Mohammad Yousuf earns the ultimate accolade

We were starting to get a bit worried about Mohammad Yousuf's run of form. There comes a point where a cricketer has performed so exceptionally, for so long, that there's nothing left to say. At this point it's hard to muster the superlatives to laud them as they deserve. What do you do?

You issue them with a Transformer, if you're us.

Yes, Mohammad Yousuf is so richly deserving that we're imploring the ICC or the PCB or any other cricketing acronym, to present him with Scourge (pictured). Look at him. Look at Scourge. What a smashing Transformer. You've really got to be going some to be deserving of Scourge. What an honour.

Mohammad Yousuf, having hit YET ANOTHER hundred today, has now scored more Test runs in a calendar year than anyone... Ever. Well done, that man. His nine Test centuries this year are also a record.

Sourav Ganguly's in India's Test squad

Can. Of. Worms.

We heard a rumour about this yesterday, but we didn't think it was at all credible: Sourav Ganguly has been brought back into India's Test squad.

This is wrong. It really is. We've nothing against Ganguly, but the guy attracts extremes of emotion. Things were just starting to die down after he was axed as captain and subsequently dropped, but this is like filling a pan with napalm and putting it on the fire to simmer for a bit.

Plus he's kind of crap in Tests, or at least he had been for the last year or so in the national side. He's a more than decent one-day player, but even one-day selection would be a retrogressive step. India's hardly short of batting talent, even if their performances in their current series in South Africa haven't shown that. They just don't need him.

He performed badly in county cricket this season. We believe that he's made one hundred in Indian domestic cricket. All Ganguly's selection does is jab a huge, double-handed sword into an open, infected wound and wriggle it around a bit.

The other minus point is that we realised that we've always spelt his first name wrong, up until now. That makes us more upset than you might think.

Sensational news leading up to the second Test

The combined might of the British and Australian media are trying to make you think that things are happening in the run-up to the next Test, but they aren't. Here's what's going on:

• - Various people are saying that Steve Harmison will 'bounce back'. Of course no-one actually knows, so we'll just have to wait until the start of the cricket to find out.
• - Matthew Hayden thinks that England's batsmen will struggle against Warne in Adelaide. Of course he doesn't know this for a fact. Again, we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
• - Matthew Hayden also thinks that Australia's batsmen won't have too many problems with Monty Panesar. Of course most of Australia's batsmen have never faced Panesar, so this is really just brash, unfounded optimism.
• - Glenn McGrath didn't bowl in the nets. Will he make the Test? Will he not? Let's wait and find out.
• - Michael Vaughan actually played a cricket match. Will England unveil him midway through the series? Some might say that only time will tell.

That's right: Journalists are earning their salaries by producing articles, just as they have since the dawn of time. That's the best news that we can come up with: Journalists are writing stuff. We sneer and say it's not news, yet hands up who's read versions of every last one of those stories in up to six different places?

We can't get enough of it.

Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for experts

1: Be tall.

2: Land six balls out of six, three inches outside off-stump. When you hit the seam, the ball should strike the very top of off-stump if it goes one way and should find the edge of the bat if it goes the other way.

It's sometimes helpful to identify a particular blade of grass to aim for. That way you know at what exact fraction of a picosecond to release the ball.

Don't worry if you're out by a millimetre or so - it'll keep the batsman guessing and you can also make the most of any uneven bounce.

3: If the pressure's on and you need to restrict the flow of runs, apply steps one to two.

4: If the pressure's on and you need to take wickets, apply steps one to two.

Also see Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for beginners

Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for beginners

1: Be tall.

2: Try and land six balls out of six, three inches outside off-stump. When you hit the seam, the ball should strike the very top of off-stump if it goes one way and should find the edge of the bat if it goes the other way.

It's sometimes helpful to identify a particular blade of grass to aim for. That way you know at what exact fraction of a picosecond to release the ball.

3: Beginners often make the mistake of not being tall or of landing the ball in several different spots. If you're prone to these mistakes, apply steps one to two.

Also see Glenn McGrath's bowling tips for experts

Mohammad Yousuf suffers inexplicable loss of form

It was bound to happen sooner or later. No man can maintain such a standard of batting indefinitely. Not even Don Bradman. Mohammad Yousuf lost his wicket for just 102 today.

To put that in context, 102 was only narrowly more than double the next highest score by a Pakistani batsman. As he trudged off disconsolately, it was impossible not to feel for him: A deity reduced to a mere demigod.

Stop sneering at Paul Collingwood

Paul Collingwood's been quite firmly branded with the 'makes the most of his talent' tag. It's pissing us off. 'Making the most of your talent' is a prerequisite for any international sportsman. The insinuation is that he makes the most of not a lot of talent.

At least one cricket writer described Collingwood as 'out of his depth' after England's first innings. He's not. He just scored 96.

It's patronising to talk like this, but mostly it's inaccurate. Paul Collingwood's not from the Mark Richardson, 'three shots including the forward defensive', school of batting - Richardson's Test average was 44.77, incidentally. He's got plenty of shots. In fact, gifted wunderkind, Alastair Cook, said after they'd both scored hundreds together earlier in the year that he was having trouble getting the ball off the square and that he admired Collingwood's ability to manoevre the ball and keep the scoreboard ticking over. Who was the grafter there?

You'd think that England supporters raised on an inspid diet of Graeme Hick and Mark Ramprakash would recognise that a God-given talent is by no means the most important factor determining a batsman's success. Ask Steve Waugh. In fact do, because Steve Waugh once said that he thought Paul Collingwood was good.

The Justin Kemp Tactic

We've known about the Justin Kemp Tactic for quite some time now. It's South Africa's only one-day tactic and, if we're perfectly honest, it's exactly the same as the Lance Klusener Tactic.

It runs as follows. South Africa's top-order batsmen steadily build a platform and when a wicket falls with about 10 or 20 overs to go, Justin Kemp is launched from said platform by a thermonuclear detonation in his special 'rocket shoes'.

Today Justin Kemp hit exactly 100 not out off 89 balls. It wasn't a classically executed example of the Justin Kemp Tactic, in that he came in a bit early and a bit low in the order. However, from then on, things went swimmingly.

We like Justin Kemp. He likes to swing the bat.

Ricky Ponting spurns the follow-on

Is it 2006 or 1996? The team of resilient battlers crafted by Hussain and transformed into world-beaters by Vaughan is nowhere to be seen. In its place we've got a load of insipid ringers.

Don't give up hope yet, though. We're sure it takes longer than five days to dismantle so much good work. These players have pride and though it may seem unlikely at present, more than a little class. They'll come good before this series is out. We only hope that it's soon. Very soon.

Some people seem baffled by Ricky Ponting's decision to decline to enforce the follow-on. We don't think it's a bad move. Psychologically, he's crushing England. In fact, psychologically, he's crushing us. We already have to stare into a bright light for six hours a day to combat the misery of a British winter. Before long we'll have to devise a special plinth so we can sit the sun on the bridge of our nose for 24 hours a day.

The ease of Australia's batting sandwiched between what may turn out to be two atrocious England innings will remove the argument that the pitch deteriorated. But mostly he wants to ensure that his bowlers get the most out of the new ball. This seems to be our theme for this match: Using the new ball well. It's no coincidence that England wasted it and conceded 600, whereas Australia made the most of every ball and knocked England over.

If Australia had enforced the follow-on, McGrath, Lee and Clark would have been about 90% and that could have made a difference. As it is, they'll put their feet up, sleep soundly and come out tomorrow raring to go.

Ponting's leaving nothing to chance.

Even more reckless optimism

Wait! We've got another one.

The favourites, with home advantage, choose to bat in the first Test. They amass a monstrous total leaving their opponents with over three days to try and bat out a draw. The visitors lose early wickets and it seems that all is lost. But it isn't. The visitors save the Test and draw the series.

Obviously there are a number of flaws in this line of thinking. England were on the receiving end for one thing. Also, England would have to find some way of disguising Mahela Jayawardene as Steve Harmison, which is a tough ask.

On the other hand, Sri Lanka's tour of England over the summer is a worthwhile template. They started like rank amateurs and found their way as they got used to conditions. It would be better if sides were acclimatised by the start of a series, but warm-ups seem to be frowned upon these days.

Tell you what we frown upon: Incompetent cricket as a result of unfamiliarity with playing conditions. That and 'being sociable'. We've no time for that.

Unleash the masterplan

Okay. It's taken us a while, but we've got it: England are sacrificing this match for the greater good.

It's important to remember that this is a five match series. We've only had two days so far, so there's a long, long way to go. By the end of the series there will be some tired legs. This is England's plan.

Step one, let Australia rack up an enormous amount of runs. Step two, bat for ages, following-on, if need be. Australia have only got four bowlers, so three days in the field will wipe them out. Glenn McGrath can't run in for long. Stuart Clark's in his thirties. Brett Lee will take up the slack and then he'll be cream-crackered. It's all coming together.

The next step is to win the toss in the next Test (we're not totally certain how England will manage this, but rest assured they've got a plan). They'll win the toss and they'll bat, for another three days. Glenn McGrath will be bowling about 40mph by this point. He'll be desperate for an afternoon snooze and a pint of mild.

They're playing right into our hands!

Ambassador, with this humble pie you are really spoiling us

To be fair, we did say that batting was only easy after 20 overs. Inherent in that comment is the fact that it is DOUBLY important to see off the new ball.

At 53-3 after 17 overs, England have manifestly failed to do this, in much the same way as they manifestly failed to make use of the ball for the first 20 overs when bowling. This is thrown into even sharper relief by the fact that Glenn McGrath didn't waste one single delivery. As expected. Andrew Strauss can feel particularly ashamed. We miss you, Marcus.

England are already unlikely to save this Test, but there's still plenty to play for. They certainly shouldn't give up on the draw, so they can try for that as a primary aim. It's still a good pitch, so it's not beyond the bounds of possibility. It's just unlikely. Secondly, they should aim to make life difficult for the Aussies. If they allow themselves to get steam-rollered there'll be no respite until they go home at the end of the tour.

Finally, they can aim to do some damage to the Australian bowlers. They can do this in two ways. They can score runs against them and show that their wickets will be hard to come by for the remainder of the series. They can also bat for a long time (they hardly have a choice). It's not so ridiculous as it sounds to say that they can wear out Australia's bowlers. Sure, they're professional sportsmen at peak fitness and all that. On the other hand, there are only four of them and they're getting on a bit. There's a reason why players retire.

Mohammad Yousuf DOESN'T hit 192

It's a miracle. Mohammad Yousuf batted. He scored runs. Yet he DIDN'T make 192. It's some kind of miracle. He only made 191. Consequently, Pakistan drew with the West Indies.

In his last four matches, Yousuf can now boast two 192s and 191. He really needs to start converting some of these big hundreds into doubles.

Shameful batting.

Kookaburra balls

If you think this post is an excuse for England's poor bowling performance - it isn't. It was bad and we'd be unable to defend it. It doesn't change the fact that Kookaburra cricket balls are rubbish though and being as we're in a bad mood, we may as well slag them off. It might make us feel better.

The reason why we hate Kookaburra balls is because of the narrow window of wicket-taking that they provide. We've written before about how we're sick of batsmen having everything their own way. We enjoy a wicket more than a hundred and they're damn hard to come by these days.

The Kookaburra ball has two flaws. Firstly, it has a less pronounced seam than the English Duke ball. This only benefits the batsman. Secondly, it stops swinging after about twenty overs, so that's another weapon removed from the bowlers. Add this to the even-bouncing Australian wickets and clear blue skies and it's game over.

As a bowler, you're just hoping for mistakes for the most part. Experienced batsmen don't make many of these. Take a look at the number of Tests each of Australia's top order has played. They're not going to make many mistakes.

Time and again during the first day at the Gabba you'd see the ball angling into an Aussie batsman's pads. This isn't such a bad delivery if the ball's doing something. The batsman can't close the face and whip the ball into the leg side if he thinks that there could be a bit of outswing or seam movement. With a crappy Kookaburra ball, there's no deterrent. The ball's just going to carry on, straight as an Australian sportsman, so the batsman can do with it what he wants.

Theoretically, this means that England should find batting easier too, but no doubt wickets will tumble and we'll be choking on foul-tasting humble pie.

Stupid humble pie. We've got a freezer full of the stuff.

Andrew Flintoff bowling

Andrew Flintoff was England's best bowler by quite a wide margin. Each of his spells only served to emphasise just how poor and/or ineffective everyone else was.

On this pitch, against these batsmen, with these cricket balls, bowlers really do have to make it count, particularly with the new ball. Steve Harmison was dire, progressing to nearly-respectable. Matthew Hoggard was predictably solid yet ineffectual. James Anderson bowled some good balls and a number of bad ones.

Andrew Flintoff, however, put the ball exactly where he wanted straight away. He started accurately, testing the batsmen, and the more he bowled, the quicker he got. Either he doesn't get nervous, or he's got a technique that he can totally rely on.

England's Rugby World Cup winning fly-half, Jonny Wilkinson, once said: "I always aim to be able to leave the training pitch confident of my technique." That confidence is just as important as having the technique. If you've got faith in your method, that will go some way to calming your nerves.

Andrew Flintoff is clearly secure in his method, as is Matthew Hoggard. Steve Harmison clearly isn't. Whether he needs extra practice to sort his technique is arguable. That he needs extra practice to fight back the doubt, is surely undeniable.

Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison

We're not a sports graduate or an ECB cricket coach, like this guy, but we're fairly certain that international bowlers should know where the ball's going. We're absolutely positive that second slip shouldn't be in any danger.

We stayed up to watch the Ashes like the good writing-about-cricket-every-day-person that we are. We made it until tea before all the caffeine wore off. Earlier, as the first ball was about to be bowled, we were literally on the edge of our seat. We were secretly quite pleased that England had lost the toss, because our fantasy about Steve Harmison knocking over the Australian top order could still happen. Steve Harmison ran in and bowled the most monstrous wide you're ever likely to see.

Don't get us wrong. We love Steve Harmison. That's why he plays such a major part in our Day One of the Ashes Fantasy. We're just pissed off that he ruined it.

We don't much care whether it's nerves, rhythm, falling away in the delivery stride or a poor wrist position. We don't even care if it's because the Gabba's infested with Wombles and they kept surfacing underneath him during his run-up. All we care about is that England players are ready to perform at the best of their abilities. Frankly, there are enough staff down there to ensure this happens.

Who knows, maybe Destructive Steve Harmison will replace Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison tomorrow. All we're saying is we'd like to see a lot less of the latter.

Ashes nerves

We're really quite edgy. It's a bit disappointing. All we've been doing recently is reading and what are we going to be doing when the match starts later on?

Will we be standing padded-up in front of 40,000 people trying to preserve our wicket and physical well-being? No. Will we be roaring in with the ball with a nation's hopes on our shoulders? No. We'll be sitting in a chair trying not to fall asleep. That's hardly a stretch. We do that all the time. We're doing it now.

The next step on our road to becoming an England cricketer is to become 'mentally tough'. This time next year we'll look rather less heartbroken when someone says something about our dress sense. We'll have fewer tantrums when we can't do fiddly stuff with small things. (We're not massively dextrous.)

Iron will and steely determination. We'll have perfected metallurgy of the mind.

Tea is the key

Australia's bloody miles away from England. They're in a different time zone. We all have to find ways of coping with the irregular hours.

We made the mistake of vaguely complaining about this to an Australian friend the other day. It elicited no sympathy whatsoever. The response was something along the lines of: 'Oh boo hoo. You'll have to stay up late for once. Every bloody sporting event's on during the night here.'

Once he'd finished, he offered some advice. His frankly revolutionary technique is to have two sleeps. One from early evening until start of play and then another later on. We're not trying it, because we're not one for this 'waking up' thing that people often talk about. His second ploy rang true, however and it's catchy: Tea is the key. This is the kind of thinking we can latch on to.

That's our Rhinolast mug in the picture. It's chipped and naff, but it says 'Rhinolast' on it and it's bright yellow. After about ten years, we only just went to the trouble of finding out what Rhinolast was. Disappointingly it's a nasal spray for allergies. We've no time for allergies or their treatments. It's a sign of weakness. If you're allergic to stuff, you'd die out in the wild.

We wouldn't die out in the wild because somebody would look after as through pity. Our abject uselessness is a survival mechanism.

Time takes its toll

Throughout the last Ashes series, much was made of the difference in ages between the two sides. This was to be the last time that this great Australian team would take the field in an Ashes series, whereas this England team was going to go from strength to strength over the next few years.

Well that was a load of rubbish, wasn't it? That Ashes-winning England team may never take the field again. Simon Jones, Michael Vaughan and Trescothick will all miss this entire series. Ashley Giles is fighting his way back, although it remains to be seen whether he will be selected.

In contrast, Australia have dropped one left-handed middle order batsman in Simon Katich, replacing him with another in Mike Hussey and dropped one tall medium-pacer in Jason Gillespie replacing him with another in Stuart Clark.

Injury has prevented England from fielding the same side. Injury has prevented Australia from fielding a new one, or at least a new style one. Shane Watson's injury has meant a recall for Michael Clarke and, most likely, the retention of the reliable and accurate Stuart Clark over the more exciting, but less reliable pace prospect Mitchell Johnson.

Brian Lara: Legend, master, genius

Sporting hyperbole gets devalued over time. The phrase that originally had such bite falls into regular usage and becomes commonplace.

Once upon a time you had to be mythical to be a legend. This was refined in the sporting world and the word came to refer to the greats of yesteryear. More recently, players still plying their trade (or 'art') have been labelled legends. Now all you have to do is hit a resolute thirty and you're a legend in the eyes of the fans.

Enough! It's making it hard to explain the true class of Brian Charles Lara, because here is a batsman who lords it over all others. Today, Brian Lara hit a hundred before lunch - the fifth batsman to do so. Having reached his hundred off only 77 balls, he slowed down, but he's still there on 196 not out, having cut, pulled and driven the Pakistani bowling attack into cowering submission.

Danish Kaneria apparently bowled quite well, but at one point 29 balls to Brian Lara were dispatched for 60 runs, including 26 off one over: The kind of over that divides a great batsman from the rest for longer than just a mere six balls. To think that the other day we were describing the melancholy feeling that came with thinking that each Brian Lara hundred could be the last. He's not finished yet. Not even nearly, judging by his current form.

In light of this softening of the vocabulary of sport, we're struggling to sum this up. We're going to have to revert to more everyday speech. Perhaps that will have more impact in a world where every second cricketer is described in terms that would make Don Bradman blush:

It's very difficult to compare different batsmen, at different times, against different bowling attacks. But insofar as it's possible to do this, Brian Lara has, at times in his career, batted better than just about anyone else has ever batted.

Monty and Afridi's Ashes prediction

They say that the animals are always the first to know, so let's ask them: Who is going to win the Ashes?

You've already met our cat Afridi. Meet his brother, Monty.


Now the premise is simple. Every possible Ashes result is represented by a foodstuff. Whichever foodstuff Monty and Afridi select will be the outcome of the series.


An England win is represented by some tuna fish, the draw by some cat biscuits and a win for Australia is represented by a leaf of lollo rosso. It's time to decide...


Monty's first to make his decision. He immediately plumps for an England win. Hurray!


Afridi also goes for an England win. It's unanimous. The animals have spoken: England will win the Ashes!


Monty and Afridi subsequently revealed that they consider the draw to be a possible outcome, but they didn't even think about an Australian win. In fact they spurned it altogether in favour of going to stare at the settee for a while.

Jerome Taylor brings delayed riposte

We wrongly predicted a stunning West Indies fightback in the first Test against Pakistan. It turns out that they were just biding their time until the second Test.

At 212-2 and even 315-5, Pakistan looked well-set for one of their traditionally humungous first innings totals, as is their wont at home. Thanks to Jerome Taylor they collapsed to 357 all out. He finished with 5-91. We still haven't seen him live, but he's quick and he takes wickets, so we can't see any problems. We've previously included a video of the hat-trick he took during the Champions' Trophy.

After that, the West Indian openers made the most of the momentum by reaching 151-0 at the close of play. You see: Bowling's always the key.

We're making a conscious effort to not ignore the whole of the rest of the cricketing world while the Ashes are on. You're with us, right?

Ian Bell and Paul Collingwood skulk around patiently

Ian Bell made 132 and Paul Collingwood 80 in England's drawn tour match against South Australia. Neither player was entirely certain of his Test place at the start of the tour, despite Bell averaging 47.66 and Collingwood 41.08. Now that Marcus Trescothick has returned home, both seem certain to start the first Test.

Marcus Trescothick is pretty much irreplaceable, but both these players deserve their place in the side, so 'every cloud' and all that. Both have a point to prove against Australia, however. During the last series, Ian Bell seemed to make a conscious decision to leave any of Shane Warne's deliveries that were straight and on the stumps. This was a bad ploy. Paul Collingwood played just the final Test, where he scored the finest 10 in living memory.

Along with Alastair Cook, Australia will look on these two as the weak links in England's batting line-up, but that might not be the case. Paul Collingwood is England's most adcaptable and determined batsman - one who has earned his place in the side in the truest sense. Ian Bell is arguably their classiest. In front of us is a copy of Indian magazine The Sportstar, dated April 6, 2002. Inside is an article about Ian Bell being the answer to England's problems at number three. It's been a long time coming, but he's still only 24 and his best years are unarguably ahead of him.

Those Indian school kids and their world record partnership

A couple of people have contacted us to question why we haven't included a post about the recent world record partnership of 720 between B Manoj Kumar and Mohammed Shaibaaz Tumbi (spellings from Cricinfo) for St Peter's High School in Hyderabad.

Well, we didn't want to repeat ourself. We could have focused on the fact that cricket is a fantastic sport where schoolboys can set world records. We could have focused on Vinod Kambli who, together with Sachin Tendulkar, held the previous record of 664. Vinod Kambli played 17 Tests, averaged 54.20, but bizarrely gained no further Test recognition. We could even have focused on just what percentage of the two boys' shots went for four. They made 720 in just forty overs and didn't hit a single six.

What we actually would have done, would have been to describe the achievement thus, like we always do:

Imagine you're playing cricket on your own. You're throwing a ball against a wall and then hitting it. Every time you hit the ball, you rather generously give yourself six runs, even when you blatantly mis-hit it. Even then, with everything going your way and no rules to slow you down, it's really, really hard to score that many runs.

That way of looking at run-scoring feats applies almost universally. The only exception is Matthew Hayden's former world Test record score of 380 against Zimbabwe: Anyone could have done that. It was essentially a worthless achievement. A non-achievement, even.

Cricket Australia tells racists to make more effort

Cricket Australia chief executive, James Sutherland, when asked about Monty Panesar being called 'a stupid Indian' responded: "I don't think there's too much racist about that."

The message is clear: Aussie racists have to pull their fingers out. They're not pulling their weight. If that's the best they can come up with, it's just not good enough.

James Sutherland could be more racist than that standing on his head.

Darren Lehmann hits 99

It was a while back that we wrote how Darren Lehmann should still be playing for Australia. We know that we're also championing Phil Jaques and technically there aren't enough middle-order spots to go round, but we don't care. We stand by our opinion.

Yesterday, Darren Lehmann hit 99 while almost all of his co-batsmen floundered. You could have put money on it. The man's a machine. A big, bald, lardy, run-scoring machine.

We're aware that in our previous post we allude to Adelaide being a batsmen-friendly surface and you could point out that this would devalue Darren Lehmann's innings, but you're wrong, because we concluded that England bowled well, so that balances things out. Besides, who says that you can't have it both ways? Of course you can. We are doing. We're having it this way and we're having it that way. We don't know what we're having, but if you've got a further way of having it, we're in.