Hashim Amla

As we write, Hashim Amla is, dare we say it, closing in on a century. Superstitious South Africans can contact us by e-mail if we've knackered it up for him by saying that.

You might expect us to write about how Hashim Amla has an important ambassadorial role to play as a South African Muslim of Indian descent; how he may be able to more subtly transmit the Republic of South Africa's overt message of racial equality; how he might one day be able to communicate that message to a proportion of the population who are still resistant to the idea, having been immersed in the apartheid system during their formative years; how his actions may speak louder than a thousand well-meant words.

Regular readers will know that we're just going to talk about his smashing beard.

Very regular readers - those who've gone and read every word we've written on King Cricket - will know that we're going to go on and on and on about his smashing beard.

Facial furniture is very much on the wane in international cricket. Allan Border's Australia had Border himself, David Boon and Merv Hughes with first-rate moustaches. More recently, India have had a number of classic moustaches on the faces of Javagal Srinath, Anil Kumble and Saurav Ganguly. Sadly, neither team, nor any other in world cricket can really offer much these days.

Hashim Amla: Standard bearer in so many ways.

James Franklin - a most unwelcome hundred

We get a lot of visitors who have searched 'James Franklin'. This baffles us. We try and imagine that we're from New Zealand and who our heroes would be and they're never James Franklin.

James Franklin hit his first Test century against South Africa a day or so ago. Eagle-eyed readers (Totally inappropriate. Eagles detect movement from great height. They don't pick out details from passages of text.) will have noticed that we're a bit late on this and that we don't update so frequently at the weekends. This is because our computer is a malicious dictator and we can only do what it lets us do. In fact we'd better not criticise it in case it punishes us further.

Ordinarily we'd be at least pleased, possibly delighted or at worst ambivalent about James Franklin's achievement, but frankly this has come too hot on the heels of Jason Gillespie's double hundred against Bangladesh. Where will the tail-end madness end? You might say that we can't blame a batsman for trying to score runs. Well, we can and we will.

Is it pushing it to say that this makes our first Test predictions weirdly prescient. Kallis is batting for a draw at least. Not sure if this quite qualifies James Franklin as New Zealand's latest medium-pace all-rounder though.

Double hundred for Stephen Fleming

There's been a bit of a county feel to this site recently and that's no good. We think of ourself as being international. We're not, but we like to think that we are. So here goes.

Elsewhere in the world, man from New Zealand, Stephen Fleming, has reached 203 not out against eleven South Africans in an INTERNATIONAL match. We're slightly concerned about the damage to South African man, Makhaya Ntini's figures, but with 4-106, he's not in bad shape. Ntini's the most consistent quick bowler in the world at the moment and we're hoping that he carries the torch for fast-bowlers by showing the WORLD'S batsmen what an easy time they've had over the last few years. For more information about our feelings regarding the decline in fast-bowling, read the whole of this website. We can't really remember where we've written stuff before and we certainly can' t be bothered searching for it.

Amazingly, this is only Fleming's ninth century in his 101st Test. He's got a decent average - 38.75 before this game. Maybe this will herald a rich vein of form for the guy. Maybe it won't. We don't really have strong opinions on this topic. We probably shouldn't have included this last paragraph, but there you go.

We have a girlfriend and she once said that she liked Stephen Fleming. We remember this, even though she's doubtless forgotten or changed her mind. In any case we've included a picture where you can see his naked shoulders just for her benefit. It's probably not a particularly 'nice' picture. We don't know. We don't fancy Stephen Fleming.

This is why we're not as international as we like to think. We've tried to appeal to the whole world and ended up writing solely for someone we live with.

Strike one for King Cricket's Ones To Watch

That didn't take long. Andy Wilson in the Guardian says that Tom Smith is 'already highly rated by England'. He's not going so far as to say that he's highly rated by Andy Wilson though, is he? Eh..? Eh..? Andy..? What do YOU think about Tom Smith..?

We think he's ace.

Tom Smith can bowl - ask Durham

Mystery man Tom Smith's not had a bad game yet. He's taken 4-68 so far in Durham's first innings. We still haven't come across any journalists who've mentioned him as a 'promising potential future England hopeful, maybe,' or anything else similarly definitive. If you do find an allusion to his being a potential full England international, please let us know.

See if you can find confirmation that he isn't medium-pace as well. After seeing him on the first day of the season, we would say that he was 'brisk'. We actually thought that he was quicker than that, but we don't want to go overboard in case it makes us look like a rank amateur.

Glen Chapple and Mal Loye - commending Lancashire's under-appreciated

A quick note about two of Lancashire's players who are neither young nor up-and-coming. Glen Chapple hit 82 off 73 balls, which is a typically impatient Glen Chapple innings. About five or six years ago, Glen Chapple batted at number 10. He had a couple of good innings and has since inked himself in as their number six instead. We actually think that he's not quite good enough to be a number six. He's a seven in our book and Lancashire's batting looks lightweight with him a place higher, but still, he deserves a lot of respect for making such a leap from being a tail-ender to a recognised batsman.

Secondly, Mal Loye's Lancashire's best batsman. We'd like to go on record as saying that. He's too old for England, but he deserves two sentences in a totally non-influential blog. He's head and shoulders above most of Lancashire's top six and we now rate him a better batsman than Stuart Law, who seems to be on the wane a bit. We could be wrong.

This has been totally self-indulgent. There's barely anybody interested in Lancashire's batting in Lancashire, let alone on the whole of the internet. We've got it off our chest now though. We can go back to writing about Rob Key again.

Ones To Watch bulletin

That was quite stupid of us. We loaded this onto the wrong site. Maybe this is why we're scratching a living in the underworld rather than dropping bags of gold on people from our magic balloon.

Mixed fortunes for our Ones To Watch. Rob Key has again failed, lbw for 4, but Sajid Mahmood has been allowed to open the bowling for Lancashire. This is quite something. Saj usually comes on after about sixty overs or something. That's what it feels like, anyway. Glen Chapple and Dominic Cork are usually entrusted with the new ball, so this could be a turning point in his Lancashire struggles. Heaps of wickets await.

With this and Afridi's change of heart, we're almost buoyant enough to get through our working day without a huge, heartfelt sigh every time we're forced to answer the phone.

(Update - it turns out that Dominic Cork's twisted his ankle or something. Still, it gives Saj an opportunity.)

England to play Champions Trophy matches in Jaipur

England are set to play India and Australia in Jaipur in the opening phase of the Champions Trophy in October. They will also play one match against one of two qualifiers in Ahmedabad.

When we were in Jaipur we ended up spending most of our time with a "diamond merchant". He delighted in telling us all of his problems with the English. Specifically, how private we are and how unsociable. Maybe all of the English people you've ever met have been unsociable because you spend the whole time slagging them off, Mr Diamond Merchant. It's no fun being with you. No fun at all.

Those who know us well will be aware of our love of all things of the genre, 'world's biggest...' Jaipur is the home of the world's biggest sundial, pictured.

Shahid Afridi DOESN'T take a break from Tests

Hurray. Break out the bunting. Crack open the cheap imitation champagne. Take two drags of a cigar and then throw up. Organise an open-top bus tour of your friends' houses. Shahid Afridi's changed his mind. He's not taking a break from Tests.

We're going to be basking in this good news all day. Right up until the point where our boss walks in and asks what we're doing. We tell him that we're 'basking in the great news about Shahid Afridi' and then he threatens to break our kneecaps. He always does that. It's done affectionately though.

Holy Crap: Andy Flower

Who's the best wicketkeeper-batsman of modern times? Well it's Adam Gilchrist isn't it? The dashing Australian number seven has rescued Australian innings on numerous occasions and driven home advantages even more frequently. He has scored 5,124 Test runs at 48.79 with 16 centuries. Plus, there's his contribution to Warne's bowling. See if you can managed to drawl, 'baaaaaahled Warner' throughout an entire working day. Go on. Do it. Everyone's looking at you, aren't they? It takes great mental resilience to stand up to that kind of social pressure. Gilchrist does it on TV, you big coward. So there it is: Gilchrist's the best.

Well what about Andy Flower? The former Zimbabwe captain's average exceeds Gilchrist's. Over his Test career Andy Flower hit 4,794 runs at 51.54 with 12 centuries. That average alone puts him up with the greats, but Flower played for Zimbabwe, crappest of all the Test nations. Only two other Zimbabweans have ever averaged over forty - Dave Houghton and Murray Goodwin. The pressure was on Flower to produce every time he batted and this after long stints behind the stumps while Zimbabwe's bowlers kidded themselves that they could ever get the opposition out. Plus he had the responsibility of captaincy for much of the time. We're surprised that he didn't fill in time between overs learning to moonwalk or building some sort of spacecraft. Take a break, Andy.

There's a lot of respect for Flower within the game, but he deserves more. So it is that we say:

Holy Crap! Andy Flower's one of the all-time greats!

King Cricket made captain

King Cricket himself, Brian Lara, has been, er, crowned West Indies captain for the third time. While we obviously think more of Brian Lara than our own elbows (and if you don't think much of your elbows, imagine the big unwieldy, rigid rods of arm you'd have without them) we're not sure about his captaincy.

Brian Lara as batsman is a force of nature, scything through everything in his path. Brian Lara as captain is hesitant, laboured and if we're honest, a touch moody. Why Ramnaresh Sarwan wasn't made captain, we don't know. He must have rejected the idea for some reason. Probably because the West Indies needs more than just a strong captain at the moment. All the same, a near 37-year-old in his third stint in the job wouldn't be everyone's first choice, even if he is a king.

Australian man, Andrew Symonds of Australia leads Australia to victory

103 not out from Australian man, Andrew Symonds of Australia was enough to consign Bangladesh to defeat in the second one-dayer.

Symonds was a decent overseas player for Lancashire last year. We're not so sure about Brad Hodge. He's great and all, but he's no Wasim Akram or Murali. Besides, half the batsmen in the county championship are Aussies. Pick a name you don't recognise. Is it some young up-and-coming Englishman? No. It's another Aussie. At least Symonds is a bit of an entertainer.

Rob Key to captain England A against Sri Lanka

Way back in January we worried that King Cricket would eventually become a series of posts about Shahid Afridi hitting a quick forty-odd. Now we're worried that it's going to be reduced to a big Rob Key love-in.

Rob Key was named captain of the England A team to play Sri Lanka. Fellow One To Watch Sajid Mahmood will also play. If this truly is an England version of the A-Team, then that means Rob Key's Hannibal. We don't really know what that means.

We're glad that the ECB have finally started scheduling A team matches against touring sides. Other nations do it all the time. It's a great place to test out young players and it can also put the touring side on the back foot and shake their confidence if the A team wins.

Rob Key posts:
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Ones To Watch: Tom Smith, Lancashire

Is this your website? Do you make the rules? No. It's ours and we say that we can still squeeze in another One To Watch, even though the season's already started. Besides, this one's based on our own first-hand judgement during the first day of the season.

Everywhere we can find a mention of him, Tom Smith's described as medium-pace, but we thought he looked quite quick. We could be wrong. He's lauded for his batting on the ECB website, which is encouraging, although his bowling isn't mentioned at all.

Essentially, we don't know a great deal about him at all. We just wanted to be first off the mark in tipping a player for success. Our grounds for this are that he looked good when we saw him and then his taking 3-8 off eight overs against Leicestershire today, in the C&G Trophy. We think that's plenty to go off and we stand by his addition to the Ones To Watch pantheon. And yes, we know it's not strictly speaking a pantheon, but we've not had much to eat today, we're a bit short-tempered and frankly, we're feeling antagonistic towards our own readership - such as it is.

God. This reads terribly. We really shouldn't post anything on days like today.

C&G Trophy round-up

Miraculously, the Somerset v Kent match has made us both angry and amazed. Marcus Trescothick reassured England fans throughout the land by larruping 158 off only 132 balls. Unfortunately, it was at the expense of a Kent side who, thus far, are flirting with the word 'hapless' under the leadership of King Cricket muse/dumpling, Rob Key. Rob further ruined our day by scoring only 11. An England call does not look to be in the offing.

Elsewhere, Jon Lewis continued to make us ponder whether he's in magnificent form or whether he's of magnificent class by taking 4-14 against Middlesex. We reckon he's a decidedly good county bowler in great form. We aren't backing him for international duty unless there's some huge crisis. In the interests of efficiency we'll link to the previous post commenting on a good Jon Lewis performance, but if we're honest, it's not worth reading. Masochists click here.

A Rob Key progress report

So how's our guy's first match as Kent captain? Er, it's rubbish. First of all Kent concede 575 and then he's out for 23 and 1 in each innings.

He's lost weight, apparently. Clearly, Rob Key's batting skill was all in his belly. Eat Rob, eat. It's the only way. Regain your stamina through consuming boiled-down pigs' trotters. Recapture your immaculate cover-driving by imbibing gargantuan quantities of fondue.

To make us feel better maybe some of you could add some Rob Key songs to this post.

Rob Key posts:
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The EA Cricket 2005 saga

In no way is it a saga. Who'd have thought that three of our favourite links would be about a game which we didn't even end up playing that much. Here's a brief review of the game to suit the irritable, impatient internet generation:

Bowling: Easier than hating Matthew Hayden
Batting: Harder than Steve Waugh encased in adamantium

Actually, that's a bit unfair and simplistic, but we spend enough time writing balanced computer game reviews for someone else, so we're not going to start doing it here where no-one's interested anyway.

Readers who are interested in what our hands and trousers look like, head straight for the third and final post:

The waiting is over
Last of our free time frittered away
EA Cricket 2005 update

You can buy EA Cricket 2005 here, if you so desire.

More cricket games

Great Cricketers We Have Known

Pretty self-explanatory this one. These are great cricketers we have known. Hope you're all impressed by how we've explained the title using the exact same words in the exact same order.

World Cup winner, Andy Bichel
Paul Allott
Ehsan Mani

King Cricket's tips for the future

The list of Royal Posts on the left is starting to look more congested than 2001's Kumbh Mela in Allahabad. (See, we don't just go on about Transformers and fat cricketers. We're well-read.) We've decided to consolidate some of the more obvious themes.

We've decided to start with the tips section. We'll add names to this post each time we tip someone.

Dheeraj Jadhav
Saqibul Hasan
Andy Solomons
Adil Rashid

A good day for Jon Lewis

Is it fair to call Jon Lewis a 'forgotten man'? We're not sure. He doesn't seem to get mentioned all that much these days, but he's one of county cricket's most consistent performers. Perhaps it's his age. He's 30 now.

He ruined Marcus Trescothick's comeback match trapping him lbw for 11 (why is it always a 'trap'?) on his way to 7-38 in Somerset's first innings. Gloucestershire enforced the follow-on and he's got 2-13 in the second innings.

Gloucestershire reached 437 in their first innings. Bad bowling? A fast deteriorating pitch? We don't know. We haven't seen any coverage, but Lewis' figures are far better than anyone else in the match.

Sophia Gardens gets Ashes Test

Glamorgan's Sophia Gardens in Cardiff has been awarded one of the 2009 Ashes Tests. Many people are emphasising how this is great for Wales and Welsh cricket and all that. Balls to that.

Sophia Gardens is getting an Ashes Test at the expense of neglected, decrepit Old Trafford - OUR ground. This means that we'll have to go into Yorkshire or somewhere to see an Ashes match. Mancunians aren't welcome in Yorkshire. We wear different style flat caps and have different flattened vowel sounds. It's an entirely different culture.

Come on. Everyone aim a big silent boo at the ECB. A silent boo is exactly the same as an ordinary boo, but you don't make any sound - self-explanatory really. It's the greatest weapon in the critic's armoury.

That's a picture of Old Trafford. It'll probably get a Zimbabwe match. We can't think of anything worse than that. We'll still go, but we'll be silent booing our way through the whole day.

Irfan Pathan: 'Tidy'

Irfan Pathan's really good. That's our opinion. We think he's India's best new-ball bowler in a long while and the fact that he can bat gives the team a whole new dimension. With spin being their strength, India are sometimes short of pace bowling when they're away from home, but with Pathan and Dhoni, the batting has more depth and they can pick five bowlers: Three seamers and two spinners.

What surprises us is the occasional indifference to Pathan that we find in some Indian coverage of the team. He's sometimes depicted as a bits and pieces kind of a bowler, but he averages 30.43 in Tests and has even managed a first over hat trick. If that's not strike bowling, what is? India's other pace bowlers are the likes of Zaheer Khan, who averages 36.34 in Tests and Ajit Agarkar who averages 47.32.

Maybe it's our English tendency to somehow look on Test cricket as a more accurate depiction of a player's worth. Maybe it's these writers' own preferences for bowlers from their own states. Somebody tell us that we're not being naive in overlooking the fact that Pathan's a muslim.

Whatever it might be, Indian fans should recognise that with Pathan being only 21, the India side is going to be built around him for the next ten years. The new Kapil Dev, you say? We wouldn't dream of jumping on that bandwagon. That would be like calling Flintoff the new Botham and that's something that we're NEVER GOING TO DO. They're different people. How hard is it to grasp that?

The 'tidy' part of the header, incidentally, is because it's the most accurate adjective that we could muster. He's not 'great' yet, but he's better than 'good'. Maybe we should steer clear of using British slang in posts that will only be of interest to Indian readers. Nah. Pathan's tidy. Tell your friends.

India v Pakistan, second one-dayer

India v Pakistan or Pakistan v India? The matches are taking place in Abu Dhabi, so we're not sure. We've gone alphabetically.

In the first match, India were all out for only 197 and Pakistan overhauled that with few alarms. In this match, India posted 269-5 and it was Pakistan's turn to crumble. They were eventually all out for 218, despite a masterful innings from Inzamam-ul-Haq. He's one of those players who can play when all around him is falling apart. His 79 sustained hope until he was run out.

We once watched Pakistan against Australia in the World Cup at Headingley. We remember the then Yousuf Youhana standing calmly at one end as a throw came in from the boundary. He looked behind him and was quite surprised to see Inzy standing at the same end, not moving a muscle, presumably not even saying: 'Hey - I'm at the same end. You'd better run.'

Everyone's got a favourite Inzamam run-out story.

Bilal Shafayat hits century

One of our Ones To Watch, Bilal Shafayat, hit a century in his first innings of the season. Congratulations Bilal. Thanks for kicking things off. He scored 118 off 290 balls against Essex.

There's too much cricket going on at the moment. Having started this in the dark days of January, we're now overfaced with scorecards. Don't be surprised if we miss something.

South Africa v New Zealand, first Test - Excellent Ntini forces us to comment

If there's one thing we like, it's fast-bowlers decimating batting line-ups. Batsmen have it all their own way and we love it when someone gives them a damn good hiding.

Stand forward Makhaya Ntini. Don't say it too loudly, but Ntini finally seems to be becoming the kind of strike bowler that Test cricket's been sorely missing. After concussing Justin Langer in the last Test against Australia, he knocked the stuffing out of New Zealand's first innings earlier this week and then he only went and did it again in their second innings.

Take a look at the top of that New Zealand scorecard in the second innings. Take that batsmen. Only single figure scores for you from now on.

We're linking to the BBC's scorecard today rather than Cricinfo's in the interests of equality.

Jason Gillespie hits double hundred against Bangladesh

We don't know what to say about this. We really don't. It's kind of heart-warming, because Gillespie seemed all washed-up last summer. It's also a bit annoying because of our whole 'Bangladesh are great' thing. Letting any nightwatchman hit a double hundred is pretty damning whoever he is. Gillespie's not ordinarily a candidate for run-scoring, just crease occupation.

Let's feel all warm inside on behalf of pitiful Jason Gillespie from the Ashes and yet subtly ignore the part where he succeeds against Bangladesh. [Dusts hands off in 'job done' style like they do in children's comics.]

Our e-mail policy

King Cricket's probably busy enough to warrant an e-mail policy now. We say 'policy' but really it's just an address. It sounds more professional if we call it a policy though. We're nothing if not professional.

A couple of people have tried to contact us recently through the comments and while commenting's more than welcome, we can't write back and on one occasion we wanted to because the person was really nice about us.

So here you go:

kingcricket@hotmail.co.uk

The first time you e-mail you have to authenticate that you're a real human. From then on, things work as normal. It's not a Bladerunner-style replicant test or anything. It's just a 'yes' or 'no' authentication. It pretty much takes your word for it if you say that you're a real person.

First day of the cricket season: A photo journal

It's the first day of the cricket season. The nation's buzzing. We went down to Old Trafford for Lancashire against Hampshire to sample the party atmosphere.

This was what the sky looked like this morning. We Mancunians pride ourselves on knowing the local weather. These aren't rain clouds.

Hmm. We're not in north Lancashire or south-west Cheshire. We're in the bit without "brighter, drier intervals".

This picture tells us two things: That we're still in our house at 13:06 because of the rain and that we like to pile CDs on top of our stereo.

Woolly hat. Check. Ski socks. Check. It's officially a 'double trousers day' too. Readers in warmer climes may be unfamiliar with the concept of wearing two pairs of trousers simultaneously. Believe us, sometimes it can and must be done.

Play eventually started at 3pm. Lancashire asked Hampshire to bat which meant that we didn't have to endure Iain Sutcliffe's batting. Even Iain Sutcliffe's mum's favourite cricketer isn't Iain Sutcliffe.

Lancashire opened the bowling with ageing medium-pace all-rounder, Glenn Chapple...

...and ageing medium-pace all-rounder, Dominic Cork.

We missed John Crawley's wicket. This is where they put the big screen when there's a Test match.

Glenn Chapple enjoys a bit of banter with the crowd.

Here are a few notable names who could have been playing in this fixture, but weren't: Kevin Pietersen, Shane Warne, James Anderson, Andrew Flintoff, Brad Hodge and Sajid Mahmood. Not to worry though, because the Old Trafford faithful were treated to Dominic Thornely and Nic Pothas instead...

We hadn't seen Tom Smith before, but we were impressed. He consistently made the batsmen play and on occasions beat them for pace. He fully deserved his 3-29. Are we the first off the mark in lauding him? What do we win?

We were slightly disappointed that nobody spoke to us, like World Cup winner, Andy Bichel did, but we still had a good day, largely due to Lancashire's success and partly due to the large amount of clothes we wore.

The best one-day international batsman in the world, Yuvraj Singh

He is. He really is. He's like an off-colour Shahid Afridi and an off-colour Michael Bevan in the same body. If that doesn't sound like praise, it's meant to be. We mean fractionally off-colour, in that he's not quite the equal of either in their respective styles of play, but he's not far off.

If the situation needs someone to play the ball around and finish the game off, Yuvraj does it. If the game requires someone to hit the ball out of the park and lodge a towering total, Yuvraj does it. He's absolutely sensational in the one-day arena. He's the kind of batsman England would kill for, although who they'd kill we're unsure.

His overall one-day batting average is a more than respecable 35.24 after 148 games, but in the last 12 months it's 56.37 from 33 games. There are five hundreds in there as well and he bats in the middle order. It's awesome. And he's only 24. We're using swear words to ourself in an astonished tone now.

His 103 against England in Goa showed both sides of his game as he played himself in and then took England apart. But for us, his defining innings was the 79 not out he hit in the 6th one-dayer against Sri Lanka last November. In a match where only one other batsman passed 40, Yuvraj came in at 92-3 and hit 79 of the next 105 runs to win the match.

Before long he'll be doing this in Tests.

India v England, one-dayers: A post mortem

An apt heading in that England's one-day team may as well have been dead during a 5-1 drubbing. An inappropriate heading in that we're not really going to mention India.

India have learnt that they're better than England at one-dayers, which they knew anyway. There are encouraging signs in their pace-bowling corps too, but other than that, they haven't benefited from whipping sub-standard opposition.

England have also learnt relatively little. Kevin Pietersen's by far their best batsman: That they knew. Paul Collingwood's an underrated and increasingly talented one-day batsman: That they were fairly certain of. James Anderson's decent: That they should have known.

Is there anything else they can take from this series? Ian Bell's probably a better bet than many of the batsmen they've tried. Ian Blackwell's an economical one-day bowler and probably deserves his place on that basis. We can't really think of anything else. Anybody could have filled the remaining places in the side for all it affected matters.

England still don't play anywhere near as many one-day internationals and it shows.

South Africa v New Zealand, first Test

South Africa... and New Zealand... and Shane Bond's not playing...

Will New Zealand unearth another medium-pace bowling all-rounder? Will Jacques Kallis bat for a draw?

We'll comment on this series only if we have to, like if Nathan Astle has a Nathan Astle day. (We still haven't written about that have we? We will do, one day.) Otherwise we'll just amuse ourselves trying to work out what random old keys might open around our house. Hmm, this one could be for our dad's garage. The fun never ends.

Shahid Afridi takes a break from Tests

Now we're angry. Our man's made a criminally bad decision. Although it does illustrate why Pakistan have a decent chance of winning the World Cup and England have as much chance as Canada. There's more chance of us doing some work this afternoon than of England triumphing next year.

Afridi has temporarily opted-out of Tests to concentrate on giving his all in pursuit of the World Cup. Matthew Hoggard spoke for all of England last week when he admitted that if he had to choose, he'd go for winning the Ashes over winning the World Cup.

But as we've said before. Why can't England do both? Australia have been the best in both forms of the game for a good few years. Why can't England adopt that mentality? You don't HAVE to choose. Ignore Shahid Afridi, he's clearly mental anyway (in the best possible way). Win everything. Win the Ashes and the World Cup. Win the stupid Champions' Trophy even.

Ones To Watch: Rob Key, Kent

We always describe Rob Key as 'foetally-featured' and you'd be forgiven for thinking that we didn't much like him. Nothing could be further from the truth. We're absolutely desperate for him to get back into the England side.

One of the problems of being us (and there are several) is that as soon as a player gets into the England team we can't help but idolise them. This makes it particularly tricky when you want a player to break into the side. Who gets dropped? Ordinarily, we neatly side-step that particular landmine by not suggesting anybody.

And that's what we're going to do here. Rob Key for England.

Feel free to include any Rob Key songs you may have written in the comments. We'll put one in to start you off.

Rob Key posts:
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Bangladesh v Australia, first Test

We don't think they're going to be too proud of themselves, but Australia scraped a win by three wickets.

Brett Lee's batting turned out to be quite important, as we predicted. He hit 29 and if he'd gone sooner - the way that Martyn and Clarke have in this match - then it might have been closer still. Ricky Ponting finished unbeaten on 118 and this adds to our belief that he's the keystone of Australia's batting line-up.

We once had a dream where we had toothache. The tooth came out and then there was this ominous creaking sound, like timbers straining under extreme force. It turned out that the tooth was the focal point of our entire head. Our head split in two and we were walking around with a huge crack in it. Ordinarily you'd wake up at this point, but for some reason we didn't and we could feel the serrated bone and everything.

We think that Ricky Ponting is that tooth and that the Australian batting line-up is our head in the dream. Get Ponting and you get Australia. Cut off the head and the body flops around aimlessly.

What were we saying? Australia won? Whatever. We're too gutted to write about that.

Ones To Watch: Matt Prior, Sussex

Don't be fooled by our 'Matt Prior for England' campaign, we're not actually campaigning for his selection in the Test team. We've just gone a bit overboard in our assertion that one day he'll be England's wicketkeeper. We tend to get a bit carried away.

He will play for the Test team though - one day. He's still only 24. He's got bags of time. In the meantime we'd all better keep our eyes on him in case he goes back to the Erasure fan/navvy look that he's sporting in this picture. He's a little bit balder-headed now.

England win!

Yes, it's an exclamation mark day. England have won!

Andrew Strauss retired with dehydration for 74, but he and Ian Bell got England off to a solid start for once. Ian Bell may have only scored 46, but that's far better than most of England's batsmen have managed in the entire series. When Trescothick's back, Bell should bat at three.

Even the persistent pop-ups on this PC aren't going to take the shine of an actual real-life England win. It was real wasn't it? Yes, neither of the umpires were Peter Parker. It's real. England have won a game.

India v England, sixth one-dayer, not between innings

Right. We've had three goes at this now. One of our colleagues visited www.downloadsixmillionviruses.com in our absence yesterday, so we're a bit late. We usually do this between innings, so we're going to pretend that we don't know that England are 88-0.

India only managed 223 all out, in spite of 96 from Mahendra Dhoni in his role as stand-in opener. This was something of a triumph for England's bowlers, in particular Lancastrians James Anderson, 3-28 and Sajid Mahmood, 3-37. The bowling figures are also notable for the first international bowling of Kevin Pietersen's career. This is great news for our 'Kevin Pietersen, all-rounder' campaign. He bowled one over and even took a wicket. His one-day international bowling average is now 4. Here is a list of greats whose bowling average is worse than that:

Everyone

Mohammad Rafique and Enamul Haque Junior - take your chance

Adam Gilchrist saved more than just Australian blushes with 144 in Australia's first innings. There's no way Australia are getting out of this match in credit, even if they win. Gilchrist has done what he absolutely had to. He scored 144 priceless runs.

Even after reducing Bangladesh to 124-5 Australia are still 282 runs behind, which is more than they managed in the first innings. Our view is that Australia will polish off this Bangladesh innings for very little more and will then win the match after a much more professional batting performance.

Having said that, we've been siding with Bangladesh for a while now and it would be wrong to give up on them now. Their bowling attack is built around Mohammad Rafique and this pitch should be at its most receptive to spin bowling now. If Bangladesh are going to win their first big Test, then now's as good a time as any. Enamul Haque Junior has shown his class before now and those two will be key as Australia set off for what should be a plus-300 score.

If they manage it, there aren't enough Transformers in the world to reward them. We'll have to think of something else as well. Suggestions are welcome.

Bangladesh v Australia, batting collapse

93-6!

Is it hilarious or is it a tragedy? It's hilarious of course.

Brett Lee's in now. We think that his batting is increasingly handy. If it is, then Australia could really do with his showing it now. If he doesn't do much then we'll merrily revel in our own inaccuracy while toasting Australia's most humiliating Test match of all time. Are we the first to call it that?

Bangladesh v Australia, first Test, day two

We're sorry. We just can't wait until the end of play. Australia are currently 81-5 in their first innings. Bangladesh had scored 351 when they lost their fifth wicket.

So this begs one or two interesting questions: Should Bangladesh enforce the follow-on if they have the option? We think they should, just to say that they made Australia follow-on. Secondly, should Australia really be playing Test cricket? We think they're devaluing the game with their incompetence. They're just providing cheap wickets and easy runs for the Bangladeshis.

Ones To Watch: Mark Butcher, Surrey

You all know Mark Butcher. Everyone knows Mark Butcher. He played every match for England for years. Then what happened? Well he got injured and then injured again. And again. Now it's as if he never played for England, yet he was a mainstay when he lost his place.

We feel kind of sorry for him. He's done nothing wrong and now his international career looks over. England have got batsmen queuing up to play and he's not near the front of that queue. Well there's only one thing to do, Mark. Score more runs than anyone has ever scored. Start with a triple century and take it from there. That's the only option you can take. The ONLY option. Do it, Mark. Do it.

Unlucky Stuart MacGill, the unlucky spinner

We're going to call him Unlucky Stuart MacGill from now on. He's not actually that unlucky, in that he's played 39 Tests and taken 190 wickets. He's just unlucky to have played ONLY 39 Tests and taken ONLY 190 wickets. We all know why. Like so many other things, it's that man Shane Warne's fault.

They're a similar age and they're both leg-spinners. Unlucky Stuart MacGill is world-class, but unfortunately, that's never been enough. Well MacGill had his day today, admittedly against Bangladesh. He took career-best figures of 8-108. Warne didn't bowl today and finished with 0-112. We think he's hurt his shoulder or something. We haven't bothered finding out yet because this post is about Unlucky Stuart MacGill, not Shane Warne.

Unlucky Stuart MacGill's Test average is now 27.33. We'll outline just how unlucky Unlucky Stuart MacGill is by highlighting some bowling averages which are worse than his:

Jeff Thomson - 28.01
Ian Botham - 28.40
Anil Kumble - 28.76
Makhaya Ntini - 29.05
Saqlain Mushtaq - 29.84
Harbhajan Singh - 30.14

At least he'll always be able to get a part as Danny Zuko in Grease, judging my this picture.

Bangladesh v Australia, first Test, day one - we start to measure out the ingredients for humble pie

How long before touring Bangladesh is viewed as a tough ask? On their own turf the Bangladeshis know what they're doing. They may be pushovers when they're away, but there are encouraging signs in their home Tests. You just know that various experts who constantly slag off Bangladesh will be astounded one day when they beat England. They'll describe it as a new low for England and will refuse to give any credit to Bangladesh. Maybe if they beat Australia people will start to get the message: Bangladesh really aren't all that bad. They're not all that good, but don't take your eye off them.

Bangladesh finished today on 355-5. They scored at well over four an over and Australia must be a little bit taken aback. They may have suffered at Bangladesh's hands before when they lost that one-dayer in England, but they would still have been expecting a walkover. They are Australia, after all.

The best bowling figures were those of Jason Gillespie who's had his hair cut in recognition of the fact that he was good, back when he had short hair. He took 2-36. Shane Warne's figures are 0-112 off 20, incidentally.

The principal batting hero was Shariar Nafees who hit 138 off only 189 balls. We don't know too much about Shariar Nafees. We'll try and find something out when we should be working tomorrow. We don't research cricketers on the Sabbath.

Our position regarding Bangladesh can be seen here.

India v England, fifth one-dayer

England have avoided a 7-0 drubbing after the pitch in Guwahati was deemed unfit for the match. This is progress for England. Not entering the field of play is pretty much the best result they can hope for at the moment.

Unfortunately, the decision to abandon play frustrated much of the crowd, violence broke out and the riot police were called.

We know Marcus Trescothick's personal reasons

Marcus Trescothick's personal reasons for leaving the tour of India are as follows:

Nah, we don't know them really. If you clicked on this link for some dirt then shame on you, you nosy bastard. Why do you even want to know? It's nothing to do with you. You're just some nobody working in an office not doing their work (probably). We know. We're the same, only without the interest in Marcus Trescothick's personal life.

As far as we're concerned, Trescothick's personal problems are that his obsessive compulsive disorder means that he can only step on luridly coloured bits of rubber and this is currently preventing him from entering the field of play.

Get a grip. Leave him alone and look forward to his opening the batting for England in the summer.

Surrey Brown Caps

Surrey are changing the name of their one-day team to 'Surrey Brown Caps' having previously played as 'Surrey Lions'. We're sure that there's a joke in 'Surrey Brown Caps' somewhere, but we don't even swear on this site, so we'll have to restrain ourselves.

This is a picture of Surrey captain, Mark Butcher, making a complete balls-up of marketing the new Surrey brand: 'No, Mark... Brown... BROWN!'.

Ones To Watch: Mark Davies, Durham

Mark Davies has taken 146 first-class wickets at 21.91. That's astoundingly good, yet you'll never hear his name mentioned in connection with the England team. You'll never hear his name mentioned in connection with the academy either, even though he's only 25. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to hear his name mentioned at all. It's like he doesn't exist. He's been right near the top of the bowling averages for the past few seasons, but nobody's noticed.

He plays for the same county as two England bowlers, so maybe they get all the attention. Look at their first-class bowling averages though: Steve Harmison's is 29.19, Liam Plunkett's is 32.70 - neither are a patch on Davies'. That's how astounding his invisibility is. Perhaps it's because he's a medium-pace bowler which isn't very fashionable. At least that's what Cricinfo tells us. We're a bit dubious. He's not taking all those wickets so cheaply with innocuous throw-downs. He must be doing something right. We aim to find out what.

Oh, and look at him - he's clearly descended from Vikings as well. Top that. (The picture on Cricinfo highlights his Vikingdom better than the one we've used, but we sometimes speak to people from Cricinfo, so we try and avoid knowingly stealing from them.)

England's one-day team: What's wrong? Will they be able to bribe opponents with Transformers?

England lost the fourth one-dayer against India. We're not going to write anything about it because our keyboard is already crunchy with tear residue. Is anyone else getting a little worn down by this? Given a choice between Test success and one-day success, most England fans would go for Test success, but why can't we have both? Why?

Ignoring the English attitude to one-dayers, what's going wrong out on the pitch? We think it's mostly the batting in this series. England would have hoped to have unearthed some good back-up in the absence of Trescothick and Vaughan, but the opposite's happening. Bar Pietersen and Collingwood, none of the batsmen have made a case and that includes some of the regulars. Andrew Flintoff's scores read 41, 5, 15 and 12 while Andrew Strauss's read 0, 61, 7 and 7. Where are the runs going to come from?

Assuming that Transformers are as desirable to the concept of a unified nation as they are to us (and why wouldn't they be?) we've drafted an open letter to England's sub-continental opponents.

Dear India,

If we get you each and every Transformer - all the Autobots, all the Decepticons, even Rodimus Prime - will you please lay off our poor beleaguered one-day team. We need some of them for Test matches. Please don't break them.

Love,
England

Ones To Watch: Bilal Shafayat, Northamptonshire

He's only 21, but he made his first-class debut five years ago. He used to captain England's under-19s and once hit a hundred and a double hundred in the same match against India under-19s. Not bad.

We don't really know all that much more about him, but he'll move from being a solid opener to an exceptional one before long. He's only five-foot-seven, so maybe he'll be England's answer to Benevolent Uncle Sanath Jayasuriya. That's the way it works, right? A batsman's talent and style of play is dictated by his height.

India v England, fourth one-dayer, between innings

A Kevin Pietersen still recovering from food poisoning is still England's best one-day batsman by a country mile. Okay, so that's not really fair on Paul Collingwood, but aside from him it doesn't seem to make much difference whether England pick five bowlers or nine - no-one scores any runs.

Pietersen hit 77 today and the next best was Geraint Jones' 49. Jones was unfortunate to be run out as he was using Andrew Strauss as a runner at the time, so effectively he played no part in his own dismissal. We wonder whether Jones will exorcise his frustration by hiding Strauss' bat next time they play, forcing the opener to face fast-bowling unarmed. That's what we'd do. Maybe we'd not let Strauss play with any of our toys. That would teach him.

Matt Prior failed again and we're going to have to put our 'Matt Prior for England' campaign on the back burner for a while. Ian Blackwell also failed again with the bat. Theoretically, he's just the sort of batsman you want in the lower order: A six-hitter who bats in the top order for his county. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working in practice. His bowling's steady and economical at least and that's what's keeping him in the side. On paper that shouldn't happen either, which goes to show you what use paper is, when it comes to picking a cricket team.

New Pakistan: The best of both worlds?

They did it. Pakistan won. After a first-innings deficit of 109, they bowled Sri Lanka out for 73 in their second innings, although Sanath Jayasuriya didn't bat in his final Test after dislocating his thumb in the field. Pakistan then knocked off the 183 runs for the loss of only two wickets.

What if Pakistan have allied reliability to their outrageous ability to win matches from terrible positions? It doesn't bear thinking about.

Ones To Watch: Sajid Mahmood, Lancashire

Sajid Mahmood: He's tall. He's fast. He can swing it. He can reverse swing it. He can even bat a bit. At 24 he's going to get better and better. Yet half the time Lancashire don't even pick him. In their pace-bowling hierarchy, he's definitely beneath reliable-yet-increasingly-unspectacular all-rounders, Glenn Chapple and Dominic Cork.

This season will be his season, we say (more in hope than through any great insight into Lancastrian cricketing machinations). You may know what you're going to get from Chapple and Cork, but equally you know what you're not going to get. They're unlikely to run through the opposing batting line-up these days. We reckon that Sajid's got that in him.

In our head he's Waqar Younis and Curtly Ambrose's bastard offspring.

Brett Lee's batting

Well what do you know? No sooner have we ridiculed Damien Martyn’s penchant for twenty-something scores, than he goes and scores a match-winning century. Well played Damien and thanks for reaffirming our belief that we should keep our stupid thoughts to ourselves when the Ashes come around.

Martyn wasn’t there at the finish, however, he was back in the hut trying in vain to close his psychopath eyes. Brett Lee was still batting and they wouldn’t have won without him. He may have only contributed 24 runs, but once again he proved that he’s a more than capable batsman, as he did on a number of occasions against England.

Having previously been of the ‘six and out’ school of tail-end batting, Lee has added a Jason Gillespie-style blocking component to his game. He can now defend and attack, which actually makes him a fairly competent batsman. We think he should bat above Warne with his rigid refusal to deviate from his ‘dervish’ approach. Lee has a sense of gritty pragmatism about his batsmanship now which he can put to good use when batting with those higher up the order. When he’s left with the tail, he can switch to slogging mode.

Bowlers triumph during Sri Lanka v Pakistan

We struggled to be interested in the previous Test, but today in particular, the players seem to have learnt from their mistakes. It’s a wicket-fest.

In response to a seemingly under-par Sri Lanka total of 279, Pakistan made only 170 with the Muralitharanster (we’re running out of ways of describing him) taking 5-39. Rather than reflect on their lamentable batting performance, Pakistan resurrected their almost-forgotten tactic of ‘going one better’ and reduced Sri Lanka to 73-8. Mohammed Asif followed up his six first innings wickets with 5-27 and the long search for an opening bowling partner for Shoaib Akhtar seems to be at an end.

The ‘going one better’ tactic was a regular ploy used by Pakistan teams back in the disorganised days. It basically meant that if they had performed badly, they would redress the balance with a performance of withering quality. So if they had been bowled out for 80, rather than accept defeat like any right-minded team, they would simply bowl out the opposition for 50. If they conceded 500, they would score 600. It often didn’t work, but sometimes it did and those moments are the ones that get remembered.

These days Pakistan have embraced philosophies such as ‘teamwork’, ‘effort’, ‘dedication’ and, unfortunately for us, ‘reason’. This Pakistan side may be a superior unit to some of its predecessors, but on their day, those predecessors would beat this team, even at its best. Or to put it another way: New Pakistan would beat Old Pakistan nine times out of ten, but the one occasion when Old Pakistan won would be the one that you’d remember.

Ones To Watch: Will Jefferson, Essex

Will Jefferson's opening partner Alastair Cook is the one who gets all the attention, but we've been watching Will for a while. We get the impression that he scores runs when other people don't, which is rather a handy knack to have.

His success is often ascribed to his six foot nine and a half inch height. The reasoning being that bowlers struggle to bowl the right length to him. In reality it's down to 'the secret powers of the giants'. Mankind has always revered giants and myth and folklore are littered with tales of giants with special abilities and even magic.

It's common knowledge that giants are a different species from the rest of us. They appeared on earth long before humans and mastered space travel and other dark arts way back in prehistory. While giants have died out for the most part, they have appeared intermittently in order to help us and rule over us. Will Jefferson is the latest of these. He's also good in the slips.

India v England, third one-dayer, miserable one-day review number three

England may have managed 245, but we're maintaining that we were right. At one point they were 83-5 and the early onslaught that England try to favour had once again ended the match prematurely.

That they got anywhere near India's total was almost wholly down to Paul Collingwood with 93 off 84 balls. It was another superlative innings during what has been a very successful winter for the Durham man. He looks like the only player in the one-day side who has any idea at all about how to build and innings or chase down a total: Play yourself in, then attack. England frequently try it on too soon and as the run-rate climbs so does their desperation.

Paul Collingwood should have slapped each and every other member of the England squad when he was finally out and then asked them whether they had been watching him. Then he should slap them all again regardless of whether they had watched him or not. Those that had watched, taken notes, videoed him and had chanted, 'I must be more like Paul Collingwood' throughout his innings, should be let off with one final slap.

Slaps would be apportioned to the remaining players according to how many of those four activities each player had performed:

Three activities - five slaps.
Two activities - ten slaps.
One activity - one hundred slaps.
None - attachment to a mechanical slapping machine for the remainder of the tour.

India v England, third one-dayer, between innings

India have racked up 294 and England should have learnt a thing or two about how to go about building a one-day innings, both as a batsman and as a team.

It all hinged on a magnificent century from Yuvraj Singh who hit 103 off only 76 balls. Both he and the team set themselves well, playing steadily at first and then in classic one-day tradition tore England apart with about seven or eight overs to go. His second fifty took only 24 balls.

Anyone remotely surprised by this obviously doesn't know how good a one-day player Yuvraj is. From the middle of India's one-day series against Sri Lanka last November, up until the end of their one-day series against Pakistan which preceded the England tour, Yuvraj's one-day scores read: 79 no, 0 no, 103, 4 no, 53, 49, 39, 82 no, 79 no, 37 and 107 no.

You'd think that this would boost his average sky-high, but at the age of 24, Yuvraj has already played 144 one-day internationals. His average in them was 34.23 before today. Yuvraj has only played 15 Tests, but can we call him a Test novice when he's got so much international experience?

Yuvraj's dad, Yograj played a Test once, against New Zealand, he claimed one wicket, which was John Wright, India's old coach.

Back to the match, will England adopt India's approach of platform-building prior to all-out assault, or will they try and attack from the outset, lose wickets and limp to a minuscule total. Our money's firmly on the latter, particularly with Pietersen out with 'the runs' rather than out after scoring runs.

South Africa v Australia, third Test, day three

It's a quiet weekend for cricket with only a dead rubber between South Africa and Australia taking place. There's always something of interest though and we've been having a few thoughts about Australia's batting line-up over the last few weeks.

It probably started with the Ashes, but Australia's terrifying top seven have taken on a distinctly mortal look. We'd actually pinpoint it as when they dropped Darren Lehmann. At that time each of the seven frontline batsmen were averaging well over forty and in several cases over fifty. It was an intimidating batting line-up in practice as well as on paper. Since then, Michael Clarke has come and gone, Adam Gilchrist has lost his lustre and Damien Martyn has reeled off dozens of twenty-something scores. Maybe Martyn's worn his eyes out by forgetting to ever blink.

They scraped 270 in the first innings here, but the second and third highest scorers were Brett Lee with 64 and Shane Warne with 36. At present the only reliable batsmen seem to be Ricky Ponting, who is beyond reproach and Mike Hussey, a relative newcomer who now seems like the lynchpin of the middle order. Justin Langer's still worth his place, but Hayden merely cashes in when the going's good. Damien Martyn's bound to be dropped again before long. Andrew Symonds has played some good innings, but you don't expect them in the same way that you did with Australia's old batting line-up. Adam Gilchrist's case is probably the most worrying for Aussie fans. Previously he would either bale them out on the rare occasions that the top order had failed or he would put the game beyond the opposition. At present, he's doing neither.

We've actually been overlooking this for the most part because the bowling's Australia's really big worry. At least Stuart Clark is proving half decent.

So, in summary: Australia can't bat.