Murali returns to Lancashire

If we had to work up a bit of enthusiasm for Lancashire's retention of Brad Hodge then this is the kind of work where they pay you a fortune for drinking tea and sleeping a bit: Lancashire have re-signed Muttiah Muralitharan, part-time genius, full-time nicest man in history.

He'll only be around for a handful of matches, no doubt. We'll definitely try and catch one of them. We'll sit at fine-leg and buy him an ice cream.

The King Cricket review of 2006

We were all set to do a big retrospective thing today. We went back and read all the posts over the last year (at least the headlines anyway). We even made notes. Then we looked at our notes and it looked like some kind of BBC-type article. We don't do articles like that as well as the BBC does. They don't get distracted by blind prejudice or petty vendettas or anything like that.

So instead we just sat still for a minute and tried to think if anything stood out from the cricketing year. Then we wrote down what we'd thought of on a piece of paper. Then we typed up what was on the piece of paper.

Murali Week

Bloody hell. Will you look at the size of that heading. We should probably have just put it in bold, but we didn't just learn loads of technical internet stuff for no reason. We're about as technically-minded as a slow-witted hamster suffering from dementia, so if we know something, we use it.

The first thing that we remembered happening during 2006 was that we declared that the second week in March should eternally be known as 'Murali Week'. The reasons for this are that this year, during that week, our man Muttiah Muralitharan passed one or two landmarks.

They were as follows: 1,000 international wickets. At the time of writing he was the only person to have achieved this. He also played in his 100th Test during this period. He took his 600th Test wicket and his 50th Test five wicket haul. His FIFTIETH. No-one else is within a country mile of that. Take our word for it.

Paul Collingwood: More than 'a bit of ginger'

That heading's even longer. There's no hiding from a heading like that.

Also during Murali week, elsewhere in the world, Paul Collingwood hit his first Test century. This probably wasn't a big deal for most people. But we were massively impressed. It was a blinding hundred.

England were playing India and after various injuries and personal problems for others, Paul Collingwood was finally being given a chance for England. Very few people were particularly interested. Having batted admirably in Pakistan prior to this series, Collingwood went one better in the first Test against India.

To further put this innings into context, England's injury-depleted squad had fallen from their Ashes high by getting soundly beaten in Pakistan and had been looking shaky against spin in India, as always. Overnight, they were 246-7 and Paul Collingwood was 53 not out with Hoggard, Harmison and Panesar to aid him.

The tail wagged. England make 393 and Paul Collingwood 134 not out. Most impressively, he managed to coax a 66 run last wicket partnership out of Monty Panesar, who had been depicted as some sort of poor-man's Phil Tufnell up until that point.

At a stroke, England could play spin and had a chance in the series. Paul Collingwood was to be taken seriously and respected and Monty Panesar was deemed 'not terrible' with the bat.

Rob Key lighting up the world like ten blazing suns becoming supernovae

As with any other year, the undisputed highlight of 2006 was Rob Key lighting up the world like ten blazing suns becoming supernovae. This year, it was a hundred for England A against Pakistan that did the trick.

We've only used that picture on the right because we've never used it before. In truth, it's not a particularly good one. He actually looks quite trim, for one thing.

If you've more spare time than you know what to do with, why not send us a nice picture of Rob Key with a halo or on a throne or with a backdrop of fire or something. We can assure you that we'll be happy with what you produce. Even if it's shit.

Paul Collingwood's double hundred against Australia

There's nothing to add to that. It was a rare high-point on an Ashes graph of pleasure that more resembled one of those Japanese dining tables. You know: Low and flat.

Unsung Paul Collingwood had his day on the biggest stage. He did what so few English batsmen are capable of and went on to a BIG hundred. Aussie bowlers toiled. We cheered. It was magic.

Then England made a complete balls of the whole thing by throwing the match away. In the second innings Paul Collingwood was left on 22 not out, batting at four no less. That's exactly the kind of thing that's rendered Paul Collingwood's double hundred so priceless. It stands a mile above everything else, like King Kong's dad frowning at some sea-monkeys.

Happy New Year

There you go. Sorry that the article's so massive, but it is a whole year, you know. Normally we split these things up into chunks, but we wanted to keep it all together today in the spirit of summarising (yes, there is such a spirit). There was other stuff too, but it didn't always get defined by a moment. Either that or it's been done to death and we're sick of it.

However, there should be a special mention for the day when we were at Old Trafford when Steve Harmison, but more importantly, Monty Panesar, bowled England to victory against Pakistan. That was really something and Monty Panesar is really the big thing this year, we guess. We just didn't have anything funny to say about him on this occasion, as you'll be able to tell as you near the end of this paragraph.

Maybe we'll do some predictions for the coming year in a few days. Who knows? More likely we'll forget or our mind will feel lumpen and unproductive like it usually does.

Five wickets for Murali

It's like someone's hacked out a big lump of our brain. We're thinking about what we're about to write and we're trying to come up with a title but nothing's happening.

We've forgotten how to use our mind. We just don't know how to get it moving. It doesn't come with any instructions or anything, so there's nothing to fall back on. Thinking's supposed to just happen, but what do you do when it doesn't just happen?

We also appear to be suffering from a touch of tunnel vision. If anyone thinks these symptoms add up to something serious can they let us know. We'd like to get comfy in time for rigor mortis to set in.

Now we've forgotten what we were going to write. Something about how Muralitharan's bowling figures against Bangladesh today (5-15) were the kind of figures you could be proud of.

It was something along the lines of: If they were your bowling figures, you could actually tell other people about them, unlike everything else you've ever done, which has been pathetically feeble and embarrassing.

Then we were going to say something about taking the bowling figures out for dinner, but that's when we started getting confused. Then our eyelids went all heavy.

Now we're really lost. This was actually even more confusing to write than it was to experience. Reading it through to check we'd written what we thought we had was more confusing still and re-reading this current sentence is probably going to break us.

Maybe we'll just click publish and hope that everything's okay. Hoping that everything's going to be okay worked for about an hour at some point in 2002 so we're sticking with it.

Muttiah Muralitharan - four World Cup semi final wickets to go with the rest

It was nice to see the second-nicest man in cricket get a hundred in the World Cup semi final. Murali is of course the top man - in so many ways.

If anyone else had taken four wickets in a World Cup semi final, they'd be hoisted onto shoulders, showered with rose petals and then held there while someone painstakingly captured the moment with an oil painting. Muttiah Muralitharan takes four wickets and it isn't even news.

He's supposed to take four wickets in the World Cup semi final because he's a genius (a genial genius). To have been good enough to create that level of expectation is one thing. To live up to it so consistently as for it to become commonplace is another entirely. If we manage to get through a Saturday night without falling asleep at some point, people are impressed with us. That's the level of expectation that we've created.

Murali-free Sri Lanka lose to Australia

Australia beat Sri Lanka, but Murali wasn't playing, so it doesn't count.

Ricky Ponting says there's no point hiding Muralitharan for a later match because the Aussies play him as well as anyone.

That's only partly true. The fact is that the Australians haven't seen as much of Murali as some other sides because he didn't go on Sri Lanka's last tour Down Under because the Aussie crowds are too annoying.

Besides, if even Mahela Jayawardene gets out to Murali having faced him in the nets and watched him from the slips for eight years, it kind of implies that maybe you can't know everything there is to know by watching a bit of telly and having once got 50 against him.

Wouldn't it be intriguing if Australia lost the World Cup due to unfamiliarity with the great man because of their own supporters. And by 'intriguing', we do of course mean 'ace'.

Upul Tharanga top scores in Sri Lankan win over India

Not many of the World Cup players to watch have been pulling their weight so far. It's good to see that Upul Tharanga's on our side.

There were no huge scores in the match against India, so Tharanga's 64 turned out to be the best. We suppose that Murali's 3-41 was more important, but if you're not watching Murali just what ARE you doing? You'd better have a damn good excuse.

Unacceptable excuses:

Couldn't see.
Thought he was someone else.
Didn't want to miss The Bill.
Wanted to "go out" and "have fun".

Acceptable excuses:

You are Muttiah Muralitharan.

Muttiah Muralitharan v England, 16 wickets in a match – ten great bowling performances

“Sri Lanka are rubbish,” said English cricket. “We’ll only give them one Test. They’re lucky to get that, quite frankly.”

“Whatever,” said Murali and promptly took 16 wickets as Sri Lanka kicked England’s arse so thoroughly that English cricket still sheds a tear when it so much as thinks about sitting in a nice comfy armchair.

Muttiah Muralitharan took 7-155 in the first innings and the British media said: ‘If only he had some support’. Muttiah Muralitharan then took 9-65 in the second innings as Sri Lanka won by ten wickets and the British media said: ‘Oh my God. Imagine if he had some support.’

Murali then went home and said: “Maybe when England have got a genius playing for them we’ll let them have a return match in Sri Lanka. But not before then.”

Of course Murali didn’t say that really. He’s too nice. Besides, he doesn’t need to stoop to anything like that because he’s clearly, eternally, unarguably SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. Hats off.

10 Great Bowling Performances

Murali loses to Australia

Sorry about the recent overlong posts. Don't run away. We promise we won't do it again.

Australia beat Sri Lanka today despite the presence of Murali, largely due to contributions from Ashes scapegoats Simon Katich, Damien Martyn and Michael Clarke.

Note to Australian selectors: Pick them for the Test team. Pick them. Pick them.

Murali Thrashes New Zealand

Sri Lanka have managed to win their first one-day international since the discovery of oxygen, even though Murali didn’t take any wickets at all.

In other news, South Africa have received a boost ahead of their Twenty20 game against Australia with the news that two-an-over Jacques Kallis will be unavailable through injury.

3 - Muttiah Muralitharan

Australians get upset because they think that he might be better than Warney, so they keep trying to ban him on the grounds that he’s too ace or something.

Murali plays for Lancashire sometimes and everyone likes him. He’s all double-jointed and gifted. No other sport can boast of a player who nobody can copy due to their body.

Reminds me of Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air in a funny sort of way. Sorry Murali. You’re much cooler than anyone or anything called Carlton – especially the Vauxhall type.