Scott Styris's hair

Did anyone catch sight of Scott Styris's 'do' last night? It's ludicrous.

Styris is a dork, even by the standards of New Zealand cricket. They all seem like nice guys, but, you know, maybe TOO nice. We reckon that we could face most of them down and a friend coined the word 'geekotron' to describe us the other day.

Scott Styris, Joe Uncool, has clearly decided to address his innate dorkiness, seemingly ignorant of the fact that there is NOTHING HE CAN DO, because his dorkiness is far too deep-rooted to be affected by anything like a haircut.

As a result of this, he has in fact compounded the situation by affecting a sort of horrendous mish-mash of 'the fin' and 'the mullet' - already the two worst haircuts ever created.

We can't find a good picture, unfortunately. If you saw him last night, you'll appreciate that this is probably for the best.

Scott Styris's stupid beard

We've decided to upgrade The Leviathan to a kraken after he hit yet another 50 yesterday. The Kraken is a particularly fitting moniker due to its repellent visage.

Once again, we reiterate: Scott Styris, aka The Colossus, aka The Leviathan, aka The Kraken, is unstoppable.

He's unstoppable in more than one respect as well. Not content with having not one, but two of the world's stupidest haircuts, The Kraken has now decided to grow a ridiculous beard. It really is stunningly ludicrous - he doesn't have the hair colour to pull off any kind of facial hair.

Sorry, we can't find a photo of it yet, but we assure you that it's there inside that helmet.

Scott Styris is a World Cup colossus

Yes, Scott Styris is a World Cup version of a 30 metre high statue of Helios, the Greek god of the sun, built over 2,000 years ago.

Maybe we're wrong. After all, Helios was supposed to be 'a bit of a looker' and with all due respect to Scott Styris, he's more troll-like than divinely handsome. Plus, a god - any god - would think twice before getting a haircut like Scott Styris's.

'The fin' and 'the mullet' are the two worst haircuts of all time. Why has Scott Styris attempted to combine them in unholy union? A friend of ours has a theory that Scott's a country boy for whom the mullet is a default hair setting. From this starting point, he has attempted to modernise, taking only the most striking aspects of 'the fin' yet ignoring the unsung low-key elements.

After taking 1-35 and hitting 80 not out to win New Zealand their Super 8 match against the West Indies yesterday, Scott Styris now averages 129 with the bat and 20.25 with the ball during this World Cup.

We still haven't found a good photo of Scott Styris's hair, but we have found this one of him giving thanks for Helios's life-giving rays.