England are rubbish - England are great - great, rubbish, great, rubbish...

Australia aren't crap just yet. Frankly, we're getting a little impatient.

We're almost getting to the point where we'll get all jokey and defeatist about England matches. That's something that we're NOT in favour of. We hate being a good loser. We get enough of that in real life.

England were bowled out for 159, which is rubbish, whatever the wicket. England's lower-order is now so bad that several batsmen, after they'd been given out, went to the scoreboard and deliberately removed 10 runs from England's total.

Of course nobody noticed, because the incoming batsman was inevitably asking for the ball to be changed for one that did a bit more. In the break between innings, England's entire squad went into the Aussie changing rooms and took turns giving their bowlers massages.

Fortunately, Andrew Flintoff was still quite fresh, having expended precisely no energy through batting this series. He therefore managed to take two late wickets.

Tomorrow England will finish the job, bowling Australia out for 72 before powering their way to 456-0.

We'll be chanting: 'Easy. Easy.' Then we'll go and get the medication for our newly-developed bipolar disorder.

England 159 all out
Australia 48-2