Reasons to be cheerful about the Ashes

Yes, there are some. First and foremost: It's all coming together perfectly.

You don't believe us? These first two Tests have just been setting the scene. Don't you know anything about crafting drama? England have experienced both kinds of defeat: The remorseless, same-old, same-old, utterly outplayed, grind-you-into-the-dirt brand; and the sudden and outrageous defeat which hurts even more.

This just means that England's inevitable victory and retention of the Ashes will be all the sweeter. If England had got off to a flier, your appreciation wouldn't have been sufficient. This way, they lower your expectations and when they finally do get round to winning, you're awestruck. It's all relative.

Secondly, Damien Martyn can't buy a run.

Thirdly, Matthew Hayden can't buy a run.

Finally, Glenn McGrath doesn't seem to be all that.

It's all coming together...

England are rubbish - England are great - great, rubbish, great, rubbish...

Australia aren't crap just yet. Frankly, we're getting a little impatient.

We're almost getting to the point where we'll get all jokey and defeatist about England matches. That's something that we're NOT in favour of. We hate being a good loser. We get enough of that in real life.

England were bowled out for 159, which is rubbish, whatever the wicket. England's lower-order is now so bad that several batsmen, after they'd been given out, went to the scoreboard and deliberately removed 10 runs from England's total.

Of course nobody noticed, because the incoming batsman was inevitably asking for the ball to be changed for one that did a bit more. In the break between innings, England's entire squad went into the Aussie changing rooms and took turns giving their bowlers massages.

Fortunately, Andrew Flintoff was still quite fresh, having expended precisely no energy through batting this series. He therefore managed to take two late wickets.

Tomorrow England will finish the job, bowling Australia out for 72 before powering their way to 456-0.

We'll be chanting: 'Easy. Easy.' Then we'll go and get the medication for our newly-developed bipolar disorder.

England 159 all out
Australia 48-2

There's a plus side

There's a tangential link to a fat cricketer.

This is the first Ashes whitewash since Warwick Armstrong's Australians managed it in 1920-21.

Warwick Armstrong was mighty fat.