Matthew Hayden drops from notch one

"The Platinum Club is basically the top-order batsmen - the 'engine room', we call ourselves - plus one of the interior decorators in Damien Martyn. The fast bowlers aren't invited." - Matthew Hayden

Berk.

To think that it was only yesterday that we were wondering whether we were wrong about Matthew Hayden; that maybe he was actually an all right bloke. And it was only a few days before that that we decided that he'd gone up a notch.

The Platinum Club: You can't give yourselves a name like that. You don't get to pick your own nicknames. Ask anyone. Nicknames are humiliating because nobody wants to make their mates sound cooler than themselves. Most probably Matthew Hayden's real nickname revolves around his giant arse.

Suggestions are welcome.

Matthew Hayden is duller and less popular than his fishing rod

In an interview with The Australian (newspaper), Hayden describes how he saw a group of people fishing off the rocks near the team hotel in Galle when Australia were on tour in Sri Lanka once.

"I noticed they were catching little mackerel so I took my fly rod down to the rocks and within the space of 10 minutes I reckon I had close on 300 people watching," Hayden recalled this week.

"I was thinking, 'this is good, they're obviously keen followers of cricket'. But no-one knew who I was. They were looking at my fly rod. They invited me back to their village to show off this rod. It wasn't me at all."

We're going to have to stop reading things about Matthew Hayden. He doesn't come across too badly in this interview. We're not having that. It was bad enough when we started liking Brett Lee. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

Kevin Pietersen times his innings to perfection

What was the likelihood that we'd start this post with "England won a game!"? It was distinctly likely until we decided on the 'starting with writing about about what we were likely to start with' approach.

Anyway, as we were saying, England won a game! Which was a massive relief more than anything. We're not sure just how much one-day misery we can take. Sport becomes boring when it's predictable and that's the way things were heading.

You'd have to say that Kevin Pietersen's was the only stand-out performance from an England perspective. They bowled adequately and being as they only managed four wickets, it's a surprise that the Windies only scored what they did. England's openers, Strauss and Bell, again did a decent job and we're fairly convinced that they've got it in them to be a useful partnership, although more likely Trescothick will return as opener and Bell will bat at three. But mostly it was Pietersen.

Pietersen hung around a bit, played in a relatively reserved fashion for the majority of his innings and then went for it as the overs ran out. England won, so it's hard to fault him.

There's all sorts of talk about his aggressive approach being the downfall of him when the Ashes come, but we think that that's to undervalue his thinking. He often attacks only to change a fielding side's approach. If he feels in danger at some point, rather than ride it out, he sets out to do something about it himself.

Doubtless, he'll get out through this at some point and the critics will be onto him, but there'll be other occasions where more reactive batsmen would perish and Pietersen's proactive approach will be his salvation. What we'd like to see is him playing aggressively to put the field back and then batting a long, long time.

Damien Martyn again

Australia knocked India out of the Champions' Trophy yesterday. We watched most of India's innings and they never really got going. You always thought that 249 probably wouldn't be enough. And it wasn't.

Australia chased it down with no real difficulty. Again, the top-scorer was Damien Martyn with 73 not out. We've never watched Damien Martyn bat in a situation where we weren't desperate for him to get out, so we've never really appreciated his style. We're dimly aware that he's 'classy', but we usually overlook that and just call him names whenever he's on TV.

Earlier, Glenn McGrath bowled his first four overs for just four runs and although he was still a bit pedestrian, Aussie fans shouldn't worry about the guy. There's definitely no danger of his being dropped for Nathan Bracken.

Makhaya Ntini does some strike bowling

We forgot about Makhaya Ntini when we said that Shane Bond was flying the fast bowling flag the other day. Give the flag to Makhaya, Shane.

We became an Ntini convert in April when he seemed to have completed the transition into a fully-fledged strike bowler. He took five wickets in five overs today utterly demolishing Pakistan. It was clearly Ridiculous Pakistan who had turned up, as opposed to Sublime Pakistan, but still. Well played that man.

Pakistan were all out for 89. Earlier in the day South Africa were 42-5, so it was quite a comeback to post 213 and then defend it with ease. It partially vindicated their policy of batting down to number nine. Although as we see it, Ntini's performance vindicated the policy of selecting your best bowlers.

Matthew Hayden partially redeems himself

It turns out that Matthew Hayden's accepting the ageing process with better grace than some of his teammates.

Justin Langer...


Kidding himself. Look at those trainers and that shiny jumper. Accept it, Justin, you're playing golf and golf is for old people.

Now Matthew Hayden...


Sensible shoes and look at that jumper. It's a special cut so that his gargantuan-chested torso actually looks like it's just paunchy and middle-aged. The baseball cap's a bit off-key, but overall Matthew Hayden's gone up a notch.

Matthew, you're now at notch one.

Ian Bradshaw: We know him now

We think we've got the measure of Ian Bradshaw. We always had problems remembering him and his name before, but now when we look at his name or a picture of him thoughts come into our head. Relevant thoughts.

Yesterday Ian Bradshaw took 3-30 as the Windies beat India after what somehow turned into a nervewracking finale. The West Indies had been dogged in the field. Never letting India get going. Then, when they batted, they seemed to be cruising to their target with only three wickets down.

Suddenly they lost four wickets in ten balls and seemed rather keen to self-destruct, but they just about kept it together and won with two balls to spare. It means England are out, but everyone had pretty much resigned themselves to that anyway - round about the time the squad arrived in India, actually.

Chris Schofield gets a Surrey contract

Semi-reformed no-mark, Chris Schofield, has been given a year-long contract at Surrey. We're glad. We've previously ummed and ahhed about what we thought of Schofield and in truth we still haven't decided. This gives us another year to work it out.

What's your opinion? Feckless, disinterested waster or a gifted cricketer who's trying to make the most of a second chance?

Bowling's always the key

We just noticed that Ian Bradshaw had taken a couple of wickets for the Windies. Ian Bradshaw's someone we always forget. We re-read our post about how we always forget about Ian Bradshaw and found this paragraph that we thought was worth reproducing. It's about the Windies, but it applies to everyone.

"The West Indies aren’t as disastrous as people often make out. If they could somehow find a pair of strike bowlers, they could fashion a more than handy team. If they weren’t constantly chasing the game, they have more than enough talent in their batting line-up to make big totals. It’s amazing how much easier it is to bat when you’ve gone past your opponents score. A couple of good bowling performers and we bet that they’d be more up-for-it in the field as well. Bowling’s always the key. Bowlers win matches."

The excellent and ageing Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne are players that come to mind when we think about this. They're two players who we think have indirectly affected Australia's batting over the last ten years.

Give Australia a first-innings deficit and a bowling attack without those two and see how the batsmen's approach differs. Bowlers win you matches, not batsmen.

Stephen Fleming stands with Scott Styris

Previously Stephen Fleming stood alone. As New Zealand did away with Pakistan to reach the semi-finals of the Champions' Trophy, he instead stood with Scott Styris. Runs are at a premium in this tournament and Stephen Fleming's one of the few batsmen pulling his weight.

Stephen Fleming hit 80. Scott Styris hit 86. We don't particularly rate Scott Styris, but we're not too proud to change our mind about these things and runs like these will help his cause.

Shane Bond flies the flag

With Shoaib Akhtar potentially banned and Steve Harmison spraying the ball about with reckless abandon, we need every fast bowler we can get.

Fortunately Shane Bond's still flying the flag. He touched-up the lowest ever bowling average in one-day internationals by taking 3-45. Crucially, he removed Mohammad Yousuf for 71 and the dangerous Abdul Razzaq shortly after.

That's two games in a row that Shane Bond's played now. It must be some sort of a record. They should LITERALLY wrap him up in cotton wool between matches. He shouldn't be allowed cutlery to eat with either. You never know.

The Australian team from an English perspective

Unusually, there seems to be a bit of debate about the Australian team for the Ashes. Traditionally Aussie teams have been pretty much self-picking, but ageing players are leading to a little bit of intrigue. Here's our opinion. And we're being honest.

1. Hayden
2. Langer
3. Ponting
4. Hussey
5. Jaques
6. Clarke
7. Gilchrist
8. Lee
9. Warne
10. Johnson
11. McGrath

You'll notice that we're sticking with Hayden, even though we think he's a bearlike rectum. On flatter Aussie pitches, flat-track bullies are to be coveted. He'll make sure he scores heavily just to irritate us. You can count on it.

We've also gone for Phil Jaques in the middle order. There's lots of hoo-ha about how Jaques, an opener, can't get into the side whatever he does. Well Australia's middle order's more fragile than it used to be, so stick him there. Why not? Australia have traditionally blooded batsmen at number six and then promoted them when they were more comfortable in Test cricket. It's a good ploy.

We've also gone for Michael Clarke rather than an all-rounder. We're not dead set on this, Watson could play. We just think that they've got to start picking Clarke at some point, so they may as well now.

Mitchell Johnson gets the third seamer's position, although Stuart MacGill would be just as good a choice against England, no matter what the pitch. In any case, there's no point picking any more old laggards to clog up the bowling attack - Kasprowicz, Gillespie, Stuart Clark or whoever. They may as well go with a wicket-taker. As with Michael Clarke, they've got to start picking some youngsters soon and Johnson seems to be the best of the bunch.

Finally, Brett Lee's above Shane Warne in the batting line-up. Click on Brett's name to find out why.

"BendaMenda" - guy gives elbow brace stupid name and flogs it as a specialist bowling tool

The BendaMenda basically holds your arm straight so you can't chuck when bowling. The guy who 'invented' it, an Aussie called Mike Middleton, is having it released worldwide in January.

He says the biggest market for the product is in Asia. It isn't clear whether he's saying this because there's more people there or because he thinks that a greater proportion of bowlers are chuckers there. Being as he's not Darrell Hair, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

The BendaMenda slogan is: "Let's get all kids bowling using the BendaMenda" - presumably whether they need it or not. Their slogan effectively equates to: "Let's try and sell billions of BendaMendas by affixing them to children indiscriminately and then passing this off as assistance."

Chaminda Vaas knows something about bowling that most people don't know - we don't know what it is though

Sri Lanka lost, but it wasn't Chaminda Vaas's fault. He took 2-16 off all ten of his overs and was left stranded, 29 not out as Sri Lanka's batsmen captiulated.

We're just thinking that Chaminda Vaas must be approaching world authority status when it comes to bowling on slow subcontinental pitches. There have been other bowlers, like Wasim Akram, who've bowled well on these sorts of tracks, but no-one who's actually preferred them other than Vaas.

Next time we're called upon to remove a well-set batsman in Jaipur, we're going to ask Chaminda Vaas what to do.

A B de Villiers hits a fifty

A B de Villiers hit 54 for South Africa against Sri Lanka. No-one else passed fifty, so we're singling him out.

A lot of people are pretty turned off by the low scores in this Champions' Trophy, but we're finding it refreshing. Quite often there'll be one batsmen who makes a score and the remainder won't get out of single figures. Are the batsmen who prosper better-equipped? Maybe there's a wealth of flat-track bullies in international cricket these days due to the better pitches. Perhaps they're all being found out in more testing conditions.

Either way, certain batsmen are adapting and the majority aren't. A B de Villiers is a canny sort of batsman and he did enough yesterday. He's been opener, wicketkeeper and batted just about everywhere for South Africa. He's clearly a flexible sort of a bloke and that's doubtless his strength in testing conditions.

Ricky Ponting and Adam Gilchrist are OLD

Don't believe their clothes. Ricky Ponting's 31 and Adam Gilchrist's nearly 35. Despite their appearance here, they actually aren't American teenagers.

They're not fooling anybody anyway. Ponting in particular. That's a frickin' Thundercats T-shirt he's wearing OVER THE TOP of his jumper. In our world the smaller garment remains concealed. Also in our world, we wear cardigans - and we're younger than either Ponting or Gilchrist.

They should stop kidding themselves and break out the flat caps and brogues. Now there's a shoe you can set your watch by.

Shane Watson in puny immune system shocker

Shane Watson's been rushed to hospital with chest and stomach pain. It's been diagnosed as gastritis. Apparently several of the Australian squad have had stomach complaints.

Who'd have thought that a load of westerners' puny immune systems would struggle in India. This must be a first.

When we were in India we spent a good proportion of one overnight train journey losing our last shreds of dignity in a particularly violent bout of both-ends-itis. Strangely we've never recovered those dignity shreds, despite otherwise making a full recovery.

"Just write 'hold other end' - that should do the trick"

For all we know, Matthew Hayden's a genius, although his quotes tend to indicate otherwise.

Anyway, he's better at cricket, cooking and surfing than we are. Plus, he's massively more successful. We've got to pretend we're superior to him in some way. What are we going to do? Ask him to highlight the differences between the Central Lancashire accent and that of Manchester with reference to diphthongs?

No. We're not going to do that. We're going to make weak jokes at his expense instead. And if you think that this one's weak, we've barely started.

Look at his Nazi-looking family at the bottom

"I have never known anyone enjoy their cooking as much as my mate Haydos" - Justin Langer.

There's a recommendation. One, would you put the name 'Haydos' on the front of your book? Two, what sort of an authority is Justin Langer? Three, how impartial is he?

Matthew Hayden was bitten by a dog the other day. We should really lay off him. He hasn't even done anything, really. We're not quite sure what's driving us.

Hayden and Langer meet up to prepare for the Ashes

Ha ha ha. Australia's players are old. Ha ha. Much older than England's.

This joke would have made more sense if Matthew Hayden had been wearing a grey wig or something. You get the idea though - Australia's players are old. This is officially our second best post that's about a picture of Matthew Hayden.

We're being deliberately unfunny in an ironic sort of way. No, really.

Damien Martyn fails to see what all the fuss is about

People batted. People got out. There were precious few runs and they came slowly and attritionally. Except for Damien Martyn, who flicked the ball about like a man playing a familiar computer game on 'easy'.

Damien Martyn has always been a class act, but England fans shouldn't worry. He has an amazing knack for getting himself out in the most surprising and innocuous ways in Tests. It's the price he pays for being able to see into people's souls.

Steve Harmison bowls garbage in a one-dayer again

How are we doing this? As a one-dayer or as an Ashes prequel?

As a one-dayer it was business as usual for England. Of their three strategies, they went for 'starting encouragingly and really tailing off'. Their other two strategies are 'starting abysmally and clawing their way to a respectable defeat' and 'getting walloped'.

A decent opening stand preceded a jaw-dropping collapse with the not unexpected conclusion of Paul Collingwood being stranded not out. They'd lost by then, but a couple of early wickets were a good start to Australia's innings before the inevitable.

As an Ashes prequel it was mostly a whole load of nothing: Sajid Mahmood can take wickets, but can go for a few. Ian Bell can actually score runs against Australia. Glenn McGrath's off the pace at the minute. There's nothing major to glean, although Steve Harmison's astonishingly low skill level in this form of the game could yet be of importance. It's wides, half-volleys, half-trackers and a leg-stump line from the guy again and again. We love him, but it's more through loyalty on days like this.

Jerome Taylor's hat trick

We didn't really know much about Jerome Taylor before this. We like his style though: A hat trick against Australia with the match in the balance.

Fast bowling's back in fashion.

Australia two days ago

This is almost news. In the days before the internet, if you didn't get a Sunday paper, you might have to wait until Monday to find out scores. This is only as bad as that, although most of you will probably be reading this on Monday, in which case this post has no value - particularly when you consider what follows.

Australia lost a one-day game. We find that it's a wise idea to apply to the one-day arena the rules you used for England's Test team ten years ago. Namely, don't boast about Australian defeats, because England are probably going to get hammered tomorrow.

What's that? England ARE playing Australia tomorrow. Well there you go. Keep quiet (for now).

Abdul Razzaq three days ago

This is the problem with doing a news site and not being around to cover the news: Either you ignore the news and are run off the internet on a railroad for not keeping up or you cover the news and it's dated when you post it.

And if you're us and still persevering with free software because you're such a cheapskate, you probably won't be able to publish the old news anyway because the free software's nads.

Abdul Razzaq did Abdul Razzaq things again. People swooned. 4-50 and 38 off 24 balls.

You all know this already. Really we're only publishing this so that we can get annoyed when it says 'no post data found' or something and we can once again feel our heart beating, thus proving our continued existence.

Chris Cairns shows the way

Last week we caught sight of Chris Cairns strolling along with Ian 'Beefy' Botham during the Manchester leg of Beefy's most recent charity walk. It wasn't at all unexpected to see a former-cricketer alongside his Beefiness, but why Chris Cairns in particular? Unfortunately, we didn't have the answer. Until now.

We recently scaled Ben Nevis or 'The Ben' as it is known locally. As we neared the summit we could barely see our hand in front of our face. Who are we kidding? We squinted and squinted but we never did make out that hand. The visibility was terrible.

This is not uncommon weather for Britain's peaks, so how do you guide yourself? Well you follow the cairns of course. Cairns are small piles of rocks that you can make out in the fog. You walk from one to the next, unable to see any further, and this keeps you on the right path.

So this was what Chris Cairns was doing on the walk. Beefy had brought his own portable Cairns for fellow walkers. Botham is a famously fast walker and most people can't keep up. How do they know where to go? They follow The Cairns.

The Cairns shares our birthday, by the way. Him and Alan Hansen.

Gavin Hamilton land

Bad news, everybody. We're going away for a couple of days and will doubtless be missing some of the finest cricket ever witnessed on earth. (Martian cricket being a class above, of course.)

We're going to Scotland, home of great cricketers such as Gavin Hamilton and - well, we can't be bothered checking vaguely Scottish-sounding cricketers' places of birth, so we'll just leave it at Gav.

Gavin Hamilton was great in the 1999 World Cup. Again, we can't be bothered checking any facts because we're just about to leave, but take our word for it. Gavin Hamilton was great in the 1999 World Cup. He didn't have the yips then for one thing.

As far as the site goes, we're paying someone handsomely to check all the comments (the going rate is just a single pint) so feel free to write the exact same thing four times, like usual. We should probably do away with the thing where we authorise comments before they appear, but we do like to read them all. We might post over the next day or two, if they have [shameful, unnecessary joke about Scotland being backward removed here].

Your King Cricket homework is to browse the archives. Our posts don't date as badly as you think they do. They're in the sidebar on the left and also at the bottom of the page.

Anyway: To Gavin Hamilton Land!

Stephen Fleming stands alone

Not like a loser. Like a winner.

New Zealand beat South Africa, despite only making 195. South Africa did a Zimbabwe/West Indies/England and crumbled to 108 all out.

This Champions' Trophy's harking back to a low-scoring era of one-dayers that we thought was long gone. India tradionally produces high-scoring matches too. It's strangely refreshing.

New Zealand's win would have been impossible without the original captain's contribution from Stephen Fleming. He hit 89. Only his opposite number Graeme Smith, with 42 and Justin Kemp with 26 not out, even approached respectability with the bat - from either side. Kyle Mills took 3-18 and Jeetan Patel took 3-11, both for New Zealand.

Once again we've included a photo of Stephen Fleming with his flesh on display. He's not at all shy about brandishing those shoulders, the hussy.

Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif fail drugs tests

Off their mash on ecstacy pipes. That's the verdict. All whacked-up on goofballs.

There's nothing too specific being said at present. Both Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif have failed dope tests and are being sent home to Pakistan. It seems likely that if drugs were being used, it was to aid recovery from injury. The tests were carried out in September when both Shoaib and Asif were just returning to action.

Cricinfo have referred to comments made by former senior PCB medical staff which alluded to steroid use as part of Shoaib's recovery.

Some form of the full story will appear over the next few days. Currently the samples are being re-tested.