Murali returns to Lancashire

If we had to work up a bit of enthusiasm for Lancashire's retention of Brad Hodge then this is the kind of work where they pay you a fortune for drinking tea and sleeping a bit: Lancashire have re-signed Muttiah Muralitharan, part-time genius, full-time nicest man in history.

He'll only be around for a handful of matches, no doubt. We'll definitely try and catch one of them. We'll sit at fine-leg and buy him an ice cream.

Five wickets for Murali

It's like someone's hacked out a big lump of our brain. We're thinking about what we're about to write and we're trying to come up with a title but nothing's happening.

We've forgotten how to use our mind. We just don't know how to get it moving. It doesn't come with any instructions or anything, so there's nothing to fall back on. Thinking's supposed to just happen, but what do you do when it doesn't just happen?

We also appear to be suffering from a touch of tunnel vision. If anyone thinks these symptoms add up to something serious can they let us know. We'd like to get comfy in time for rigor mortis to set in.

Now we've forgotten what we were going to write. Something about how Muralitharan's bowling figures against Bangladesh today (5-15) were the kind of figures you could be proud of.

It was something along the lines of: If they were your bowling figures, you could actually tell other people about them, unlike everything else you've ever done, which has been pathetically feeble and embarrassing.

Then we were going to say something about taking the bowling figures out for dinner, but that's when we started getting confused. Then our eyelids went all heavy.

Now we're really lost. This was actually even more confusing to write than it was to experience. Reading it through to check we'd written what we thought we had was more confusing still and re-reading this current sentence is probably going to break us.

Maybe we'll just click publish and hope that everything's okay. Hoping that everything's going to be okay worked for about an hour at some point in 2002 so we're sticking with it.

Muttiah Muralitharan - four World Cup semi final wickets to go with the rest

It was nice to see the second-nicest man in cricket get a hundred in the World Cup semi final. Murali is of course the top man - in so many ways.

If anyone else had taken four wickets in a World Cup semi final, they'd be hoisted onto shoulders, showered with rose petals and then held there while someone painstakingly captured the moment with an oil painting. Muttiah Muralitharan takes four wickets and it isn't even news.

He's supposed to take four wickets in the World Cup semi final because he's a genius (a genial genius). To have been good enough to create that level of expectation is one thing. To live up to it so consistently as for it to become commonplace is another entirely. If we manage to get through a Saturday night without falling asleep at some point, people are impressed with us. That's the level of expectation that we've created.

Murali-free Sri Lanka lose to Australia

Australia beat Sri Lanka, but Murali wasn't playing, so it doesn't count.

Ricky Ponting says there's no point hiding Muralitharan for a later match because the Aussies play him as well as anyone.

That's only partly true. The fact is that the Australians haven't seen as much of Murali as some other sides because he didn't go on Sri Lanka's last tour Down Under because the Aussie crowds are too annoying.

Besides, if even Mahela Jayawardene gets out to Murali having faced him in the nets and watched him from the slips for eight years, it kind of implies that maybe you can't know everything there is to know by watching a bit of telly and having once got 50 against him.

Wouldn't it be intriguing if Australia lost the World Cup due to unfamiliarity with the great man because of their own supporters. And by 'intriguing', we do of course mean 'ace'.

Upul Tharanga top scores in Sri Lankan win over India

Not many of the World Cup players to watch have been pulling their weight so far. It's good to see that Upul Tharanga's on our side.

There were no huge scores in the match against India, so Tharanga's 64 turned out to be the best. We suppose that Murali's 3-41 was more important, but if you're not watching Murali just what ARE you doing? You'd better have a damn good excuse.

Unacceptable excuses:

Couldn't see.
Thought he was someone else.
Didn't want to miss The Bill.
Wanted to "go out" and "have fun".

Acceptable excuses:

You are Muttiah Muralitharan.

Muttiah Muralitharan v England, 16 wickets in a match – ten great bowling performances

“Sri Lanka are rubbish,” said English cricket. “We’ll only give them one Test. They’re lucky to get that, quite frankly.”

“Whatever,” said Murali and promptly took 16 wickets as Sri Lanka kicked England’s arse so thoroughly that English cricket still sheds a tear when it so much as thinks about sitting in a nice comfy armchair.

Muttiah Muralitharan took 7-155 in the first innings and the British media said: ‘If only he had some support’. Muttiah Muralitharan then took 9-65 in the second innings as Sri Lanka won by ten wickets and the British media said: ‘Oh my God. Imagine if he had some support.’

Murali then went home and said: “Maybe when England have got a genius playing for them we’ll let them have a return match in Sri Lanka. But not before then.”

Of course Murali didn’t say that really. He’s too nice. Besides, he doesn’t need to stoop to anything like that because he’s clearly, eternally, unarguably SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. Hats off.

10 Great Bowling Performances

Murali loses to Australia

Sorry about the recent overlong posts. Don't run away. We promise we won't do it again.

Australia beat Sri Lanka today despite the presence of Murali, largely due to contributions from Ashes scapegoats Simon Katich, Damien Martyn and Michael Clarke.

Note to Australian selectors: Pick them for the Test team. Pick them. Pick them.

Murali Thrashes New Zealand

Sri Lanka have managed to win their first one-day international since the discovery of oxygen, even though Murali didn’t take any wickets at all.

In other news, South Africa have received a boost ahead of their Twenty20 game against Australia with the news that two-an-over Jacques Kallis will be unavailable through injury.

3 - Muttiah Muralitharan

Australians get upset because they think that he might be better than Warney, so they keep trying to ban him on the grounds that he’s too ace or something.

Murali plays for Lancashire sometimes and everyone likes him. He’s all double-jointed and gifted. No other sport can boast of a player who nobody can copy due to their body.

Reminds me of Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air in a funny sort of way. Sorry Murali. You’re much cooler than anyone or anything called Carlton – especially the Vauxhall type.