Matthew Hayden drops from notch one

"The Platinum Club is basically the top-order batsmen - the 'engine room', we call ourselves - plus one of the interior decorators in Damien Martyn. The fast bowlers aren't invited." - Matthew Hayden

Berk.

To think that it was only yesterday that we were wondering whether we were wrong about Matthew Hayden; that maybe he was actually an all right bloke. And it was only a few days before that that we decided that he'd gone up a notch.

The Platinum Club: You can't give yourselves a name like that. You don't get to pick your own nicknames. Ask anyone. Nicknames are humiliating because nobody wants to make their mates sound cooler than themselves. Most probably Matthew Hayden's real nickname revolves around his giant arse.

Suggestions are welcome.

Matthew Hayden is duller and less popular than his fishing rod

In an interview with The Australian (newspaper), Hayden describes how he saw a group of people fishing off the rocks near the team hotel in Galle when Australia were on tour in Sri Lanka once.

"I noticed they were catching little mackerel so I took my fly rod down to the rocks and within the space of 10 minutes I reckon I had close on 300 people watching," Hayden recalled this week.

"I was thinking, 'this is good, they're obviously keen followers of cricket'. But no-one knew who I was. They were looking at my fly rod. They invited me back to their village to show off this rod. It wasn't me at all."

We're going to have to stop reading things about Matthew Hayden. He doesn't come across too badly in this interview. We're not having that. It was bad enough when we started liking Brett Lee. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

Kevin Pietersen times his innings to perfection

What was the likelihood that we'd start this post with "England won a game!"? It was distinctly likely until we decided on the 'starting with writing about about what we were likely to start with' approach.

Anyway, as we were saying, England won a game! Which was a massive relief more than anything. We're not sure just how much one-day misery we can take. Sport becomes boring when it's predictable and that's the way things were heading.

You'd have to say that Kevin Pietersen's was the only stand-out performance from an England perspective. They bowled adequately and being as they only managed four wickets, it's a surprise that the Windies only scored what they did. England's openers, Strauss and Bell, again did a decent job and we're fairly convinced that they've got it in them to be a useful partnership, although more likely Trescothick will return as opener and Bell will bat at three. But mostly it was Pietersen.

Pietersen hung around a bit, played in a relatively reserved fashion for the majority of his innings and then went for it as the overs ran out. England won, so it's hard to fault him.

There's all sorts of talk about his aggressive approach being the downfall of him when the Ashes come, but we think that that's to undervalue his thinking. He often attacks only to change a fielding side's approach. If he feels in danger at some point, rather than ride it out, he sets out to do something about it himself.

Doubtless, he'll get out through this at some point and the critics will be onto him, but there'll be other occasions where more reactive batsmen would perish and Pietersen's proactive approach will be his salvation. What we'd like to see is him playing aggressively to put the field back and then batting a long, long time.

Damien Martyn again

Australia knocked India out of the Champions' Trophy yesterday. We watched most of India's innings and they never really got going. You always thought that 249 probably wouldn't be enough. And it wasn't.

Australia chased it down with no real difficulty. Again, the top-scorer was Damien Martyn with 73 not out. We've never watched Damien Martyn bat in a situation where we weren't desperate for him to get out, so we've never really appreciated his style. We're dimly aware that he's 'classy', but we usually overlook that and just call him names whenever he's on TV.

Earlier, Glenn McGrath bowled his first four overs for just four runs and although he was still a bit pedestrian, Aussie fans shouldn't worry about the guy. There's definitely no danger of his being dropped for Nathan Bracken.

Makhaya Ntini does some strike bowling

We forgot about Makhaya Ntini when we said that Shane Bond was flying the fast bowling flag the other day. Give the flag to Makhaya, Shane.

We became an Ntini convert in April when he seemed to have completed the transition into a fully-fledged strike bowler. He took five wickets in five overs today utterly demolishing Pakistan. It was clearly Ridiculous Pakistan who had turned up, as opposed to Sublime Pakistan, but still. Well played that man.

Pakistan were all out for 89. Earlier in the day South Africa were 42-5, so it was quite a comeback to post 213 and then defend it with ease. It partially vindicated their policy of batting down to number nine. Although as we see it, Ntini's performance vindicated the policy of selecting your best bowlers.

Matthew Hayden partially redeems himself

It turns out that Matthew Hayden's accepting the ageing process with better grace than some of his teammates.

Justin Langer...


Kidding himself. Look at those trainers and that shiny jumper. Accept it, Justin, you're playing golf and golf is for old people.

Now Matthew Hayden...


Sensible shoes and look at that jumper. It's a special cut so that his gargantuan-chested torso actually looks like it's just paunchy and middle-aged. The baseball cap's a bit off-key, but overall Matthew Hayden's gone up a notch.

Matthew, you're now at notch one.

Ian Bradshaw: We know him now

We think we've got the measure of Ian Bradshaw. We always had problems remembering him and his name before, but now when we look at his name or a picture of him thoughts come into our head. Relevant thoughts.

Yesterday Ian Bradshaw took 3-30 as the Windies beat India after what somehow turned into a nervewracking finale. The West Indies had been dogged in the field. Never letting India get going. Then, when they batted, they seemed to be cruising to their target with only three wickets down.

Suddenly they lost four wickets in ten balls and seemed rather keen to self-destruct, but they just about kept it together and won with two balls to spare. It means England are out, but everyone had pretty much resigned themselves to that anyway - round about the time the squad arrived in India, actually.

Chris Schofield gets a Surrey contract

Semi-reformed no-mark, Chris Schofield, has been given a year-long contract at Surrey. We're glad. We've previously ummed and ahhed about what we thought of Schofield and in truth we still haven't decided. This gives us another year to work it out.

What's your opinion? Feckless, disinterested waster or a gifted cricketer who's trying to make the most of a second chance?

Bowling's always the key

We just noticed that Ian Bradshaw had taken a couple of wickets for the Windies. Ian Bradshaw's someone we always forget. We re-read our post about how we always forget about Ian Bradshaw and found this paragraph that we thought was worth reproducing. It's about the Windies, but it applies to everyone.

"The West Indies aren’t as disastrous as people often make out. If they could somehow find a pair of strike bowlers, they could fashion a more than handy team. If they weren’t constantly chasing the game, they have more than enough talent in their batting line-up to make big totals. It’s amazing how much easier it is to bat when you’ve gone past your opponents score. A couple of good bowling performers and we bet that they’d be more up-for-it in the field as well. Bowling’s always the key. Bowlers win matches."

The excellent and ageing Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne are players that come to mind when we think about this. They're two players who we think have indirectly affected Australia's batting over the last ten years.

Give Australia a first-innings deficit and a bowling attack without those two and see how the batsmen's approach differs. Bowlers win you matches, not batsmen.

Stephen Fleming stands with Scott Styris

Previously Stephen Fleming stood alone. As New Zealand did away with Pakistan to reach the semi-finals of the Champions' Trophy, he instead stood with Scott Styris. Runs are at a premium in this tournament and Stephen Fleming's one of the few batsmen pulling his weight.

Stephen Fleming hit 80. Scott Styris hit 86. We don't particularly rate Scott Styris, but we're not too proud to change our mind about these things and runs like these will help his cause.

Shane Bond flies the flag

With Shoaib Akhtar potentially banned and Steve Harmison spraying the ball about with reckless abandon, we need every fast bowler we can get.

Fortunately Shane Bond's still flying the flag. He touched-up the lowest ever bowling average in one-day internationals by taking 3-45. Crucially, he removed Mohammad Yousuf for 71 and the dangerous Abdul Razzaq shortly after.

That's two games in a row that Shane Bond's played now. It must be some sort of a record. They should LITERALLY wrap him up in cotton wool between matches. He shouldn't be allowed cutlery to eat with either. You never know.

The Australian team from an English perspective

Unusually, there seems to be a bit of debate about the Australian team for the Ashes. Traditionally Aussie teams have been pretty much self-picking, but ageing players are leading to a little bit of intrigue. Here's our opinion. And we're being honest.

1. Hayden
2. Langer
3. Ponting
4. Hussey
5. Jaques
6. Clarke
7. Gilchrist
8. Lee
9. Warne
10. Johnson
11. McGrath

You'll notice that we're sticking with Hayden, even though we think he's a bearlike rectum. On flatter Aussie pitches, flat-track bullies are to be coveted. He'll make sure he scores heavily just to irritate us. You can count on it.

We've also gone for Phil Jaques in the middle order. There's lots of hoo-ha about how Jaques, an opener, can't get into the side whatever he does. Well Australia's middle order's more fragile than it used to be, so stick him there. Why not? Australia have traditionally blooded batsmen at number six and then promoted them when they were more comfortable in Test cricket. It's a good ploy.

We've also gone for Michael Clarke rather than an all-rounder. We're not dead set on this, Watson could play. We just think that they've got to start picking Clarke at some point, so they may as well now.

Mitchell Johnson gets the third seamer's position, although Stuart MacGill would be just as good a choice against England, no matter what the pitch. In any case, there's no point picking any more old laggards to clog up the bowling attack - Kasprowicz, Gillespie, Stuart Clark or whoever. They may as well go with a wicket-taker. As with Michael Clarke, they've got to start picking some youngsters soon and Johnson seems to be the best of the bunch.

Finally, Brett Lee's above Shane Warne in the batting line-up. Click on Brett's name to find out why.

"BendaMenda" - guy gives elbow brace stupid name and flogs it as a specialist bowling tool

The BendaMenda basically holds your arm straight so you can't chuck when bowling. The guy who 'invented' it, an Aussie called Mike Middleton, is having it released worldwide in January.

He says the biggest market for the product is in Asia. It isn't clear whether he's saying this because there's more people there or because he thinks that a greater proportion of bowlers are chuckers there. Being as he's not Darrell Hair, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

The BendaMenda slogan is: "Let's get all kids bowling using the BendaMenda" - presumably whether they need it or not. Their slogan effectively equates to: "Let's try and sell billions of BendaMendas by affixing them to children indiscriminately and then passing this off as assistance."

Chaminda Vaas knows something about bowling that most people don't know - we don't know what it is though

Sri Lanka lost, but it wasn't Chaminda Vaas's fault. He took 2-16 off all ten of his overs and was left stranded, 29 not out as Sri Lanka's batsmen captiulated.

We're just thinking that Chaminda Vaas must be approaching world authority status when it comes to bowling on slow subcontinental pitches. There have been other bowlers, like Wasim Akram, who've bowled well on these sorts of tracks, but no-one who's actually preferred them other than Vaas.

Next time we're called upon to remove a well-set batsman in Jaipur, we're going to ask Chaminda Vaas what to do.

A B de Villiers hits a fifty

A B de Villiers hit 54 for South Africa against Sri Lanka. No-one else passed fifty, so we're singling him out.

A lot of people are pretty turned off by the low scores in this Champions' Trophy, but we're finding it refreshing. Quite often there'll be one batsmen who makes a score and the remainder won't get out of single figures. Are the batsmen who prosper better-equipped? Maybe there's a wealth of flat-track bullies in international cricket these days due to the better pitches. Perhaps they're all being found out in more testing conditions.

Either way, certain batsmen are adapting and the majority aren't. A B de Villiers is a canny sort of batsman and he did enough yesterday. He's been opener, wicketkeeper and batted just about everywhere for South Africa. He's clearly a flexible sort of a bloke and that's doubtless his strength in testing conditions.

Ricky Ponting and Adam Gilchrist are OLD

Don't believe their clothes. Ricky Ponting's 31 and Adam Gilchrist's nearly 35. Despite their appearance here, they actually aren't American teenagers.

They're not fooling anybody anyway. Ponting in particular. That's a frickin' Thundercats T-shirt he's wearing OVER THE TOP of his jumper. In our world the smaller garment remains concealed. Also in our world, we wear cardigans - and we're younger than either Ponting or Gilchrist.

They should stop kidding themselves and break out the flat caps and brogues. Now there's a shoe you can set your watch by.

Shane Watson in puny immune system shocker

Shane Watson's been rushed to hospital with chest and stomach pain. It's been diagnosed as gastritis. Apparently several of the Australian squad have had stomach complaints.

Who'd have thought that a load of westerners' puny immune systems would struggle in India. This must be a first.

When we were in India we spent a good proportion of one overnight train journey losing our last shreds of dignity in a particularly violent bout of both-ends-itis. Strangely we've never recovered those dignity shreds, despite otherwise making a full recovery.

"Just write 'hold other end' - that should do the trick"

For all we know, Matthew Hayden's a genius, although his quotes tend to indicate otherwise.

Anyway, he's better at cricket, cooking and surfing than we are. Plus, he's massively more successful. We've got to pretend we're superior to him in some way. What are we going to do? Ask him to highlight the differences between the Central Lancashire accent and that of Manchester with reference to diphthongs?

No. We're not going to do that. We're going to make weak jokes at his expense instead. And if you think that this one's weak, we've barely started.

Look at his Nazi-looking family at the bottom

"I have never known anyone enjoy their cooking as much as my mate Haydos" - Justin Langer.

There's a recommendation. One, would you put the name 'Haydos' on the front of your book? Two, what sort of an authority is Justin Langer? Three, how impartial is he?

Matthew Hayden was bitten by a dog the other day. We should really lay off him. He hasn't even done anything, really. We're not quite sure what's driving us.

Hayden and Langer meet up to prepare for the Ashes

Ha ha ha. Australia's players are old. Ha ha. Much older than England's.

This joke would have made more sense if Matthew Hayden had been wearing a grey wig or something. You get the idea though - Australia's players are old. This is officially our second best post that's about a picture of Matthew Hayden.

We're being deliberately unfunny in an ironic sort of way. No, really.

Damien Martyn fails to see what all the fuss is about

People batted. People got out. There were precious few runs and they came slowly and attritionally. Except for Damien Martyn, who flicked the ball about like a man playing a familiar computer game on 'easy'.

Damien Martyn has always been a class act, but England fans shouldn't worry. He has an amazing knack for getting himself out in the most surprising and innocuous ways in Tests. It's the price he pays for being able to see into people's souls.

Steve Harmison bowls garbage in a one-dayer again

How are we doing this? As a one-dayer or as an Ashes prequel?

As a one-dayer it was business as usual for England. Of their three strategies, they went for 'starting encouragingly and really tailing off'. Their other two strategies are 'starting abysmally and clawing their way to a respectable defeat' and 'getting walloped'.

A decent opening stand preceded a jaw-dropping collapse with the not unexpected conclusion of Paul Collingwood being stranded not out. They'd lost by then, but a couple of early wickets were a good start to Australia's innings before the inevitable.

As an Ashes prequel it was mostly a whole load of nothing: Sajid Mahmood can take wickets, but can go for a few. Ian Bell can actually score runs against Australia. Glenn McGrath's off the pace at the minute. There's nothing major to glean, although Steve Harmison's astonishingly low skill level in this form of the game could yet be of importance. It's wides, half-volleys, half-trackers and a leg-stump line from the guy again and again. We love him, but it's more through loyalty on days like this.

Jerome Taylor's hat trick

We didn't really know much about Jerome Taylor before this. We like his style though: A hat trick against Australia with the match in the balance.

Fast bowling's back in fashion.

Australia two days ago

This is almost news. In the days before the internet, if you didn't get a Sunday paper, you might have to wait until Monday to find out scores. This is only as bad as that, although most of you will probably be reading this on Monday, in which case this post has no value - particularly when you consider what follows.

Australia lost a one-day game. We find that it's a wise idea to apply to the one-day arena the rules you used for England's Test team ten years ago. Namely, don't boast about Australian defeats, because England are probably going to get hammered tomorrow.

What's that? England ARE playing Australia tomorrow. Well there you go. Keep quiet (for now).

Abdul Razzaq three days ago

This is the problem with doing a news site and not being around to cover the news: Either you ignore the news and are run off the internet on a railroad for not keeping up or you cover the news and it's dated when you post it.

And if you're us and still persevering with free software because you're such a cheapskate, you probably won't be able to publish the old news anyway because the free software's nads.

Abdul Razzaq did Abdul Razzaq things again. People swooned. 4-50 and 38 off 24 balls.

You all know this already. Really we're only publishing this so that we can get annoyed when it says 'no post data found' or something and we can once again feel our heart beating, thus proving our continued existence.

Chris Cairns shows the way

Last week we caught sight of Chris Cairns strolling along with Ian 'Beefy' Botham during the Manchester leg of Beefy's most recent charity walk. It wasn't at all unexpected to see a former-cricketer alongside his Beefiness, but why Chris Cairns in particular? Unfortunately, we didn't have the answer. Until now.

We recently scaled Ben Nevis or 'The Ben' as it is known locally. As we neared the summit we could barely see our hand in front of our face. Who are we kidding? We squinted and squinted but we never did make out that hand. The visibility was terrible.

This is not uncommon weather for Britain's peaks, so how do you guide yourself? Well you follow the cairns of course. Cairns are small piles of rocks that you can make out in the fog. You walk from one to the next, unable to see any further, and this keeps you on the right path.

So this was what Chris Cairns was doing on the walk. Beefy had brought his own portable Cairns for fellow walkers. Botham is a famously fast walker and most people can't keep up. How do they know where to go? They follow The Cairns.

The Cairns shares our birthday, by the way. Him and Alan Hansen.

Gavin Hamilton land

Bad news, everybody. We're going away for a couple of days and will doubtless be missing some of the finest cricket ever witnessed on earth. (Martian cricket being a class above, of course.)

We're going to Scotland, home of great cricketers such as Gavin Hamilton and - well, we can't be bothered checking vaguely Scottish-sounding cricketers' places of birth, so we'll just leave it at Gav.

Gavin Hamilton was great in the 1999 World Cup. Again, we can't be bothered checking any facts because we're just about to leave, but take our word for it. Gavin Hamilton was great in the 1999 World Cup. He didn't have the yips then for one thing.

As far as the site goes, we're paying someone handsomely to check all the comments (the going rate is just a single pint) so feel free to write the exact same thing four times, like usual. We should probably do away with the thing where we authorise comments before they appear, but we do like to read them all. We might post over the next day or two, if they have [shameful, unnecessary joke about Scotland being backward removed here].

Your King Cricket homework is to browse the archives. Our posts don't date as badly as you think they do. They're in the sidebar on the left and also at the bottom of the page.

Anyway: To Gavin Hamilton Land!

Stephen Fleming stands alone

Not like a loser. Like a winner.

New Zealand beat South Africa, despite only making 195. South Africa did a Zimbabwe/West Indies/England and crumbled to 108 all out.

This Champions' Trophy's harking back to a low-scoring era of one-dayers that we thought was long gone. India tradionally produces high-scoring matches too. It's strangely refreshing.

New Zealand's win would have been impossible without the original captain's contribution from Stephen Fleming. He hit 89. Only his opposite number Graeme Smith, with 42 and Justin Kemp with 26 not out, even approached respectability with the bat - from either side. Kyle Mills took 3-18 and Jeetan Patel took 3-11, both for New Zealand.

Once again we've included a photo of Stephen Fleming with his flesh on display. He's not at all shy about brandishing those shoulders, the hussy.

Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif fail drugs tests

Off their mash on ecstacy pipes. That's the verdict. All whacked-up on goofballs.

There's nothing too specific being said at present. Both Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif have failed dope tests and are being sent home to Pakistan. It seems likely that if drugs were being used, it was to aid recovery from injury. The tests were carried out in September when both Shoaib and Asif were just returning to action.

Cricinfo have referred to comments made by former senior PCB medical staff which alluded to steroid use as part of Shoaib's recovery.

Some form of the full story will appear over the next few days. Currently the samples are being re-tested.

The solution to England's one-day woes

Maybe someone should burn something to symbolise the death of English one-day cricket and we could compete for the remnants.

Then in a hundred years time we might be inspired to get good again.

Must... write something... about... England's...one-day team

We don't want to write anything. Everything's been said. For example:

"There's a sense of inevitability about England one-day losses at the moment. You don't know quite how they're going to lose, but they will. They might get themselves in a good position and lose. They might let the game get away from them early on. They'll definitely lose though."

That's a quote of our ourself from June the 19th.

Or how about this post, entitled 'England's one-day team - what's wrong' about England's batting letting them down in one-dayers in India. Read it. We could have republished it today, word for word. There's progress.

Ordinarily we at least try and acknowledge 'encouraging' aspects of England one-day performances: There were three England bowlers who each took two wickets today. We're not naming them, even though two are among our very favourite players.

Andrew Symonds defines the role of the opener

Australian man, Andrew Symonds of Australia quoted from the ABC website:

"Looking forward, I suppose there is a little bit of opening there," 31-year-old Symonds said of the openers. "A number of players are there."

We've taken that entirely out of context. It's more fun that way. Trust us.

Chaminda Vaas's day

Chaminda Vaas is a weird bowler. He's your archetypal consistent medium-pacer these days. He's not too tall, he's not too fast, he doesn't do a great deal with the ball, but he's accurate. He's not all that, really. Then every now and again, conditions are in his favour and he's absolutely unplayable.

He was rather overshadowed by Farveez Maharoof today, but really it was Vaas who set things in motion. As an opening bowler, he sets the tone. Look at his figures: 2-6 off six overs. That's not very one-day international, is it?

Other Chaminda Vaas days have been the day when he took 8-19 against Zimbabwe - the only time anyone's ever taken eight wickets in a one-dayer. There was also the day when he took a hat trick with his first three balls against Bangladesh in the World Cup. Good days. Days that anyone would look back on with pride.

Chaminda Vaas is tremendously sunblock-happy at times.

Farveez Maharoof takes a heap of wickets

Farveez Maharoof took 6-14 for Sri Lanka today. The West Indies were all out for just 80 and Sri Lanka lost just the one wicket in overtaking that. It was pretty one-sided. No, it was massively one-sided.

6-14's really something. It was a slow wicket and it sounds like he just positioned men for the drive and then persistently landed the ball on the spot with a bit of seam movement. Easy.

Actually, it's not easy. It's simple. There's a difference.

Shahriar Nafees - our inside scoop

Way back in April we promised that we'd find out some more information about Shahriar Nafees. We never did. All we knew then was the following:

• He was left-handed
• He opened the batting for Bangladesh
• He had just hit a Test hundred against Australia

Thankfully, we're far better informed now. This is the lowdown:

• He IS left-handed
• He DOES open the batting for Bangladesh
• He ONCE hit a Test hundred against Australia
• He just hit a one-day hundred against Zimbabwe
  

Zimbabwe get soundly beaten

Bangladesh beat Zimbabwe. This is good. Ordinarily Bangladesh would have been in the post title, but we're expanding our vocabulary by using Zimbabwe as the subject for any number of 'get beaten' synonyms.

In fact we've not really got much to add to that. Our man Saqibul Hasan took 3-18 off ten overs in bowling Zimbabwe out for 130 in response to Bangladesh's 231. Shariar Nafees hit 123.

Justin Langer neglects a (w)hole category

It's the latest in our new style of posts: Innocuous comments by Australian Test cricketers.

Justin Langer said: "Anyone who suggests there are holes in the Australian cricket team, they are very far from the truth, because what I've seen is a very united Australian cricket team who are very, very, very determined to win back the Ashes."

Justin Langer has forgotten about one kind of hole. This particular something-hole opens the batting with him.

In this picture, Justin Langer is clearly requesting a cup of tea. You can tell by his semi-outstretched pinkie. We smile when we're getting a cup of tea too, Justin. Tea is nice.

A picture of Justin Langer feeling Matthew Hayden's oversized chest

The photo is small, but the weirdness is large.

An even older Matthew Hayden post.

Dheeraj Jadhav tests himself against the best

Dheeraj Jadhav has been in action against international opposition. He opened the batting for a Mahashtra XI against Australia in a warm-up.

He scored one.

He's still only 27. Plenty of time for our rash prediction to come true...

Massive cannon factual inaccuracy

It has been pointed out to us that we have made a monumental mistake in our previous post about the massive cannon of Jaipur.

It's not that we incorrectly dubbed it the world's largest cannon on wheels. It's not that we were lying about seeing it. It's that we were actually confusing it with an entirely different cannon. Namely, the world's largest medieval cannon.

The world's largest medieval cannon doesn't have wheels. We were right about that. It also isn't as big as the world's largest cannon on wheels. Finally, it's in Bijapur, which is bloody miles away from Jaipur.

We've been to Jaipur too, so we're not totally mental. We just struggle to remember actual events that happened to us. We're not a liar. We just aren't very aware of the world around us. The smaller, wheeless, medieval one is called the Malik-e-Maidan, by the way, which means the lord of the battlefield.

So there you go: Two cannon-centric 'world's largest blanks' for the price of one.

England win in Jaipur

We remembered another item of the genre 'world's largest blank' that resides in Jaipur. Quite some time ago, we told you about the world's largest sundial. Well Jaipur is also home to the world's largest cannon on wheels.

We love biggest things in the world. No matter how obscure. In fact the 'on wheels' suffix makes it all the better in our eyes. We went to see this cannon, but as we remember it, it was much smaller and wasn't on wheels. Quite possibly we were at the wrong cannon.

As far as cricket's concerned, England won a warm-up. It was one of those the-batsmen-bat, the-bowlers-bowl warm-ups where England field about sixteen players, but they still won. Jamie Dalrymple hit 79 off 69 balls and Sajid Mahmood took 3-22.

Watch out for Jimmy Anderson in the Champions' Trophy as well. He took 2-29 and we think he's revving up, whatever that might mean.

Chris Gayle wallops Bangladesh

We don't take any pleasure in Zimbabwe's repeated incompetence, but neither does it upset us. We're sort of numb to it. It would be like getting emotional about the post being delivered. It's too mundane and too expected to really affect you.

When Bangladesh get thrashed we feel it. We feel it like someone's sandpapering our irises. Today, Bangladesh got thrashed.

On the plus side, Chris Gayle hit a hundred. We like Chris Gayle. We remember once watching a Chris Gayle innings when he was taking Pakistan's bowling attack apart in a one-dayer only to have to leave the field of play because of his irregular heartbeat. It was most bizarre, but strangely affecting.

Not that it's a triumph against the odds kind of thing. We just liked the walloping anticlimax in a weird way. Here was a man playing like he was unstoppable. How were the opposition ever going to get him out? No, wait. He's just walking off. Looks fine, but he can't continue.

Likes to swing the bat as well, does our Chris. Admirable.

Matthew Hayden - still a dork

A couple of days ago, Matthew Hayden said: "I've never been in better shape. So to me it's a really good sign, not only in terms of where I'm at, but my commitment to the game and the commitment to the summer as well."

Why are you committed to a season, Matthew? You don't need to commit to them. They just sort of happen. Then they go away again, but don't worry because within a year they'll return.

He went on to add that the mixture of domestic one-day and four-day matches would be an ideal preparation to face England.

"You couldn't get more specific, good bowling attacks... so it will be challenging," he said.

That's what you've got to beware of, Matthew - a bowling attack that bowls specifically. There's nothing worse than specific bowling. What's he on about?

Dear Lord, we hate Matthew Hayden. He's such a sanctimonious, pious turd. Meditating on the square before the day's play; getting in touch with God and then making moronic comments about opponents' girlfriends from third slip. A few players who we quite like seem to think that actually he's okay, but all we ever gather is a pervading sense of his all-encompassing turdiness.

Look at him with his big barrel chest. He's like a bear who enjoys eating human faces.

An even older Matthew Hayden post

Stuart MacGill says Aussies need two leg-spinners

Australia's second-choice leg-spinner, Unlucky Stuart MacGill, is quoted on ABC Sport as saying that Australia will need two leg-spinners in the Ashes.

Apparently, in Unlucky Stuart MacGill's opinion, several of the Test wickets will favour leg-spin. This is in stark contrast to third-choice Australian seam bowler Mitchell Johnson's opinion that ALL of the Test pitches will DEFINITELY favour the seamers.

Actually we don't know what Mitchell Johnson thinks, we're just guessing.

When questioned about his vested interest in the make-up of Australia's bowling attack, Unlucky Stuart MacGill is reported to have said: "Oh no. Even from an unbiased point of view, I think that's the case."

No, that's not us

"About a year ago Ron felt a leading on his life to start singing again - this time for the Lord. Ron is now actively writing and recording contemporary Christian music and singing at coffee houses, churches, fairs and festivals under the name “KING CRICKET”."

Just to confirm: This guy is most resolutely NOT us. However, he does use the same name as our site and he is American and therefore litigious.

Are we inviting a law suit with this post?

Zimbabwe get battered again

Q: Why are the Zimbabwean cricket team like a fish?
A: Because they're always getting battered.

Q: Why are the Zimbabwean cricket team like wet tarmac?
A: Because they're always getting steam-rollered.

Q: Why should you sort through the Zimbabwean cricket team and put them in the appropriate bins?
A: Because they're rubbish.

Q: Why would you want to wipe the Zimbabwean cricket team off the sole of your foot?
A: Because they're crap.

You get the idea, don't you? Upul Tharanga hit a hundred as Sri Lanka rather generously limited themselves to 285. Zimbabwe were all out for 141. Two players scored more than the extras, so this was something of a triumph for Zimbabwe.

If we were Mahela Jayawardene (and we wouldn't say no) we'd have had Murali open the bowling and put everyone around the bat. It would have been interesting to see what happened.

Upul Tharanga hits hundred number two

Upul Tharanga today hit his second consecutive hundred after 105 against Bangladesh earlier in the week. Today he hit 110 off 130 balls against the might of Zimbabwe. A hundred against Zimbabwe isn't really 'Dear Mum and Dad' territiory, but that makes it five hundreds in 30 one-dayers for Tharanga and that's not bad going.

Earlier in the year, we were impressed by a Test innings that Michael Vandort produced. We were slightly surprised that Upul Tharanga then got the nod in the one-dayers that followed, but he went about his run-scoring with such abandon it was hard to quibble in the aftermath. It seems like such a long time ago that Sri Lanka were fretting about their openers post-Benevolent Uncle Sanath. They needn't worry.

Ian Botham's hook

We sometimes badmouth Ian Botham the commentator or occasionally Ian Botham the person, but Ian Botham the cricketer we hold in high regard.

Ian Botham was of course a pirate: Eyepatch, wooden leg and hook. He played well for a cyclops with only half of his limbs. No, wait. We mean the hook shot, not the prosthetic hand. Also, he wasn't actually a pirate in any way. He wishes.

Ian Botham played the hook shot and he hit the ball for six. He'd do this when England were on the ropes and battling to avoid the follow-on. 'NO!', you'd shout. 'Keep it down!' But Beefy wouldn't listen and the ball would sail over the ropes. This was the great thing about Ian Botham and in many ways it was what made him such a special cricketer. He was fearless.

The hook shot was Ian Botham's signature shot because it summed him up. It was exciting. Even as the ball was in the air you still didn't know whether it was death or glory until the final moment. Then, next ball, he'd try it again and you still didn't know where you were and your heart was still racing.

What a cricketer.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots

Richie Benaud returns!

Yes. It's an exclamation mark day: Richie Benaud is returning.

In a world where people actually employ Dean Jones and where Sky only employ ex-England captains, the BBC have done the decent thing and hired the great man as a studio analyst/discussion bloke. They've also hired Geoff Boycott, Jonathan Agnew (a BBC employee anyway) and, hilariously, Tony Greig, who's always worth listening to if he thinks Australians might be within earshot.

There was always a fair chance that Richie 'free to air' Benaud would accept a job at the Beeb, but until it was actually confirmed in writing, we were edgy. Now it's true and the world is a better place. Bizarrely the BBC are focusing on the new pair of anchormen, relegating Benaud to a lower paragraph. If the BBC knew the first thing about marketing, they'd realise that their two biggest draws are Richie Benaud and The Cricket Tune, which has another name, but we're not using it because nobody calls it that.

This is such important news we deliberately used the word 'returns' in the title instead of 'back'. If you don't know what we mean, just put 'back' in the search box on the left and you'll see yet another of our 'repeat until funny' instances of humour.

Younis Khan is captain of Pakistan again

Younis Khan was made captain in Inzy's absence. Younis Khan then renounced the captaincy on the grounds that he 'didn't want to be a dummy captain'. Then he claimed he was going to be Yorkshire's captain. Only for Yorkshire to pretty much disagree with him.

After all that we kind of developed a blindness to stories featuring the words 'Younis Khan' and 'captain', which is why we didn't notice that Younis Khan was made Pakistan captain again on Saturday. It was partly the blindness and partly that we were moping around in the Brecon Beacons to be honest.

It's all been bizarre, petty, mysterious and impulsive. It's been excellent stuff. That's what Pakistan's cricket team is all about. They should veer wildly from the sublime to the ridiculous. In the past, the team has been, quite frankly, the greatest soap opera in living memory. It's never been a tragedy, as Zimbabwean cricket has been, because there have been such stellar highs interspersing all the strife.

Expect them to flounce around making cryptic public statements and fighting with each other on their days off during the Champions' Trophy. On their playing days expect them to wipe the floor with all comers. Look out: Pakistan are back.

Saqibul Hasan does stuff

Ooh, ooh - Saqibul Hasan had a good game (sort of). In Bangladesh's Champions' Trophy qualifier against Sri Lanka, he hit 67 not out. That's the good part and is enough to make us pleased in a self-satisfied 'we said he was good' kind of way.

Unfortunately, Bangladesh lost and they lost because they couldn't score quickly enough. Chasing Sri Lanka's 302, Bangladesh could only muster 265 and it must be said that Saqibul Hasan's 67 runs came off 108 balls.

So crack open the champagne and then mix it with Bovril for a tainted celebration of Saqibul Hasan's encouraging yet ultimately useless performance.

Someone get us some pictures of Saqibul Hasan by the way. People don't like posts without pictures.

[Copy, paste] Zimbabwe humiliated

How many times have we made the joke within the title? We're going for the 'repeat until funny' approach to humour. This tactic is very much a hallmark of our writing.

Zimbabwe got bowled out for 85, which is toss. Their top scorer was their new captain, Prosper Utseya, who we've never heard of. He hit 27, which is toss. Former captain Terry Duffin doesn't seem to be playing, so he really is out of favour. The West Indies reached their target in 14.2 overs and it was all over before the midway point.

What a heap of toss. We'd be more inclined to positivity if there were even the slightest hint that Zimbawean cricket was on the road to recovery. As it is, they're not on the road to recovery, they don't know where the road to recovery is and they've only heard rumours that a map featuring the road to recovery even exists. They also don't have a vehicle if they ever find the map and subsequently the road.

We were originally going for the 'repeat until funny' approach using the word 'toss', but then we got sidetracked by just how toss Zimbabwe are.

Mark Cosgrove: Batsman, mathematician, scholar

Mark Cosgrove has today described Darren Lehmann's eternal abilities, while being interviewed about South Australia's hopes for the season:

"He somehow always makes 1,000 runs. Even if he seems to have the worst year, you look at his figures and go, 'he actually still got 800 runs'."

What's making us point out that Mark Cosgrove doesn't know that 800 is less than a thousand? It's a fairly innocuous thing - a verbal slip, at most. Would we be reporting this if it were any other player?

It's because he's a little bit fat, isn't it? Any excuse for a post on a fat cricketer.

Shane Bond's actually fit

No, really. The BBC quote him as saying that he's 100% fit, although he doesn't specify for how long. He'll be playing in the Champions' Trophy.

After the first week without cricket in a long, long time, we're actually looking forward to the Champions' Trophy. Sure, it's rubbish, but it's better than nothing and it'll be good to see a few players who haven't crossed England's path in a while. Primarily, Shane Bond.

Shane Bond has a really exceptional record: 64 wickets at 21.53 in Tests and 87 wickets at 18.63 in one-dayers. His one-day international average is the lowest in history and his Test average is the lowest of anyone currently playing (lower than Glenn McGrath's by 0.02).

He's a fast bowler and he takes wickets. That's increasingly a rarity in a batsman's world. The annoying part is that he's played so little because he's always bloody injured. He' s 31 now, so he's not got all that long left, yet he's only played 15 Tests and 45 one-dayers.

It's like having a really cool Transformer, but you have to keep glueing its fists back on and waiting for them to dry. Then when they're ready, it's about five minutes before one comes off again. You know how cool the Transformer is from the tantalising glimpses you get, but that's all you get - glimpses.

Michael Vaughan gets a bionic knee

We're reading between the lines here, but it sounds to us like the ECB have moved into Six Million Dollar Man territory with Vaughan's recovery. Here's a quote from David Graveney about how things are going:

"Plans are in place - they are not for public consumption - and they will be activated when he is passed fit."

Now plans aren't 'activated' are they? So what does get activated? Bionic knees, that's what. Graveney's trying to keep his cards close to his chest, but he's let it slip. Michael Vaughan is being turned into a cricketing cyberman. About time too.

We'd also better add Vaughan to the list of England players who have been mucking about with golf. Other previous perpetrators of this heinous crime include Marcus Trescothick and Paul Collingwood. We'd make a joke, but frankly playing golf isn't all that funny.

ECB medical officer needed

Yes, the Swiss are recruiting for... Oh no, wait, we got the colours inverted.

Yes, the ECB need a new medical officer. Dr Peter Gregory, who we seem to remember once bowled Ian Bell in the nets, has left to go and do good deeds in Romania.

There was an outside chance that we were going to be really cynical about Dr Peter Gregory's contribution to the England team, being as players were so consistently injured. We're not going to do that though. Dr Peter Gregory knows more about fixing humans than we do and more likely the problems were just non-medical people saying: "So, when's he going to be fit then? Will he be fit by Thursday? He really needs to be fit by Thursday. We'll announce that he's going to be fit by Thursday and that gives you something to aim for," while Peter Gregory tried to explain that the player in question had died.

It's a slow week. We wouldn't normally post about England's medical staff. Anyone got any unbelievable exclusives that we could pass on?

Stuart Law offers assistance to England's batsmen

Lancashire's Stuart Law has offered his considerable expertise to England's batsmen. Our advice to the England coaching set-up: Turn him away. Why? Because Stuart Law IS AN AUSTRALIAN.

Oh, sure, he's lived in England for years, he's married to an English woman and he's technically eligible to play for England, but he IS Australian. This is the Ashes and Stuart Law will have spent his entire childhood scoring hundreds against Bob Willis and Ian Botham in his head. It's hard-wired into his psyche. He'll sabotage us. No doubt about it.

Of course we still love Stuart Law: He plays for Lancashire and his wife must have turned him into at least a little bit of an anglophile. Plus, this is how he ends his unofficial job application for the role as England's specialist batting coach for Australian conditions: "I don't think I would get on too well with Fletch, he and I are totally different characters."

He certainly wouldn't be teaching England's batsmen to brownnose, at least.

EA Cricket 2007 screenshot

Apologies for the dull, screenshot-led approach to today's posting, but this is a mighty dry week in the world of cricket. Everyone's just sort of tuning up for the discordance of the Champions' Trophy.

Here's a screenshot of EA Cricket 2007:


They've gone so far as to improve the atmosphere by making you sit in the crowd with your view obstructed by louts. There's also a feature where you miss most of the wickets either queuing at the virtual bar or urinating in the virtual toilets. In the virtual toilets, you can either sigh at missing the action or at the fact that your virtual trousers are dampening in the virtual puddle of piss.

You also have no direct control over the players in order to better recreate the feeling of impotent hopelessness when your side has lost early wickets. It's amazing what they can do nowadays.

Buy it here for PS2 or here for PC

Other cricket games

Brian Lara 2007 - preview and screenshot

Jonathan Agnew is quoted as saying that Brian Lara 2007 'looks awesome' on the Brian Lara 2007 website and he should know because they've paid him to do the commentary for it. Maybe it looked so awesome he did the commentary for free. Maybe.

Here's a screenshot:



All the various gaming websites have reproduced the same three pictures and branded them with their stupid logos. It's to stop people reproducing those pictures elsewhere, but the stupid thing is that the manufacterers, Codemasters, have the three photos on their site, unbranded for you to use as you please.

In this latest version, there's a new 'reflex-testing slip catch system' and a whole plethora of multiplayer options. If we had reflexes and friends, we'd be playing real cricket outdoors.

Know your audience, Codemasters: A special towel for crying into between innings would be more suitable than a multiplayer option. Or some whisky as a cure for the pain.

More cricket games

Cricket Life 2007 update

There are those of you who have spotted some economising on facts in our list of Cricket Life 2007 features. Namely, what form the actual cricket will take and stuff like that. Well this is because the developers are being a bit coy about the actual cricket segment. We do have an update however. It concerns the graphics:

"The award ceremony will be in 3D."

Lance Klusener's on-drive

In the name of all that is good and pure, Lance Klusener could hit a ball.

Most people's memories of the 1999 World Cup revolve around Lance Klusener. Specifically, the moment in the semi-final where he and Allan Donald contrived to lose South Africa the match with some demented running between the wickets. But up until that point, it had seemed like the World Cup was Lance Klusener's for the taking, because his batting had been, quite frankly, unstoppable.

Klusener was a batsman who favoured the leg-side - indeed he still is. Over the course of the World Cup, teams got wise to this and packed the on-side with fielders. Unfortunately, Lance Klusener's batting wasn't really affected by trivialities like fielders. It wasn't that he placed the ball between fielders, but if he hit the ball anywhere other than straight at one, they didn't have a chance of getting to it.

Lance Klusener's bat was actually made of four cabers strapped together. It weighed as much as Darrell Hair, but Klusener twirled it around as if it was lighter than a rainbow. If he hit the ball anywhere approaching the middle of the bat, there was quite literally nothing you could do to prevent a boundary. Fielders were just stationary obstacles and there was always the option of going through them anyway.

"If he hits this, it's four" - that's what we always thought during the 1999 World Cup. So did most opposing captains.

Some other batsmen and their signature shots