Inzamam stands firm

Tell you who wouldn't have buckled like a belt during Australia's final day assault at Adelaide: Inzamam-ul-Haq. There's a man who doesn't panic under pressure. 'Why panic,' he asks, 'when I could just stand here and hit cricket balls for a bit?'

Whether it's supreme mental conditioning or just the fact that he can't be bothered expending the energy, Inzamam-ul-Haq never flaps. Today Pakistan bowled out the Windies for 151 and then did their utmost to make a game of it when they batted themselves. They lost eight wickets, but Inzy saw them home with 42 not out.

When the Martians come to get us, we hope that Inzy's the King of the world. We need someone in power who'll treat the whole thing as a non-event.

Inzamam-ul-Haq holds his balls

Sometimes you don't need a clever caption.

Inzy's final one-day innings

Inzy was just dismissed for 37 off 35 balls in his final one-day innings. The crowd gave him a standing ovation, the Zimbabweans applauded him and the rest of the Pakistan team gave him a guard of honour.

Why is everyone in the world of cricket trying to make us cry at the moment? We hate emotion. We're only familiar with emotions like 'angry' and 'hungry'.

We're going to ignore this and concentrate on something else. Our tea's not ready and we know how we feel about THAT.

Inzamam-ul-Haq retires from one-day internationals

Inzamam's fitter than he looks. You don't get to play 377 (soon to be 378) one-day internationals, score 10 hundreds and 83 fifties and play until you're 37 by being a fat bugger who doesn't like practicing or running between the wickets. Or do you?

Never forget that Inzy played a crucial role when Pakistan won the World Cup. You might think his one-day career's been a relative failure - in the last World Cup he made about three runs in the entire tournament and this one's been even worse, one way and another - but overall, he's got a lot to be proud of.

In the semi final of the 1992 World Cup, Inzy hit 60 off 37 balls batting at six (before being run out, obviously) as Pakistan successfully chased down New Zealand's 262 with an over to spare. That was a masterful innings under intense pressure. In the final he swatted 42 from 35 balls to bolster Pakistan's score - one which they successfully defended.

It's a shame he's going out on such a low, but it's hardly surprising that Inzy's retiring. At least it should give Pakistan a chance to find a new middle-order batsman to fill the huge hole he'll leave in the Test team. Hopefully his Test career will end in a more appropriate fashion.

Anyone who doesn't love Inzy is no friend of ours.

Here's our favourite Inzamam run-out story. Everybody's got one.

Inzamam-ul-Haq steps down as Pakistan Test captain

It's all-change for Pakistani cricket. The chairman's resigned, as have the selection committee. Inzy's resigned as the Test captain and most painfully of all, their coach, Bob Woolmer, has died.

There was talk of a breakdown in relations between Inzy and Bob Woolmer in the aftermath of the ball-tampering shenanigans at the Oval last summer, but the two of them always seemed to be quite a team. We don't give any credence to those rumours.

At the press conference announcing his decision to step down as Test captain, Inzy apparently struggled to hold in his emotion. According to the BBC's Alison Mitchell, Inzy recounted how he had told Bob Woolmer that he would discuss his own future with him tomorrow. “Tomorrow” Inzy said, “never came.”

Doubtless Inzy had already made his mind up to step down as captain, but we wonder whether this was based on Bob Woolmer's anticipated absence - it seems as if Woolmer had already resolved to leave his role prior to his demise.

Matthew Hayden slanders Inzy

Matthew Hayden, speaking to the press about breaking his toe during his Australian one-day record innings of 181 not out said:

"I felt like Inzamam-ul-Haq, with a runner."

This is a foul slur. Everyone knows that Inzy always runs himself out. He never has assistance.

Hayden went on to add:

"It was tremendous. I don't know why I haven't pulled this card earlier."

Which is a joke. From Matthew Hayden. This is highly disappointing. It makes him seem human. Agreeable even. Thank the Lord for the whole slagging-Inzy-off thing, otherwise we'd be terribly conflicted.

8 - Inzamam-ul-Haq

Once waded into the crowd to try and hit a spectator with his bat because they called him Aloo (potato) just like everyone else in the world does.

Runs people out for fun. Doesn’t bother with anything as mundane as practice. Bats like someone who doesn’t know what all the fuss is about – even when there’s a really big fuss.

Looks like a big cuddly bear, unlike Matthew “Ain’t-Even-Seen-The-Top-Ten” Hayden, who looks like the kind of bear who likes eating human faces.