Damien Martyn fails to see what all the fuss is about

People batted. People got out. There were precious few runs and they came slowly and attritionally. Except for Damien Martyn, who flicked the ball about like a man playing a familiar computer game on 'easy'.

Damien Martyn has always been a class act, but England fans shouldn't worry. He has an amazing knack for getting himself out in the most surprising and innocuous ways in Tests. It's the price he pays for being able to see into people's souls.

Damien Martyn again

Australia knocked India out of the Champions' Trophy yesterday. We watched most of India's innings and they never really got going. You always thought that 249 probably wouldn't be enough. And it wasn't.

Australia chased it down with no real difficulty. Again, the top-scorer was Damien Martyn with 73 not out. We've never watched Damien Martyn bat in a situation where we weren't desperate for him to get out, so we've never really appreciated his style. We're dimly aware that he's 'classy', but we usually overlook that and just call him names whenever he's on TV.

Earlier, Glenn McGrath bowled his first four overs for just four runs and although he was still a bit pedestrian, Aussie fans shouldn't worry about the guy. There's definitely no danger of his being dropped for Nathan Bracken.

Damien Martyn joins the campaign to persuade Gilchrist and Ponting that they're middle-aged

That's Damien Martyn in the middle. He's saying: 'Come on guys. Enough's enough. I've two nice, comfy armchairs with your names on, back at the home. I'll put the kettle on and you can have a bit of a doze. Someone'll wake you up mid-afternoon and we can have a game of bowls'.

We will quite simply NEVER TIRE of publishing pictures of Australian cricketers standing next to people who are older than they are and saying that the older-looking person is a team mate. It's the best game ever invented.

Damien Martyn announces retirement due to substandard maths

This is a turn-up. Damien Martyn's announced his immediate retirement from all forms of cricket. He's done this in the middle of the Ashes citing a lack of motivation to perform at his best as a reason. Seems unlikely.

Cricket Australia guy, James Sutherland, rather generously confirmed that Martyn would have been in Australia's side for the third Test. Can we speculate that maybe this is a lie? Our theory is that the selectors told Martyn that he was going to be dropped and asked him if he'd like to make a more dignified exit from Test cricket. We could be wrong.

The other reason Martyn gave for his retirement was that the current Ashes series challenges "require people who are more than 100% committed, dedicated, disciplined and passionate about the game."

Amateur mathematicians among you will realise the schoolboy error that Martyn has made here. Could it be that Damien Martyn has been ravaged with guilt at only producing 100% commitment, little-knowing that no-one can produce more. Could it be that Damien Martyn is 100% dedicated, 100% disciplined and 100% passionate about the game and has retired as a result of a mathematical misunderstanding?

He adds that those around him are "entitled to expect more than 100%." They really aren't, Damien. That's totally unreasonable.

Either way, it begs the question: Who's got the craziest eyes in cricket now?

Damien Martyn still scares us to our very core

Holy Mary, Mother of God! Look at his eyes!

We were innocently looking through pictures of Damien Fleming - attempting to find proof that he'd been using Damien Martyn's 'I can see into your soul technique' on the BBC - when what should we find? Only a picture of Damien Martyn doing the eyes TO THE MAX.

We don't use the phrase 'to the max' very often, but if this isn't 'to the max' what is? Never mind Damien Fleming, he'll never outdo the master.

Curse Damien Martyn. His pernicious eye-tentacles of intimidation reach into our soul still.

Kallis shatters South African hopes by playing in Twenty20 match.

It turned out that all-rounder in name only, Jacques Kallis, did play in the Twenty20 match against Australia.

He scored 15 before being run out and conceded a miserly 17 runs off the single over he was permitted to bowl.

Damien Martyn neglected to give his wicket away on this occasion and must have successfully stared out South Africa’s bowlers using his patented ‘I can see into your soul’ technique, as he managed to score 96 off only 56 deliveries.