The bowling performances thing is over - go back to your lives

So that's all 10 of our 10 Great Bowling Performances. The other thing that we should have pointed out is that they're all relatively recent. As we said in the original post, it's our top ten. We never saw Jim Laker, so he's not in. That's the way it works.

Apologies to A P Webster for the omission of Dominic Cork's 'champagne' hat trick. It was in the original 10, if that makes you feel any better, but then it got bumped because Darren Gough's hat trick was against Australia. Technically there was no reason why we couldn't have two hat tricks, but, er, we can't defend ourself, actually, so we're going to stop typing now.

One day we'll write 10 Great Batting Performances, but it's actually harder work than we thought. Despite the glaring lack of facts, we still had to check loads of stuff to make sure we hadn't dreamed it. About three of Spider-man's bowling performances got the heave-ho because of that.

Curtly Ambrose v Australia, 7-1 – ten great bowling performances

This one’s the exception. It doesn’t involve England. However, it’s as close to perfection as you’re likely to find. Curtly Ambrose’s final bowling figures after Australia’s first innings at the WACA in 1992/93 were 7-25, which is impressive enough in itself. However, there was one spell of bowling where he took seven wickets for just a single run. That is just astounding. We used the word ‘perfection’ earlier and there’s not much more to add.

You can watch it here. The only down-side is that it took place in Australia, so there’s not as much fuss from the crowd as we’d like.

10 Great Bowling Performances.

Mark Butcher hits his fourth hundred of the season

Mark Butcher hit another hundred. It's hard to get too worked up about his form this season when he's being monumentally upstaged by Mark Ramprakash in just about every innings. Maybe he should get himself a comedy helmet to attract the crowd's attention when they're batting together. There aren't enough comedy helmets in cricket. It could be the shape of, er, a cricket ball... No. It's a bad idea. No comedy helmets.

Nick Compton evades us

Don't worry. It's not another Rob Key thing. We're not physically camping out in Nick Compton's back garden. We can't be in two places at once, after all.

Nick Compton has rather craftily hit four hundreds this season. We remember precisely two of these. This is no surprise, you might think. But it is. We always check every scorecard and we pay particular attention to Nick Compton, because he's Denis Compton's grandson and the proper media are all over him like coriander on murgh makhani. You might think that we don't care what the proper media think, but, you know... we don't want to be left out.

For those of you who don't know, Nick's grandfather, Denis Compton averaged 50 in Tests back when that was bloody hard to do. At the minute, Matthew Hayden averages more than Denis Compton. You don't need any more proof that statistics can be deceptive. 60% of all statistics are a little bit misleading; a further 15% can be taken one of two ways; and 8% are misread or misquoted. Those, ladies and gentlemen, are FACTS.

Mark Ramprakash passes 2,000 runs

Mark Ramprakash yesterday passed 2,000 runs. That's 2,000 first-class runs. And that's this season alone. Some players barely make that in a career. We're increasingly sceptical that we're going to make it, if we're honest.

Cricket writers always cite instances where a batsman has passed 1,000 runs for the season or whatever. Most of us don't have a clue what that means or how significant that is. We can put Mark Ramprakash's achievement into context to a degree.

Mark Ramprakash has, at the time of writing, hit 2,044 runs at 113.55. That's a big average for one thing, but we're concentrating on runs scored. The second highest run-scorer in first-class cricket is South African, H D Ackerman, who's hit 1,490 runs at 70.95. Then it's John Crawley, 1,411 at 67.19; then Murray Goodwin, 1,376 at 62.54; Andy Flower, 1,361 at 75.61 and Darren Lehmann, 1,272 at 70.66.

Basically, there's a fairly steady stream of run totals until you get to second place and then there's a gigantic jump to Mark Ramprakash. That's how well he's played this season: About a third better than anyone else.

Maybe he really wanted Galvatron (pictured) and his dad said he'd get him Galvatron if Mark could make 2,000 first-class runs this season. Mark's dad would have said this deliberately being certain that Mark would never manage to hit 2,000 first-class runs this season. Well the joke's on you, Mr Ramprakash. You're going to have to fork out for a sweet Transformer now. Well done Mark. Next year you should try for Grimlock.

Mohammad Asif plays old school one-day cricket

We get the impression that that should be 'old skool', but frankly, we're down with the kids enough already. There's no need to go overboard, is there? Not where spelling's concerned anyway: Spelling rocks.

Anyway, all we were going to say was that Mohammad Asif, in addition to taking a few wickets, bowled a few maidens - three on the trot at one point. His ten overs went for 28 runs, which is practically unheard of these days. In keeping with our pretty-much-forgotten-about Equal Rights For Bowlers Campaign, well done Mohammad Asif. You're our poster boy for today.

And remember kids: Spelling correctly according to the arbitrary standardisation of some middle-class, south-eastern Englishmen from the 18th century is cool. Deliberately spelling things incorrectly makes you worse than a murderer.

Ian Bell is one of England's better one-day batsmen

Ian Bell is one of England's better batsmen full stop. He's better than us. He's better than Dale Winton. He's better than Basil Brush.

Perhaps we should narrow it down. Of all the batsmen who've played for England's one-day team recently, Ian Bell is a batsman who actually deserves his place in the side. His 88 today against Pakistan was not that eyecatching, but frankly England need runs. England need wickets too, but that's a separate issue. Early on he seemed to edge about eight balls in a row, but then, shortly afterwards, he was given a short-pitched delivery and he put it away. Many batsmen would have been thinking they were on borrowed time, whereas Ian Bell seemed to have forgotten all about his difficulties. One ball at a time people.

Ian Bell's been having a good summer. He's scored hundreds aplenty (in international cricket for a change) and he's got solidity in one-day cricket, which is a rare commodity indeed amongst Englishmen. He actually averaged nearly 40 in one-day internationals prior to this game. It's not from many games and he hasn't hit a hundred, but that's better than we were expecting. Ian Bell's better than a lot of people expect. He kind of got a bit of a bad name as the worst English batsman during the Ashes, but it's an undeserved reputation. He's still very young and he'll put it right.

Ian Bell was the name of one of the guys who wrote Elite for the BBC Micro. Elite was ahead of its time, but the most amazing aspect of it was that the creators wrote it in binary code. We love binary code. We actually have more than one joke about binary code. Here's one:

11000100100001010110

It's totally meaningless and not remotely funny! That's the joke!

We'll save the other one, eh?

Devon Malcolm v South Africa, 9-57 – ten great bowling performances

The story goes that while batting against South Africa at the Oval in 1994, Devon Malcolm was hit on the head by a bouncer. “Right,” he said. “You guys are history”.

This story came about because somebody asked Devon something like: “So, Devon, you took 9-57. It was an amazing performance. Did it have anything to do with being hit on the head while batting? Did you say: ‘You guys are history’?”

Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it’s certainly one of those romantic stories where a player’s spurred into great deeds by some specific incident that probably isn’t true. Whatever the case, Devon Malcolm knocked seven shades of something out of South Africa’s long batting line-up in a series of high-paced three over bursts. It was proper fast bowling.

10 Great Bowling Performances.

Shane Warne v England, 4-31 – ten great bowling performances

Maybe it’s because it’s fresher in our mind, but Shane Warne’s performance in the fourth Ashes Test of 2005 seems representative of the man and his hold over English batsmen and supporters. The only surprise is that he didn’t win Australia the match.

England were in the driving seat. They were 32-0 in their fourth innings and needed fewer than a hundred to win. The pitch was as flat as the crowd at a celebration of our career. Warne came on to bowl and the entire series changed in an instant. From a position where England were waiting to go 2-1 up with one to play, they were suddenly pondering losing the chance to regain the Ashes. It was partly skill on Warne’s part, but as much as anything it was just his presence. Years and years of defeat have conditioned the English to fear Warne and think that he can do anything. Because of that, he pretty much can.

Before they knew it, England were seven wickets down. Panic had set in. Never has such a small target seemed so impossible. We started ticking off the runs to keep ourself calm. Then when that stopped working, we had a beer. Then when that stopped working, we just sort of jumped around shouting: “No, no, please, no,” over and over again.

He may have only taken four wickets himself, but basically Warne was responsible for all seven that fell that day.

10 Great Bowling Performances.

Shahid Afridi helps Pakistan win Twenty20 match

We feel that we should at least comment on Pakistan's victory in the Twenty20. Mike Yardy had a decent international debut, hitting 24 not out off 14 balls and taking 1-20, but the most newsworthy contribution as far as King Cricket's concerned was from Shahid Afridi: 28 off 10 balls.

We were going to write lots of 'ooh, imagine Shahid Afridi playing Twenty20' sorts of things, but then we realised that this actually conflicts with the reason why we love Shahid Afridi. The genius of Shahid Afridi is in his complete disregard for the match situation. He's not going to bat any differently for Twenty20. He's the one player in the world whose run-rate will probably end up much the same in Twenty20 as it will in Test cricket. In reality, Twenty20 is the worst place to watch him bat because everyone else is doing much the same thing. In Test cricket he's a man alone.

We have a cat called Afridi. Here he is:


Unfortunately, our hopes of his being the first non-human to play for England were dealt a bitter blow by his revelation that he doesn't have opposable thumbs. This means that he can't even grip a cricket bat, let alone play a cover drive.

His development as a leg-spinner is being hampered by his tendency to look bemused and then wander off during training. Also, given the choice between standing in the sink and performing fielding drills, Afridi inevitably opts for standing in the sink.

Matthew Hoggard v New Zealand, 7-63 – ten great bowling performances

A swing bowler in our list of great bowling performances? Regular readers will know how unlikely this is. But wait. It’s not pace, per se, that we’re in awe of, it’s destructivity and given the right conditions a medium-pacer can become lethal.

Matthew Hoggard took 7-63 in Christchurch in a magnificent display of swing bowling that was totally and irreversibly overshadowed by the most staggering innings imaginable.

Hoggard also took 7-61 to win a Test against South Africa once. Everyone remembers this one though and anyway, it happened later. The Christchurch match was Hoggard’s arrival.

10 Great Bowling Performances.

Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis v England, a collapse every time – ten great bowling performances

This is how we remember it: England are batting; they reach 200-0; the ball starts to reverse swing; England are all out for 210.

In reality it was never quite this simple. For one thing Pakistan often had Mushtaq Ahmed or Saqlain Mushtaq taking their fair share of wickets, but there is no denying the quality of Wasim and Waqar’s bowling. Being as this is supposedly about great bowling performances, we’ll have to pick one. You could pick any. Based solely on the scorecard we’ll go for the fifth Test in 1992. In the first innings Wasim Akram took 6-67. In the second innings Waqar Younis took 5-52. Okay? Will that do you?

In many ways Wasim Akram was the perfect fast bowler. He could be taller, if you were actually going for perfection, but that’s about the only thing that could be improved upon. He hid the ball on his approach to the crease and constantly surprised the batsman with his no-jump delivery stride. He swung the ball both ways with the new ball, but particularly with the old one. This he did with unparalleled accuracy. He could bowl bouncers and yorkers at will and he was very, very fast. He actually managed to snap a stump in bowling Chaminda Vaas once. That delivery was the middle of a hat trick as well. Is there anyone whose fantasies even come close to that? Oh and he was a left-armer who could bowl as effectively from over or around the wicket.

Waqar Younis was an altogether simpler bowler. He wasn’t without guile by any means but didn’t perhaps have the same ability to swing the ball both ways that Wasim had. However, Waqar had a delivery that no-one can match: The dipping, inswinging yorker delivered slightly faster than light off a turbo-charged shovel going downhill with a following wind. Er, it was fast anyway. Faster than Wasim. Even today, to have your toes broken by an inswinging yorker is to be ‘Waqared’. If you’ve got a delivery like that, you don’t need any others. The trick was in Waqar’s slightly round-armed action which meant the ball swung at an angle. As well as veering sharply towards the stumps, it also led batsmen to believe they were facing a full toss, when in fact the ball would dip towards stumps or toes.

We get really excited about Wasim and Waqar bowling. It was mysterious and exotic and deadly. No-one’s that good any more.

10 Great Bowling Performances.

It's James Kirtley's day not Dominic Cork's

Much as we'd have loved to have been right in our earlier post about how Dominic Cork's batting might prove decisive to the outcome of the C&G final, in the end, we were a whisker out. While Cork was arguably the only batsman to look at all comfortable in this match, he finished as the last man standing as Lancashire's other batsmen all lost their wickets. James Kirtley was hero with the ball taking a Mark Ealham-esque five lbws for 27 runs. Cork finished on 35 not out.

We were never remotely in favour of James Kirtley playing for England. He's not massively quick and he wouldn't strike fear into the heart of our cats - and our cats are scared of breakfast sometimes. He is a decent bowler though and today's his day. Well done. He's had a hard time with having an action on the chucking borderline throughout his career, so we don't begrudge him his success. Even if it was at the expense of Lancashire, the shameful shower of bottlers (Cork excepted). 'Shameless shower of bottlers' doesn't make any sense, does it? They don't deserve sense, the shameless shower of bottlers.

Darren Gough v Australia, hat trick – ten great bowling performances

It was a hat trick and it was against Australia. What more do you need to know?

We always thought that Darren Gough didn’t bowl enough inswinging yorkers. It’s a great delivery and we wanted him to bowl one every single ball. On one occasion at the SCG, he did bowl a couple and ended up with a hat trick. We were right. Everyone else was wrong. We win. Yorkers are great. Hat tricks are better. Short statements are bad. Stopping would be good.

10 Great Bowling Performances.

C&G final - Sajid Mahmood takes 3-16

Bowlers on top. Lancashire on top. Sajid Mahmood on top. We're in our element. We're also underneath an awful lot of cricketers.

Lancashire really shouldn't throw this away now, but big matches don't always follow normal rules. However, with Stuart Law and Nathan Astle in the side, Lancashire have experienced batsmen who've experienced big games before. Dominic Cork too, lower down the order, might yet have a part to play with the bat.

We were a bit concerned at the start of the game to see that Lancashire had only selected three batsmen. Everyone else is an all-rounder or a wicketkeeper. We wouldn't do that. We'd have more batsmen. We're cowardly.

Darrell Hair's mental well-being called into question

Apparently, following the affair - which for the sake of brevity we'll call: 'ball-tampering-allegations-followed-by-a-team-and-then-umpires-on-strike-gate' - Darrell Hair asked for some money and retirement. Then he withdrew his request and got on with shouting 'no ball' at the nearest genius.

If you want to know more about his request then go to a proper news website. Perhaps you can find one that's not calling the whole thing: 'ball-tampering-allegations-followed-by-a-team-and-then-umpires-on-strike-gate'.

For us, the big news is that Darrell Hair is clearly demented. You want proof? We'll give you proof.

Elsewhere in the e-mail where he pleaded for cash, Hair also revealed that he has come to reside in the UK. Darrell Hair, a man not short of a bob or two, has decided to leave Australia with all its space and its high standard of living. Instead, he's opted to cram his gargantuan frame into some tiny flat on this rain-spattered isle where it's totally dark for six months a year. Demented.

The only other explanation is that his entire family think he's a bastard. We don't know him, so we're not making any rash pronouncements. We wouldn't want to go on record saying something offensive about a public figure, so we're not going to make a decision as to whether he's demented or a bastard. As far as we're concerned, he could be either.

Muttiah Muralitharan v England, 16 wickets in a match – ten great bowling performances

“Sri Lanka are rubbish,” said English cricket. “We’ll only give them one Test. They’re lucky to get that, quite frankly.”

“Whatever,” said Murali and promptly took 16 wickets as Sri Lanka kicked England’s arse so thoroughly that English cricket still sheds a tear when it so much as thinks about sitting in a nice comfy armchair.

Muttiah Muralitharan took 7-155 in the first innings and the British media said: ‘If only he had some support’. Muttiah Muralitharan then took 9-65 in the second innings as Sri Lanka won by ten wickets and the British media said: ‘Oh my God. Imagine if he had some support.’

Murali then went home and said: “Maybe when England have got a genius playing for them we’ll let them have a return match in Sri Lanka. But not before then.”

Of course Murali didn’t say that really. He’s too nice. Besides, he doesn’t need to stoop to anything like that because he’s clearly, eternally, unarguably SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. Hats off.

10 Great Bowling Performances

Uglier than a 100% bald Merv Hughes (eyebrows and everything)

We got sent a thing. It's great, so we're publishing it here. We'll also include the writing that came with the thing. The writing kind of explains the thing, but it also bigs us up a bit and we're not quite cool enough to shrug off praise, be it 'faint', 'fawning' or 'quasi-religious'. You're all failing on the last count, by the way.

Anyway. ScottC sent the writing that explains the thing. The thing too. Here's the writing:

"I made this, and felt so proud of myself that I though I'd share it with you, as you are officially my Third Favourite Cricket Writer Of All Time (after Andrew Miller and Rob Smyth (does he even count?) and just ahead of Lawrence Booth and Simon Hughes). Please note that this is not in any way hollow flattery intended to persuade you to put my picture on your website. Obviously.

"If you can name all four (recent) England test cricketers in this attractive composite, then treat yourself to a nice cake, or something."

And here's the thing:

Third! Of all time! That's pretty damn good in our book. We're particularly pleased to have beaten Booth. That's because we like Booth, not because we want to deny him a podium place.

As regards the competition aspect, we'll level with you all. There is no cake to give away. Scott does say, 'treat yourself'. He doesn't say: 'Maybe if your readers get it, you could treat them to some cake'. It's Scott's work and we're not going to argue.

Who are the four recent England Test cricketers who go to make up this Frankenstein's monster of the outfield?

We've a horrible suspicion that we recognise the chin.

Andy Caddick v West Indies, four wickets in an over – ten great bowling performances

The West Indies’ tour of England in 2000 was a real turning point for us as a fan of both England and destructive bowling. Prior to this point, England had solid bowlers. Suddenly they had bowlers who could instigate collapses. With England at the time being no better than a middling side, the potential for batting collapses from the opposition played an important straw-clutching role for us as a spectator.

It was of course Andy Caddick and Darren Gough who were the destructors in this new fantasy land of ours. Earlier in the summer the two of them combined with Dominic Cork to bowl out West Indies for 54 in a fantastic match in which England were to come from behind to win by two wickets. However, we’ve plumped for Andy Caddick’s four wickets in an over as the defining moment of the summer.

West Indies did marginally better in this innings, making 61 all out, but the feeling of delirious chaos was more palpable while Andy Caddick was taking four wickets in seven balls (there was a no-ball). You just didn’t know where it was going to end. Our bowlers were unstoppable. When England next played Australia, we were going to bowl them out for a single run. It was amazing.

If we had to sum it up, we’d say: Full length, a good deal of swing and cartwheeling stumps. Bliss.

Apologies for the entirely inappropriate picture. It's just such a great photo. For those who might be wondering: Andy Caddick's the one WITH ears. Two of them.

10 Great Bowling Performances

The rest of England's one-day squad

It's pretty much as you'd expect it, which is actually quite a good thing as far as England's one-day squad is concerned. You're never quite sure who's going to make an appearance normally.

Darren Gough's back (as in 'returned'), which is, er, we really don't know. We do like Darren Gough, but we're worried it's just a sort of residual love from back in the day. Nowadays he's kind of hefty and not so dynamic. Unless, as we suspected, he's been selected as a batsman. Yes. That's it. We're happy. Batsman are allowed to be older. Dynamic Goughie's back to - ah, you know. We can't be bothered finishing this paragraph.

Also returning is Rikki Clarke, who we said should return to the one-day team and has. The influence of King Cricket is still dictated by coincidence and generic pronouncements, but still. We're claiming that one.

Ed Joyce is in as well. Hopefully he'll last more than four minutes this time.

Stuart Broad - a surprise selection?

About as surprising as breakfast television. We've somehow managed to avoid writing about Stuart Broad up until now. We just figured that everyone would know about him and we weren't really imparting any new information.

Stuart Broad's 20. He's six-foot-six, which is seven metres in metric. He's also former England batsman, Chris Broad's son. We thought that we could just about remember Chris Broad playing for England, but we weren't sure. Then we PROVED it to ourself. Chris Broad's initials are B C - we wouldn't know this unless we'd spent time perusing scorecards which had his name on.

Stuart Broad's been Leicestershire's most successful bowler this season with 40 wickets at 31.40, including four five-wicket hauls. That's not jaw-dropping, but it was better than Mohammad Asif managed while he was at the club. Everyone's been talking about Broad all season. We're a bit sick of it to be honest. We wish we'd made him one of our Ones To Watch though. Is he too mainstream for inclusion next season? Nah. We make the rules.

Mike Yardy - surprise selection?

Mike Yardy of Sussex has been selected in England's one-day squad for the upcoming series against Pakistan. His is a slightly unexpected selection, but we wouldn't say it was a surprise. Somewhere in between. Like when you're all set to wait in all day for a delivery, but it actually arrives first thing in the morning.

David Graveney said something about Yardy's part-time off-spin, meaning he would be vying for a place with Jamie Dalrymple for a place in the short-term. We wouldn't pay too much attention to that. More likely the selectors have got their eyes on Yardy's batting ability and are easing him into international cricket. He may not even play, but he's clearly in their thoughts and they want him around.

Mike Yardy was one of the big run-scorers during the last A tour. He averages 46.76 with the bat this season and 38.34 over his career. Cricinfo says that his nickname is 'Yards'. If his surname were 'Yards' his nickname would be 'Yardy'. There's no skill in just having a nickname for the sake of it. No skill at all.

Glenn McGrath v England, 5-53 – ten great bowling performances

Glenn McGrath’s ended up with better figures on any number of occasions, but this was particularly memorable for us.

In the first Test of the 2005 Ashes series he reduced England to 21-5, taking all five wickets to fall. Australia had been showing signs of weakness all summer. They lost a one-day international to Bangladesh, they lost the Twenty20 match against England by a mile. They lost a couple of other one-dayers and Alastair Cook flayed them alive in a warm-up game. Then Steve Harmison bowled them out for 190 and we were a bit worried that victory wouldn’t be so satisfying against this aged, crumbling relic of a side.

Then Glenn McGrath waltzed in, same as usual, and tore England apart, same as usual. Basically, it set up the entire series. Every piece of theatre needs a sense of triumph against the odds and a villain too, so thank you Glenn McGrath.

It took us a long, long time to accept that Glenn McGrath was all that good because he’s not particularly quick and in our book fast bowling’s just that. He is 'that good' though. He’s one of the greatest bowlers to have ever played the game.

10 Great Bowling Performances

Lancashire sign Murali Kartik

Not as good as signing The Murali, but better than sticking with Brad Hodge. In truth, Murali Kartik is a bit of a stop-gap operating on a match-by-match basis while Brad Hodge recovers from a pain in the neck (rumoured to be some sort of pop-up on his home computer).

Lancashire's stop-gap signings tend to be better than their season-long ones, to be honest. It's Murali Kartik's second stint at Old Trafford. He played a couple of matches last year, taking ten wickets on his debut and, as we remember it, putting in a match-winning performance in the second as well. Lancashire also signed Dinesh Mongia in desperation the year before. He may well have topped Lancashire's batting averages and took a few wickets too.

Brad Hodge has been... all right.

Steve Harmison v West Indies, 7-12 – ten great bowling performances

Steve Harmison is that rarest of things, an England bowler who scares the opposition. Not that there haven’t been good England bowlers in the last few years, we’re just talking about actual physical fear. Facing Steve Harmison is intimidating because he’s tall and he’s fast. England usually produce wily medium pacers who get thrashed to all parts as soon as they find themselves further than a hundred miles from home.

In days gone by, England’s batsmen used to visibly wilt in the West Indies. The Windies would field four fast bowlers, prepare a rock-hard pitch and pepper England into submission. In 2004 the tables were turned. England fielded a tall fast bowler called Steve Harmison and he set about building himself a reputation.

At Sabina Park in Jamaica, Steve Harmison took seven wickets for just 12 runs as the West Indies were all out for their lowest ever total of just 47. He bowled eight maidens and was totally dominant. It was merciless. For all we know, he went into the Windies changing rooms and laughed for a full 45 minutes afterwards, poking tearful batsmen throughout. Test cricket’s hard and remorseless. For once England looked like they actually recognised that.

10 Great Bowling Performances

10 Great Bowling Performances

We're doing a series of posts. It's got a start and an end and things will appear regularly, so you can look forward to stuff rather than just arriving at King Cricket and going: 'Oh, they've not bothered writing anything.' Or: 'My word. They've written about twenty things in the last half hour. I can't be bothered reading that much'. So, starting tomorrow, we're going to look at 10 great bowling performances.

Now let's get a couple of things straight: These are OUR 10 great bowling performances and as such they are massively influenced by our prejudices. Here are things that we like: England, fast bowlers, weird spinners. Bad news for New Zealand's Chris Harris. Good news for Steve Harmison. In truth it means that most, although not all of the 10, feature England, as those are the matches which we have inevitably taken most interest over the years. Often England are on the receiving end. We probably love cricket more than we love England.

Secondly, there's no sort of transparent ratings system. This is always the case with King Cricket - you know that. It's just based on 'feel'. We could grade our 'feel' from one to 100 if you wanted, but frankly we'd be making it up to keep you quiet.

Links to the full 10 will appear below. There's no order to them. It's just 10 Great Bowling Performances.




Steve Harmison v West Indies, 7-12.
Glenn McGrath v England, 5-53.
Andy Caddick v West Indies, four wickets in an over.
Muttiah Muralitharan v England, 16 wickets in a match.
Darren Gough v Australia, hat trick.
Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis v England, a collapse every time.
Matthew Hoggard v New Zealand, 7-63.
Shane Warne v England, 4-31.
Devon Malcolm v South Africa, 9-57.
Curtly Ambrose v Australia, 7-1.

Inzamam charged with bringing the game into disrepute

You heard it here fourth.

There will also be a charge of ball tampering. This whole furore's going to run and run. Mostly it'll be a lot of media supposition, presumption and guessery. Unless something concrete turns up, we don't really want to hear about it.

Inzamam'll say it was an old ball that had been hit for six a few times. The umpires will say that the condition of the ball 'deteriorated in a fashion not consistent with regular wear and tear' or something similarly wordy. They'll each repeat themselves until every cricket journalist in the land is attempting to gouge out their own eyes with their space bars through boredom. Inzy'll probably get a small fine for something vague. Life will carry on.

The plus side is that it doesn't seem like England and Pakistan have fallen out at all. Basically everyone hates Darrell Hair. Understandably. We've thought he was a grade A bastard ever since he no-balled Murali seven times for being born double-jointed and with arms which don't fully straighten. Nobody no-balled you for being a half-wit when you were a quick bowler, did they Darrell? Maybe they did. They should have done.

Ball tampering techniques

Following this debacle, we got to thinking about what constitutes ball tampering. It would be naive indeed to presume that there weren't widely used techniques for 'preserving' the ball which maybe don't quite fit with the laws of the game. At what point does accepted practice become unacceptable?

In order to explore the issue, we thought that we'd try and list techniques used by players of all levels to affect the condition of the ball. We're rather hoping that some of you will be able to contribute in the comments, but we're not too certain how many of you actually play. Also, you all seem like decent law-abiding sorts, so maybe you won't be down with all the nefarious acts which go on.

While there are many methods that have been described in print - bottle tops, sun cream, certain mints or throat lozenges - we can only offer one that we've heard of from a less public source. Special Correspondent Dad, whilst naming no names, described how a co-cricketer in the lower leagues, used to apply lip balm to his trousers. Subsequent shinings would thus create a sort of veneer, which could, potentially, aid swing movement.

We hope that you the reader can add to this in the spirit of documenting our beautiful game. Comment away.

A Matt Prior hundred

Dear mum and dad,

While I haven't written to you much recently, I finally did something that you'd be proud of. Last night, against Glamorgan, I hit 141 off only 86 balls. Isn't that amazing? I hit six sixes and an unbelievable twenty fours. I can't even remember them all, I hit so many. After the game all the other Sussex players said I was ace. Even some of the Glamorgan players said I did all right.

On a slightly less upbeat note: You remember that picture that was taken where I looked like a member of Erasure? Well unfortunately there's been another picture taken. I've got normal hair, but I am 'buffing up' with my shirt off. This won't help the rumours.

All the best,
Matt

Do you see what we did there? Matt Prior's season's been nothing to write home about before now. Clever eh?

Darrell Hair - not a diplomat, but he is quite fat

You'll probably all know the outcome of this bizarre situation by the time you read this, so we'll try and avoid making rash predictions. We've not reached many firm conclusions anyway.

Here's how we see it so far: Darrell Hair thought that the ball had been tampered with. He gave England five extra runs and allowed them to choose a replacement. For some reason, he didn't particularly liaise with Inzamam or any specific Pakistani player about this. It was presumably just a general sense of cheating that he got, rather than any specific evidence. Evidence is overrated. You might as well just accuse the entire side. There's hardly likely to be much of a fuss.

Following this, Pakistan refused to retake the field after tea as a protest. The umpires went back in and then came out again a bit later and took the bails off, presumably signifying that Pakistan had forfeited the match. After some behind-the-scenes shenanigans Pakistan eventually did take the field, but the umpires didn't. More behind-the-scenes shenanigans ensued.

Now what can we take from this? Assuming that Pakistan were in full possession of the facts, they were well aware that they were forfeiting the game when they refused to take the field the second time. If that was the case, they can't really argue about the outcome, but this misses two key points: Firstly, Pakistan now wish to play. The series is already lost, so it's not like they've suddenly realised that they cut off their nose to spite their face - they actually want to play. Both sets of supporters want the match to continue and it seems fairly reasonable to suggest that England want to play - they can't lose the series and were making a decent fist of fighting back. The only people preventing play are the umpires.

Secondly, and most importantly, this all stemmed from Darrell Hair's decision to have the ball changed. He accused Pakistan of cheating, yet gave them no right to appeal. He can do this, he's the umpire, but perhaps another umpire might have communicated with the accused a bit more. Whether his allegations turn out to be correct or otherwise, he effectively endangered the match and later, given the chance to return to the field, he refused on pedantic grounds, not recognising an expedient solution to a touchy issue. Billy Doctrove too, although we think he's probably just a junior partner in all of this.

Maybe Pakistan were tampering with the ball and Darrell Hair was right. It's just why is it always Darrell Hair? It's not coincidence. He's always at the centre of any umpiring controversy. And he's fat.

Inzamam and Mohammad Yousuf

...are at the crease and England are already miles behind. It really doesn't bode well for England.

On the plus side, it's a test. It's a Test, obviously, but within this Test, this is a test. England have already won the series, so in a sense there's nothing at stake. However, they should look on it as an opportunity to prove their own worth. They've not been in any particularly sticky spots during this series, so now's their chance to show that they've got a bit of mettle. So far, they've pretty much failed.

England seem so downhearted. It was particularly apparent this morning. They came out all full of shouting, like that guy in the pub who's desperate for a fight because he's really quite dense, then it all just fell away within a handful of overs and everyone was silent.

Seasoned cricket-watchers often talk of taking the fight to the opposition and putting them on the back foot. Mohammad Yousuf's got a different approach. He opted to put England on both feet, with their hands in their pockets, looking at the turf and sulking. He was dropped a couple of times yesterday, but he didn't seem keen to offer any chances today. England were broken. Perhaps if he was blazing the ball to all parts there would have been the glimmer of hope. As it was, there was nothing.

Pakistan's three, four and five, Younis Khan, Mohammad Yousuf and Inzamam-ul-Haq, know what they're doing to the same extent that we don't. You wouldn't characterise any of the three as a particular style of batsman. They're each adept at any style of play and act according to the match situation.

We wouldn't be like that if we were an international cricketer. We'd be a mood player. We'd be devastating on our day, but frustrating at other times. We certainly wouldn't be scared of getting hit by the ball and we most definitely wouldn't have any panic attacks at the thought of playing in front of all those people. We absolutely WOULD NOT go to pieces and maybe cry a bit and try and hug the umpire for comfort.

Anyone superstitious about wickets falling?

We're currently writing a series of posts about great bowling performances. We've written five posts so far and England have just lost their fifth wicket.

If anyone wants us to stop, e-mail us.

Mohammad Asif's great

We've been waiting to see Mohammad Asif for some time now. Today's the first time we've really watched him for any extended period and we're impressed. He's not what we usually go for in a bowler, ie, he's not massively quick. He's skilful though.

If we were to sum him up, we'd say: Quite tall, swings it both ways, lands the ball where he chooses, uses the full width of the crease. It's a good package, if you can say things like that without making Carry On-style jokes, which we can't. We haven't made one, you say? Ah, but isn't pointing out the potential for a Carry On-style joke a joke in itself? No? Oh.

Chris Tremlett - still bowling

Chris Tremlett took 6-78 against Warwickshire. We've a tendency to ignore Chris Tremlett's performances because they're generally at the Rose Bowl. We disregard a lot of bowling performances on that basis, but we shouldn't be blinded. It may be a more bowler-friendly wicket than most, but Warwickshire are 374-9 on this occasion, which means they're hardly struggling.

Chris Tremlett highlights England's one-day selection "policy" as well as anyone. A year ago he made his one-day international debut. He played quite well. Everyone was quite impressed. Then he got injured. Now he's never mentioned. He's not even in the ICC Champions' Trophy development squad or whatever they called it - that list of players who may or may not play in the Champions' Trophy and therefore the World Cup. He's just not flavour of the month any more.

'But isn't he rubbish now?' we hear you ask. No. No he isn't. Chris Tremlett had taken 24 first-class wickets at 22.20 before this match. Whatever the state of the Rose Bowl, he's got the best record there. We're not massively for or against Chris Tremlett, but if the selectors thought he had something last year, he should be playing this year, gaining experience. Instead it looks like Stuart Broad, another great prospect, will get the nod and might well be thrust into the World Cup with very little experience. Experience matters. Stop flitting around, selectors.

Darren Lehmann hits a hundred

We've probably made ourself clear by now about how much we think of Darren Lehmann. If you're in any doubt, it's more than we think of the miracle of life and slightly less than we think of sandwiches.

Darren Lehmann hit 172 out of Yorkshire's total of 310 against Kent. The next highest score was 41 from one of this season's most consistent performers, Anthony McGrath. What's most impressive about Darren Lehmann is that he's been doing this for years. Some players have a really good season where they stand head and shoulders above every other player, then they live off this for the rest of their careers. If they're Simon Jones, they promptly get injured immediately after their finest hour and no-one ever really works out whether they were absolutely class or whether they were just in a bit of a purple patch for a couple of weeks. There's no doubt with Darren Lehmann though because he's been doing it every single season since the invention of the lava lamp.

Rob Key's 7 not out in the same match, incidentally. If we've a high opinion of Darren Lehmann then...

Will Jefferson's off

Not as in 'past his sell-by date', as in 'leaving'. Genial giant, Will Jefferson, has decided to leave Essex because they won't pick him, which seems fair enough. If he were a less genial giant, he would have crushed the Essex management team without mercy. That's the kind of giant we'd be.

With all due respect to Iain "not even his mum's favourite cricketer" Sutcliffe, Lancashire should sign Will Jefferson. He's a great opening batsman - he averages pretty much 40; his best years are ahead of him - he's 26; and here's the clincher: He's really, really, tremendously tall.

Will Jefferson was injured for the first part of the season, but he's not featured in the county championship even after his recovery. It's rather made a mockery of our assertion that he was 'one to watch'. We stand by our belief in his quality, but accept that there probably isn't going to be anything to watch this season.

Will's pictured holding a giraffe's head still for an innoculation while working at the zoo. The giraffe's out of shot.

Mashrafe Mortaza - best bowling figures for Bangladesh in a one-day international

Some of you will know that we've got a bit of a thing for Bangladesh. Not in a romantic way, you understand - we're not going to start lending them our coat when it rains or anything like that. We just have a deep yearning for them to put in some performances. Mostly this is just because we predicted great things for Bangladesh and if they don't do great things, that makes us wrong and we hate being wrong. Admit it, so do you. You'd rather make up an elaborate lie than face your own wrongness head-on.

Here's where we first decided to celebrate Bangladeshi achievements, no matter how seemingly insignificant. The most recent achievement is that of Mashrafe Mortaza who took 6-26 against Kenya, the best ever one-day international bowling figures for Bangladesh.

Cynics might say: 'Oh, well it was only Kenya. It doesn't mean anything'. To which we reply: 'Shut up cynics. Shut the hell up. We're going to beat you if you say another word, you lying, stupid cynics with your mouths full of excrement. Shut the hell up.'

Then, when that's out of our system, we'll say that actually it does mean something. For one thing, taking six wickets in ten overs is no mean feat in any form of cricket. Secondly, Kenya aren't all that bad. Just because they're not Australia or India doesn't make them a bad side. Lots of Test-watching, cricket-loving people seem to think that there are eight Test-playing nations, then Bangladesh and Zimbabwe and that's it - suddenly everyone below that is completely hopeless. It's not the case. Kenya can put up a decent fight in one-day internationals They're from the top tier of non-Test-playing nations.

We'll give you the option of a link to our post explaining our stance on Bangladesh and Zimbabwe, even though nobody's really interested. However, we do urge you to go and visit Nick Deverell's excellent and admirable Kenya Cricket site.

To briefly return to Mashrafe Mortaza, he's quick and aggressive and he's just what Bangladesh need. Their attack is reliant on the spinners Mohammad Rafique and Enamul Haque Junior. A decent pace bowler or two would be a sizable stride towards the day when they embarrass England and everyone's suddenly amazed that Bangladesh can play cricket. Well, we warned you. You lend them your coat and they break your heart.

Junior cricket bats

What the hell are these?

Junior cricket bats work like this: First of all you use a stick. Show enough proficiency with the stick and you might get a flat piece of wood with a half-arsed handle nailed on. Play at your state school that doesn't care about cricket and can't afford any equipment and you'll most likely be using the blue Kwik Cricket bats made of plastic. These are manufactured as well as they're spelt. From this point on you use adult bats.

But just look at these bad boys. They're like proper cricket bats, only smaller. Kids will actually be able to hit boundaries with these rather than getting their fours and sixes through hapless fielding and excessive running.

When we were 'junior' we had an adult bat that our dad had sawn the bottom six inches off. We could barely lift the bloody thing.

The Twenty20 Cup Final - a special report

Leicestersire won.

Ryan Sidebottom does something weird in Twenty20

In one of the Twenty20 semi finals, Ryan Sidebottom bowled four overs for seven runs. We've no idea how he managed it. Maybe he bowled the majority of balls while the batsman wasn't looking. Maybe the umpire kept losing count and Ryan was bowling two ball overs.

It was the hair, wasn't it? The hair explains everything. Except itself. Nothing explains the hair. If we let our hair grow it would probably look something like Ryan's. We choose to cut our hair.

Jokes about Ryan Sidebottom's hair: It's 2001 again. It's amazing how far we've come since then, ie, nowhere.

Mal Loye gets recognition

This post has become weirdly prescient. First Glen Chapple became a surprise selection for England's one-day squad and now Mal Loye has too.

Actually, Mal Loye's just in a squad of thirty people who might be selected for the Champions' Trophy, but it's England recognition of a form. He's hit four hundreds and is averaging over 50 in the county championship and he's also hit two hundreds in the C&G Trophy where he averages 75.

We've no problems with his selection at all - he's a class batsman. Our only reservation is that it's not far off the World Cup to be picking new players. England always lay out a masterplan after each World Cup. Every time it involves identifying players and giving them experience through thick and thin, but it never happens. It's a few months before the World Cup and new names are still cropping up.

At least the names cropping up are all cricketers. England's selectors haven't resorted to calling up Sherlock Holmes or that kid from the Frosties advert. Having said that, we wouldn't mind seeing Kid From The Frosties Advert facing a few Brett Lee bouncers.

Sorry, Kid From The Frosties Advert. We know that you take a lot of stick on the internet and probably don't deserve it, but you ARE really annoying in an addictive sort of way.

International readers can see Kid From The Frosties Advert in action in his natural habitat of the Frosties advert here.

Luke Sutton hits hundred, wins over four people

Apparently, when Lancashire signed Luke Sutton from Derbyshire there was a furore among the Lancashire members. They'd been accustomed to Lancashire lad Warren Hegg behind the stumps and were anticipating that a young Lancastrian would take over the position. Instead, Lancashire opted to sign Luke Sutton, who'd been plying his trade with Derbyshire, on the grounds that he was a decent batsman.

We can't imagine that the outcry was particularly vitriolic, but never underestimate the feelings of a load of conservative pensioners. Actually, that's prejudiced. In a way we agree with them. If this site's about anything, it's about the development of young cricketers (and about Rob Key and Transformers). Surely Lancashire must have found someone to groom into Warren Hegg's successor.

It may be that 22-year-old Gareth Cross is the long-term successor, but for the minute, Lancashire have gone with Luke Sutton. We saw him keep wicket on the first day of the season - he didn't miss a thing and took a couple of blinding catches. As a batsman, he's only managed a couple of fifties and hasn't really warranted his number six position. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, Luke Sutton hit 109 not out and here's the key - it was in the current Roses match. If there's one thing that Lancashire members love, it's great performances against their rivals from across the Pennines. Maybe he'll have won a few of them over. He should probably work on the face though. That's not a classic Lancashire cricketer's face. Or hair.

Mark Ramprakash Bradmans it up again

Mark Ramprakash has aided his pushing of the Envelope of Batsmanship by affixing wheels to the Envelope of Batsmanship. He's also found a hill down which to push it.

In short, he's scored yet another hundred. How about we start telling you all when Mark Ramprakash DOESN'T hit a hundred?

Hope you all appreciate the coining of the verb 'to Bradman' which means to score hundred after hundred after hundred after hundred... A while ago we coined the phrase 'innocuoso' - it's really not caught on.

Chris Rogers - add him to the list

A batsman who isn't Mark Ramprakash scores a double hundred. You don't really know who he is. You check. He's only another bloody Australian. Add him to the list.

Chris Rogers of Northamptonshire is currently on 282 not out and seems pretty well set to get to 300. He's hit 47 fours and a six at this point. That's a lot of fours.

It would be interesting to see how the cream of English talent would fare in State cricket Down Under. Of course that'll never happen because the Australians seem to think they've already got enough decent batsmen. We'd be inclined to agree with them. Shame they still have to persist with Jason Gillespie and Michael Kasprowicz as their pace bowlers though. Maybe it's time to bring back Terry Alderman.

Darren Lehmann's Roses hundred

Darren Lehmann's always the stand-out performer in any big game and he hit a hundred for Yorkshire in the current Roses match.

Lancashire are there or thereabouts for their first championship title since the Spanish armada, so this is one scorecard it's worth keeping an eye on.

Yorkshire are 344-9 after day one. Glen Chapple's been the pick of Lancashire's bowlers with 3-59.

Andrew Strauss's second innings

In hindsight Andrew Strauss's second innings hundred is looking better and better. Watching at the time, it looked like a typical Strauss innings: Fizzing square cuts and relaxed dominance. Looking at the scorecard, it looks better now than it did then. Only two other England batsmen passed fifty in the second innings (and those only barely). None of Pakistan's batsmen made a second innings fifty.

That hundred's gone up a couple of notches while we've been sitting here this morning. It's a nice change from England captains' form being affected by 'the pressures of captaincy'. We don't want to deny the pressures of the job, but Ricky Ponting and Rahul Dravid don't seem all that bothered by their responsibility.

England win series against Pakistan

So England can still win. Up until the last couple of matches it was all feeling like a bit of a disaster this summer. The most reassuring element for England fans was the way the side put itself in a winning position and then actually followed it through. Too often in the last year they've not finished things off when they've been in a position to force a win.

We're a firm believer that a desire to win will always give you the edge over an opponent who merely fears failure. Hopefully England have stepped back into the former category. If Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif play in the next Test and England still win, they'll give themselves even more confidence. Not that this is a bad Pakistan side by any means, but those two would give the bowling a bit more edge.

England's team is likely to remain the same when the sides meet again at the Oval next week. However, there's a 12 into 11 conundrum looming on the horizon like an Andrew Flintoff-shaped behemoth. The man himself will hopefully return to the side come the winter and somebody has to get dropped. All England's batsmen have scored sizable runs this summer with the exception of Marcus Trescothick - and, frankly, there is no way that he is getting dropped. But England will want five bowlers in Australia so one of the top six will have to go.

Maybe they should put it to a public vote as to who gets dropped. That would be very modern. We're glad that we don't have to decide anyway. We just have to drink tea and lambaste whatever decision gets made, because there is no right answer. The other knock-on effect is a tail like a diplodocus (without the power) if Monty Panesar plays. Matthew Hoggard at eight anybody? Thought not.

Cross-posted at Cricket 24x7.

Three Monty Panesar highlights

Everyone's going a bit Monty-mad. Our natural inclination at times like this is to start talking about Ian "Fatty" Austin or someone instead. However, we're going to remain on the bandwagon a little while longer.

We have three clear Monty Panesar highlights from the recent third Test between England and Pakistan. There were many more, but these are the three that we'll remember. As usual he bowled economically and threateningly throughout. He's great.

1, Bowling Younis Khan: A great batsman. A great ball.

2, The stumping of Inzy: It clinched the match, but a stumping's always good to see, particularly of someone so light on their feet.

3, His cover-drive for four: Did you see it? It was fantastic. Technically, it really wasn't bad at all. We wouldn't fancy bowling to him. We get the impression we'd get carted all over the place.

Mahela Jayawardene bats on

What a cracking series. Why was it only two Tests long? After Kumar Sangakkara and Mahela Jayawardene's batting school in the first Test, the second Test was an absolute nailbiter as Sri Lanka edged home by one wicket.

Sri Lanka had been cruising with Mahela Jayawardene at the crease as they pursued 352 to win. Any side would be cruising with Jayawardene at the crease. He's the form batsman in world cricket at the moment. Unfortunately, he attempted a difficult stroke and was out with 11 further runs required. Vaas and Muralitharan came and went and suddenly Sri Lanka were nine down. Luckily Farveez Maharoof held his nerve and Sri Lanka took the series 2-0.

Despite nearly letting South Africa in by getting himself out, Mahela Jayawardene's 123 was another definitive knock. We've already highlighted his ability to score runs by the bucketload further up this post. That's a skill in itself. There's also his ability to motivate himself when his team's following-on. To those we can now add a third ability: The ability to chase down a sizable target. Some superheros have fewer abilities than that.

Mahela Jayawardene is one classy batsman and he's proving himself in a wide range of conditions and just as wide a range of circumstances. We're genuinely in awe of the guy at the minute.

Chris Read, innings two

Verdict: None

He batted all right. It was pretty much a standard Chris Read innings as far as we can tell. He gave a few chances, hit a six, played a few shots and at the end of it he'd scored 55. He got the runs on the board and that's what really counts. So on to innings three.

Innings one.

Another Rob Key hundred

A watched Rob never scores hundreds, as the old saying goes. We spend EVERY HOUR of EVERY DAY looking at Kent scorecards waiting for numbers to appear and subsequently increase after Rob Key's name, but nothing happens. We go away for the weekend and are cut off from the beautiful land that we call The Kingdom of Bat and Ball and what do you know: Rob Key hits a hundred - 136 not out against Hampshire (and therefore Shane Warne) in a stultifying draw.

Who'd have thought it was a whole month since our last Rob Key post. That's a sure sign of how miserable we've been. Our mind's been full of precisely nothing for the whole duration of that month. Occasionally we get a bit blank like that, but it's balanced out by the times when the fairies come and camp in our head. At those times we think lots of things and get really enthusiastic about the dullest stuff. The fairies seem to power us in some way. Either that or they're doing all the thinking and tricking us into believing that it's us. Or maybe they just come and stay when Rob Key does something good.

They're visiting today. We don't know how long they'll stay.

Rob Key posts:
Previous - Next

James Benning, pinch hitting efficiency

We don't want to typecast James Benning as a pinch-hitter, but he doesn't help himself. Yesterday he hit 70 off 43 balls, which is getting to be a familiar sort of score for him in any form of one-day cricket.

He's been doing okay in the county championship as well. At what point does he start getting identified by people who matter? Yes, we know that we DO matter, but there are people who matter more. Like that guy with sticks in his hair who collects cigarette butts in Rome. He matters more than we do.

Darren Gough bats at three again

Earlier in the season, Darren Gough batted at three in a Twenty20 game. We wrote that you have to love a form of the game where Darren Gough bats at three. Well now we have to love Pro40 as well, Twenty20's double-sized bastard offspring.

Yesterday, Darren Gough hit 53 not out off 49 balls and helped Essex beat Middlesex. He's clearly recognised that England's one-day team won't accept him as a bowler and is moulding himself into a number three as a consequence. He took 3-16 as well.

Darren Gough can do anything.

Saqibul Hasan plays top level international cricket

We've previously tipped Saqibul Hasan for greatness. Yesterday, he made his one-day international debut. He did all right. He took 1-39 off his ten overs and then hit 30 not out as Bangladesh coasted to victory against Zimbabwe.

We feel partially vindicated. Hopefully he's done enough to get a few more games and can show the world his superpowers, which we're led to believe are 'quick feet' and 'immaculate cover driving'.

We're still not totally sure how to spell his name though. Cricinfo and the BBC are going for Saqibul Hasan, so until we see a change, that's what we're going for. The BBC probably have people who check things like this. Here at King Cricket our budget doesn't really stretch to that. We're hoping it stretches to 'lunch' at the moment.

Chris Read, innings one

Verdict: Geraint Jones.

Batting's the currency for wicketkeepers these days. Chris Read may have hit a few runs, but he gave a few chances as well. Plus, he was out lbw playing back on a pitch exhibiting variable bounce. Even we know not to do that and how much less about batting in a Test match could we possibly know? The answer, of course, is none: We could know none less about batting in a Test match...

Actually, that's not true, we could not know about the whole not-playing-back-on-a-pitch-exhibiting-variable-bounce thing. That seems to be where Chris Read is, which is disappointing. Statistically he really seems to have improved his batting, but this was a bit of a schoolboy error.

We don't really believe in judging a player on one mistake though, so on to innings two and good luck to you, Chris Read.

A Mark Butcher hundred

Mark Butcher's scored a hundred. He's probably not noticed yet because he's been busy watching this guy from the non-striker's end.

It's a bad time to be a batsman. Mark Butcher's having a great season and he's not even the best over-thirty ex-England batsman playing in Surrey's middle order.

Why does that picture make him look camp, by the way? He's only holding his bat at an angle. That's not a particularly camp posture is it?

What's with Mark Ramprakash?

When did Mark Ramprakash become Don Bradman exactly? He's always been one of the very best county players, but this season he's pushing the Envelope of Batsmanship.

We first started paying special attention to the boy when he got behind the Envelope of Batsmanship and gave it a hefty shove with what eventually became 292. In response to this mammoth innings of unparalleled perfection, we slagged him off a bit. Then we apologised. Now the stupid bugger's only making a second triple hundred attempt. He's 279 not out as we write. What drives him?

We just don't know what to think. We're resolutely against his getting selected for England: He's old and had his chance. But just look what he keeps doing. He was averaging 94.81 in the county championship before this match, so he's clearly going to top 100. This is his seventh hundred. It's just... just...

Do we wish we were Mark Ramprakash? Is that what this is? Are we besotted with Mark Ramprakash as a result of his magnificent form, while simultaneously kidding ourself that we hold him in no regard whatsoever. We are a bit mental, so it could be that.

Update: He made it. He reached 301 not out and then Surrey declared.

Varun Chopra - hundred follows hundred

We're not going to go so far as to officially tip Varun Chopra like we did for Adil Rashid a couple of days ago. Not yet anyway. In any case, the only difference between this post and an official tip post is the word 'tip' followed by a colon in the title.

Varun Chopra hit 123 in the first innings of the under-19 Test against India and then hit 164 in the second innings. He marked his first-class debut for Essex with a hundred and a fifty as well.

We get far more excited about under-19 cricket than most people. It's like a window into the future. Seeing into the future's exciting. We can see ourself now: Sitting at a computer, writing things about cricket. Then we get bored and go for a drink.

It's amazing how things change over time.

A Matt Prior hundred

Lancashire reduced Sussex to 161-5 yesterday, but a superb fightback from everyone's favourite fifth-choice England wicketkeeper, Matt Prior, together with Robin Martin-Jenkins hauled Sussex up to 439. Prior hit 112 including 18 fours.

If Matt Prior is really serious about playing for England - and we've no reason to believe that he isn't - then he should ask to bat further up the order for Sussex. Number six in county cricket won't get you anywhere. You're in Chris Schofield territory batting at six. Look how his England career's gone.

Tip: Adil Rashid, England

We tried to stay measured. We tried to hold back. We tried not to get overenthusiastic. We tried not to make ludicrous pronouncements. We failed.

Adil Rashid will take 300 Test wickets for England. Adil Rashid will hit 3,000 Test runs for England. Adil Rashid is officially one of our heroes, even though he's a decade younger than us and we haven't yet seen him play. He's a leg-spinning all-rounder and he's 18. We don't have the resilience to stand up to that.

Last month Adil Rashid made a splash by being a Yorkshire-born player of Asian origin who played a match for Yorkshire. That really shouldn't be news: A Yorkshireman playing for Yorkshire. It's a very sad fact that this was news. However, he took 6-67 in a match-winning performance against Warwickshire and that really was news.

In the current under-19 international between England and India, Rashid hit 114 batting at six (15 fours, three sixes) and followed that up by taking 8-157. The man/lad/boy's above this standard of cricket. He's the next Andrew Flintoff.

We haven't gone overboard, have we?

King Cricket's other tips.

Counties limit overseas players

From the 2008 season onwards, counties will be limited to one overseas player as opposed to two. The reasoning behind this decision is that it's becoming increasingly difficult to attract a second overseas player. Correct us if we're wrong, but you don't have to field two overseas players. It's not an obligation, is it?

We quite like there being so many overseas players anyway. It is a bit rubbish that some are only here for a fortnight or whatever, but they tend to perform well and it's good to have England's younger players up against proven class. There's hardly a dearth of talent for England to choose from as a result of the so-called 'massive influx of foreign talent' anyway. If anything there are still too many players being considered for international cricket.

Also, if there are two overseas professionals, it doubles your chances of making friends with a cricketing celebrity.

It also doubles your chances of seeing one struggling with the weather at Old Trafford in May. Nixon McLean's approach was to wear a woolly hat underneath his sun hat. We can talk. We were wearing two pairs of trousers when we went to the first match of the season.

Terry Duffin sacked as Zimbabwe captain

Not too sure when this happened but Will at the recently renamed The Corridor says that Terry Duffin's been sacked as captain of Zimbabwe. There's an article at Cricinfo that we're not linking to because it's about Terry Duffin and therefore no-one's interested.

Why are we even writing this post then? Good question. It's a sort of mood piece that keeps the Zimabwe cricketing chaos vibe ticking over. It's been a while since the last one, so you'd be forgiven for thinking that Zimbabwean cricket was on the road to recovery. In reality they've just not played a right lot. The last piece was about Terry Duffin being made captain, incidentally.

Andy Caddick and Darren Gough

The current Essex v Somerset match in the county championship is like an exhibition match for England opening bowlers past. Andy Caddick took 5-82 in Essex's innings and Darren Gough's taken 2-16 so far in Somerset's reply.

Andy Caddick and Darren Gough opening the bowling for England was one of the more reassuring sights for an England supporter in years gone by. It was probably where our love of batting collapses was born. Both were capable of inducing panic on their day, so whatever position England got themselves in, there was still hope.

Andy Caddick had a slightly comedy approach to the crease - all elbows and cocked wrist. Gough's approach to the crease was what the word 'bustling' was made for. When Gough stood in the outfield, he'd sometimes give you the finger while he stood with his hands behind his back. Naughty boy.

We've never made a top ten of cricketing incidents. We probably should do - people like that sort of thing. If we did, there are two incidents that we would definitely include: Darren Gough's hat trick against Australia at the SCG in 1999 and Andy Caddick's four wickets in an over against the West Indies at Headingley in 2000.

We were actually fishing off Anglesea when Caddick took his wickets. At least we presume we were fishing - we were standing by the sea with a fishing rod. There was a distinct lack of fish. Fishing's not our game really. Anyway, we had the radio on and that was enough to make us feel a part of the event. Lord knows what it must have been like at the ground. We were jumping round the beach and probably looked like one of the mentals.

Kumar Sangakkara and Mahela Jayawardene - how best to honour them

We can quite happily write reams about nothing, but give us SOMETHING to write about and we're stumped. We've spent days trying to think what to say about Kumar Sangakkara and Mahela Jayawardene's monster partnership and we haven't come up with anything.

The best we can do is put it in context. Twelve wickets fell for 183 runs and from that point no wicket fell for 624 runs. We've some vague, half-formed ideas about the best number three and four combination in the world, but we're not really ready to put fingers to keys about that yet.

It takes a certain type of batsman to hit 287 as Kumar Sangakkara did or 374 as Mahela Jayawardene did. That not everyone can bat that well is pretty bloody obvious, but to ally that talent to such a level of concentration is something else entirely.

We once wrote an article about big hundreds and sent it to Cricinfo. They didn't want it, which we don't have any problems with because it was so dry the reader needed to be on a saline drip to get through it. We actually passed out twice while writing it and ended up with acute dehydration. Here's a post where we write about that article, bemoaning its standard.

So that makes two posts about one rubbish article that we didn't see fit to publish here and two paragraphs about the record partnership in Tests or first-class cricket.