmen in check.

Mohammad Asif kept South Africa in check where all the rest of his bowling team mates resolutely failed. At the close of play, Mohammad Asif had taken 4-58. South Africa are 254-4.

He's a man alone - much like ourself. Only Mohammad Asif is a great bowler alone amongst relatively ordinary bowlers. We're just alone in a small room because no-one else is around at the minute. It still counts though.

Kamran Akmal gets Pakistan home

'Home' being 'a win'. We're not quite sure why we're focusing on Kamran Akmal. Possibly because he's not been having the best time of it. He had a great start to his Test career at a time when just about every international side seemed to be weighed down by wicketkeeper-batsmen, then he really tailed off.

Today he hit 57 not out, alongside Younis Khan, 67 not out, as Pakistan reached their target of 191 with the tail-enders waiting in the wings. Hopefully Kamran Akmal will regain some confidence from this and get a few more runs. We hate to see a player underperforming. What about Matthew Hayden, you say? Well he only overperforms. When you think he's underperforming, that's actually how he SHOULD be.

Shahid Afridi v Sri Lanka, 100 off 37 balls - 10 Great Innings

Name: Shahid Afridi
Age: 16
Occupation: Cricketer
International innings: None
Interests: Hitting the fastest ever international hundred

That was the warning that we got. Not so much as a 'good morning'.

It wasn't his debut. He'd played once, but he wasn't called upon to bat. In his first international innings, Shahid Afridi hit the fastest ever international hundred. It was against Sri Lanka. He hit 11 sixes.

We think it was the former Lancashire opening bowler, Peter Martin, who best descibed Shahid Afridi's batting, in the wake of the most anticlimactic run-chase in living memory. Lancashire had managed a respectable 190-9 on a difficult pitch in the C&G Trophy semi-final. Their opponents were a Shahid Afridi-enriched Leicestershire.

Afridi opened the batting and hit 95 off 58 balls. Then he was out. We'd anticipated a tense climax, instead we were left watching Vince Wells and Ben Smith attempting to score 30 runs in as many overs. Anyway: Peter Martin.

Peter Martin said that he bowled one ball to Afridi that he was especially proud of during that match. It swung a little, pitched on off-stump and then seamed away alarmingly. It would have been impossible for most cricketers to lay bat on it. Shahid Afridi pivoted, adjusted for the seam movement and deposited the ball over midwicket for six.

10 Great Innings

We may get Shahid Afridi yet

As in the previous one-dayer between South Africa and Pakistan, the team batting first made a ludicrous total and the team batting second never got close.

This time, however, Pakistan batted first and they made 351-4. Younis Khan made 93, Mohammad Yousuf - who, of late, has more runs to his name than he has cells in his body - made 101 not out.

At this point, the opposition captain wouldn't want Shahid Afridi wandering to the crease on an 'on' day. Unfortunately for Graeme Smith, this is exactly what happened. Afridi hit 77 off 35 balls, including six sixes.

We sympathise with Omar as a Pakistan supporter. You never know what you're getting with Afridi and too often you get nothing. However, we're not a Pakistan supporter. We're a Pakistan admirer. Part of the allure is the unexpected and more than anything the potential for outright mayhem.

There is, quite literally, no batsman we would rather watch than Shahid Afridi. A six or the fall of his wicket never seems more than a ball whatever the match situation. He'd been dropped from Pakistan's side recently, but thanks to the odd injury, he's been given an opportunity. We dearly hope that he makes it to the World Cup. It would be a poorer tournament for his absence.

He aided his cause with 3-25 as well, as South Africa were all out for 210.

Our Shahid Afridi shame

An anonymous comment:

"FYI, somewhere while you were taking the mickey from Key, you missed Afridi going batshit crazy against SL in the 1st ODI."

We did as well.

Shahid Afridi hit 73 off - count 'em - 34 balls. Malinga Bandara had a particularly poor time, going for 32 off one over. In the words of Osman Samiuddin at Cricinfo:

"Between the straight boundary and point, Afridi scythed, drove, slapped and miscued two fours and four successive sixes, in the process bringing up his fifty off 22 balls."

That was only Afridi's sixth quickest fifty. Normal standards don't really apply.

We apologise for our almost wilful neglect in missing this news. As penance, we'll be skipping our 11.30am cup of tea.

However, we would like to take issue with the idea that we were taking the mickey out of Rob Key. We weren't. We were lauding him. Later today, we're going to laud him once again by publishing another beautiful picture.