Shane Watson in puny immune system shocker

Shane Watson's been rushed to hospital with chest and stomach pain. It's been diagnosed as gastritis. Apparently several of the Australian squad have had stomach complaints.

Who'd have thought that a load of westerners' puny immune systems would struggle in India. This must be a first.

When we were in India we spent a good proportion of one overnight train journey losing our last shreds of dignity in a particularly violent bout of both-ends-itis. Strangely we've never recovered those dignity shreds, despite otherwise making a full recovery.

"BendaMenda" - guy gives elbow brace stupid name and flogs it as a specialist bowling tool

The BendaMenda basically holds your arm straight so you can't chuck when bowling. The guy who 'invented' it, an Aussie called Mike Middleton, is having it released worldwide in January.

He says the biggest market for the product is in Asia. It isn't clear whether he's saying this because there's more people there or because he thinks that a greater proportion of bowlers are chuckers there. Being as he's not Darrell Hair, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

The BendaMenda slogan is: "Let's get all kids bowling using the BendaMenda" - presumably whether they need it or not. Their slogan effectively equates to: "Let's try and sell billions of BendaMendas by affixing them to children indiscriminately and then passing this off as assistance."

Michael Vaughan could play in the Ashes

But he won't.

Michael Vaughan reckons that he's fit to play again and that he only needs to regain match fitness - that supreme level of physical well-being that can only be attained by standing around on a cricket pitch shouting: 'Come on. Let's get another two wickets before tea.'

There's talk of his being available for the third Test in Perth, but frankly it isn't going to happen.

Much as Vaughan is a crucial part of England's side, particularly as captain, the selectors are unlikely to take much of a gamble when there's so little reason. Already England are wondering which of Ian Bell, Alastair Cook and Paul Collingwood will be dropped - all of whom have been hugely successful this year. If Vaughan were to return, it would mean a second of those three missing out in favour of a player of questionable physical hardiness with no Test matches under his belt for a long time.

On the other hand, if things are going badly, there's Vaughan's record in Australia to take into account. During the last tour, playing in a side who were being massively outplayed, Vaughan scored over 600 runs including three huge hundreds.

Plus, he won the Ashes that time.

Marcus Trescothick to miss Ashes

Marcus Trescothick's 'stress-related condition' has flared up again and he's missing the Ashes. This is mighty bad. (We're not questioning the legitimacy of his condition with those inverted commas, incidentally - it's merely a reference to the predictability of the mainstream media who have settled on that phrase to explain his malaise.)

Marcus Trescothick is like a big, solid lump of familiarity at the top of the order. No, we'll go further than that: Marcus Trescothick IS a big, solid lump of familiarity at the top of the order. The reason why he's attained this status is because he's played heaps of games for England because he's so good at batting. To lose a player of his calibre is a bitter blow.

We wish Marcus the absolute best with his continuing struggle. If there were some way of indicating the absence of sarcasm, we'd have used it there. We're quite capable of genuine emotion, despite the vast majority of this site.

Most likely Alastair Cook will move up to open the batting with Andrew Strauss, thus removing England's selectorial headache surrounding the middle order. However, there is an alternative.

We should probably add that Mahinda beat us to that in the comments on our previous post. We were already thinking it though. Since about March.

Time takes its toll

Throughout the last Ashes series, much was made of the difference in ages between the two sides. This was to be the last time that this great Australian team would take the field in an Ashes series, whereas this England team was going to go from strength to strength over the next few years.

Well that was a load of rubbish, wasn't it? That Ashes-winning England team may never take the field again. Simon Jones, Michael Vaughan and Trescothick will all miss this entire series. Ashley Giles is fighting his way back, although it remains to be seen whether he will be selected.

In contrast, Australia have dropped one left-handed middle order batsman in Simon Katich, replacing him with another in Mike Hussey and dropped one tall medium-pacer in Jason Gillespie replacing him with another in Stuart Clark.

Injury has prevented England from fielding the same side. Injury has prevented Australia from fielding a new one, or at least a new style one. Shane Watson's injury has meant a recall for Michael Clarke and, most likely, the retention of the reliable and accurate Stuart Clark over the more exciting, but less reliable pace prospect Mitchell Johnson.

Andrew Flintoff's ankle injury

England say that Andrew Flintoff has been experiencing 'discomfort' in his left ankle, but that it isn't a concern.

Well we're concerned. It's all well and good to say that he didn't bowl as a precaution, but he's supposed to be bowling. It's a Test match. It's a precaution when you're preserving something for a reason. A Test match IS the reason.

They also try and pass it of as being because of back-to-back Tests. You can't say that either. It's not some roll of the dice that's brought about that situation: The Tests are back-to-back. That's the way cricket is. You have to play according to those rules.

It's clearly time for a bionic ankle, anyway. We don't know why they didn't go ahead with this ages ago. They mucked about before they decided to invest in a bionic knee for Michael Vaughan as well. It shouldn't be that way. It should be: Ankle twinge - bionic ankle; neck twinge - bionic neck; back twinge - bionic back.

Bionics exists for a reason, you know. Mankind didn't create Robocop all those years ago so that England cricketers can just skive matches as they please. England: Heed the lessons of history and implement a policy of replacing body parts with bionic versions at the first sign of trouble.

Michael Vaughan's still intact

England were beaten again today. Let's gloss over that part. In fact, let's completely ignore it.

Michael Vaughan played! And he survived! In addition to this, he opened the batting and played a pull shot. It was like the glory days when England only lost 4-1 in Australia rather than 5-0.

Most cricketing sages are saying that it's stupid that Michael Vaughan's in England's one-day squad and that he's captain. They say he was never much good as a one-day player - which is true - and that he's likely to still be a little preoccupied with his knee - which is also probably true.

On the other hand, it just feels a damn sight better to have Michael Vaughan around looking determined and saying half-interesting things at press conferences, doesn't it? Michael Vaughan's a proven international captain and he doesn't let things slide.

We're happier even if we're kidding ourself. We don't care. Kidding yourself is de rigueur for England supporters right now, otherwise things all get a bit negative and you end up spending a large percentage of your time sleeping because you're not interested in anything except crying and feeling guilty.

We're drafting a World Cup-winning England one-day team at the moment. We're going to ink Michael Vaughan in as opener, even though that wasn't the plan. We've realised that faint positive vibes as a result of harking back to the golden days is a far more realistic target than actually trying to devise a side that could beat another group of international cricketers.

Who should replace Kevin Pietersen?

KP's injured. Don't worry, he should have recovered by the World Cup. Glenn McGrath hit him in the ribs. Ordinarily, being hit by a Glenn McGrath medium-pace special wouldn't inflict much damage, but Kevin Pietersen was advancing on it like a puma. A puma with a bat. And a helmet...

The obvious choice to replace him would be Rob Key, but assuming that England's selectors pay more attention to his indifferent one-day record than his ability to light up the world like ten blazing suns becoming supernovae, who's the more likely candidate?

In one of the least exciting moves imaginable, we'd go for Ed Joyce. Other candidates are Owais Shah, who the selectors don't seem overly keen on and for an outside bet, what about Mal Loye?

Theoretically, Mal Loye would make a decent replacement for Pietersen. He's a fantastic, aggressive one-day batsman with bags of experience who knows his game inside out. 'Knowing your game' is key these days, even though it's always cricket and therefore isn't rare knowledge.

Our reservation with Mal Loye and indeed with virtually all the prospective candidates is that he's never played in a particularly pressured environment. Say what you like about any county match, there isn't a single situation that comes close to international cricket.

It's one of the great mysteries that England can hand out so many one-day debuts and yet still have so few players with international experience from which to choose.

Steve Waugh v England, 157 not out - 10 Great Innings

During the Trent Bridge Test, Steve Waugh had been stretchered from the field with a torn calf muscle. Three weeks later, he was playing at The Oval. As you might expect, the muscle stiffened up a touch.

Australia were hardly in trouble when he started struggling, early in his innings. Waugh had arrived at the crease with Australia 489-3 having opted to bat first. No-one would have held it against him if he'd have retired hurt, but that wasn't really Steve Waugh's style.

Instead, he limped around like a pensioner who's been forced to sit cross-legged for nine hours. He stood in front of his stumps and worked the ball onto the leg side. He threw the bat and clobbered ugly, ugly fours through the covers. It was hideous and unnecessary and he hit 157 not out.

This sums up why we like Steve Waugh for two reasons. One, he was patently as hard as a battalion of adamantium sharks. Two, why give an opponent a chance?

We love that sporting mentality. Why the hell should he make anything any easier for England just because Australia were already crushing them easily? Why give them even the slimmest chance when you can keep them down where they've no chance of winning? He was injured, so fate had already handed England something on a plate. Why add to that?

We once ran a half-marathon with a torn calf muscle. We couldn't do anything for ages afterwards. It bloody killed.

10 Great Innings

World Cup squads littered with players who can't do much at the minute

The world's selectors are awash with optimism. This is partly explained by the fact that they can replace players in their squads if they're unable to play, thus rendering the squad-naming process a bit farcical.

That's the way we understand it anyway. We read words to that effect on the BBC website, so if we're wrong, you can speak to them rather than us. We get enough emails 'disagreeing' with us.

Australia have selected Adam Gilchrist, who will miss 'some games' to attend the birth of his third child. They've also selected Andrew Symonds who's currently injured.

Pakistan have named Umar Gul in their squad as well as Shoaib Akhtar, who's doubly injured - hamstring and knee. Shahid Afridi's also in their squad, despite being banned for the first two matches.

New Zealand have named Shane Bond, who, technically speaking, isn't currently injured, but, you know - it's Shane Bond.

England will most likely select James Anderson, Jon Lewis and Kevin Pietersen, all of whom are injured. Then there's the daddy of them all: Michael Vaughan. Hopefully surgeons will have replaced his entire skeleton and and all of his cartilage with something more robust, like pastry.

Simon Jones is injured

Kind of implies that he was fit at some point, doesn't it?

We hear that he's knacked-up his calf. A medical expert said: 'He's knacked-up his calf.'

The recovery period for a calf-knacking is usually just a week or so, but this is Simon Jones so expect to see him back in action - well - never.

Fast bowling longevity

Do any other England supporters feel like we're not getting our money's worth out of our fast bowlers?

Steve Harmison had his brief period of glory in successive series against the Windies and has since irked us again and again with his inability to once again reach those heights.

Andrew Flintoff's ankle sabotages his every step. Or at least every other one. The latest news about it requiring further surgery seems to bring about in us an awareness of the passage of time and how both his and our glory days might be long gone. At least Flintoff's glory days were just that.

Then there's the daddy of them all: Simon Jones. A man whose entire reputation is built on three and a half Test matches and a complete lack of evidence as to whether these were a flash in the pan.

Contrast this with Glenn McGrath - not fast, but still a strike bowler who managed to appear in 124 Tests, playing until most people's middle-aged spread prohibits standing for any length of time. Once he found his feet at Test level, he never lost them again. Steve Harmison's feet must have been stolen and buried on Easter Island or somewhere.

Shaun Pollock's no longer quick, but he's made up for it with accuracy. Wasim Akram went a similar way, but marrying accuracy with unmatched skill. Waqar Younis went out all guns blazing, obviously. Curtly Ambrose and Courtney Walsh are probably still the best bowlers in the West Indies, just as they were when they retired.

In contrast, England's bowlers can't seem to maintain a lengthy period of high-level performance. The reasons are varied, the effect is the same.

Except the Hoggster, of course. He's exempt.

Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif to miss World Cup

Strangely, Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif don't seem to be recovering from injury as speedily as they have in the past. That's the reason why they won't be appearing in the World Cup.

Just to clarify, it's not the drugs thing, it's the injury thing. Nandrolone's ability to aid a player's recovery is not a factor here, because of course Shoaib and Asif weren't found guilty of taking said substance. No wait, they were, but they were let off because they said that they thought it was a kind of boiled sweet.

Both players have opted not to submit drug tests like their team mates, presumably on the grounds that they knew they wouldn't be fit in time for the World Cup.

Either way, they're not banned, they're injured. The beneficiaries will be Mohammad Sami and Yasir Arafat, who confusingly turns out for Scotland half the time.

Abdul Razzaq to miss World Cup

The world's oldest-looking 27-year-old, Abdul Razzaq, has injured himself in training and will miss the whole of the World Cup.

We're a great fan of Razzaq's schizophrenic batting - either blocking for hours or repeatedly launching giant sixes - and we're as sad that he's missing the World Cup as we are that Brett Lee will.

But, as ever, this gives someone else a chance and who could be more deserving than Azhar Mahmood? No-one's quite sure why Pakistan's selectors turned against him, but now here he is going to the World Cup out of nowhere. We bet he's right chuffed, or whatever the Pakistani equivalent is.

Returning to Razzaq, as he says himself: 'I am simply devastated. One moment we are practicing and planning for the big tournament and next moment doctors tell me I am out of it.'

There are some crushing lows when you're an international sportsman. What's the worst that can happen to us prior to the World Cup? The telly goes on the blink? There's always the pub.

Brett Lee out of World Cup

WE'RE disappointed and we're English. Australian fans must be gutted. Brett Lee must be inconsolable.

There are always going to be players who miss out on the World Cup through injury. From a fan's point of view, regardless of allegiance, you just hope that it isn't the most exciting players.

One man's loss is another's gain, however and Stuart Clark will get the call. Fantastic as his fledgling Test career has been thus far, he's no replacement for Lee who's got that all-important one-day knack of making a huge difference in a short space of time.

You can't stifle the batsmen with repetitive length in one-day cricket. It's actually a weakness to be too predictable. Stuart Clark's a great bowler, but his strengths contrast markedly with Lee's.

Brett Lee will have to pass the time with sponsored fun, as in the picture. Wow. He's clearly having a fantastic time, isn't he? We wish someone sponsored our fun. We'd earn pence.

Matthew Hayden slanders Inzy

Matthew Hayden, speaking to the press about breaking his toe during his Australian one-day record innings of 181 not out said:

"I felt like Inzamam-ul-Haq, with a runner."

This is a foul slur. Everyone knows that Inzy always runs himself out. He never has assistance.

Hayden went on to add:

"It was tremendous. I don't know why I haven't pulled this card earlier."

Which is a joke. From Matthew Hayden. This is highly disappointing. It makes him seem human. Agreeable even. Thank the Lord for the whole slagging-Inzy-off thing, otherwise we'd be terribly conflicted.

Brett Lee is a World Cup doubt

Brett Lee badly twisted his knee in a warm-up and is unlikely to play any part in the three match series against New Zealand.

'Hurray', some of you say. 'Australia are even weaker'. No, you're wrong. The best part about the World Cup is that all the best players are in the same place at the same time. Brett Lee's one of the world's best players.

Every missing player weakens the competition. We want to see every single side at full strength and in top form. That's never going to happen, but that's got to be the ideal.

Watch him take six wickets against England in the semi final. We've got a lengthy history of going back on things we've said, so we're not bothered.

England bowlers wanted. Do you have arms? Have you heard of cricket? Apply within.

It wouldn't be the start of an England Test series without desperate scouring for players.

Michael Vaughan's still suffering from dropsy. Ashley Giles has got Crohn's disease. Steve Harmison's got lupus. Simon Jones' artificial limb has got woodworm. James Anderson's really really hungover and won't be fit for at least another month.

There's always a silver lining though. At least there is in our world. In this case it's called Sajid Mahmood, one of our Ones To Watch and one of about a million cricketers who we fanatically champion. He looks set to make his Test debut with Liam Plunkett filling the other pace-bowling vacancy. Plus, if Plunkett plays there's a greater chance that Monty Panesar will play as well. Result.

The knock-on effect is being felt in Rob Key's A team as well as Jon Lewis and Stuart Broad have been called up following Mahmood's withdrawal from that team. Of course all of that pales into insignificance besides Rob Key's latest opportunity to dazzle the world with his unparalleled genius.

The A team v Sri Lanka match starts tomorrow and ROB KEY'S PLAYING. Let's all send him positive vibes... Do it... DO IT... You don't know how..? Just try.