Sanath Jayasuriya retires from Tests

Oh no. It's a tragedy. Benevolent Uncle Sanath has retired from Tests. We'll save a proper career review for when he goes from one-dayers as well, being as that's really where he made his name. Nevertheless, in the five-day game, he averaged 41.76 with a whopping top score of 340. He also took 92 wickets at 33.18, which is pretty gosh darned respectable in its own right.

Later on, let's all mentally picture Benevolent Uncle Sanath unleashing a gunshot square drive for six as we lift the weekend's first pint to our lips.

India v England, second one-dayer - a non-verdict because we're too disappointed to think

Ah nads. It was looking quite good for England for a brief period, but they've lost again. India continue to give them every chance of winning games and England persist in spurning them. In the first one-dayer, England were 117-3 chasing 204 and lost. In today's match, India were 92-5 chasing 227, yet they won. Strange.

Today's troubling teenager, as far as England are concerned, was Suresh Raina, 19, who hit 81 not out. The Indian coaching team have altered his stance so he's nearer the stumps - and indeed the pitch - since this picture was taken. They're still working on persuading their under-19 wicketkeeper to face the right way, however.

Ones To Watch: Graeme Swann, Nottinghamshire

It's make or break for the off-spinning all-rounder this season. We think that his promise will be fulfilled. It better be, because no-one really aims to become a 'fixture' in the A side.

The Northamptonshire native's move to Nottinghamshire shows that he's willing to make changes to succeed. Or something. Maybe his mum chucked him out. He's not got a great deal of hope of making the England side really, but if he picks his game up for a period of time, he may get a chance further down the line.

Any readers in Nottinghamshire should go along to every game and scream: "Come on Swanny!" at the tops of their voices for the whole of every day's play for the entire season. That should do the trick. Don't get put off by his being dropped or by the police or anything.

King Cricket Ones To Watch

We're starting to look ahead to the county season and over the next couple of weeks this post should fill up with links to the King Cricket Ones To Watch. These are England fringe players who we reckon will have decent seasons and who should be aiming to attract the selectors' attention.

We're not totally sure how many there'll be, but the ones we've got so far seem to have been around a while without achieving all they might. Maybe we're just attracted to underachievers. Make of it what you will. Who asked you anyway?

Graeme Swann
Will Jefferson
Sajid Mahmood
Bilal Shafayat
Mark Davies
Mark Butcher
Matt Prior
Rob Key
Tom Smith

For the half-term report cards for these players, click this sentence.

End of season verdicts

Boundaries as frequent as ever for India

Seven fours in seven overs. Thanks for giving us false hope with your 'difficult to hit boundaries' prediction Gus. We're rewarding you with a picture so that people can better imagine the shame and guilt etched on your face.

India v England, second one-dayer

England scored 226 in their innings, which isn't the absolute worst score in the world, but after the first match India will be wondering just what they have to do to lose. Hopefully they'll have brainstormed a few ideas for this match. Maybe their right-handed batsmen could bat left-handed and their left-handers right-handed.

Angus Fraser, who is now an eminently sensible pundit following his career as an eminently sensible bowler, reckons that it's difficult to hit boundaries on this pitch. England only hit 16 fours and two sixes. We're going along with that for now, but we've a suspicion that he should have said: "It's difficult to hit boundaries on this pitch - if you're English". Virender Sehwag will give us the answer, no doubt.

Angus also pretty much rubbished Pietersen's bowling. Angus has seen him in the nets and we haven't, so this is a concern for our 'Kevin Pietersen, all-rounder' campaign. He also says that Owais Shah's a bowler, but only as far as Owais Shah is concerned, so England will have to make do without a second spinner.

King Cricket Top Ten

We've put a link in the sidebar for the current King Cricket Top Ten, but then we realised that we hadn't written it down in its current order, so here it is:

1: Brian Lara
2: Shane Warne
3: Muttiah Muralitharan
4: Sachin Tendulkar
5: Andrew Flintoff
6: Ricky Ponting
7: Adam Gilchrist
8: Inzamam-ul-Haq
9: Shahid Afridi
10: Steve Harmison

For further information on how this is painstakingly calculated, see here, which is an old top ten, so don't get confused by how radically different it is (Ponting and Gilchrist have swapped places since, as predicted in that very post).

Rob Key: Slightly rotund, foetally-featured and funny - our hero

We LOVE Rob Key. As we've mentioned before. We once spent an entire day making up songs about him. (In our defence we were at work at the time. What do you do at work?)

Anyway, Rob's missed out over the winter. Ordinarily he'd be pretty much first choice if there were batting injuries for England, but unfortunately he's been injured himself after shoulder surgery. Here's what our man Rob told the BBC about his recovery and how he'll be throwing the ball come the start of the county season:

"I probably won't be pinging it in from the boundary, but well enough to be as agile and lethal as ever in the ring."

Rob's a little large, you see. A funny quote! From a sportsman! Justifiable use of exclamation marks there, we think you'll agree. Rob Key will be one of our cricketers to watch over the course of the county season. More of which later.

Rob Key posts:
Next

Premature Ashes syndrome

For England fans the Ashes is always the biggest deal, but some people look too far ahead. Geoff Boycott keeps referring to them in his intermittent columns for the BBC and Lawrence 'the Spin' Booth in the Guardian talks of nothing else. Maybe Booth's got a whole host of Aussie mates or something.

In any case, we're far more concerned with the Indian tour, which is the most intriguing of the lot and following that England have to play Sri Lanka and then Pakistan at home. Both of which should be blinding. Read the newspapers and it's as if there aren't any summer fixtures. England could well trip up and that would be a far greater blow to their bid to become the best in the world than any failure down under next winter.

Sri Lanka and Pakistan aren't the most fashionable of sides to the general public, but for cricket fans, this is what it's all about. The great thing about a tour or a Test series is getting to know a bunch of players over a period of time and the fact that, for just a few weeks, the most important nation on earth is whichever you're playing. Our life takes on a West Indian, Bangladeshi or South African tinge depending on who we're playing. We'll get just as excited about the Ashes as everyone else, but only when the time comes.

Sri Lanka v Pakistan, first Test, last day

We're still struggling with this Sri Lanka v Pakistan Test. Kumar Sangakkara hit 185 which was probably about fifteen runs short of capturing our interest.

Pakistan are chasing 458 to win, but being as it's the last day and there's been a bit of rain, it will most likely wind up a draw. Murali's taken both wickets in reducing Pakistan to 179-2. Murali usually draws our attention. What's the matter with us? Maybe it's the lack of villains. Every piece of drama needs a villain, but we like all 22 players taking part, although we'll soon change our tune come the summer when both teams tour England.

We would have won fifty quid if we'd put our money where our mouth is

Five wickets for Warne, we said. Well the bell-bottomed master took six. We didn't get the quick fifty off Gilchrist that we requested but 24 off 9 balls was certainly in the right spirit.

In light of the familiarity of Australia's performers in this match, might it be the case that they field the exact same side at the start of the next Ashes as they did at the start of the last one? Not really. Jason Gillespie's unlikely to get a call-up and looks like being replaced by Stuart Clark. Also, there's simply no way that Mike Hussey's getting dropped any time soon (his Test average is 73.50 so far), even if the demented selectors have done away with Brad Hodge for what would seem to be no reason at all (Test average - a puny 58). Michael Clarke might return, but the Aussies seem keen to have more of an all-rounder at six, so it looks like being Andrew Symonds.

In any case, England are CLEARLY going to win by about nine miles and it'll be nice to see if any of the newer recruits cry like girls when it happens. Our money's on Australian man, Andrew Symonds of Australia.

Flintoff and Pietersen batting together

Andrew Flintoff and Kevin Pietersen were England’s two top scorers with 41 and 46 respectively but they were the prime culprits in today’s defeat. Their partnership was thrilling while it lasted, yet it was totally inappropriate for the occasion. From the position they were in, they should have worked the ball around and ensured victory. Never mind the runs they scored – they were the wrong kind of runs. Both batsmen proved themselves to be as flexible as the moon.

England fans tend to get a little bit worked up about the prospect of Flintoff and Pietersen batting together – some even put the crossword down and put the lid back on their flask in case it gets knocked over during some overzealous applause. On paper it’s great – two of the world’s most destructive batsmen hitting the ball to all parts – but in reality we don’t think it’s going to be a roaring success. We basically think things will degenerate into a tragic alpha male display with each trying to prove that he’s got the bigger horns, the stronger mandbibles and the greater ability to defend eggs from predators.

Neither needs much encouragement to start laying into the bowlers and therein lies the problem. A bit of life from the crowd after a Flintoff six and Pietersen will be more liable to try the same shot himself. Similarly, if Pietersen swishes a couple of balls away on the legside, will Flintoff resist temptation? There’s the crowd factor for one thing – the roars start the adrenaline pumping – but there’s also the ego factor. It would come as a great surprise if either batsman weren’t a little bit taken with their own Superman reputation.

On Test Match Special however, Ravi Shastri pointed to this occasion where Gordon Greenidge and Viv Richards got caught up in a game of one-upmanship. That would be all right. We'd accept that.

India v England, first one-dayer

Welcome to Moronfest 2006. England have just slumped to defeat after being bowled out for 164 chasing only 203. We’re angry about this. The ‘equal rights for bowlers’ campaign doesn’t apply when England bat.

In any case, this wasn’t a triumph for ball over bat. It was a triumph for idiocy. Harbhajan Singh had a great match, taking 5-31 after top-scoring with 37, but he was just a lucky beneficiary after some stupendously bad cricket from England.

When batting second all any batsman should think is: ‘What would Michael Bevan do?’ That’s the great thing about chasing down totals: There’s already a definitive set textbook and he’s called Michael Bevan. At 100-3 with barely twenty overs gone, Michael Bevan would be mentally listing his top ten cakewalks. In the same situation, England contrived to lose.

From that position they didn’t even need to hit any boundaries. They didn’t need to take any risks. Instead they tried to finish the match inside thirty overs. That would have made some statement about England as a one-day team. Unfortunately, the statement they actually made read: ‘We haven’t a clue what we’re doing’.

Sri Lanka v Pakistan, first Test, third day

Having miraculously managed a first innings lead after bowling out Pakistan for 176, Sri Lanka have now reached 242-2.

Murali picked up three first innings wickets and we can now look forward to his spinning out Pakistan on the last day.

We’re struggling to pay much attention to this match even though Inzy, Afridi and Murali are all playing. If anyone thinks they can get us hooked, feel free to try. You can try and summon our pride, if you want, but we recommend the use of fear tactics. Maybe you could threaten to take away our kettle if we don’t focus on the match. That would scare us.

Ricky Ponting racks up another ton and technically so does Hayden

Ricky Ponting's already performed well enough that we've had to include a second picture of him on King Cricket other than the one where his face is cut. We're not giving him a third photo despite his ongoing excellence.

How we wish we'd put a bet on his scoring a second hundred in the match. Some things just seem predestined and Ponting's in such a rich vein of form that this was one of those things. It's not even good form. He's like this almost all the time.

How impressive Ponting is can be measured by our opinion of him compared with our opinion of Matthew Hayden. Both scored a century today. Both have similarly gargantuan batting averages. Only we hate Matthew Hayden. We outright detest him. He's a fraud. He's not a bad batsman, but he's nowhere near as good as his record suggests. 380 against Zimbabwe says it well. Put him up against some high-class swing bowling and he'll always come off second best. He was never the best batsman in the world despite the rankings, he was only ever the best batsman in the world who chewed hair growth-stimulating gum and opened the batting for Australia alongside Justin Langer. Ponting, however, is a man for every occasion and should now be regarded as one of the greats of this era alongside Lara and Tendulkar (but not Kallis - never Kallis).

So, in summary: Ponting - great; Hayden - blessed with far too much luck, chest and eyebrow.

The first Matthew Hayden update

Somebody make Queensland stop

Queensland. Stop. Just what are you trying to do? If you're trying to make us angry then mission accomplished.

900-6 despite a massive collapse from the safety of 878-3. We don't know if Victoria should get some sort of condolences card, but anyone watching the match surely deserves one. Boring, boring cricket of interest only to statisticians. We like statistics, but there comes a point where you have to recognise that it's just a bigger number and nothing meaningful.

The 'equal rights for bowlers' campaign takes a severe body blow. Pakistan have done their bit by bowling Sri Lanka out for 185 and then Queensland sneak up and attack while we're not looking. It's the equivalent of punching out George W Bush and then Condoleeza Rice kicking you in the balls as you're admiring him lying flat on the ground.

Sri Lanka v Pakistan, first Test

Well Pakistan are certainly in favour of our 'equal rights for bowlers' campaign having reduced Sri Lanka to 32-5 at one point. The Sri Lankans have staged a bit of a recovery and are currently 110-5, but that's still a bowling triumph by any stretch. Pakistan are becoming, dare we say it, reliable. Just saying that should nip it in the bud, at least.

We've started to realise that we want each of the Test playing nations to revert to type. Pakistan should be devastating on their day, but each act of brilliance should be sandwiched between two abysmal performances. India should be unbeatable at home, but easy pickings away. The West Indies should be an intimidating bunch of fast-bowling giants. Australia should be a bunch of overachievers with moustaches. Look at the team now. Not one moustache. Messrs Boon, Border and Hughes must be turning in their, er, armchairs. Look at David Boon there. There's a man who eats bears for breakfast and thinks that smiling is gay.

On the other hand, if England return to type, it's batting collapses all the way. Onwards and upwards for everyone then.

New Zealand v West Indies, third Test

The West Indies are in a reasonable position at the moment at 256-4, but once again this has been a disappointing tour for them.

It’s common to depict the Windies as Brian Lara and ten incompetents; a Test team who relinquished their position at the top of cricket’s tree through disorganisation, bad planning and players more interested in their financial well-being than the pursuit of sporting excellence. This is all pretty much true, but in examining the so-called ‘plight’ of the West Indian team, people often go too far.

We’re of the opinion that the well of talent in Caribbean cricket hasn’t dried up. It’s just that rather than overflowing and swamping the selectors as it once did, they now have to actually make the effort to visit the well and lower a bucket. Anyway, enough of this well. We’re confusing ourself as well as sounding like a rank amateur. Let’s put this in cricketing terms.

The West Indies team contains four players who pick themselves: Gayle, Lara, Sarwan and Chanderpaul. What the West Indies selectors need to do is make some sort of decision as to who the supporting cast will be. Most pertinently, they need to identify a first choice bowling attack and stick with it for a while, through thick and thin. We can see the look of absolute HORROR on West Indian selectors’ faces at that prospect. Why be a selector at all if selection takes care of itself? Well look at the successful teams down the years. You can name all eleven players for a reason. They played together time and time again. Partly they played together so regularly because they were the best, but to a degree that was what helped them become the best.

Almost every Test the West Indies seem to field a different side. It’s very reminiscent of England in the Eighties. For those that don’t remember the situation, back to back Tests for a player was a real vote of confidence back then. It’s pretty much the same in the current Windies side. In a sense they’re striving too hard to discover who their best players are and not giving the players a chance to prove themselves. They should ink in some players for the next few matches and decide on them one way or another.

While there’s not much to choose between a few of them, there are three players who we think should be guaranteed of their places: Dwayne Bravo, Fidel Edwards and Jermaine Lawson. But that’s beside the point. Really they should just stick with anyone at all. We reckon that most of the players who have been in and out of the side have been good enough, it’s just that they haven’t been given a chance.

South Africa v Australia, second Test

There’s something satisfying about who’s producing the goods in this match. First sporting goods was Ricky Ponting who is unquestionably the best batsman in the world at the moment, in our opinion. Although now we think about it, Inzy, Dravid, Mohammed Yousuf, Younis Khan and Kallis are contenders. No, Ponting’s still a class above. He kicked off the goods production in this match anyway with a classy hundred.

The next player revealing that he had ‘the goods’ on him that day was everyone’s favourite cricketing equivalent to cocoa spiked with ketamine, Jacques Kallis. He too scored a hundred. Following that, some bowling goods showed up. Brett Lee had those as he ran through the tail before anyone had a chance to say ‘accidental beamer’. At the present time, Ricky Ponting’s back in action, racking up the runs alongside Matthew Hayden. Hayden is persisting with his brand-new workmanlike approach that he recently unveiled.

The point is that these are all familiar names and there’s no debutant hundreds (Alastair Cook) or five-wicket hauls (Stuart Clark). It’s like being back in your own bed after a holiday. It was nice on holiday, but the pillows were probably a bit thick and you kept being a bit frightened when you woke up in the morning. A quick fifty for Gilchrist and then five wickets for Warne please.

England's one-day team

England have just lost their one and only warm-up before the one-day series, but in using eight bowlers, it looks like they were experimenting. So what’s England’s best one-day side then? We’d like to proffer the following XI.

Trescothick
Strauss
Bell
Pietersen
Collingwood
Flintoff
Prior
Blackwell
Plunkett
Harmison
Anderson

So what do you notice? No Michael Vaughan. It’s unfortunate, but it’s also hard to argue for his inclusion in a best XI. He’s never really taken to the shorter form of the game and it’s getting a bit late now.

Ian Bell’s there. It’s not very fashionable for England supporters to like the dorky Famous Five reject at the moment and we’re a little bit unsure about his place in the Test side ourselves, but he’s a canny operator and you need a mix of batsmen who can thump the ball to all parts and those who can work the singles in the middle overs.

Matt Prior’s the wicket-keeper. We really don’t have anything against Geraint Jones. We know it seems like we do, what with the ‘Matt Prior for England’ campaign and all that. We just think that Prior’s marginally the better one-day batsman.

Ian Blackwell’s the spinner. He’s economical and one day he’ll show us that he’s actually a decent and downright vicious batsman. Fat men who hit the ball a long way are what cricket’s all about. Ask cricketing legend and self-contradicting tosspot, Ian Botham.

The other idea that we had was to drop one of the bowlers, probably Plunkett, replace him with Owais Shah and have Bell, Collingwood and Pietersen making up the fifth bowler. Kevin Pietersen really should start bowling again. We don’t know why he isn’t.

So there we go. We’ve solved England’s one-day woes. That team would only get a sound thrashing off India, Pakistan, Australia and maybe South Africa. Not bad.

Ponting up to six in the King Cricket Top Ten

Out for 103, although to Nicky Boje of all people, which doesn't seem right somehow. Ricky Ponting has now matched The Don's record of 29 Test centuries and if we're honest we can't see him falling short of Tendulkar's record, even though Sachin is still going.

This article by S Rajesh at Cricinfo examines Tendulkar's current malaise in addition to those of Brian Lara and Adam Gilchrist. While Ponting is in the form of his life, those three seem to be falling by the wayside. In response to that we have elevated Ponting to number six in the King Cricket Top Ten.

Apologies to Gilchrist. A century tomorrow and we'll undo it. We promise.

Bangladesh wallop Kenya, unlike Zimbabwe

Zimbabwe drew 2-2 with Kenya recently. Bangladesh are 3-0 up. We're not saying anything by that. We're just offering context. It's not that comparing Bangladesh to Zimbabwe is like comparing a glass of champagne to half a mug of weak, cold bovril with a turd in. It's not that at all.

But if you were to compare them, you'd see that Australia-beating Bangladesh have brushed aside Kenya with ease, whereas Zimbabwe were bowled out for 69 when they played the same team.

Today's match was the closest with Kenya all out for 211, chasing Bangladesh's 231. Mohammad Rafique took 5-47. Highlights of the previous matches include Mashrafe Mortaza's 44 off 16 balls in Bangladesh's total of 301 in the first match and Aftab Ahmed's 59 off 31 balls in the second match as Bangladesh overhauled Kenya's 161 after only 23.5 overs.

Sri Lanka v Pakistan - one-day series

One wash-out and two Pakistan wins, but the angle from the King Cricket perspective is the triumph of ball over bat.

Match one was the wash-out. In the second, Sri Lanka were bowled out for 130 and Pakistan lost six wickets en route to victory. In the most recent match, which finished today, Sri Lanka were again bowled out, this time for 224 and again Pakistan lost six wickets chasing them down. The bowling heroes were everyone's favouite human, Shahid Afridi, with 3-37 and everyone's other favourite human, Murali, with 3-58.

Hopefully Afridi's batting will take centre stage in the Test series which follows. We might concentrate on that series more than the India v England one-dayers. We're not all that confident about England's chances in the shorter form of the game and feel that they might suffer as Dravid attempts to prove his worth as captain to the Indian public.

Having said that, Sajid Mahmood's in England's one-day squad. We haven't even started on how great we think he is. It's kind of similar to our feelings about James Anderson only instead of not getting a game for England, Mahmood can't get a game for Lancashire, which is actually even more astoundingly thick-headed, if that's possible. Also we've our fledgling 'Matt Prior for England' campaign, even though we still don't have anything against Geraint Jones in reality. In any case, there's plenty to interest us. Roll on the one-dayers.

The Innocuoso spins England to victory

Can everybody spell 'capitulation'? India have just been bowled out for 100 after being 75-3. Two of those three wickets were lower order batsmen in Pathan and Kumble as well, so that's pretty much the whole Indian top order and two tail enders out for 25. PLUS there were two dropped catches. Never mind 'capitulation'. This was a farce.

We're positively choking on the vast wave of pleasure that's washing over us, but the Indian public won't be best pleased. Rahul Dravid's decision to ask England to bat will be pored over at great length and he won't come out of it well, especially when you consider that the batsman who was asked to face that first ball went on to make a match-winning century.

In terms of India's second innings, Shaun Udal was the hero with the heroic figures of 4-14. Are you ready for how fickle we can be? You'd better prepare yourselves. It's quite something... We love Shaun Udal. He's played a major part in an England victory and therefore joins the ranks of players who we just can't hate.

One of Udal's wickets was a particular highlight. Dhoni, caught Panesar, bowled Udal for 5 doesn't look that interesting on paper, but three balls prior to this Dhoni hit an absolute skier. Monty Panesar dithered around under it. Maybe he lost it. Maybe he thought that the mid-on fielder was coming for it. In any case he didn't lay a hand on it. It was humiliating and the crowd were roaring at him. Fortunately for Panesar, Dhoni, being of a charitable disposition (or possibly sadistic), gave him a second chance with another skier and he caught it this time before the rest of the England team descended on him as if he'd won the entire series.

England will be more than happy with a drawn series (India will be apopleptic). However we do look back on England's own catastrophe in the second Test in Mohali when they batted like 11 crippled badgers in the second innings. If they could have played out more time then perhaps they would be walking away with a series victory.

If we were any good with Photoshop we would have had a picture of Shaun Udal sitting on a throne with this post, but we've never even used Photoshop so instead we've 'borrowed' this picture from the BBC. The BBC's too nice to send people to prison right?

Great Cricketers We Have Known: Ehsan Mani

Not us, but once again our Sri Lanka correspondent, ‘Dad’, and not strictly speaking a cricketer either, but the President of the ICC.

During the presentation ceremony of the Under-19 World Cup final, Dad went into the clubhouse for a look round. When Ehsan Mani returned from the pitch, having presented the Under-19 World Cup, he mistakenly thought that Dad was part of the reception committee and went to shake his hand. Unfortunately for us, Dad absent-mindedly forgot to request free tickets for every single Test match from now until the end of time.

Still, it’s another strong link for the King Cricket team and further confirmation of our acceptance as part of the mainstream media.

James Anderson: He’s not got a ‘knack’ for taking wickets – he’s just good at it

We’re still holding out for an England win with James Anderson leading the charge, but we’re not relishing the headlines if he manages it. We have two fairly major problems with the coverage of Anderson’s return.

Firstly, it is being portrayed as a return to form on top of a return to the side. Anybody who watched James Anderson bowl last year (as we did) knows that he never lost form. Virtually the only bad game he had was against South Africa last winter, which was fairly understandable being as he’d been standing around doing practically nothing for the preceding few weeks. He was only dropped from the Test side in the first place to accommodate Simon Jones. We weren’t sure about that at the time and it has taken a while for us to be convinced of Jones’ quality. However, Anderson wasn’t a bad bowler then and nor has he been since.

Secondly, it is often said that he has the ‘knack’ of taking wickets; that he can get people out with bad balls. This is only a whisker away from saying that he’s blessed with outrageous good luck, which is, if you consider it rationally, complete testicles. If a bowler consistently takes wickets, it’s with good reason – it’s because they’re talented. James Anderson bowls at a decent pace and he swings the ball a lot. He gets wickets with some deliveries which seem too full, but it isn’t a sudden blizzard of fortune that causes the batsman to edge the ball or miss it – it’s the swing.

So, to confirm: James Anderson – not lucky, just good.

India v England – third Test, day four

A day for the purists out at the Wankhede stadium means that all three results are possible going into the final day. You can’t ask for more than that.

India bowled defensively for the most part, which paradoxically gave them the best chance of wickets. Whenever England tried to force the pace, trying to set India a target, they consistently got themselves out. They eventually limped into a lead of just over 300 and had just enough time to dispatch stand-in opener Irfan Pathan.

The Test Match Special team seem to be of the opinion that an Indian win is the least likely result bearing in mind the slow scoring rate of the game so far. We disagree. India have plenty of time to build a platform tomorrow and late in the day they can have a dart at the win if they feel secure. Virender Sehwag was off the field injured for a good proportion of day and consequently can’t bat until five wickets are down, however this does raise the prospect of a partnership with Mahendra Dhoni and with those two at the wicket, no total is too large.

There's no jokes in this post, so you'll just have to make up your own.

England's wicketkeepers swap roles

England's three wicketkeepers have eached swapped identities.

With Geraint Jones taking five fine catches, he is now Chris Read; Matt Prior dropped a sitter at gully while on the field as a substitute, so he becomes Geraint Jones; and Chris Read is now Matt Prior after hitting 78 and 107 in the two A-team Tests (no, they weren't locked in a shed with lots of tools with which to make vehicles and weaponry - not that kind of A-team test).

The suddenly confusing 'Matt Prior for England' campaign.

James Anderson takes his chance

As you can see at the bottom of this post, we reckon on James Anderson winning this Test for England. This is partly inspired by blind loyalty to any Lancastrian player, partly by our prejudice towards young promising players and also by our recognition that Anderson is a decidedly fine bowler who has been messed about by England.

Four wickets for 40, two dropped catches off his bowling and a run out. He's made a decent start. Maybe if he succeeds we'll have a James Anderson party. We don't know what that would entail.

Shaun Udal the innocuoso

400 was a decent score, although it should certainly have been more. Full marks to Owais Shah in particular. It's sad to think that he probably won't be playing in the next Test come the summer.

Bowling-wise, it's 193-6 at the moment and we're guessing that the new ball's going to be taken imminently. James Anderson hasn't yet won the match for England, but he does have 2-18 off 12 overs. Shaun Udal has taken a wicket, but we still think that he's taking up somebody else's place in the side.

We've mentioned before how we think that Udal is an 'innocuouso' and we stand by that. An innocuoso is one who excels in the art of harmlessness.

India v England - third Test, day one

It's a start. 272-3 looks pretty darn impressive, but to win this match England are going to need a few more.

We've never called for the dropping of Andrew Strauss, but we have been disappointed with his winter form, so 128 here felt like a bonus.

One of the weirdest terrace chants we've ever heard championed Andrew Strauss. It was delivered by one solitary, near-lethally intoxicated, fat, shirtless, middle-aged fan at Old Trafford. It was sung to the tune of Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division and referred to Strauss's Waltz.

It went: "Straaauuss. He will waltz you around. Again." To truly replicate the effect you should ever-so-slightly gurgle the 'Strauss' part as you would if you were overburdened with phlegm. You should also sing the chant a capella, throughout the afternoon, to the general ambivalence and mild amusement of your fellow spectators. Nobody should join in and you should never. Ever. Stop. Finally, you should have the look of someone who would never have heard of Johann Strauss or Joy Division, let alone both.

We're a fan of Owais Shah's as well, so we weren't all that disappointed to hear of Alastair Cook's illness. Shah eventually had to retire on 50 due to hand cramps, but he should be back at some point tomorrow.

England should be aiming for a seriously big total, but there's every chance that early wickets will put that beyond them. If that happens expect the energy to visibly sap out of them and India to storm home.

Team-wise, Udal's playing which is a colossal disappointment, albeit an expected one, but to offset that, James Anderson's playing. We're enjoying actually having opinions these days, so we're going to say that James Anderson will win this game for England.

Bowlers 2 - Batsmen 0

We're not likely to get that worked up about him - in fact, we probably wouldn't be mentioning this if it weren't for our 'equal rights for bowlers' campaign - but James Franklin took 5-44 against the West Indies yesterday.

The West Indies are the biggest culprits in terms of the decline in fast bowling, so hopefully they'll respond by bowling out New Zealand for 46 like they used to be able to.

Now Steve Harmison's out... great

Well someone's going to have to play. With Harmison out and a win needed, England will have to pick another bowler. Blackwell's black-listed, so it's probably going to be Plunkett or Anderson.

The feeling was that Plunkett was going to be dropped, so his confidence won't be sky-high and Anderson has had bad experiences in these late emergencies before, like in South Africa last year, where he finished with 2-117 in the first innings.

We don't normally mind the odd injury. It's all part and parcel of international cricket and it tends to give a young player an opportunity. Unfortunately we get the impression that no chances will be grabbed on this occasion. We're still convinced that Matthew Maynard will get a call-up to be honest.

This may sound pessimistic, but come the day of the match we'll be buzzing like usual and kidding ourselves that England will rewrite the record books. You never know.

King Cricket: Century on debut

One hundred is an important number in cricket. Ask anyone who's been out for 99. Well we've made it to 100 posts. We're raising our keyboard now and pointing it to each side of the office. Now people are looking at us weirdly and we're putting it down again. How did we type that last bit? That's not important.

To celebrate our monumental achievement we thought that we'd better return to the initial thrust of this blog: The King Cricket Top Ten. Below is our current top ten. It hasn't changed a great deal since its inception, but it's only been a couple of months. If you click here and scroll to the bottom you can see the original top ten in its natural habitat of January 2006.

1: Brian Lara
2: Shane Warne
3: Muttiah Muralitharan
4: Sachin Tendulkar
5: Andrew Flintoff
6: Adam Gilchrist
7: Ricky Ponting
8: Inzamam-ul-Haq
9: Shahid Afridi
10: Steve Harmison

There's no points system or anything because that would ensure some sort of transparency. This doesn't really stand up to scrutiny. All you need to know is that Harmison's in considerable danger and Gilchrist and Ponting may swap places depending on this Test series against South Africa.

Bowlers of the world: Unite

One of our campaigns is having a monumental impact on the world of cricket. It's the 'equal rights for bowlers' campaign. In South Africa and Australia's previous game, a one-day international, restricting the batsman to a single was considered a bowling achievement. Move into the Test arena, however, and South Africa are 179-9.

Stuart Clark has thus far taken 5-42 on his debut, which isn't bad. We're also reassured to discover that he's 30. Australia are the last remaining international side for whom newcomers are older than us.

Duncan Fletcher hints at Udal's inclusion for the third Test

No. Don't do it.

We'll support him and everything if he's picked. We'll happily eat our words if he hits a fifty and takes twelve wickets. But prior to that we're going to plead for his omission.

It would also mean that Ian Blackwell and, to a lesser extent, Liam Plunkett have had their opportunities and are being rejected. Ian Blackwell is now decreed 'out of his depth at Test level' after his debut and Plunkett's promotion to the Test side has come 'too soon'.

These may turn out to be accurate judgements, but it does seem a little premature in both cases. Test cricket takes a while to acclimatise to. Okay, there's a series in the balance, but what's the alternative? That old gnarl-dog on the right? You may as well give one of these two another match. At least there's an outside chance they'll put in a decent performance.

The ‘Matt Prior for England’ campaign

Marcus Trescothick will not be returning for England’s one-day series in India and England only have one specialist opener in their squad in the form of Andrew Strauss, so it seems a fair assumption that Matt Prior will open the batting as he has done recently. The only other likely option is that ‘the Geraint Jones experiment’ will once again rear its head.

‘The Geraint Jones experiment’ is how the British media refer to the period when England tried out Jones as an opener. We Brits like people to have well-defined roles. Our wicketkeepers must bat lower down the order. Ask Alec Stewart.

“No, no, Alec. Opening the batting’s too much for you after you’ve been standing in the field all day”.

“But what if I’ve just finished batting with the tail having come in at number seven? Won’t that affect my 'keeping?”

“No. Only opening the batting is a problem, Alec. You’re a wicketkeeper now”.

Okay, so ‘the Geraint Jones’ experiment wasn’t particularly a success, but the reaction did seem a little conservative. India’s one-day side seem to have a different opening batsman for each match. Maybe it’s just that they succeed.

In any case, it all points to Matt Prior being England’s opener and this could be a big opportunity for him. During Kevin Pietersen’s A-tour of India back in 2003-04, there were only two other relative successes: Sajid Mahmood and Matt Prior. Being as England’s wicketkeeper is such a hot topic, it seems only a matter of time before Prior gets involved in the debate.

For the most part the debate runs like this: Geraint Jones can bat, but he can’t catch; Chris Read is a good 'keeper, but he can’t bat.

We’ve never really thought that Geraint Jones has had a fair chance behind the stumps. Every mistake is leapt upon as evidence and we’re guessing that it gets to him and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If everyone shut up then it wouldn’t be a problem, but that’s not going to happen. Chris Read’s batting is incorrectly derided as well. He averages 30.16 to Jones’ 34.07 in first-class cricket and that average is definitely climbing. It’s hardly Don Bradman being compared to Phil Tufnell, is it?

Like most England fans, we’re decidedly bored with this debate and the polarisation of opinion. Besides, we’ve got an alternative – a compromise, if you will. You can see this coming, can’t you? It’s Matt Prior.

Matt Prior is apparently a better 'keeper than Jones, although not in the Read class. It would also seem that he’s a better batsman, having scored 11 first-class centuries to Jones’ four and Read’s six. He also averages 37.93, which is superior to either of his rivals. But here’s the clincher: He’s only 24, whereas Jones is 29 and Read is 27.

So this upcoming one-day series is his first real chance, being as he’s almost assured of a starting place and should face enough overs to make a good score if he opens.

In reality we’re a big fan of grey areas and don’t really have definite opinions, but for the purposes of dramatic internet punditry: The campaign to make Matt Prior England’s wicketkeeper starts here.

India v England – Second Test review

We’ve had a day to come to terms with England’s weak capitulation now and here’s what we conclude. Essentially, England gave away their hopes of a win during their first innings and then gave away their hopes for a draw during their second innings.

As we’ve previously mentioned, if England are to get anything out of this Test series they have to make big first innings totals. That they scraped to 300 wasn’t a disaster, but the batsmen who got in should have made more. To give away a first innings lead to a side fielding three spinners was asking for trouble.

Munaf Patel may have polished the job off, but Anil Kumble did the real damage in the second innings. England’s batsmen must have been ruing their first innings efforts as Kumble wheeled in and took them apart. We think we can boil it down to a single sentence. We like to simplify things.

In the second innings England were understandably bad. In the first they were unnecessarily bad.

Okay. Who fancies a bowl? Anybody?

Unbelievable. Un-bloody-believable. Australia scored the highest one-day international total of all time and then South Africa only went and chased it down. The highest ever TEST run chase is only 418. South Africa managed 438-9. The nine wickets indicate how close this went as well.

Australia 434-4 and South African 438-9 is just too much to take in. Let's break it down more simply. For a start, let Mick Lewis never ever again be mentioned in the same breath as Glenn McGrath. Not even in a 'no comparison' sense. Just don't use his name anywhere near Glenn's. His figures of 10-0-113-0 are the worst in one-day internationals. The best bowling figures in this match were unquestionably Nathan Bracken's 5-67 off his full ten overs. Take out the wickets and he was still the most economical. Outrageous.

So let's look at the batting. We can't begin to comprehend the numbers yet. We just don't have any frame of reference. The big ones are the two hundreds: Ricky Ponting, 164 off 105 balls with 12 fours and nine sixes; and Herschelle Gibbs, 175 off 111 balls with 21 fours and seven sixes. To score 434 is phenomenal. To chase it down is, frankly, unbelievable. We mean that in a literal sense. We just can't quite believe that it happened. How they went about the task is a mystery.

In our last post we mentioned playing cricket on our own in the back garden. Try it. Try chasing down 434 on your own. Use as much fantasy as you like. Every mishit can go for four. It's still just about impossible.

But there's another side to this...

The 'equal rights for bowlers' campaign

That's it. That's enough. When Michael Clarke and Graeme Smith are two of the most economical bowlers, something's wrong. It's time to redress the balance.

It's always been a batsman's game, but over the last few years it's started getting out of hand. With spring-loaded bats, better pitches and shorter boundaries, batsmen are having it all their own way. Sure, there are more boundaries and the game's more exciting than ever. We're not against that, but it's reached the point where bowlers are mere cannon fodder. Their art is being devalued.

Most of our favourite cricketing memories are bowler-dependent. Andy Caddick's four wickets in an over against the West Indies; Steve Harmison's dismissal of Michael Kasprowicz last summer; or Wasim and Waqar suddenly taking all ten wickets for nothing after England had reached 200-0 (This happened more than once.). A batting onslaught is great to watch, but it can't match that seat-of-the-pants feel that you get from a batting collapse. A lot of people only like it when their team's batting, but we always feel like we're just waiting for something bad to happen - a wicket. When your side's bowling there's always that chance that the next delivery might bring that sense of elation as a wicket falls.

So enough of this. Batsmen's and bowlers' averages are rising and it has to stop. The campaign for equal rights for bowlers starts here. For a start, let's move the boundaries back to where they belong. Let's see you top 400 when you're scoring in singles.

Tip: Andy Solomons

Thanks to our Sri Lanka correspondent, ‘Dad’, for uncovering Andy Solomons.

Andy Solomons was in the Sri Lankan squad for the recent Under-19 World Cup, but unfortunately, he didn’t get a game. We’re still tipping him for greatness.

He was recently awarded the Observer-Bata Schools Cricket ‘Most Popular Schoolboy Cricketer 2005 Outstation’ award. Not a catchy title by any means, but previous winners include Arjuna Ranatunga, Muttiah Muralitharan and Marvan Attapattu. Sri Lankan schoolboy cricket isn’t of the blue stumps and rubber ball variety with children clumsily swinging bats and giggling. Your average Sri Lankan school side would probably rack up a four-figure score against Zimbabwe. Attempt a cross-bat stroke to a well-pitched up delivery and you’ll be laughed out of town if you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky, you’ll be made an example of on the national news.

Andy Solomons is, according to Sri Lanka’s Sunday Observer, ‘a stylish right-hand bat’ and a medium pace opening bowler. His defining innings as far as we’re concerned was 263 against Lalith Athulathmudali Vidyalaya, Mount Lavinia, which included 24 fours. It also featured a Shahid Afridi-esque 21 sixes. That isn’t a typo. He scored 126 runs by clearing the ropes. Factor in 96 from fours and he only ran 41 out of 263. That’s immense, even if you’re playing in the back garden against yourself. We should know – although most of our innings tend to end when we lose the tennis ball next door after a particularly gung-ho six.

We’ve got some pictures of Andy Solomons, but we’d have to connect our scanner to our PC and it’s a hassle. If you promise to bowl at us in the back garden for a while, we’ll let you have a look at them.

King Cricket's other tips.

Henceforth the second week in March will be 'Murali week'

How many illustrious landmarks can one man reach inside a week? Following his 1,000th international wicket and his 50th five wicket haul, Murali has now taken 600 Test wickets. This is also his 101st Test, so presumably, if our maths is correct, the last match was his hundredth.

Well done on all counts to our man Murali. Hopefully someone will bring him a cake. Maybe even a cake for each achievement... and some cool toys. He deserves some special Transformers that were never available to the public. Come on Hasbro. Honour Murali's achievement as you should.

The campaign to get Murali some extra-rare Transformers starts here.

India v England - Second Test: Day one

We resisted the temptation to do another update at a catchy time like 'just before tea' as we did during the last Test and instead waited until the end of play like you're supposed to.

Andrew Strauss was out for 18 and on this occasion we weren't remotely surprised, which is a worry. It's not even like he's struggling against the spinners. It's the pace bowlers who've got him every time.

Piyush Chawla had his first bowl in Tests at the age of 17. He looks well-set to be Kumble's eventual replacement and following the lanky one's lengthy career, by the time of Chawla's retirement, India won't have had to think about leg-spinners for over thirty years. You don't need heaps of great spinners. Just find one and stick with him. Then find another. It's easy.

Ian Bell was bowled offering no stroke. Shane Warne twice got him with straight ones during the Ashes when Bell left the ball. After extensive video analysis we have come up with a FOOLPROOF strategy to help Ian Bell combat these wily spinners with their nefarious ways: He should use his bat.

India's selection for the second Test in Mohali

A few elements of what we said in our too-long-for-anyone-to-bother-reading first Test review have proved correct in terms of India's team selection for the second Test up in Mohali.

1: VVS Laxman was high on the Indian selectors' dropping list.
2: So was Mohammad Kaif
3: They look like they're making do with five batsmen in order to accommodate an extra bowler.

However, we reckoned on an extra pace bowler, but there's a chance it could be leg-spinning wunderkind, Piyush Chawla. We don't mind being wrong about that if it happens. Tests in India should feature staggering numbers of spinners to English eyes. That's what touring India's all about.

Another day, another Murali milestone

Murali today took his first five-wicket haul while bowling left-handed with his eyes closed after being spun round six times prior to each and every delivery.

Actually, it was his 50th Test five-for. Not bad. He could have saved it for some sterner opposition though. Bangladesh managed a relatively paltry 234 all out, although in response Sri Lanka are 25-2 which is the kind of score that looks promising on paper for Bangladesh, but probably isn't going to end that well for them.

We haven't bothered searching for any post-match quotes from Murali because post-match quotes are usually quite insipid. Instead we're going to put words into his mouth. It's important to remember that the following quote is ENTIRELY MADE UP BY US.

Murali said: "I'm so good, it's just jaw-dropping. I could almost cry I'm that good, but instead I'll just settle for being one of the happiest people in the history of human emotion.

"Many people have presumed that I'm naturally gifted and that I've also worked hard to perfect my art. The truth is that I was once visited by a genial little munchkin who granted me these talents by feeding me a 'special' mango."

So, just to confirm: This is 100% FICTION.

Matthew Hoggard cliché article satisfactorily completed

Well that's that done and dusted. It's out there in the mainstream and nobody will have any excuse for laboured 'honest toiler' references again.

So everyone give, er, Paul Coupar of Wisden a pat on the back for this article.

We're not totally sure how we feel about this. We're not amazed, so we guess that we must be angry. Seems harsh considering he agrees with us, but there you go.

Squad rotation: It’s going to happen.

With a fixture list that’s fatter than a TV-loving, chip-munching hippo with an abnormally slow metabolism, cricketers need more and more rests. We predict the onset of ‘squad rotation’.

Late last year, the All Blacks walloped Wales with one team and then changed every single player in the starting line-up before walloping Ireland. This is taking things too far, but essentially this is what international cricket teams will have to do.

To prevent injuries and to keep players fresh, they will need resting. With match after match after match, soon you won’t see the same XI twice. Coaches will have to build a pool of international-standard players and then ensure that none are overplayed.

If it makes fast bowlers fast again, we’re in favour.

The 'Kevin Pietersen, all-rounder' campaign

With their recent injury record, there’s every chance that England will jump at the chance to select the same side for the second Test at Mohali or they might drop Ian Blackwell who didn’t do a right lot. It seems harsh to judge a player on the basis of one match and we’re not going to, but England might want another seam bowler.

Liam Plunkett would probably be the beneficiary. He’s not a bad bat. He’s scored a one-day international fifty, which is the same as Blackwell, so England’s tail wouldn’t be reminiscent of ‘the Alan Mullally days’ where England seemed incapable of limiting themselves to just one or two number 11s and instead selected bowlers on the basis of batting ineptitude.

If Plunkett did play, Monty Panesar would be the sole spinner… or would he?

Kevin Pietersen was originally an off-spinner and once bowled Nasser Hussain for 103 while playing for Kwazulu-Natal in an England warm-up match, back when he was South African. Last summer he said that he’d been neglecting his bowling and was going to work on it with the aim of becoming an all-rounder. 55 first-class wickets at 47.36 isn’t a great deal worse than Blackwell’s 185 first-class victims at 43.77.

The ‘Kevin Pietersen, off-spinning all-rounder’ campaign starts here.

We start a lot of campaigns and make a lot of statements. Most of them just drift into nothingness. Has anyone noticed?

South Africa - Australia

Why do Australia and South Africa always seem to play their respective home series consecutively? We hate that. There've been a couple more one-dayers now and the series stands at 2-1 to South Africa.

Brett Lee took 4-47 and Ricky Ponting scored 62 as Australia won the third match. We're intrigued by Ricky Ponting's role in Australia's batting line-up at the moment. If Australia's attack looks borderline rubbish without McGrath or Warne then, statistically, Australia's batting still looks exceptional even without Ponting.

However, a Ponting-less line-up was skittled for 93 in the second match of the series. Makhaya Ntini finished with 6-22 including his 200th one-day wicket. Any batting line-up with Ponting in has a psychological advantage and with his coming in at three, the middle order rarely see much of the new ball.

We think that the 93 was a real aberration, but we're monitoring the situation.

Look at his face

We're breaking one of our already-quite-flexible rules here by republishing a picture from the BBC in strict contravenion of - well - the law. But we couldn't help it. Look at his face. Look at Inzy's face. Look at the complete look of disdain AND superiority.

Lancashire CCC look like leaving us

Lancashire seem to be erring on the side of the Wigan-based development in their interminable debate about their home ground. Wigan council have requested lottery funding for the project and this would be topped up by the sale of Lancashire's current home, Old Trafford.

Some sources have reported that the Wigan proposal incorporates a retractable roof, but this is pure conjecture. The application is for a building of unusual or exceptional design, but as to what this may be, nobody knows. In the words of Jim Cumbes on GMR: "It could be a huge tower or it could be a retractable roof". It could be that the building is in the shape of Farokh Engineer's face when viewed from above. Nobody knows.

If they did install a retractable roof, the benefits would be enormous. The club could guarantee play, presuming the ECB accepted its use, which would appeal to both spectators and TV. In addition to this, matches could be played out of season, so the continuing trend towards international fixtures in September and even October could be accommodated.

One factor that Lancashire should perhaps take into account is that Wigan's further away. Some of us can't be bothered going to Wigan, particularly if Lancashire continue with their Australian batsmen/ageing seam bowlers selection policy.

India – England, first Test review

That was a good match, wasn’t it? Did everyone enjoy it? The selection panels for both nations will have plenty to ponder as well.

India

Wasim Jaffer should have booked himself a good run at the near-impossible-to-fill spot as Virender Sehwag’s opening partner. We were originally going to propose that Dravid should fill the role as he matches the traditional description of an opening batsman perfectly: He has great technique and is almost impossible to get out. Therefore, he would build a perfect platform for the multitude of strokeplayers below him. The only thing stopping him is a mental block. We were going to say ‘get over it’ to him and call him a wuss and stuff, but Wasim Jaffer’s saved him from our ire.

Virender Sehwag had a rubbish game and Steve Harmison’s place in the King Cricket Top Ten is still secure for the moment. Secretly, we don’t want Harmison to drop out, so we’re pleased about this, although Sehwag is likely to make his mark in this series sooner rather than later.

Mohammed Kaif played a great innings and will be disappointed when he is dropped for Yuvraj Singh. Although the Indian selectors usually have VVS Laxman’s name high on the dropping list, we still think that Kaif will make way. One thing’s fairly certain though – Saurav Ganguly’s international future looks bleak, in that it doesn’t look like he has one. Particularly as Greg Chappell did his utmost to humiliate him in an interview with Mike Selvey of the Guardian. Excellent diplomacy, Greg. We’re dubious that Mike Selvey was so surprised by the furore as well. Journalists pride themselves on knowing ‘a great story’ and even we could see there was an unusual juiciness to some of Chappell’s comments about Ganguly.

So with Jaffer inked in and Yuvraj Singh coming back, India’s top six looks unusually settled, but we’ve a spanner handy and the ‘works’ of India’s team selection is always receptive. With Dhoni and Pathan both being solid batsmen, we think that India can get away with playing five specialist batsmen, freeing up a slot for another pace bowler.

By and large we’re against extra bowlers, because it’s rare that the bowling positives outweigh the batting negatives. However, India should always have their two best bowlers, Kumble and Harbhajan, in the side and with only two pace bowlers at their disposal, they look short of options during the first innings. An extra, fresher bowler might have dispatched Paul Collingwood in England’s first innings and things could have turned out very differently.

We have no idea who this extra pace bowler should be. We’ll get back to you.

England

Alastair Cook gleaned most of the headlines with a century on debut. Most pundits reckoned he looked ‘every inch a Test cricketer’, which isn’t any great insight. He was playing in a Test match, after all. It’s not like the selectors picked ‘Alastair Cook – except for his feet’. They selected every inch of him.

Paul Collingwood was probably the other beneficiary and his innings was even more impressive. England were woefully short of a decent first innings total when he came in to bat in the first innings and the way he squeezed runs from the last three wickets was masterful. He wasn’t dismissed in either innings and following the third Test in Pakistan he currently looks to be England’s best batsman, which is quite unexpected.

Monty Panesar also had an excellent game. He batted more successfully than almost anyone expected and bowled with far less success than he deserved. In contrast, Ian Blackwell contributed virtually nothing. Luckily for him England will probably stick with the same bowling attack for the entire Test series now, so he’s got a chance. We’re not going to make any decisions on future spin bowling selection based on what were, after all, both players’ debuts. Some people will, but they have to find things to write about because they get paid to do so. We can take our time.

Matthew Hoggard was ace and we’re only slightly disappointed that we didn’t find any instances of journalists calling him a ‘workhorse stepping into the limelight’, or something, after his stunning first innings bowling performance. If you spot any, please send them.

There’s still no word on Marcus Trescothick, but who should get dropped if he returns? Well we think it should be debutant centurion, Alastair Cook. It may seem strange, but we think he should wait his turn. Players should know whether they’re in or out, so that they can relax and play. Their quality should be evaluated over a series of matches, not just the most recent one. We don’t think that one good match is enough to prove that Cook is better than anyone else. Many of England’s batsmen are relative newcomers and are still in something of a trial period. A few more Test innings and the picture may be clearer, but until then, get in line Alastair. You’re only filling in (admirably).

[Copy, paste] Zimbabwe humiliated

Further to our stance on Zimbabwe, we just noticed that they were bowled out for 69 in the third one-dayer against mighty Kenya, the day before yesterday, having also lost the second match of the series.

Peter Ongondo had the best figures with 4-14, although Thomas Odoyo probably deserves the bulk of the credit after getting Zimbabwe's top three batsmen, finishing with 3-13.

What are we going to say abou this? Nothing. There's nothing funny about this. They're barely a cricket team, let alone an international one.

India against England - sort of approaching tea on day 3

Well that's not bad. As we type, India are 249-7 and strike-bowler Matthew Hoggard has 5-48. (We're sure his figures were substantially better than that about thirty seconds ago - we'd better go and find out what's happening.)

How many times can the poor lad produce a devastating performance with the ball before people stop referring to him as a 'willing workhorse' or a 'yeoman'. We're going to name and shame any journalists we come across who fall into this trap over the next couple of days. Although being as we won't be using work's internet connection, the only place we're likely to happen across this is in a newspaper that we have bought and therefore like.

1,000 up for our man Murali

Muttiah Muralitharan today took his 1,000th international wicket (Tests and one-dayers) on his way to 6-54 against Bangladesh. A thousand runs is a big deal, but wickets...

We said that 'the Murali factor' would come into play in Bangladesh's second innings. We're not really claiming this as some great cricketing insight, because it amounts to saying that one of the greatest spin bowlers of all time would get second innings wickets against sub-standard opposition. Hardly going out on a limb, is it? The other reason we haven't linked to that post is that we find it tiresome to do so and frankly we can't be bothered.

Last night we dreamt that we were covering a Lancashire net for some fictional publication where people would be interested in a Lancashire net. We asked Murali if we could try and bat against him and what do you know? We excelled. Lancashire coach, Mike Watkinson hired us on the spot and obviously we went on to play for England.

There are so many reasons why this won't happen. So many reasons.

Paul Collingwood provides more than 'a bit of ginger'

There's a match in this after all. Paul Collingwood once said: "A little bit of ginger - that's what I bring to a team." - That and 134 runs on this occasion. He was not out at the end of the innings and had hit 13 fours and four sixes.

We're increasingly impressed by Paul Collingwood and think that maybe his hard fight for a Test place has better prepared him than some of England's other batsmen. He gives the impression that he knows what he's doing, which is very comforting for a talent-free spectator with all of their emotional load vested in a stranger. Presuming the absence of either Vaughan or Trescothick, if not both, for the entire series, we expect Collingwood to keep his place and make his name. There we go. We've made a statement.

His Durham colleague, Steve Harmison, produced a characteristic 39 off 42 balls. Steve says that he hates batting. We don't get this. Surely if you bat like Steve Harmison every innings is like a brief fairground ride with ghosts intermittently leaping out at you, only occasionally the ghosts give you sandwiches, but sometimes the sandwiches have horrifying fillings. Maybe his poor heart can't take all the excitement. We think he's not a bad batsman in reality and that he should do better. He should definitely score a fifty within the next couple of years. There we go. We've made another statement.

Monty Panesar scored nine, batting at 11, but more importantly faced 43 balls in a last wicket partnership of 66. Most pundits would term this 'encouraging'.

Monty Panesar is in

Monty Panesar got the nod in the end. Despite our enthusiasm for James Anderson, we're now delighted that Monty Panesar is playing. We're fickle like that.

As we write this, England are 157-4 and our thoughts about the weakness of England's batting are ringing true. We wrote an article about how England will need to make big first innings totals if they are to stand any hope of winning this series and this is not the way to go about it. We can't believe we didn't put the article on here in some form or another. Here's a summary:

India have great spinnners and England won't get many in the second innings.

We can stretch out things like this no end.