Mohammad Yousuf earns the ultimate accolade

We were starting to get a bit worried about Mohammad Yousuf's run of form. There comes a point where a cricketer has performed so exceptionally, for so long, that there's nothing left to say. At this point it's hard to muster the superlatives to laud them as they deserve. What do you do?

You issue them with a Transformer, if you're us.

Yes, Mohammad Yousuf is so richly deserving that we're imploring the ICC or the PCB or any other cricketing acronym, to present him with Scourge (pictured). Look at him. Look at Scourge. What a smashing Transformer. You've really got to be going some to be deserving of Scourge. What an honour.

Mohammad Yousuf, having hit YET ANOTHER hundred today, has now scored more Test runs in a calendar year than anyone... Ever. Well done, that man. His nine Test centuries this year are also a record.

Sourav Ganguly's in India's Test squad

Can. Of. Worms.

We heard a rumour about this yesterday, but we didn't think it was at all credible: Sourav Ganguly has been brought back into India's Test squad.

This is wrong. It really is. We've nothing against Ganguly, but the guy attracts extremes of emotion. Things were just starting to die down after he was axed as captain and subsequently dropped, but this is like filling a pan with napalm and putting it on the fire to simmer for a bit.

Plus he's kind of crap in Tests, or at least he had been for the last year or so in the national side. He's a more than decent one-day player, but even one-day selection would be a retrogressive step. India's hardly short of batting talent, even if their performances in their current series in South Africa haven't shown that. They just don't need him.

He performed badly in county cricket this season. We believe that he's made one hundred in Indian domestic cricket. All Ganguly's selection does is jab a huge, double-handed sword into an open, infected wound and wriggle it around a bit.

The other minus point is that we realised that we've always spelt his first name wrong, up until now. That makes us more upset than you might think.

Sensational news leading up to the second Test

The combined might of the British and Australian media are trying to make you think that things are happening in the run-up to the next Test, but they aren't. Here's what's going on:

• - Various people are saying that Steve Harmison will 'bounce back'. Of course no-one actually knows, so we'll just have to wait until the start of the cricket to find out.
• - Matthew Hayden thinks that England's batsmen will struggle against Warne in Adelaide. Of course he doesn't know this for a fact. Again, we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
• - Matthew Hayden also thinks that Australia's batsmen won't have too many problems with Monty Panesar. Of course most of Australia's batsmen have never faced Panesar, so this is really just brash, unfounded optimism.
• - Glenn McGrath didn't bowl in the nets. Will he make the Test? Will he not? Let's wait and find out.
• - Michael Vaughan actually played a cricket match. Will England unveil him midway through the series? Some might say that only time will tell.

That's right: Journalists are earning their salaries by producing articles, just as they have since the dawn of time. That's the best news that we can come up with: Journalists are writing stuff. We sneer and say it's not news, yet hands up who's read versions of every last one of those stories in up to six different places?

We can't get enough of it.

Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for experts

1: Be tall.

2: Land six balls out of six, three inches outside off-stump. When you hit the seam, the ball should strike the very top of off-stump if it goes one way and should find the edge of the bat if it goes the other way.

It's sometimes helpful to identify a particular blade of grass to aim for. That way you know at what exact fraction of a picosecond to release the ball.

Don't worry if you're out by a millimetre or so - it'll keep the batsman guessing and you can also make the most of any uneven bounce.

3: If the pressure's on and you need to restrict the flow of runs, apply steps one to two.

4: If the pressure's on and you need to take wickets, apply steps one to two.

Also see Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for beginners

Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for beginners

1: Be tall.

2: Try and land six balls out of six, three inches outside off-stump. When you hit the seam, the ball should strike the very top of off-stump if it goes one way and should find the edge of the bat if it goes the other way.

It's sometimes helpful to identify a particular blade of grass to aim for. That way you know at what exact fraction of a picosecond to release the ball.

3: Beginners often make the mistake of not being tall or of landing the ball in several different spots. If you're prone to these mistakes, apply steps one to two.

Also see Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for experts

Mohammad Yousuf suffers inexplicable loss of form

It was bound to happen sooner or later. No man can maintain such a standard of batting indefinitely. Not even Don Bradman. Mohammad Yousuf lost his wicket for just 102 today.

To put that in context, 102 was only narrowly more than double the next highest score by a Pakistani batsman. As he trudged off disconsolately, it was impossible not to feel for him: A deity reduced to a mere demigod.

Stop sneering at Paul Collingwood

Paul Collingwood's been quite firmly branded with the 'makes the most of his talent' tag. It's pissing us off. 'Making the most of your talent' is a prerequisite for any international sportsman. The insinuation is that he makes the most of not a lot of talent.

At least one cricket writer described Collingwood as 'out of his depth' after England's first innings. He's not. He just scored 96.

It's patronising to talk like this, but mostly it's inaccurate. Paul Collingwood's not from the Mark Richardson, 'three shots including the forward defensive', school of batting - Richardson's Test average was 44.77, incidentally. He's got plenty of shots. In fact, gifted wunderkind, Alastair Cook, said after they'd both scored hundreds together earlier in the year that he was having trouble getting the ball off the square and that he admired Collingwood's ability to manoevre the ball and keep the scoreboard ticking over. Who was the grafter there?

You'd think that England supporters raised on an inspid diet of Graeme Hick and Mark Ramprakash would recognise that a God-given talent is by no means the most important factor determining a batsman's success. Ask Steve Waugh. In fact do, because Steve Waugh once said that he thought Paul Collingwood was good.

The Justin Kemp Tactic

We've known about the Justin Kemp Tactic for quite some time now. It's South Africa's only one-day tactic and, if we're perfectly honest, it's exactly the same as the Lance Klusener Tactic.

It runs as follows. South Africa's top-order batsmen steadily build a platform and when a wicket falls with about 10 or 20 overs to go, Justin Kemp is launched from said platform by a thermonuclear detonation in his special 'rocket shoes'.

Today Justin Kemp hit exactly 100 not out off 89 balls. It wasn't a classically executed example of the Justin Kemp Tactic, in that he came in a bit early and a bit low in the order. However, from then on, things went swimmingly.

We like Justin Kemp. He likes to swing the bat.

Ricky Ponting spurns the follow-on

Is it 2006 or 1996? The team of resilient battlers crafted by Hussain and transformed into world-beaters by Vaughan is nowhere to be seen. In its place we've got a load of insipid ringers.

Don't give up hope yet, though. We're sure it takes longer than five days to dismantle so much good work. These players have pride and though it may seem unlikely at present, more than a little class. They'll come good before this series is out. We only hope that it's soon. Very soon.

Some people seem baffled by Ricky Ponting's decision to decline to enforce the follow-on. We don't think it's a bad move. Psychologically, he's crushing England. In fact, psychologically, he's crushing us. We already have to stare into a bright light for six hours a day to combat the misery of a British winter. Before long we'll have to devise a special plinth so we can sit the sun on the bridge of our nose for 24 hours a day.

The ease of Australia's batting sandwiched between what may turn out to be two atrocious England innings will remove the argument that the pitch deteriorated. But mostly he wants to ensure that his bowlers get the most out of the new ball. This seems to be our theme for this match: Using the new ball well. It's no coincidence that England wasted it and conceded 600, whereas Australia made the most of every ball and knocked England over.

If Australia had enforced the follow-on, McGrath, Lee and Clark would have been about 90% and that could have made a difference. As it is, they'll put their feet up, sleep soundly and come out tomorrow raring to go.

Ponting's leaving nothing to chance.

Even more reckless optimism

Wait! We've got another one.

The favourites, with home advantage, choose to bat in the first Test. They amass a monstrous total leaving their opponents with over three days to try and bat out a draw. The visitors lose early wickets and it seems that all is lost. But it isn't. The visitors save the Test and draw the series.

Obviously there are a number of flaws in this line of thinking. England were on the receiving end for one thing. Also, England would have to find some way of disguising Mahela Jayawardene as Steve Harmison, which is a tough ask.

On the other hand, Sri Lanka's tour of England over the summer is a worthwhile template. They started like rank amateurs and found their way as they got used to conditions. It would be better if sides were acclimatised by the start of a series, but warm-ups seem to be frowned upon these days.

Tell you what we frown upon: Incompetent cricket as a result of unfamiliarity with playing conditions. That and 'being sociable'. We've no time for that.

Unleash the masterplan

Okay. It's taken us a while, but we've got it: England are sacrificing this match for the greater good.

It's important to remember that this is a five match series. We've only had two days so far, so there's a long, long way to go. By the end of the series there will be some tired legs. This is England's plan.

Step one, let Australia rack up an enormous amount of runs. Step two, bat for ages, following-on, if need be. Australia have only got four bowlers, so three days in the field will wipe them out. Glenn McGrath can't run in for long. Stuart Clark's in his thirties. Brett Lee will take up the slack and then he'll be cream-crackered. It's all coming together.

The next step is to win the toss in the next Test (we're not totally certain how England will manage this, but rest assured they've got a plan). They'll win the toss and they'll bat, for another three days. Glenn McGrath will be bowling about 40mph by this point. He'll be desperate for an afternoon snooze and a pint of mild.

They're playing right into our hands!

Ambassador, with this humble pie you are really spoiling us

To be fair, we did say that batting was only easy after 20 overs. Inherent in that comment is the fact that it is DOUBLY important to see off the new ball.

At 53-3 after 17 overs, England have manifestly failed to do this, in much the same way as they manifestly failed to make use of the ball for the first 20 overs when bowling. This is thrown into even sharper relief by the fact that Glenn McGrath didn't waste one single delivery. As expected. Andrew Strauss can feel particularly ashamed. We miss you, Marcus.

England are already unlikely to save this Test, but there's still plenty to play for. They certainly shouldn't give up on the draw, so they can try for that as a primary aim. It's still a good pitch, so it's not beyond the bounds of possibility. It's just unlikely. Secondly, they should aim to make life difficult for the Aussies. If they allow themselves to get steam-rollered there'll be no respite until they go home at the end of the tour.

Finally, they can aim to do some damage to the Australian bowlers. They can do this in two ways. They can score runs against them and show that their wickets will be hard to come by for the remainder of the series. They can also bat for a long time (they hardly have a choice). It's not so ridiculous as it sounds to say that they can wear out Australia's bowlers. Sure, they're professional sportsmen at peak fitness and all that. On the other hand, there are only four of them and they're getting on a bit. There's a reason why players retire.

Mohammad Yousuf DOESN'T hit 192

It's a miracle. Mohammad Yousuf batted. He scored runs. Yet he DIDN'T make 192. It's some kind of miracle. He only made 191. Consequently, Pakistan drew with the West Indies.

In his last four matches, Yousuf can now boast two 192s and 191. He really needs to start converting some of these big hundreds into doubles.

Shameful batting.

Kookaburra balls

If you think this post is an excuse for England's poor bowling performance - it isn't. It was bad and we'd be unable to defend it. It doesn't change the fact that Kookaburra cricket balls are rubbish though and being as we're in a bad mood, we may as well slag them off. It might make us feel better.

The reason why we hate Kookaburra balls is because of the narrow window of wicket-taking that they provide. We've written before about how we're sick of batsmen having everything their own way. We enjoy a wicket more than a hundred and they're damn hard to come by these days.

The Kookaburra ball has two flaws. Firstly, it has a less pronounced seam than the English Duke ball. This only benefits the batsman. Secondly, it stops swinging after about twenty overs, so that's another weapon removed from the bowlers. Add this to the even-bouncing Australian wickets and clear blue skies and it's game over.

As a bowler, you're just hoping for mistakes for the most part. Experienced batsmen don't make many of these. Take a look at the number of Tests each of Australia's top order has played. They're not going to make many mistakes.

Time and again during the first day at the Gabba you'd see the ball angling into an Aussie batsman's pads. This isn't such a bad delivery if the ball's doing something. The batsman can't close the face and whip the ball into the leg side if he thinks that there could be a bit of outswing or seam movement. With a crappy Kookaburra ball, there's no deterrent. The ball's just going to carry on, straight as an Australian sportsman, so the batsman can do with it what he wants.

Theoretically, this means that England should find batting easier too, but no doubt wickets will tumble and we'll be choking on foul-tasting humble pie.

Stupid humble pie. We've got a freezer full of the stuff.

Andrew Flintoff bowling

Andrew Flintoff was England's best bowler by quite a wide margin. Each of his spells only served to emphasise just how poor and/or ineffective everyone else was.

On this pitch, against these batsmen, with these cricket balls, bowlers really do have to make it count, particularly with the new ball. Steve Harmison was dire, progressing to nearly-respectable. Matthew Hoggard was predictably solid yet ineffectual. James Anderson bowled some good balls and a number of bad ones.

Andrew Flintoff, however, put the ball exactly where he wanted straight away. He started accurately, testing the batsmen, and the more he bowled, the quicker he got. Either he doesn't get nervous, or he's got a technique that he can totally rely on.

England's Rugby World Cup winning fly-half, Jonny Wilkinson, once said: "I always aim to be able to leave the training pitch confident of my technique." That confidence is just as important as having the technique. If you've got faith in your method, that will go some way to calming your nerves.

Andrew Flintoff is clearly secure in his method, as is Matthew Hoggard. Steve Harmison clearly isn't. Whether he needs extra practice to sort his technique is arguable. That he needs extra practice to fight back the doubt, is surely undeniable.

Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison

We're not a sports graduate or an ECB cricket coach, like this guy, but we're fairly certain that international bowlers should know where the ball's going. We're absolutely positive that second slip shouldn't be in any danger.

We stayed up to watch the Ashes like the good writing-about-cricket-every-day-person that we are. We made it until tea before all the caffeine wore off. Earlier, as the first ball was about to be bowled, we were literally on the edge of our seat. We were secretly quite pleased that England had lost the toss, because our fantasy about Steve Harmison knocking over the Australian top order could still happen. Steve Harmison ran in and bowled the most monstrous wide you're ever likely to see.

Don't get us wrong. We love Steve Harmison. That's why he plays such a major part in our Day One of the Ashes Fantasy. We're just pissed off that he ruined it.

We don't much care whether it's nerves, rhythm, falling away in the delivery stride or a poor wrist position. We don't even care if it's because the Gabba's infested with Wombles and they kept surfacing underneath him during his run-up. All we care about is that England players are ready to perform at the best of their abilities. Frankly, there are enough staff down there to ensure this happens.

Who knows, maybe Destructive Steve Harmison will replace Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison tomorrow. All we're saying is we'd like to see a lot less of the latter.

Ashes nerves

We're really quite edgy. It's a bit disappointing. All we've been doing recently is reading and what are we going to be doing when the match starts later on?

Will we be standing padded-up in front of 40,000 people trying to preserve our wicket and physical well-being? No. Will we be roaring in with the ball with a nation's hopes on our shoulders? No. We'll be sitting in a chair trying not to fall asleep. That's hardly a stretch. We do that all the time. We're doing it now.

The next step on our road to becoming an England cricketer is to become 'mentally tough'. This time next year we'll look rather less heartbroken when someone says something about our dress sense. We'll have fewer tantrums when we can't do fiddly stuff with small things. (We're not massively dextrous.)

Iron will and steely determination. We'll have perfected metallurgy of the mind.

Tea is the key

Australia's bloody miles away from England. They're in a different time zone. We all have to find ways of coping with the irregular hours.

We made the mistake of vaguely complaining about this to an Australian friend the other day. It elicited no sympathy whatsoever. The response was something along the lines of: 'Oh boo hoo. You'll have to stay up late for once. Every bloody sporting event's on during the night here.'

Once he'd finished, he offered some advice. His frankly revolutionary technique is to have two sleeps. One from early evening until start of play and then another later on. We're not trying it, because we're not one for this 'waking up' thing that people often talk about. His second ploy rang true, however and it's catchy: Tea is the key. This is the kind of thinking we can latch on to.

That's our Rhinolast mug in the picture. It's chipped and naff, but it says 'Rhinolast' on it and it's bright yellow. After about ten years, we only just went to the trouble of finding out what Rhinolast was. Disappointingly it's a nasal spray for allergies. We've no time for allergies or their treatments. It's a sign of weakness. If you're allergic to stuff, you'd die out in the wild.

We wouldn't die out in the wild because somebody would look after as through pity. Our abject uselessness is a survival mechanism.

Time takes its toll

Throughout the last Ashes series, much was made of the difference in ages between the two sides. This was to be the last time that this great Australian team would take the field in an Ashes series, whereas this England team was going to go from strength to strength over the next few years.

Well that was a load of rubbish, wasn't it? That Ashes-winning England team may never take the field again. Simon Jones, Michael Vaughan and Trescothick will all miss this entire series. Ashley Giles is fighting his way back, although it remains to be seen whether he will be selected.

In contrast, Australia have dropped one left-handed middle order batsman in Simon Katich, replacing him with another in Mike Hussey and dropped one tall medium-pacer in Jason Gillespie replacing him with another in Stuart Clark.

Injury has prevented England from fielding the same side. Injury has prevented Australia from fielding a new one, or at least a new style one. Shane Watson's injury has meant a recall for Michael Clarke and, most likely, the retention of the reliable and accurate Stuart Clark over the more exciting, but less reliable pace prospect Mitchell Johnson.

Brian Lara: Legend, master, genius

Sporting hyperbole gets devalued over time. The phrase that originally had such bite falls into regular usage and becomes commonplace.

Once upon a time you had to be mythical to be a legend. This was refined in the sporting world and the word came to refer to the greats of yesteryear. More recently, players still plying their trade (or 'art') have been labelled legends. Now all you have to do is hit a resolute thirty and you're a legend in the eyes of the fans.

Enough! It's making it hard to explain the true class of Brian Charles Lara, because here is a batsman who lords it over all others. Today, Brian Lara hit a hundred before lunch - the fifth batsman to do so. Having reached his hundred off only 77 balls, he slowed down, but he's still there on 196 not out, having cut, pulled and driven the Pakistani bowling attack into cowering submission.

Danish Kaneria apparently bowled quite well, but at one point 29 balls to Brian Lara were dispatched for 60 runs, including 26 off one over: The kind of over that divides a great batsman from the rest for longer than just a mere six balls. To think that the other day we were describing the melancholy feeling that came with thinking that each Brian Lara hundred could be the last. He's not finished yet. Not even nearly, judging by his current form.

In light of this softening of the vocabulary of sport, we're struggling to sum this up. We're going to have to revert to more everyday speech. Perhaps that will have more impact in a world where every second cricketer is described in terms that would make Don Bradman blush:

It's very difficult to compare different batsmen, at different times, against different bowling attacks. But insofar as it's possible to do this, Brian Lara has, at times in his career, batted better than just about anyone else has ever batted.

Monty and Afridi's Ashes prediction

They say that the animals are always the first to know, so let's ask them: Who is going to win the Ashes?

You've already met our cat Afridi. Meet his brother, Monty.


Now the premise is simple. Every possible Ashes result is represented by a foodstuff. Whichever foodstuff Monty and Afridi select will be the outcome of the series.


An England win is represented by some tuna fish, the draw by some cat biscuits and a win for Australia is represented by a leaf of lollo rosso. It's time to decide...


Monty's first to make his decision. He immediately plumps for an England win. Hurray!


Afridi also goes for an England win. It's unanimous. The animals have spoken: England will win the Ashes!


Monty and Afridi subsequently revealed that they consider the draw to be a possible outcome, but they didn't even think about an Australian win. In fact they spurned it altogether in favour of going to stare at the settee for a while.

Jerome Taylor brings delayed riposte

We wrongly predicted a stunning West Indies fightback in the first Test against Pakistan. It turns out that they were just biding their time until the second Test.

At 212-2 and even 315-5, Pakistan looked well-set for one of their traditionally humungous first innings totals, as is their wont at home. Thanks to Jerome Taylor they collapsed to 357 all out. He finished with 5-91. We still haven't seen him live, but he's quick and he takes wickets, so we can't see any problems. We've previously included a video of the hat-trick he took during the Champions' Trophy.

After that, the West Indian openers made the most of the momentum by reaching 151-0 at the close of play. You see: Bowling's always the key.

We're making a conscious effort to not ignore the whole of the rest of the cricketing world while the Ashes are on. You're with us, right?

Ian Bell and Paul Collingwood skulk around patiently

Ian Bell made 132 and Paul Collingwood 80 in England's drawn tour match against South Australia. Neither player was entirely certain of his Test place at the start of the tour, despite Bell averaging 47.66 and Collingwood 41.08. Now that Marcus Trescothick has returned home, both seem certain to start the first Test.

Marcus Trescothick is pretty much irreplaceable, but both these players deserve their place in the side, so 'every cloud' and all that. Both have a point to prove against Australia, however. During the last series, Ian Bell seemed to make a conscious decision to leave any of Shane Warne's deliveries that were straight and on the stumps. This was a bad ploy. Paul Collingwood played just the final Test, where he scored the finest 10 in living memory.

Along with Alastair Cook, Australia will look on these two as the weak links in England's batting line-up, but that might not be the case. Paul Collingwood is England's most adcaptable and determined batsman - one who has earned his place in the side in the truest sense. Ian Bell is arguably their classiest. In front of us is a copy of Indian magazine The Sportstar, dated April 6, 2002. Inside is an article about Ian Bell being the answer to England's problems at number three. It's been a long time coming, but he's still only 24 and his best years are unarguably ahead of him.

Those Indian school kids and their world record partnership

A couple of people have contacted us to question why we haven't included a post about the recent world record partnership of 720 between B Manoj Kumar and Mohammed Shaibaaz Tumbi (spellings from Cricinfo) for St Peter's High School in Hyderabad.

Well, we didn't want to repeat ourself. We could have focused on the fact that cricket is a fantastic sport where schoolboys can set world records. We could have focused on Vinod Kambli who, together with Sachin Tendulkar, held the previous record of 664. Vinod Kambli played 17 Tests, averaged 54.20, but bizarrely gained no further Test recognition. We could even have focused on just what percentage of the two boys' shots went for four. They made 720 in just forty overs and didn't hit a single six.

What we actually would have done, would have been to describe the achievement thus, like we always do:

Imagine you're playing cricket on your own. You're throwing a ball against a wall and then hitting it. Every time you hit the ball, you rather generously give yourself six runs, even when you blatantly mis-hit it. Even then, with everything going your way and no rules to slow you down, it's really, really hard to score that many runs.

That way of looking at run-scoring feats applies almost universally. The only exception is Matthew Hayden's former world Test record score of 380 against Zimbabwe: Anyone could have done that. It was essentially a worthless achievement. A non-achievement, even.

Cricket Australia tells racists to make more effort

Cricket Australia chief executive, James Sutherland, when asked about Monty Panesar being called 'a stupid Indian' responded: "I don't think there's too much racist about that."

The message is clear: Aussie racists have to pull their fingers out. They're not pulling their weight. If that's the best they can come up with, it's just not good enough.

James Sutherland could be more racist than that standing on his head.

Darren Lehmann hits 99

It was a while back that we wrote how Darren Lehmann should still be playing for Australia. We know that we're also championing Phil Jaques and technically there aren't enough middle-order spots to go round, but we don't care. We stand by our opinion.

Yesterday, Darren Lehmann hit 99 while almost all of his co-batsmen floundered. You could have put money on it. The man's a machine. A big, bald, lardy, run-scoring machine.

We're aware that in our previous post we allude to Adelaide being a batsmen-friendly surface and you could point out that this would devalue Darren Lehmann's innings, but you're wrong, because we concluded that England bowled well, so that balances things out. Besides, who says that you can't have it both ways? Of course you can. We are doing. We're having it this way and we're having it that way. We don't know what we're having, but if you've got a further way of having it, we're in.

Strike bowler Matthew Hoggard finds form

Matthew Hoggard nearly took a hat trick against South Australia. We don't know how close he was with the hat trick ball, but he certainly took two wickets in two balls. He finished with 3-40, so maybe he CAN bowl in Australia after all.

Adelaide's historically the best ground for batting in Australia, so England limiting South Australia to 247-7 declared wasn't bad. We're almost 100% certain that England are going to win every single Test by an innings and at least a hundred runs after this.

Stuart Clark's middle name is 'Rupert'

Lots of cricketers have faintly embarrassing middle names. Stuart Clark is one of them.

We hope we're not going to start picking on Stuart Clark now. We seem to have lost that part of the brain that tells you whether doing something's a good idea or not and stops you if it isn't.

Australia pretend that Shaun Tait or Mitchell Johnson might play

Australia have announced their squad for the first Test and made much of the fact that it contains no fewer than six pace bowlers. 'It's a terrifying arsenal,' they cry. 'Look out for the heavy artillery,' they warn. 'So who's actually going to play?' ask England.

Because of course, Australia aren't going to pick six quicks. They seem to be overlooking that. Glenn '70mph' McGrath will be playing. Brett 'bowling average of 41.10 in the last Ashes' Lee will be playing. Shane 'I'm actually a batsman really' Watson will be playing. This leaves one spot.

Is it going to be young, once-in-a-generation Mitchell Johnson who's already made a great start to his international career? Will it be Shaun Tait, who originally looked crap, not all that fast and admitted that he didn't care where the ball went; but who has now embraced accuracy and is actually capable of bowling at 95mph?

No. It's going to be Stuart Clark, isn't it? He's 31. He's accurate/dull. He did well against South Africa in his last series.

Stuart Clark will be fulfilling the Jason Gillespie/Michael Kasprowicz role during this Ashes series, ie, waiting to be dropped.

Justin Langer reminisces about the gold rush with Glenn McGrath

The guy on the left actually doesn't look all that much older than Justin Langer, but he does have a grey beard.

We're too far down this road to stop now.

Damien Martyn joins the campaign to persuade Gilchrist and Ponting that they're middle-aged

That's Damien Martyn in the middle. He's saying: 'Come on guys. Enough's enough. I've two nice, comfy armchairs with your names on, back at the home. I'll put the kettle on and you can have a bit of a doze. Someone'll wake you up mid-afternoon and we can have a game of bowls'.

We will quite simply NEVER TIRE of publishing pictures of Australian cricketers standing next to people who are older than they are and saying that the older-looking person is a team mate. It's the best game ever invented.

Matthew Hayden pleads with team mates to act their age

That's Hayden in the middle. Having previously reconciled himself to the ageing process, Hayden is now trying to persuade his teammates to be just as accepting, but to no avail.

Just because you're sportsmen doesn't mean you're young enough to wear tracksuits or, heaven forbid, sunglasses on your head. That's strike two against Gilchrist and Ponting. You're both well into your thirties. There's no shame in a sensible pair of action slacks and a turtle-necked woolly jumper, you know.

They could be wearing those clothes because they're extra comfy, we suppose, but it's unlikely. They look to be a bit of a snug fit and have an air of trendiness which is entirely inappropriate.

England jump for Joyce

That makes no sense. You don't 'jump' for players. You select them. We'd change it, but we can't be bothered thinking of another title.

Sadly, England's selectors have selected Ed Joyce as Marcus Trescothick's replacement. We rate Ed Joyce highly, but at the end of the day, he's competing against Rob Key here. There's only one way we were going to go with that. The point's moot anyhow. Joyce is in. Owais Shah was also rejected, despite being the next in line when injuries took their toll in India earlier in the year.

We're a bit puzzled by the batting hierarchy at the minute, if Joyce is ahead of Shah and Key. We were trying to work it out and eventually decided that they'd plumped for Joyce on the basis of youth. We're not sure about this, because the next generation of England batsmen are pretty much playing already with Cook, Bell and Pietersen holding down regular spots. You can look too far ahead.

Then we checked ages. It turns out that Ed Joyce is the oldest of the three, followed by Shah and then Key (time's still on his side), so it has to be assumed that Ed Joyce is being selected on ability and nothing besides, which is how it should be, really. He certainly is a class batsman and we suppose that the selectors have given hints by repeatedly picking him in one-day squads.

He's still not Rob Key though. You can justify it of a fashion, but the fact is that it will take at least two further injuries to front-line batsmen for Rob Key to play a part in this series. Nobody should treat Rob Key this way. NOBODY.

Marcus Trescothick to miss Ashes

Marcus Trescothick's 'stress-related condition' has flared up again and he's missing the Ashes. This is mighty bad. (We're not questioning the legitimacy of his condition with those inverted commas, incidentally - it's merely a reference to the predictability of the mainstream media who have settled on that phrase to explain his malaise.)

Marcus Trescothick is like a big, solid lump of familiarity at the top of the order. No, we'll go further than that: Marcus Trescothick IS a big, solid lump of familiarity at the top of the order. The reason why he's attained this status is because he's played heaps of games for England because he's so good at batting. To lose a player of his calibre is a bitter blow.

We wish Marcus the absolute best with his continuing struggle. If there were some way of indicating the absence of sarcasm, we'd have used it there. We're quite capable of genuine emotion, despite the vast majority of this site.

Most likely Alastair Cook will move up to open the batting with Andrew Strauss, thus removing England's selectorial headache surrounding the middle order. However, there is an alternative.

We should probably add that Mahinda beat us to that in the comments on our previous post. We were already thinking it though. Since about March.

Monty Panesar: Smart and English

Monty Panesar was called a 'stupid Indian' during England's warm-up against New South Wales by a dense prick in the crowd.

Just to clarify, Monty Panesar has a computer science degree and if you can't remember where he's from, just check the scoreboard. It says 'England' on it.

Maybe Monty should have responded that he was as Indian as the speaker was English. That would have gone down well. We're presuming that whoever it was, wasn't of Aboriginal descent.

The Sydney Daily Telegraph reports that the beered-up no-mark went on to add: "Give us a wave, Monty. You can't speak English, you stupid Indian. I'll have to say it in Indian," which you would have thought was an insanely optimistic offer on his part. Not least because there's no such language.

New South Wales' captain, Simon Katich, described the incident as 'disappointing'. When Matthew Hayden got bitten by a dog that time he described it as 'disappointing'. They seem to be a bit strapped for emotions Down Under at the minute. Everyone's just sharing the one.

England turn up the heat in an attempt to thicken the sauce

We're finishing with the culinary analogies now. They're wordy and increasingly meaningless.

The three-day muck-about against New South Wales has finished. Kevin Pietersen got his hundred. Then James Anderson took 3-40. How quick is he now? Does anyone know? We're just wondering whether the stress fracture has slowed him at all. Hope not.

The big news of the day was that Phil Jaques didn't get a hundred: He got four. We always said he was rubbish.

Brian Lara's still going

Although not in this innings. He's out for 122, which we think is his first Test hundred in Pakistan. He hasn't played there since his debut in 1990.

Each time Brian Lara scores a hundred we feel elated, but with a soupcon of melancholy. What if this is his last Test hundred? We don't know why we're worrying. He's still the West Indies' best batsman, just as he has been for the last fifteen years. Still, one day he's going to go and it will be a mighty sad day.

The West Indies are still slightly behind with four wickets remaining, as we write. There's one more day to go, so it'll be a tall order to save this Test. Brian Lara has given them the merest glimmer of hope, at least.

Age of Umpires

Apparently, if you complete the game you unlock Dickie Bird. He has special Superman vision, so he can be 100% accurate when giving lbw appeals.

We didn't write any of this. It's a bit too 'mainstream' for us. It's a page of the Uncyclopedia.

England achieve slow simmer

They're at the sort of temperature at which you cook a stew. It's not quite at the boil, but at least there's pans and heat involved, which didn't seem likely as recently as yesterday.

In their joke warm-up match against New South Wales, they took a few more wickets for not many runs in the morning and then toddled along to 256-4, which is nice and solid. Kevin Pietersen is on 80 not out, which is a welcome return to runs for a man who's never mentioned in the discussions about dropping middle-order batsmen, but yet who averages roughly the same as those who are.

Andy Flintoff's 48 not out, which is similarly reassuring. Any cynics who are suggesting that New South Wales' international bowlers are lulling England's batsmen into a false sense of security are seriously misunderstanding the Australian sporting psyche. Australians want to crush the English without mercy. It's as simple as that.

Mohammad Yousuf loves the big hundreds

Seemingly unfazed by the flat pitch that so offended him, Mohammad Yousuf ploughed on and made 192, which, coincidentally, was exactly how many he made in the Test before last. The guy's immense, flat pitch or otherwise.

The West Indies' big comeback in this match is a long time coming. They're 74-3 in their second innings - still one million runs adrift of Pakistan.

Mohammad Yousuf's on our side

Mohammad Yousuf hit an unbeaten hundred against the West Indies and then said that he thought the pitch was too flat and that pitches the world over are too flat. He's spot on. And that's coming from a batsman. Imagine how a bowler feels. Imagine how a rubbish bowler feels. Imagine how Jason Gillespie feels.

Mohammad Yousuf's performance did of course make a mockery of our assertion that the Windies are a side of increasing resilience. They conceded 265-4, rather than bowling out Pakistan in a display of determined defiance. We'll forgive Mohammad Yousuf because he agrees with us about the pitches.

Phil Jaques shows Aussies' strength in depth

Phil Jaques scored another hundred against England yesterday. He still isn't going to get picked for the first Test.

England might think that their batting has strength in depth these days, but they couldn't consider leaving out a player of Jaques' class. Not many sides could - Australia included, thinking about it. They're being obstinate and mental. At least we think they are: Technically, Australia haven't announced their side yet, so he could feature.

Damien Martyn fought his way back into the side by not playing and watching Brad Hodge score a Test double hundred, so maybe Phil Jaques has got his tactics wrong. He should put the kettle on and don a nice pair of carpet slippers. That's the way we've always approached our career in international sport at any rate.

Phil Jaques could have played for England, if he so chose, you know.

England scrabble around for the ignition switch

That's a reference to 'coming to the boil'. Excuse our nerves, but we've been conditioned to panic at losses in warm-up games Down Under. Previously, they heralded outright humiliation. We're still quite confident as far as the Ashes goes, but you can't throw away all these years of experience.

It's Pavlovian conditioning. England concede 325-5, as they did last night and we are conditioned to run round yelping: "No. No. The wheels are coming off. Abandon tour. ABANDON TOUR."

As Patrick described past Ashes tour matches on the Times' cricket blog the other day:

"Go to bed as England start to play and wake up eight hours later to a radio announcer saying 'and in cricket, England suffered a humiliating defeat...'"

Of course it's not so bad these days. England still lose warm-up games with alarming regularity, but when the Tests come, they inevitably get their act together. It's still a trifle worrying though. Steve Harmison got carted, for one thing. We'd really like a bit of reassurance from him before long. If Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison is replaced by Destructive Steve Harmison for the first Test, that's fine, but we'd really prefer the swap a little earlier.

Also during this tour match, Duncan Fletcher revealed that James Anderson is currently ahead of Sajid Mahmood. James Anderson bowled whereas Sajid Mahmood didn't, so this is unlikely to change.

Geraint Jones is England's wicketkeeper

Despite being dropped a couple of months ago in favour of Chris Read, Duncan Fletcher has confirmed that Geraint Jones will be England's wicketkeeper for the first Ashes Test.

At the time, the selectors seemed to indicate that Jones was being dropped as a result of poor form rather than anything more serious. They've had a quick look at Chris Read and given him a chance to make a big claim, but our feeling is that maybe they had always intended for Jones to keep his position for the Ashes.

We tend to agree with them and for much the same reasons given by Duncan Fletcher. Geraint Jones probably is the better batsman. He has extensive experience of Australian conditions, having been brought up there. His back-foot style of play suits Aussie pitches. Finally and most importantly, he has proved himself undaunted by the pressures that come with an Ashes series. This is not to be underestimated. A psychological war is in the offing and weaknesses will be ruthlessly exploited.

Obdurate Brian Lara shows the way

The West Indies have been rolled over again. King Cricket, Brian Lara, was just about the only batsman showing signs of resistance with 61. Nothing new?

We don't think that the Windies are going to crumble, as you might expect. It might look a familiar scenario for West Indies fans, but we genuinely believe that this side is becoming more competitive. We don't mean that in the way that most people mean it - likely to get beaten by a narrower margin than before. We mean that these players want to compete. They fight. They don't give up.

Mostly these signs have manifested themselves in one-day internationals, but the attitude can't be exclusive to that format. This is a side of increasing belief and resilience. We're putting money (imaginary money, as ever) on a fightback...

Umar Gul 'steps up'

With the vast majority of Pakistan's strike bowlers banned and the remainder out of favour, it was essential that someone 'step up' during the Test series against West Indies. Umar Gul took 5-65 today as West Indies were bowled out for just 206.

'Stepping up' is a brand of 'putting your hand up', we're led to believe. Essentially it involves 'performing well'. It usually involves making an extra special effort because somebody else isn't playing. Players rarely 'step up' when they're not needed, for some reason. You can only 'step up' when circumstances permit.

Umar Gul was sort of solid during the tour of England this summer. He's been around a while, but he was very much third-choice seamer, at best. In order to get his chance as the Pakistan attack's focal point, he needed a break. Fortunately for him Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif 'stepped up' while Mohammad Sami and Rana Naved-ul-Hasan 'stepped down'.

Shahid Nazir also 'stepped up', taking 3-42, but he didn't 'step up' quite as high as Umar Gul. Maybe he can put in an extra step during West Indies' second innings.

Dr Ian Botham

The University of Chester has given Ian Botham an honorary doctorate. Ian Botham is now a doctor of letters. No clue what that means. Presumably he can 'cure' malformed Fs and Ws.

The BBC include a quote from University Vice-Chancellor, Professor Tim Wheeler, who - if we're not much mistaken - is the lead singer in lame indie band, Ash. They're clearly doling out these academic qualifications to any old C-lister at The University of Chester.

Phil Jaques with our impartial hat on

England got battered. Phil Jaques did a good deal of the battering, hitting 112 off 110 balls.

We put Phil Jaques in our Australian team from an England perspective. We stand by that. Stick him in, Australian selectors. Everyone's waiting round for an injury to Hayden or Langer (or retirement). Why? Put him in at six. Or five. He WILL score runs.

Schizophrenic England make terrible start

The night before last, we dreamt that Australia had racked up 420-4 on the first day of the first Test. It was harrowing, but it reminded us of previous Ashes tours where England showed the game was up before it had even started. We were glad it wasn't like that any more.

Now who scheduled a one-day match to open England's Ashes tour? It's unforgivable. Remember before the last Ashes, England absolutely walloped Australia in a 'meaningless' Twenty20. Tours have momentum and a good few Australian warm-ups took the shine off their aura.

England don't especially have an aura, but tour momentum still applies and an Australian Prime Minister's XI played them into the gutter. Balls. England inserted their opponents who promptly hit 347-5. Our man Saj Mahmood went for 97 off nine overs, which is just... Well, you know what it is. In reply, England were bowled out for 181.

We're putting it down to England's schizophrenia: Test titans, one-day wallies.

We've never used the word 'wallies' before and we won't be doing so again. It's too early to think alliteratively and that's the best that we can manage.

Rob Key says something

It's pretty much our duty to report anything at all about Rob Key, even when it's transparently not news in any way.

"The dream scenario for me is to get the call-up, for whatever reason, score match-winning runs and win the Ashes." - Rob Key

This contrasts markedly with our dream scenario here at King Cricket:

"The dream scenario for us is for Rob Key to get the call-up, for whatever reason, score match-winning runs, win the Ashes and for everyone to recognise him as a god."

Rob Key goes on to describe what Australia's like during the Ashes:

“The whole place goes mad, it becomes cricket crazy.”

He's being modest, of course. Australia reacts that way because Rob Key's in town. It's nothing to do with the Ashes. They can take or leave the Ashes over there, but it's only very rarely they get to rub shoulders with a deity.

Previous Rob Key post | Next Rob Key post

Michael Vaughan could play in the Ashes

But he won't.

Michael Vaughan reckons that he's fit to play again and that he only needs to regain match fitness - that supreme level of physical well-being that can only be attained by standing around on a cricket pitch shouting: 'Come on. Let's get another two wickets before tea.'

There's talk of his being available for the third Test in Perth, but frankly it isn't going to happen.

Much as Vaughan is a crucial part of England's side, particularly as captain, the selectors are unlikely to take much of a gamble when there's so little reason. Already England are wondering which of Ian Bell, Alastair Cook and Paul Collingwood will be dropped - all of whom have been hugely successful this year. If Vaughan were to return, it would mean a second of those three missing out in favour of a player of questionable physical hardiness with no Test matches under his belt for a long time.

On the other hand, if things are going badly, there's Vaughan's record in Australia to take into account. During the last tour, playing in a side who were being massively outplayed, Vaughan scored over 600 runs including three huge hundreds.

Plus, he won the Ashes that time.

This is how big cricket is in India

We'd like to think that this tale explains cricket's popularity in India better than a whole host of journalists saying "cricket's massive in India" would. It probably doesn't.

If this isn't sounding too promising, let us just say that we get marginally humiliated by an eight-year-old midway through the story, so stick with it.

When we were in India, we found that young boys came and talked to us a lot. Other people we were with didn't seem to attract the same attention. We can't really explain it because (1) we're really grumpy and (2) we hate talking to people.

On one particular journey in Karnataka, we found ourself sitting next to this boy on a bus. He was about eight and we just knew he was bursting to talk to us. We were tired and didn't want to, but he couldn't help himself. Fortunately, he turned out to be quite a nice bloke.

As ever in these situations, we started with 'what name?' and 'what country?' We were on fairly safe ground here. His third question rather put us on the back foot though: 'What are the major crops of your country?'

What would you say? We produce quite a lot of graffiti. That's not a crop though. Minor celebrities? It's a tricky one if you're quite stupid and uninformed. We're quite stupid and uninformed, so we turned the question back on him. He listed loads of stuff.

Next we moved onto 'how many languages do you speak?' We thought we'd done quite well by saying two. French GCSE counts if you're talking to an eight-year-old in rural India. He's unlikely to be fluent enough to catch you out. It turned out he didn't need to, because like just about everybody else in the world he spoke five languages. Round two to Shaun - for that's what he reckoned his name was. We're still doubtful.

We decided to steer the talk into safer waters because some people were laughing at us. Cricket. You can't go wrong with cricket. And we didn't.

Now here's the bit where you fully and instantaneously comprehend the importance of cricket in India. This kid's eight. He lives in the back of beyond and these are his favourite cricketers, in order: Anil Kumble (no surprises there); Shaun Pollock (we'll put it down to the shared name); Alan Mullally (weird); and Bruce French...

Bruce French? We've pored over scorecards since we were about four and we still took a minute to remember. How many eight-year-olds in the UK know who Bruce French is? How many adults know who Bruce French is? He was one of Shaun's favourite cricketers. Not Michael Vaughan or Andrew Flintoff. We checked. Bruce French.

For those who don't know him, here's Bruce French's Cricinfo profile. Even they don't know him that well.

Hello Shaun, if you're reading. Our favourite Indian cricketers are Kenia Jayantilal, Dhiraj Parsana and Ghulam Parkar.

Anyone recognise Will Jefferson's mate?

You can blame today's lack of international cricket for this garbage. Surely Zimbabwe could have organised a match against Cambodia or someone. We've always got something to say about Zimbabwe.

If you didn't know that Will Jefferson was tall. Read this post about how Will Jefferson's tall.

Shahid Afridi is dropped

Pakistan have obviously been forced into some changes with their strike bowlers all being banned. They've also made a couple of unforced changes to their Test squad for the upcoming series against the Windies.

First and foremost, Shahid Afridi's been dropped. This is pretty much unforgivable from an impartial point of view, but really you can't blame them one bit. Omar Haq provided a water-tight case in favour of dropping him a couple of weeks ago. We sympathise entirely while simultaneously wishing he was playing.

Pakistan have also dropped Mohammad Sami and Rana Naved-ul-Hasan. We can understand the dropping of Sami, a gifted bowler whose confidence is subterranean, but Rana Naved-ul-Hasan's omission is puzzling to say the least.

The replacements include a slow left-armer called Abdur Rehman, who we've never heard of and Samiullah Niazi, who we love, despite never having seen him play, on the grounds that he's a left-armer and Pakistani - like Wasim Akram.

Finally, just to confirm that our cat will continue with the name Afridi, despite this setback.

Australia demand Hair explanation

That's the headline on the BBC at the moment. Who are Australia to ask for Hair explanations? We want a hair explanation off Australia. In fact, we demand it.

Just what is your excuse, Australia?

No time spent thinking up culprit number one - Jason Gillespie.


Or number two - Shane Warne.


Ricky Ponting - just what was going on here? He looks about sixty.


Damien Martyn - good blow-drying work. Bonus marks for village idiot expression.

West Indies collapse massively in Champions' Trophy final

That's pretty much all there is to say. Australia won the Champions' Trophy and now no-one cares again. It's very 'of the moment' the Champions' Trophy. We actually quite enjoyed it in the end, mostly because all the big nations are in one place at once and it would be hard for that not to be a big deal. As soon as it's finished though, it's forgotten.

Shane Watson saw Australia home with the only fifty of the match. The Tonk, on the Sydney Morning Herald site, described Watson as 'a raving metrosexual' the other day. We've always been a bit creeped out by his albino looks. He doesn't have eyelashes or something weird and his eyes are too blue.

Murali returns to Lancashire

If we had to work up a bit of enthusiasm for Lancashire's retention of Brad Hodge then this is the kind of work where they pay you a fortune for drinking tea and sleeping a bit: Lancashire have re-signed Muttiah Muralitharan, part-time genius, full-time nicest man in history.

He'll only be around for a handful of matches, no doubt. We'll definitely try and catch one of them. We'll sit at fine-leg and buy him an ice cream.

Stock photography's useless

We've been thinking about how we use lots of photographs on the site with pretty much no regard as to where they're from. The only rule we have is 'no Cricinfo photos' because we once described their airtight warnings about image theft.

This is what we'd be reduced to if we obeyed 'the law' and only used stock photography. We'd have to lie to you and reuse the same four pictures. The other alternative, paying for photos, is too horrific to even contemplate. Who says that crime's a bad thing. Just think how rubbish the site would be without the crime of stealing.

For some reason a search for 'cricket' in stock image libraries produced lots of pictures of lemurs, which we were quite pleased about - but it is irrelevant. This, as we're sure you're aware, is a cricket ball. This is pretty much the high water mark for stock images. We'd use this on just about every post.

We'd probably have to pretend that this was Brian Lara getting 'done' by a Glenn McGrath in-ducker.


This is Sachin Tendulkar going for 103 against Sri Lanka at Mohali...


And this is the new scoreboard at the MCG. In black and white. Even though things haven't been black and white since we were taught right and wrong.

To stealing! [Raises glass of booze, even though it's a weekday morning]

Chris Gayle hits his third hundred of the tournament

He's going okay, Chris Gayle: Three hundreds in seven innings. He's always had the ability to get an innings off to a flyer, but he's not stopping there at the minute. He and Shivnarine Chanderpaul seem to be making a rather handy opening partnership.

He bowls as well. He must be up there with the best one-day players around. He's taken 126 one-day international wickets at 31.89, which is no small amount. His one-day international batting average is 40.13 with 15 hundreds and he's an opener. That compares favourably with anyone.

Yesterday he hit 133 not out off 135 balls as the West Indies booked their place in the final of the Champions' Trophy. They're an increasingly handy outfit the Windies. They've got a couple of maturing bowlers who are taking the pressure off the batsmen. The West Indies have always had a decent batting line-up. They've just had a tendency to fold under pressure. Less pressure - less folding.

Mark Vermeulen's mental

This morning Mark Vermeulen had been arrested regarding the arson attack on the Zimbabwe Cricket Academy. Now he's been charged. He burnt down their academy. Why?

For those of you who maybe don't know him, Mark Vermeulen is an international cricketer. He plays for Zimbabwe. He's an international cricketing pyromaniac. He's a pyromaniacal international cricketer. He's a mental.

Earlier in the year he was banned from Lancashire cricket for three years (two suspended) after a bizarre hissy fit during a league match, which culminated in his throwing first a cricket ball and then a boundary marker at a spectator who'd annoyed him. One of his teammates had to drag him away.

His Cricinfo profile highlights another, more low-key, but even more petty incident, where he took the stumps in with him when given out lbw and subsequently locked himself in the changing rooms. He was 17 at the time. Not three. 17.

Mental.

Glenn McGrath... Oh balls...

In the first Champions' Trophy semi-final yesterday, Australia shuffled along non-commitally with the bat; then Glenn McGrath won the match by taking 3-22 in ten straight overs; then New Zealand made a bit of a comeback, falling short.

Rumours of Glenn McGrath's bowling decline seem greatly exaggerated. He was never quick anyway, so what can go wrong? He's not going to shrink. He'll still be playing when he's 50 with three times the experience of anyone. It's a heart-warming nightmare of the highest order.

That's a good aspect of cricket compared to many other sports. Players hang around longer. Combine that with the fact that you see a good deal more of players than you do in most sports due to the length of matches and you get to know these guys pretty well. It lends an intimacy to proceedings which in turn fleshes out the matches yet more.

It's a drug, we tell you.

Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif are banned

Tell you what: This is a real kick in the teeth for cricket fans. We're the ones getting a raw deal out of this.

Shoaib Akhtar has been banned for two years and that could be pretty much it for him. Never say never with Pakistani cricket, but he's getting on a bit. He's 31. Mohammad Asif has been banned for a year. They seem to be citing his naivity as a reason for the shorter ban.

We're not blaming the Pakistani Cricket Board for this. The players were guilty. The PCB had no choice. We're blaming Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif and those around them for depriving cricket of two of its finest bowlers.

Fast bowling's been going through something of a lean period over the last few years and Pakistan seemed to be one nation who were likely to redress the balance. Shoaib Akhtar had been showing much greater consistency and - ironically - greater maturity to boot. Mohammad Asif has been one of the bowling finds of recent times. In a world of ageing stars, he was a younger bowler who looked the part.

The stupid thing is that cricket's not a game that can get massively affected by doping, so it was clearly avoidable. We're livid.

Matthew Hayden is a complete wuss

Define 'cheap shot'...

Matthew Hayden's got a broken finger. His coach says: "He'll wear a brace, a little plastic brace that our physio has made up for him. The concern was whether they could get the brace to fit properly, and get some sort of comfort for Haydos."

Ahh. Poor little lamb. Needs a FingaBendaMenda to play cricket.

We've never broken a bone in our entire life. We bruised a knuckle by inadvertently punching the floor when trying to remove a nail from the skirting board about two months ago and we're still whinging about it like the puny, pommy girl we are.

We don't care. We'll still call Matthew Hayden a wuss. That brief moment of reflection where we felt that maybe we were being hard on Matthew Hayden seems to have passed over without effect anyway.

Brad Hodge re-signs for Lancashire

That's 're-signs for' not 'resigns from'.

We were initially disappointed to hear that Brad Hodge had signed for Lancashire for two more years. Why? Well we didn't think he really pulled his weight in the middle-order and we're a big believer in getting a bowler as your overseas player. As we've previously mentioned: Bowlers win matches.

Then we thought about it for more than a fraction of a second. Lancashire can list among their bowlers Andrew Flintoff, Sajid Mahmood, James Anderson, Glen Chapple, Dominic Cork, Gary Keedy, Tom Smith and Kyle Hogg. You could realistically permute several representative England bowling attacks from those players: Current England, Former England, England Nearly-Men, Future England.

Then we thought about Lancashire's middle-order batsmen: Stuart Law. Fantastic as it would be to have Stuart Law batting at four, five and six, the poor guy would get confused as to which end to run to and the scorers would have a nightmare working out which Stuart Law had scored which runs.

Then we read that Brad Hodge topped Lancashire's batting averages last year.

Then we remembered that we actually quite rate Brad Hodge and that he's been dropped by Australia and will therefore be resoundingly available for the season, unlike most overseas players.

Moral: Spend more than a fraction of a second thinking about some stuff. Not all stuff, though. You don't have time.

Freddie Flintoff on EA Cricket 2007

An off the cuff verdict from Andrew Flintoff on his continuing association with EA Cricket:

“It’s great to return for the second year working with EA SPORTS. Their previous games have been a good source of entertainment and relaxation for myself and the team when on tour, and I’m sure the competition will be just as fierce this time round between the lads as we look to retain the Ashes on the Cricket 07 game, as well as looking to do it for real out in Australia.”

In no way were those words put in Flintoff's mouth. If you were going to blatantly make up a quote for someone to advertise your product, don't you think that you'd make it a bit snappier?

We're looking forward to the picture above reappearing only with '2005' replaced by '2007'.

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