Damien Martyn announces retirement due to substandard maths

This is a turn-up. Damien Martyn's announced his immediate retirement from all forms of cricket. He's done this in the middle of the Ashes citing a lack of motivation to perform at his best as a reason. Seems unlikely.

Cricket Australia guy, James Sutherland, rather generously confirmed that Martyn would have been in Australia's side for the third Test. Can we speculate that maybe this is a lie? Our theory is that the selectors told Martyn that he was going to be dropped and asked him if he'd like to make a more dignified exit from Test cricket. We could be wrong.

The other reason Martyn gave for his retirement was that the current Ashes series challenges "require people who are more than 100% committed, dedicated, disciplined and passionate about the game."

Amateur mathematicians among you will realise the schoolboy error that Martyn has made here. Could it be that Damien Martyn has been ravaged with guilt at only producing 100% commitment, little-knowing that no-one can produce more. Could it be that Damien Martyn is 100% dedicated, 100% disciplined and 100% passionate about the game and has retired as a result of a mathematical misunderstanding?

He adds that those around him are "entitled to expect more than 100%." They really aren't, Damien. That's totally unreasonable.

Either way, it begs the question: Who's got the craziest eyes in cricket now?

Nicky Boje retires

It's a harsh world where Ashley Giles gets vilified for being a middling spinner who can bat a bit. So how come Nicky Boje was never held in such low esteem. Here's a player who managed to play 43 Tests and averaged virtually the same figure with the ball.

The only possible explanation for Nicky Boje's repeated inclusion in South African Test sides was that they were experimenting to see just how many batsmen they could field before anyone noticed. Because Nicky Boje was a batsman, really, wasn't he? He was probably the best number nine batsman there's ever been.

We've nothing against Nicky Boje per se. We just feel that he's emblematic of South Africa's innate conservatism of selection. Much as Ashley Giles is for England, currently.

Nicky Boje was of course implicated in the Hansie Cronje match-fixing scandal. We wouldn’t be the first to question whether it was physically possible for Nicky Boje to underperform.

Shane Warne's retiring

The word on the street is that Shane Warne's going to retire. By 'on the street', we of course mean 'in the world's cricket media'.

He's called a press conference for today and people who know about this sort of stuff think it can mean only one thing.

We'll save our thoughts for now, in case he's just going to announce how much he hates pommie bastards, on a scale of one to a billion.

We'll just say that our first thought was: 'Ha. How are you going to fill THAT gap, Australia.' Then, after a second of thought, we realised that we were massively disappointed. It really will be sad, if he goes.

Shane Warne retires

To quote a friend of ours: "Shane Warne is so damn Australian, it makes me want to cry".

That pretty much summed up our feelings for the first seven or eight years of Warne's international career. Stupid hair, thoughtless idiot always getting himself into trouble, irritating habit of making England batsmen look stupid. What's to like?

Turns out there's actually a lot to like about Shane Warne. He clearly loves cricket; he's massively professional, in the weirdest sort of way; he's a competitor in the most literal sense; he's wildly entertaining with the bat and utterly absorbing with the ball.

If you're reading this, you doubtless watch quite a bit of cricket. In any game there are passages of play which are less than engrossing. Have you ever been distracted while Shane Warne's got the ball in his hand? It's not just waiting for him to demonstrate each of his deliveries. It's not just that he might suddenly decide to spin one at right-angles. It's not just the ham-acting after each near miss.

When Shane Warne bowls, you can spend a good long while working out what he's trying to do. Every delivery has a reason. What's he trying to find out? What's he trying to do? Is he building up to something? Has he seen a weakness? He's moving the field. Why?

Basically, when Shane Warne's bowling, you don't know what's going to happen. That's why we like sport. If it were totally predictable, why would you need to watch? Think back only a couple of weeks to when he paralysed England during the second Test, taking 4-49 as England were all out for 129. That was the sequel to his 4-31 when England won the fourth Test at Trent Bridge in 2005. England got 129 to win, on that occasion, but it was nowhere near as easy as it should have been. That would be Shane's fault.

We'll finish with the first words we wrote about Warne here at King Cricket: "England require 12 runs to win and have all ten wickets in hand. Shane Warne’s bowling and it genuinely feels like Australia are favourites."

Steve Harmison retires from one-day internationals

This should really have appeared yesterday, but we thought that we'd give Warne his day in the limelight. Always the bridesmaid, that's Shane Warne. About time he was at the centre of things.

Steve Harmison also announced his retirement (of a form) yesterday. He's retiring from one-dayers because he thinks they're crap and because he's rubbish at them. He's supposed to be unhappy with the white ball when it's new. Apparently it swings too much.

We've been reading conflicting things about Steve Harmison's commitment to cricket, recently. The official line is that he's retiring from one-dayers to prolong his Test career, which is a fairly common reason among England players. However, various people seem to think that Harmison will only play cricket for as long as he needs to.

Michael Vaughan's one. In his book he reckons that Harmison will retire as soon as he's got enough money (presumably for life). We've also read a number of predicted England sides for the next Ashes that don't feature Harmison. Nothing's mentioned about his omission and it's as if he'll be past it, but he'll only be 31. He's bowled badly recently, but that's not the way we've read these stories. They read like he'll be unavailable.

Contrast that with his interview in a recent All Out Cricket. He claimed to want to play for as long as he can. He certainly looks pretty happy when he takes a wicket. Sometimes his love of football is overstated, we think. Like he doesn't like cricket at all. A boyhood desire to play football for Newcastle doesn't exclude enjoyment of anything else.

Glenn McGrath retires

Glenn McGrath is going to retire from all forms of cricket after the World Cup. This means that that his last Test will be against England at his home ground of Sydney.

We always hated Glenn McGrath, but he won us over to a degree. We don't exactly love him now, but there's a grudging respect. For years we couldn't work out how this medium-pacer who did relatively little with the ball could take so many wickets for so few runs. 'Relentless' and 'accuracy' are the two words which have appeared in every Glenn McGrath article, but it's not just that.

It's partly his height and the bounce that produces. It's partly his professionalism, always working at his game. It's partly his mind, knowing exactly where to bowl to each batsman - and we mean EXACTLY. It's his ability to judge a pitch quickly and immediately adjust his length.

It's also his near-unique ability to produce all of these things under great pressure. That's partly down to his immense experience these days, but it's the sign of a hugely robust character as well. And you can't fault that action.

The first time we ever saw him bowl live, we were side-on to the wicket. We were struck by how he ran in for a mile, before coming to a virtual standstill prior to his delivery stride. We expected a bit more thrust from a quick bowler, but the results speak for themselves, we suppose.

Australia will be crap now

Thank Christ for that. We were starting to think it would never end.

Every two years we think: 'Right. That's got to be it now. McGrath and Warne have GOT to be retired by the next Ashes and England will be able to cash in.' But they never did retire.

Well now they have and Australia have to somehow replace the top wicket-taker of all time, a man who can take wickets on the flattest of pitches in any situation. They also have to replace the most reliable new ball bowler of all time, a man who would never let them down who's the third-highest wicket-taker of all time.

Quite frankly, it can't be done.

There'll be some good bowlers coming through, without doubt. But they'll be a lot more hot and cold than McGrath and Warne and that will cost Australia matches.

Bowling's the key. Bowling's always the key. Australia have had two of the very best at the same time. The effects are greater than just their wickets as well.

Brett Lee averages 32.43 with the ball. How many times has he been saved from a well-set batsman further denting those figures by Warne or McGrath getting them out. He doesn't have that luxury any more. Next time Mohammad Yousuf coasts past 100, there'll be no: 'Right, enough of this - Shane!' from Ricky Ponting. Brett'll have to plod on. Either that or Shaun Tate can take a turn watching the ball disappear to the boundary.

The batsmen won't like it either. There's a profound psychological difference between chasing 200 and chasing 400. It's unquantifiable, but it's real. Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne have indirectly inflated Aussie batsmen's averages for over a decade. Now they'll have to fend for themselves.

All in all, it's a great weight off our mind. If only there were more great bowlers elsewhere in the world.

Justin Langer retires

"Rewards taste so much sweeter when you have tasted the bitter feeling of disappointment" - Justin Langer

We're starting to get really worried about this site. It's descending into a right cliché-fest. A player retires - we trawl around for a fitting quote that in some way summarises their career. Next thing you know we'll be reproducing the inane banalities that spew from players' mouths in the post-match interviews.

Justin Langer's retiring after this Sydney Test along with everyone else. He's always the bridesmaid, Justin Langer. We don't mean that he's overshadowed by others on his retirement day or that he's always been overshadowed by his more newsworthy opening partner, Matthew Hayden. No, we actually mean that Justin Langer's a transvestite with a penchant for embarrassing wedding-wear.

Justin Langer's career record is really very good. It's only pure misfortune that's cast him in a supporting role, although he doubtless doesn't see it that way. Thinking about it, he's right. He's held his own in one of the greatest ever Test sides and played a massive part in their success. How's that unfortunate?

With one or two innings to go, Justin Langer has hit 7,650 runs at 45.26 during 104 Tests including 23 hundreds

We're struggling to think of anyone who seems to be hit by the ball more than Justin Langer (maybe Graham Thorpe). He's massively brave and resilient. He's also one of the most determined cricketers around. Everything we read about him seems to be peppered with examples of his hard-work and single-mindedness in pursuing his dreams.

Mike Hussey's similar. There really is no mystery as to why some of Australia's batsmen are so good. They practice a hell of a lot and they go the extra mile, wherever it may take them. We're fascinated by people who are motivated. It's a bafflingly foreign concept for us.

Retiring Michael Bevan retires into retirement

Some players, like Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath and Justin Langer, go out in a blaze of glory. They go out with style and everyone remembers the grand event.

Other players sidle out of the back door, forced into retirement through injury. Sometimes these players are also greats.

Michael Bevan has announced his retirement. He's been suffering so badly with injuries this season that he's "finding it hard to get up for matches". In our opinion Michael Bevan was the greatest one-day international batsman of all time.

Being a great one-day player doesn't have the cachet of being a great Test player, as proven by the general lack of coverage of his retirement. Michael Bevan was a great player though, make no mistake.

It's a slightly different type of batting to Test cricket. Like all great players, the way Michael Bevan explains it, it sounds simple, but it's not, so don't underestimate his skill. In a run-chase, Michael Bevan would calculate what was required; work out who he could score off most easily and then, for each ball, he would weigh up the field and pick no more than three shots that would get him runs; then he'd select one according to the delivery.

What was astounding was how successfully he managed this. Time and again Australia would eke home in the last over, with Bevan at the crease. If Australia had batted first, then Bevan was just as adept at gauging what a decent score would be.

We remember his rearguard innings against England in the 2003 World Cup alongside World Cup winner Andy Bichel best, when Australia recovered from 135-8 to successfully chase 205 (Bevan 74 not out). But his finest innings was against the West Indies in 1996. Australia slumped to 38-6 chasing 173 and then 74-7. Bevan won the match with a four off the final ball.

The way Bevan batted was perfect for the one-day spectator as well. It's only a short-term thrill to see the ball dispatched for six. Michael Bevan's way of playing created the best kind of one-day matches. The tension mounts as the overs tick away and it all builds to a giant, nerve-jangling climax.

Of all the batsmen to have ever played one-day cricket, only three have averaged over 50 and only those same three's averages have never dropped below 40. Mike Hussey and Kevin Pietersen are barely starting their careers. Michael Bevan sustained his level of performance over 232 matches, finishing with an average of 53.58.

Some say that his average is artificially inflated by his 67 not outs, but in many way's that's the point. He didn't get out. He got Australia home.

He would have made a fine Test player as well. Ignore people who say he had a weakness against short-pitched bowling. His first-class average was 57.32. He hit 68 hundreds. He was ABSOLUTELY class.

Nathan Astle retires

Nathan Astle has rather surprisingly announced his immediate retirement from international cricket, a la Damien Martyn.

We're not going to write too much about Nathan Astle here, because - without wishing to give too much away - he turns up in a post next week. Suffice to say that Nathan Astle was frequently mediocre, occasionally brilliant and on one occasion, he looked down on 'flawless' with barely-concealed contempt.

King of Spain retires

The King of Spain was a great nickname, much better than 'The Wheelie Bin' for example - another name with which Ashley Giles was branded.

The 'three-dimensional cricketer'

For a good many years Ashley Giles was the least regarded member of the England team. Only a succession of wicketkeepers could rival him for that title, but he survived and managed the rare feat of scoring both 1,000 Test runs and taking 100 Test wickets.

His bowling average of 40 is probably fair though. He was employed as the least glamorous bowler in Duncan Fletcher's sides. A man who 'kept it tight'. A man who bored batsmen out for his wickets. On occasions, on the right pitch, he could rise to the occasion and attack, but it was pretty rare.

But oh how absence makes the heart grow fonder. What England wouldn't do for a number eight batsman who could average 20 now. We just described him as the least glamorous bowler in Duncan Fletcher's sides, but he was also the least glamorous batsman and as such he was handy. Add in his glue-like hands in the gully and here was a cricketer of some worth.

Ashes 2005

Our favourite Gilo memories are almost inevitably from the 2005 Ashes series. They're both with the bat. Giles was primarily a bowler, so in this regard, he disappointed. As a lower-order batsman, runs were a delight. It was all relative to expectation.

The first memory is of Giles and Hoggard seeing England over the line in the fourth Test when every single run felt like a minor miracle. You will never see a finer seven not out than Ashley Giles' innings that day.

Take a look at a replay and observe Steve Harmison waiting to bat. We've literally never seen anyone so nervous in our life. Never. That Giles could so much as hold a cricket bat was a source of wonder to us. Even beer didn't settle our nerves at the time. Even beer, you hear. Even beer.

The second memory is of his career-best 59 that helped England draw the fifth Test and therefore win the Ashes. Again, how did he combat the nerves and coordinate his limbs?

Everyone remembers Kevin Pietersen's innings, but when Giles came in England were 199-7; 204 ahead with 40-odd overs to go. The Australians were sniffing victory.

When Giles passed 50 the crowd went mental. By that point in the series, pretty much everyone taking an interest was ravaged by nerves to the point of dementia, but still. They really, really appreciated what he'd done.

When he acknowledged them and removed his helmet, you can clearly see a tear in his eye, if you watch it again. You'll all accuse us of being a woman, but we liked that.

Good cricketer, Ash. Not the best, but pretty-damn-useful when it mattered.

Brian Lara retires

Brian Lara said before the World Cup that he was retiring from one-dayers at the end of the tournament, but it turns out he's retiring from cricket altogether.

This is far too sad an announcement for a Friday. Brian Lara was quite simply one of the greatest cricketers of all time. He's been King Cricket ever since we started this site. Newer readers will think that we're King Cricket, but our original intention was just to honour the current giants of the game. We haven't updated the King Cricket top ten for over a year now, so maybe we should just quietly retire that feature.

Our genuine awe for Brian Lara is perhaps best expressed in the following posts:

Brian Lara's inside-out drive
Brian Lara hits 501 for Warwickshire against Durham
Brian Lara hits a hundred before lunch against Pakistan
Brian Lara hits 153 not out against Australia

Tomorrow will be his final cricket match and we find ourselves in the same position as always: Wanting Lara to hit a hundred and England to win.

It's the last glimpse of that colossal backlift, everybody. Here's hoping he shows everyone else just how shit they are in comparison.

Inzamam-ul-Haq retires from one-day internationals

Inzamam's fitter than he looks. You don't get to play 377 (soon to be 378) one-day internationals, score 10 hundreds and 83 fifties and play until you're 37 by being a fat bugger who doesn't like practicing or running between the wickets. Or do you?

Never forget that Inzy played a crucial role when Pakistan won the World Cup. You might think his one-day career's been a relative failure - in the last World Cup he made about three runs in the entire tournament and this one's been even worse, one way and another - but overall, he's got a lot to be proud of.

In the semi final of the 1992 World Cup, Inzy hit 60 off 37 balls batting at six (before being run out, obviously) as Pakistan successfully chased down New Zealand's 262 with an over to spare. That was a masterful innings under intense pressure. In the final he swatted 42 from 35 balls to bolster Pakistan's score - one which they successfully defended.

It's a shame he's going out on such a low, but it's hardly surprising that Inzy's retiring. At least it should give Pakistan a chance to find a new middle-order batsman to fill the huge hole he'll leave in the Test team. Hopefully his Test career will end in a more appropriate fashion.

Anyone who doesn't love Inzy is no friend of ours.

Here's our favourite Inzamam run-out story. Everybody's got one.