Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison

We're not a sports graduate or an ECB cricket coach, like this guy, but we're fairly certain that international bowlers should know where the ball's going. We're absolutely positive that second slip shouldn't be in any danger.

We stayed up to watch the Ashes like the good writing-about-cricket-every-day-person that we are. We made it until tea before all the caffeine wore off. Earlier, as the first ball was about to be bowled, we were literally on the edge of our seat. We were secretly quite pleased that England had lost the toss, because our fantasy about Steve Harmison knocking over the Australian top order could still happen. Steve Harmison ran in and bowled the most monstrous wide you're ever likely to see.

Don't get us wrong. We love Steve Harmison. That's why he plays such a major part in our Day One of the Ashes Fantasy. We're just pissed off that he ruined it.

We don't much care whether it's nerves, rhythm, falling away in the delivery stride or a poor wrist position. We don't even care if it's because the Gabba's infested with Wombles and they kept surfacing underneath him during his run-up. All we care about is that England players are ready to perform at the best of their abilities. Frankly, there are enough staff down there to ensure this happens.

Who knows, maybe Destructive Steve Harmison will replace Faintly Underwhelming Steve Harmison tomorrow. All we're saying is we'd like to see a lot less of the latter.

Andrew Flintoff bowling

Andrew Flintoff was England's best bowler by quite a wide margin. Each of his spells only served to emphasise just how poor and/or ineffective everyone else was.

On this pitch, against these batsmen, with these cricket balls, bowlers really do have to make it count, particularly with the new ball. Steve Harmison was dire, progressing to nearly-respectable. Matthew Hoggard was predictably solid yet ineffectual. James Anderson bowled some good balls and a number of bad ones.

Andrew Flintoff, however, put the ball exactly where he wanted straight away. He started accurately, testing the batsmen, and the more he bowled, the quicker he got. Either he doesn't get nervous, or he's got a technique that he can totally rely on.

England's Rugby World Cup winning fly-half, Jonny Wilkinson, once said: "I always aim to be able to leave the training pitch confident of my technique." That confidence is just as important as having the technique. If you've got faith in your method, that will go some way to calming your nerves.

Andrew Flintoff is clearly secure in his method, as is Matthew Hoggard. Steve Harmison clearly isn't. Whether he needs extra practice to sort his technique is arguable. That he needs extra practice to fight back the doubt, is surely undeniable.