Hayden and Langer meet up to prepare for the Ashes

Ha ha ha. Australia's players are old. Ha ha. Much older than England's.

This joke would have made more sense if Matthew Hayden had been wearing a grey wig or something. You get the idea though - Australia's players are old. This is officially our second best post that's about a picture of Matthew Hayden.

We're being deliberately unfunny in an ironic sort of way. No, really.

Look at his Nazi-looking family at the bottom

"I have never known anyone enjoy their cooking as much as my mate Haydos" - Justin Langer.

There's a recommendation. One, would you put the name 'Haydos' on the front of your book? Two, what sort of an authority is Justin Langer? Three, how impartial is he?

Matthew Hayden was bitten by a dog the other day. We should really lay off him. He hasn't even done anything, really. We're not quite sure what's driving us.

"Just write 'hold other end' - that should do the trick"

For all we know, Matthew Hayden's a genius, although his quotes tend to indicate otherwise.

Anyway, he's better at cricket, cooking and surfing than we are. Plus, he's massively more successful. We've got to pretend we're superior to him in some way. What are we going to do? Ask him to highlight the differences between the Central Lancashire accent and that of Manchester with reference to diphthongs?

No. We're not going to do that. We're going to make weak jokes at his expense instead. And if you think that this one's weak, we've barely started.

Matthew Hayden drops from notch one

"The Platinum Club is basically the top-order batsmen - the 'engine room', we call ourselves - plus one of the interior decorators in Damien Martyn. The fast bowlers aren't invited." - Matthew Hayden

Berk.

To think that it was only yesterday that we were wondering whether we were wrong about Matthew Hayden; that maybe he was actually an all right bloke. And it was only a few days before that that we decided that he'd gone up a notch.

The Platinum Club: You can't give yourselves a name like that. You don't get to pick your own nicknames. Ask anyone. Nicknames are humiliating because nobody wants to make their mates sound cooler than themselves. Most probably Matthew Hayden's real nickname revolves around his giant arse.

Suggestions are welcome.

Matthew Hayden is a complete wuss

Define 'cheap shot'...

Matthew Hayden's got a broken finger. His coach says: "He'll wear a brace, a little plastic brace that our physio has made up for him. The concern was whether they could get the brace to fit properly, and get some sort of comfort for Haydos."

Ahh. Poor little lamb. Needs a FingaBendaMenda to play cricket.

We've never broken a bone in our entire life. We bruised a knuckle by inadvertently punching the floor when trying to remove a nail from the skirting board about two months ago and we're still whinging about it like the puny, pommy girl we are.

We don't care. We'll still call Matthew Hayden a wuss. That brief moment of reflection where we felt that maybe we were being hard on Matthew Hayden seems to have passed over without effect anyway.

Matthew Hayden is duller and less popular than his fishing rod

In an interview with The Australian (newspaper), Hayden describes how he saw a group of people fishing off the rocks near the team hotel in Galle when Australia were on tour in Sri Lanka once.

"I noticed they were catching little mackerel so I took my fly rod down to the rocks and within the space of 10 minutes I reckon I had close on 300 people watching," Hayden recalled this week.

"I was thinking, 'this is good, they're obviously keen followers of cricket'. But no-one knew who I was. They were looking at my fly rod. They invited me back to their village to show off this rod. It wasn't me at all."

We're going to have to stop reading things about Matthew Hayden. He doesn't come across too badly in this interview. We're not having that. It was bad enough when we started liking Brett Lee. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

Matthew Hayden pleads with team mates to act their age

That's Hayden in the middle. Having previously reconciled himself to the ageing process, Hayden is now trying to persuade his teammates to be just as accepting, but to no avail.

Just because you're sportsmen doesn't mean you're young enough to wear tracksuits or, heaven forbid, sunglasses on your head. That's strike two against Gilchrist and Ponting. You're both well into your thirties. There's no shame in a sensible pair of action slacks and a turtle-necked woolly jumper, you know.

They could be wearing those clothes because they're extra comfy, we suppose, but it's unlikely. They look to be a bit of a snug fit and have an air of trendiness which is entirely inappropriate.

Curse you Hayden; curse you Symonds

So England are getting battered. Andrew Symonds, who we like, but don't rate as a Test player, has scored 154 not out and thus made us look stupid. Matthew Hayden, who we don't rate and hugely, undeniably, steadfastly DO NOT like hit 153 and made us incandescent with rage.

One of the only joys during this series has been watching Aussie 'legends' drop like flies (they're not legends, because you can be certain that they exist). Damien Martyn went. Warne's going. McGrath's going. Matthew Hayden was scratching round like the next Mark Lathwell. Maybe he would go and at a fantastically low ebb as well. It doesn't look like it'll be that way.

Of course on the other hand, this is probably the kind of innings that will convince Hayden that he's still 'got it' and he can therefore continue his humiliation for another year - if the selectors permit him. What he's really got is a Michelin Man torso and a divine gift for talking bollocks.

England 159 all out
Australia 372-7

A Matthew Hayden quote that could be construed as being a bit homosexual if you try really hard

"We are always getting the pressure from behind us... I love playing with these blokes, and to me, I'm just not ready to let it go just yet."

Remember when we had something to say on this site and we got excited about stuff? It seems a long time ago, doesn't it? That's what happens when you combine dark winter nights with crushingly inevitably England defeats. We wilt.

Somebody send us something to cheer us up. A cheque or booze or something like that.

Matthew Hayden shows his true colours - the colours of a bastard

Things we hate about Matthew Hayden:

His face
The way he stands
Everything he ever says

Just as we were convincing ourself that losing the Ashes 5-0 wasn't the worst thing that could ever happen, up steps Matthew Hayden to remind us that actually, it IS just about the worst thing that could ever happen. And then some.

Here's the first bit of what he said, which made us eat an entire duvet through frustration:

"Nothing was going to stand in the way of this Australian side, It has the ability, it has the talent, plus the respect for the game."

Ignoring the fact that 'respect for cricket' isn't a particularly key ingredient for success, the sky-high arrogance is kind of meaningless after the fact. Before the Ashes it would at least make sense. This is just needless. It smacks of, of... of bastardliness.

Here's the second bit of what he said, where he reveals himself as a moron, uncomfortable with his mother tongue. He's describing how winning in India was more satisfying than this Ashes victory:

"The capacity to win in another country under duress of opposition tactics and their entire country was perhaps the best team result that we've had."

Matthew Hayden plumbs new depth of idiocy with verdict on England's one-day side

"I think they are a good one-day outfit."

Urgently needed: Matthew Hayden quotes that make him sound like a bastard

We're still easing ourself back into the King Cricket hot seat. What better way than to find a quote by Matthew Hayden, take it out of context and make him sound either stupid, arrogant, stupid, very stupid or stupid?

Unfortunately, the best we can find is him describing Andrew Flintoff as "a bloody remarkable character". That's no good.

This follows on from a dream we had the night before last. In it we were having a few beers at a barbecue with a number of Australia's retired or soon-to-be-retired.

Damien Martyn was a little bit aloof and creeped us out with those eyes of his, so we spent most of our time with Hayden, which was a bit awkward, because he knew all of the mean things we'd said about him.

We persuaded him that those particular updates could have been about anyone and that really he was no more than a pantomime villain. He accepted our feeble excuse like the gullible no-mark he is. Then he told us lots of truly fascinating things about his experiences facing the finest bowlers in the world - really detailed stuff. We hung on his ever word.

We awoke feeling very conflicted. Please send irritating quotes so that we can settle back down to hating him without question.

An appeal for no genitals

The little-known mode of dismissal 'no genitals' occurs when a member of the fielding side takes the field without their reproductive organs.



Shane Warne, having just bowled a delivery to Andrew Strauss, notices that Matthew Hayden has no genitals and consequently appeals. The other fielders join in, Hayden indicating that he is the subject of the appeal by thrusting his groin towards the umpire.

'No genitals' had been a rarely used mode of dismissal up until the 2005 Ashes series when it had to be withdrawn as the Australians came to rely on it as almost their sole means of dismissing opposing batsmen.

A certain amount of credit/guilt for this update should go to former Goodie, Tim Brooke-Taylor who described an appeal for LWB (large white baggies) in his book 'Tim Brooke-Taylor's Cricket Box'.

Photo of Matthew Hayden successfully defending one of his stumps

Look at that huge, hairy chest. It's almost bear-like. That gormless expression's pure sub-moron though.

Batting without a helmet's one thing, but a trouser of some form wouldn't go amiss.

Matthew Hayden gibberish of the day

"Day in, day out, this side just desperately wants to complete its skills and give itself every chance to play good cricket."

Matthew Hayden's World Cup hundreds are all part of the script

This World Cup better obey the rules of drama. The bad guy will be built up and built up and then ultimately humiliated in the glorious final act.

Matthew Hayden has only gone and scored ANOTHER bloody hundred (admittedly, it was days ago - we weren't desperate to update about it). How? He's about 58 years old now and he's so burly and unathletic he can barely walk.

Just watch him tottering along trying to take the singles. We're not sure whether it's the oversized chest or the ridiculous fat head, but he looks massively top-heavy - like at any moment he might come crashing to ground, like a beaten T-Rex, a bestial roar of anguish bellowing from his whale-sized lungs.

It's about time one of the teams let a fast bowler at him. He escaped Shane Bond on Friday and didn't have to face Lasith Malinga before that (or Chaminda Vaas OR Muttiah Muralitharan).

Dramatic rules dictate that Hayden and Australia should be at their most arrogant by the final, at which point they'll be soundly beaten.

Matthew Hayden flukes a couple of runs

Start new post. Write 'Matthew Hayden' in title box and leave rest until later. Sigh audibly.

Do image search for 'Matthew Hayden'. Wince at row upon row of pictures of his stupid, fat face. Select an ambiguous one where Hayden supporters will think he's hitting a six, but more sentient readers will think he's taken one in the head.

Open Australia v West Indies scorecard. Visibly recoil at the horror.

Find Hayden's record over the last few matches. Have to turn head on one side and close one eye to conceal fastest-ever World Cup hundred which DIDN'T HAPPEN. No, it didn't. No, it didn't. No, it didn't. No, it didn't.

Return to title and add embittered ending. Smile outwardly at the unbelievable punishment being dished out to the man. Cry inwardly.

Cry outwardly.

Matthew Hayden slanders Inzy

Matthew Hayden, speaking to the press about breaking his toe during his Australian one-day record innings of 181 not out said:

"I felt like Inzamam-ul-Haq, with a runner."

This is a foul slur. Everyone knows that Inzy always runs himself out. He never has assistance.

Hayden went on to add:

"It was tremendous. I don't know why I haven't pulled this card earlier."

Which is a joke. From Matthew Hayden. This is highly disappointing. It makes him seem human. Agreeable even. Thank the Lord for the whole slagging-Inzy-off thing, otherwise we'd be terribly conflicted.

We Still Don't Play For England

Last night we thought that we were bowling at hypocritical God-squadder Matthew Hayden in the Ashes.

We had a decent shout for LBW against him, although it was probably drifting down leg-side. When we turned round to appeal, we realised that the umpire was Spider-man.

Spider-man is not one of the ICC’s select band of Test umpires, so we knew that we were dreaming and weren’t really an international cricketer.

We were sad for a bit, but then we remembered that Matthew Hayden had been scoring heaps of runs and therefore England had an easy wicket come the next Ashes. Now we’re happy again.

8 - Inzamam-ul-Haq

Once waded into the crowd to try and hit a spectator with his bat because they called him Aloo (potato) just like everyone else in the world does.

Runs people out for fun. Doesn’t bother with anything as mundane as practice. Bats like someone who doesn’t know what all the fuss is about – even when there’s a really big fuss.

Looks like a big cuddly bear, unlike Matthew “Ain’t-Even-Seen-The-Top-Ten” Hayden, who looks like the kind of bear who likes eating human faces.