Mark Cosgrove: Batsman, mathematician, scholar

Mark Cosgrove has today described Darren Lehmann's eternal abilities, while being interviewed about South Australia's hopes for the season:

"He somehow always makes 1,000 runs. Even if he seems to have the worst year, you look at his figures and go, 'he actually still got 800 runs'."

What's making us point out that Mark Cosgrove doesn't know that 800 is less than a thousand? It's a fairly innocuous thing - a verbal slip, at most. Would we be reporting this if it were any other player?

It's because he's a little bit fat, isn't it? Any excuse for a post on a fat cricketer.

Darren Lehmann should go for the record

Darren Lehmann has 261 not out from 302 balls. It's his highest score for Yorkshire. David Hopps in the Guardian says that this is Lehmann's final game for Yorkshire. Perhaps it's his final game for anyone - we don't know. Well what better way to go out than to break Brian Lara's first-class record of 501.

Okay. It's a long way off, but it's not unreasonable. Yorkshire need to score more points in this match than their opponents, Durham, to survive in the first division. They don't actually need to win. Besides, we've only had one day's play and Lehmann's well over half-way there. He's a fast scorer and we're sure he could up it a notch if he were in with a shout.

We wouldn't bet against Darren Lehmann. Also from that same David Hopps article, Darren Lehmann has hit 8,532 runs for Yorkshire at 66.66. That's just monstrous. How this guy only played 27 Tests is beyond us.

Failing the 501, Darren's own highest score is 301.

Sorry to keep going on about him, but we're just not sure that you're getting EXACTLY how much better than other batsmen Darrenn Lehmann is. You have to ask yourself: How much more better could he be? The answer, of course, is 'none'. None more better...

You know that we're just messing about with the previous paragraph, don't you? We're not actually illiterate.

Darren Lehmann's Roses hundred

Darren Lehmann's always the stand-out performer in any big game and he hit a hundred for Yorkshire in the current Roses match.

Lancashire are there or thereabouts for their first championship title since the Spanish armada, so this is one scorecard it's worth keeping an eye on.

Yorkshire are 344-9 after day one. Glen Chapple's been the pick of Lancashire's bowlers with 3-59.

Mark Cosgrove double hundred

We're going to have to admit to ourself that we've a penchant for fat cricketers. Rob Key, Inzy, Darren Lehmann, Ian Austin - the evidence is really stacking up. Well by that rationale we'd better add Mark Cosgrove to the list.

Mark Cosgrove is nicknamed 'Baby Boof' for his resemblance to his South Australia team mate Darren Lehmann or 'Boof'. We asked our Australian friend why Darren Lehmann was called 'Boof' but he never really gave us a satisfactory answer. Anyway, Baby Boof, Mark Cosgrove, hit 233 not out off 258 balls for Glamorgan against Derbyshire yesterday. Big hundreds are where it's at. We're not sure about his face though.

He's obviously class. Darren Lehmann says he could win Australia a World Cup. The jury's out though because of the face. Although there is the fat factor...

Darren Lehmann wins one-day Roses match for Yorkshire

That Darren Lehmann finished the match as the most successful bowler was a slight surprise; that he finished as the most successful batsman was nothing of the sort. He hit 92 off 69 balls. He’s demonstrably a class above everyone else plying their trade in county cricket.

We’d say that he was Australia’s second-best batsman after Ricky Ponting, which would put him in the top ten in the world. We don’t know what we’re saying by this. We’re just in awe of Darren Lehmann. Maybe that’s what all we’re saying. Maybe that’s all there is to say.

We'll try and shut up about him now. We know that we tend to get a bit carried away with things. Particularly when the player in question's a little bit fat. What is that? Why are we so swayed by it?

Next week, here at King Cricket: We write 25,000 words on why Ian 'Fatty' Austin was the greatest military-medium bowler of all time.

Do cricket fans dream of fat cricketers?

You may not believe this, but it's equally possible that you will: We genuinely dream about overweight cricketers. Last night it was Darren Lehmann's turn. We'd like to dream about women or something, but for some reason, we don't get a say in it, even though it's our brain that's responsible.

Darren Lehmann From Dreams doesn't like being touched on his right shoulder. He'd just finished compiling a typically classy hundred for Victoria (does he play for Victoria at the moment?) and his batting partner put his arm around him to congratulate him. "Don't touch me there," said Darren Lehmann From Dreams.

We've always thought that, like most Australians, Darren Lehmann would be an easy-going sort of bloke. Darren Lehmann From Dreams seemed kind of grumpy. We spoke to him after his innings, which was compiled entirely during twilight for some reason. We thought we'd try and lighten the mood by cracking a joke about certain county teams trying to pick up extra bowling points by playing on sub-standard pitches. Darren Lehmann From Dreams didn't crack a smile. We can't say we blame him. He said that he didn't think anyone was doing that.

Darren Lehmann should still be playing for Australia

Underrated Mal Loye has scored a hundred in today’s Roses match. We fully expect Darren Lehmann to do likewise when Yorkshire bat. Words can’t describe how much we think of Darren Lehmann. That he isn’t mentioned in the same breath as Lara and Tendulkar confounds us daily.

If Australia are going to persist with their policy of reverting to older players when they’ve got perfectly good younger ones hanging around getting into mischief, they may as well do it properly. That is to say that they should pick Darren Lehmann again. He’s probably retired from international cricket, we’re not sure, but who cares anyway. He’s magic. Lehmann’s worth half a dozen Damien Martyns and he could offer Ponting a bit of tactical advice too.