Australia pretend that Shaun Tait or Mitchell Johnson might play

Australia have announced their squad for the first Test and made much of the fact that it contains no fewer than six pace bowlers. 'It's a terrifying arsenal,' they cry. 'Look out for the heavy artillery,' they warn. 'So who's actually going to play?' ask England.

Because of course, Australia aren't going to pick six quicks. They seem to be overlooking that. Glenn '70mph' McGrath will be playing. Brett 'bowling average of 41.10 in the last Ashes' Lee will be playing. Shane 'I'm actually a batsman really' Watson will be playing. This leaves one spot.

Is it going to be young, once-in-a-generation Mitchell Johnson who's already made a great start to his international career? Will it be Shaun Tait, who originally looked crap, not all that fast and admitted that he didn't care where the ball went; but who has now embraced accuracy and is actually capable of bowling at 95mph?

No. It's going to be Stuart Clark, isn't it? He's 31. He's accurate/dull. He did well against South Africa in his last series.

Stuart Clark will be fulfilling the Jason Gillespie/Michael Kasprowicz role during this Ashes series, ie, waiting to be dropped.

Shaun Tait - worth disliking?

We've been a little unnerved over the last couple of years by several Australian players becoming quite likeable. We don't know where we are when that happens. It upsets the delicate balance of the world.

The situation is rapidly reaching crisis point. The only remaining 100 percent obnoxious Aussie, Matthew Hayden, is lumbering round the outfield like a bear with rickets and clearly isn't going to last much longer. Glenn McGrath, his closest challenger is doing much the same and has already confirmed his retirement after this World Cup.

We need fresh blood to help prevent us emigrating to Fremantle or Bendigo.

Step forward Shaun Tait. With his face and his face and also his face, he's undeniably irritating. Look at him. Look at Shaun Tait. Look at Shaun Tait's stupid face and tell us his mere appearance isn't enough to make you want to snap all your own teeth to take your mind off him.