Mark Butcher v Australia, 173 not out - 10 Great Innings

By and large we consider bowlers to be the match-winners and batsmen to be no more than impediments. Occasionally, there is such a thing as a match-winning innings.

In the fourth Ashes Test of 2001 at Headingley, Adam Gilchrist, deputising for the injured Steve Waugh, declared Australia's innings closed towards the end of the fourth day, setting England 315 to win. There was very little further play that day, but in time-honoured Ashes tradition, Glenn McGrath got Mike Atherton early on day five. Marcus Trescothick soon followed.

From that point onward, Mark Butcher rose and rose, eventually reaching some sort of cover-driving nirvana. Against the best bowling attack in the world, on an admittedly decent last day pitch, Mark Butcher struck 173 undefeated runs off only 227 balls to take England to an unlikely victory.

More than the fact that he managed it all was the way Mark Butcher set about his task. The scorecard of that match says that he hit 23 fours and a six. If we're not much mistaken, every single one of those fours was fired through the covers off the middle of the bat. McGrath, Gillespie, Warne and Lee pitched the ball outside off-stump, thinking Butcher would edge one sooner or later. 'Ping' said Mark Butcher's bat and the umpires waved their arms once again.

Blistering.

10 Great Innings

Steve Waugh v England, 157 not out - 10 Great Innings

During the Trent Bridge Test, Steve Waugh had been stretchered from the field with a torn calf muscle. Three weeks later, he was playing at The Oval. As you might expect, the muscle stiffened up a touch.

Australia were hardly in trouble when he started struggling, early in his innings. Waugh had arrived at the crease with Australia 489-3 having opted to bat first. No-one would have held it against him if he'd have retired hurt, but that wasn't really Steve Waugh's style.

Instead, he limped around like a pensioner who's been forced to sit cross-legged for nine hours. He stood in front of his stumps and worked the ball onto the leg side. He threw the bat and clobbered ugly, ugly fours through the covers. It was hideous and unnecessary and he hit 157 not out.

This sums up why we like Steve Waugh for two reasons. One, he was patently as hard as a battalion of adamantium sharks. Two, why give an opponent a chance?

We love that sporting mentality. Why the hell should he make anything any easier for England just because Australia were already crushing them easily? Why give them even the slimmest chance when you can keep them down where they've no chance of winning? He was injured, so fate had already handed England something on a plate. Why add to that?

We once ran a half-marathon with a torn calf muscle. We couldn't do anything for ages afterwards. It bloody killed.

10 Great Innings

Nathan Astle v England, 222 (and video) - 10 Great Innings

It's a complete cop-out because we've already done this innings. That's all you get today: A link. And it's a link to a page within the same site. And you've probably already read it.

We're not bothered. We think it was a great innings. We'll probably cover it about six more times without adding anything of value.

Nathan Astle hits the fastest-ever Test double hundred.

Oh all right then. Here's a link to a video of it. It's 12 minutes long. Get a brew. Irritatingly, it cuts off just as he's about to REALLY get going. It's still worth a watch though. See how quickly he reacts later in his innings and how quickly his bat moves. Awesome, in the most literal sense.

The start reminded us that Nathan Astle had dropped Graham Thorpe on four during England's innings, costing his side a mere 196 runs - probably more when you take into account what would probably have happened if Flintoff had found himself at the crease with the tail.

10 Great Innings

Shahid Afridi v Sri Lanka, 100 off 37 balls - 10 Great Innings

Name: Shahid Afridi
Age: 16
Occupation: Cricketer
International innings: None
Interests: Hitting the fastest ever international hundred

That was the warning that we got. Not so much as a 'good morning'.

It wasn't his debut. He'd played once, but he wasn't called upon to bat. In his first international innings, Shahid Afridi hit the fastest ever international hundred. It was against Sri Lanka. He hit 11 sixes.

We think it was the former Lancashire opening bowler, Peter Martin, who best descibed Shahid Afridi's batting, in the wake of the most anticlimactic run-chase in living memory. Lancashire had managed a respectable 190-9 on a difficult pitch in the C&G Trophy semi-final. Their opponents were a Shahid Afridi-enriched Leicestershire.

Afridi opened the batting and hit 95 off 58 balls. Then he was out. We'd anticipated a tense climax, instead we were left watching Vince Wells and Ben Smith attempting to score 30 runs in as many overs. Anyway: Peter Martin.

Peter Martin said that he bowled one ball to Afridi that he was especially proud of during that match. It swung a little, pitched on off-stump and then seamed away alarmingly. It would have been impossible for most cricketers to lay bat on it. Shahid Afridi pivoted, adjusted for the seam movement and deposited the ball over midwicket for six.

10 Great Innings

Ian Botham v Australia, 149 not out, Headingley 1981 - 10 Great Innings

Yes, Ian Botham's Headingley innings is predictable and yes, you all know about it, but we don't care. We're doing it.

Australia hit 401-9 and declared. England responded with a weak 174 all out and Australia asked them to follow-on. Batting again, England folded to 135-7. They had three wickets left, were still virtually a hundred behind with Australia able to bat again, yet somehow England won.

Ian Botham hit 149 not out off only 148 balls, supported by Graham Dilley, 56; Chris Old, 17; and Bob Willis - albeit only briefly. Then Bob Willis produced the most overlooked world-famous bowling performance of all time, taking 8-43. Australia were all out for 111 and England could celebrate, except Bob Willis who was really grumpy about it for some reason.

For many years we actually thought that we remembered this innings, but what we actually remembered was about fifty BBC replays of it when the cricket was rained off in later years.

One of the reasons why it's so great is that it stands as a high-water mark for sporting competitiveness. Some would say for the 'never say die attitude', but we hate that expression. 'Never say die' is just kidding yourself. Trying your damnedest to win, even when all hope seems gone, is admirable.

There are a great many occasions when cricketers show extraordinary fight in similar circumstances and lose. This justifies those attempts. But more than that, it's how cricketers SHOULD approach the game.

On the face of it, the game was lost with seven wickets down, but what Ian Botham, Graham Dilley et al did so well was to shift the pressure. At seven wickets down, the pressure was firmly on England. You could give up then. Alternatively, you could recognise the fact that with each run, it would get easier for you and harder for your opponents. It's only a small amount, but keep doing it and eventually you get into credit. Having come from so far behind the effect was magnified.

This is why Bob Willis's eight wickets are given a lower billing than Ian Botham's hundred. Obviously, Willis couldn't have taken those wickets without Botham's innings for one thing, but secondly, by the point Australia came in to bat, they felt overwhelmed.

It's the most straightforward piece of sporting psychology there is: Someone with a will to win will always beat someone with a fear of losing.

The Australians certainly didn't go out there with a fear of losing, but Ian Botham created that fear. Some players respond to a situation. Ian Botham influenced it.

10 Great Innings

10 Great Innings

Ian Botham v Australia, 149 not out, Headingley 1981
Shahid Afridi v Sri Lanka, 100 off 37 balls
Nathan Astle v England, 222 (and video)
Steve Waugh v England, 157 not out
Mark Butcher v Australia, 173 not out
Andy Flower v South Africa, 142 and 199 not out
Brian Lara v Australia, 153 not out
Yuvraj Singh and Mohammad Kaif v England, 69 and 87 not out
Dominic Cork v West Indies, 33 not out
VVS Laxman v Australia, 281

Oh great - another one of King Cricket's series

We're going away, but DON'T WORRY. We've written loads of stuff and we've asked someone to publish it all intermittently in our absence.

It's another series, like our 10 Great Bowling Performances series, or our Some Batsmen And Their Signature Shots series. The latter got sort of forgotten about after a bit, but this one's already written, so we can promise you an ending. We'll even put the best one last, so it's kind of like the whole thing's leading somewhere, rather than just meandering along like most of our stuff.

So we won't really be covering any news for the next few days. All that really means is that you won't have to read us pretending to be impressed with a Jamie Dalyrmple innings of 32 during an England one-day defeat. It's a blessing really.

Imaginitively, we've gone for 10 Great Innings. Lord knows what we'll do when we go away again later in the year. Suggestions are welcome.

Comments are being looked after as well, by the way.

Nathan Astle retires

Nathan Astle has rather surprisingly announced his immediate retirement from international cricket, a la Damien Martyn.

We're not going to write too much about Nathan Astle here, because - without wishing to give too much away - he turns up in a post next week. Suffice to say that Nathan Astle was frequently mediocre, occasionally brilliant and on one occasion, he looked down on 'flawless' with barely-concealed contempt.

Resting cricket players

South Africa have rested Shaun Pollock and Andre Nel for the third Test against Pakistan. We previously predicted the coming of squad rotation and concluded: "If it makes fast-bowlers fast again, we're in favour."

We must have been on the strong stuff that day, because we most definitely AREN'T in favour. At least as far as Test cricket is concerned. For one-day cricket, squad rotation's fine, but Test cricket is not just a test in name. It's supposed to be the best against the best, operating at the fullest of their capacities. We'll not repeat ourself. We'll provide a link to a better update we did about how Test cricket should remain a BIG DEAL.

This instance is made worse by the fact that this is a deciding Test. The series is currently 1-1.

Less cricket please.

England's lowest one-day score: 86 all out v Australia at Old Trafford

We were there. We were fortunate enough to witness England's worst ever one-day score first-hand. It was quite something. However, unlike today's 110 all out, there were at least some mitigating factors. They don't excuse a score of 86 all out, but they paint today's débacle in an even harsher light.

At Old Trafford in 2001, Australia had the decency to bat first, so there was at least a decent amount of cricket to watch and the result wasn't crystal clear after about the first two overs. We seem to remember it being a day-nighter, although we could be wrong. It was certainly very damp, because Australia's innings was cut short by rain.

So England were always going to have the worst of the conditions and then it rained to compound this. Those are the mitigating circumstances. Steve Waugh recognised these factors and in a masterful piece of captaincy set the most aggressive fields imaginable, despite England only requiring 212 off 44 overs. England felt the pressure and couldn't lay bat on ball.

It was fascinating in a morbid kind of way. They were fields with slip cordons longer than for a Test match. Did Australia think the ball was doing THAT much? Shouldn't England's batsmen be cashing in on all this space? Perhaps England had too much to think about, because wicket followed wicket.

For the record, Paul Collingwood played in that match, as he did in England's second-lowest total of 89 against New Zealand and as he did today in the 110. Poor guy.

This is just ridiculous

You don't want to throw words like 'ridiculous' around prematurely with this England side. Before long they do something even more ridiculous and then where do you go? You've no room for manoeuvre.

England's complete inability to post anything approaching a challenging total in one-day cricket is just laughable now. Today they were bowled out for just 110. It goes without saying that Australia won with ease.

Why does it always feel like all the other international nations are the innovators when it comes to one-day cricket? England just produce weak imitations of others' templates. Perhaps if they had their own ideas they might stand a better chance.

Where's Alan Mullally?

Test Match Special have drawn up a greatest-ever England one-day side.

The first thing that strikes you is that it's pretty crap. Many of today's international one-day sides would fancy their chances against this team, in our opinion. The second thing that you notice is that Alan Mullally's been omitted.

Is this some kind of mistake? Is this anti-left-handed prejudice? - something we're bitterly opposed to. Were the TMS team unsure how to spell his surname and consequently playing it safe?

Whatever the reason, it's an egregious error.

Seriously though, Derek Underwood's included - a great bowler, but one with only 32 one-day international wickets to his name. Also omitted are Nick Knight and Neil Fairbrother.

Holy Crap: Nathan Bracken

As we all know, Nathan Bracken's rubbish. Like many mediocre, third-reserve seam bowlers, his main skill is being left-handed.

In the good old days, this was enough to render you a pariah, but nowadays in these times of 'tolerance' and 'understanding' you can not only get away with it, but are considered useful. Difference isn't always a good thing. Deep down Nathan Bracken's parents are bitterly disappointed with him and his choice of handedness.

Anyway, he's rubbish, but due to Australia's pitiful pace-bowling reserves, they keep having to give him international caps. Look inside any discarded bottle of Victoria Bitter and you'll find at least eight Australian batsmen of Test standard. Conversely, get below the top three or four pace-bowlers and you're scratching around for anyone at all who doesn't look like Pat Sharp.

Well, as is the tradition with our limited Holy Crap feature, here's the unlikely statistic: Nathan Bracken has taken 89 wickets at 20.12 in one-day international cricket. That's frighteningly good.

So it is that we say:

Holy crap! Nathan Bracken's not rubbish!

Small scores are still better - India agree

At least India agree with us today, because they won a low-scoring match. West Indies bowled India out for 189, but India defended it. We were only watching the scorecard and it was nailbiting. Low scores are better. Every run counts.

In hindsight, Dinesh Karthik and Ajit Agarkar's partnership was crucial. India were 90-7 when they came together and you don't win many games from that position. However, Karthik hit 63 and Agarkar a more than handy 40.

In reply, Shiv was the only West Indian batsman to offer resistance with 66. Everyone's favourite uncool spinner, Ramesh Powar took 3-42 for India. He's always worth a mention. In fact, let's make him the accompanying picture.

Being uncool is the new cool. At least that's what our girlfriend tells us.

Is Daniel Vettori an all-rounder yet?

Not that he scored any runs today, but he did have a good game, taking 4-24, so we're justified in talking about him.

Is Daniel Vettori an all-rounder? He bats at nine and he averages more with the ball than he does with the bat, so most people would say he isn't.

On the other hand, he plays for New Zealand, for whom every player's essentially a number six or seven batsman. Somebody's got to be at nine, but they're not necessarily a tail-ender, like they would be for England, for example.

Daniel Vettori's hit two Test hundreds for one thing. Matthew Hoggard is highly unlikely to ever match this feat. Vettori's been playing a hell of a long time as well considering he's only 27. He made his debut at 18. It's no surprise that he's a better batsman now than then. What's his record over the last few years? On current form could he be an all-rounder?

In his last 30 Test matches, which seems a significant number - particularly for New Zealand who only play about two a year - Daniel Vettori has hit 1,378 runs at 38.27 with two hundreds and nine fifties. In the same period, he's taken 90 wickets at 34.93.

The verdict: All-rounder.

Also, he wears glasses, so he gets extra marks. You get extra marks for glasses and facial hair. This points system once led to Bill Bryson's selection for Yorkshire. Fortunately, a quick-thinking Yorkshire member cited his US nationality just in the nick of time. Americans can play for Yorkshire, but the resultant loss of marks meant he fell below Paul Jarvis in the reckoning and the disaster was averted.

New Zealand identify key difference between England and Australia

Last week New Zealand were playing Australia. They lost early wickets, but their number six batsman rallied them and they topped 200. When bowling, they took a couple of early wickets, but Australia came back at them and won the game.

Today, New Zealand were playing England. They lost early wickets, but their number six batsman rallied them and they topped 200. When bowling, they took a couple of early wickets. This time it was England though and pretty soon New Zealand had not only won the game, but secured the bonus point awarded for drubbings.

Now it's true that New Zealand missed a number of decent chances against Australia that arguably cost them the game. On the other hand, who's surprised that England didn't mount a rearguard action?

That's our new wish for the remainder of the one-day series. We want England to produce a rearguard action. And a big score. And an individual hundred. And a partnership. And another win.

Maybe we should have used 'or' instead of 'and'.

Kamran Akmal gets Pakistan home

'Home' being 'a win'. We're not quite sure why we're focusing on Kamran Akmal. Possibly because he's not been having the best time of it. He had a great start to his Test career at a time when just about every international side seemed to be weighed down by wicketkeeper-batsmen, then he really tailed off.

Today he hit 57 not out, alongside Younis Khan, 67 not out, as Pakistan reached their target of 191 with the tail-enders waiting in the wings. Hopefully Kamran Akmal will regain some confidence from this and get a few more runs. We hate to see a player underperforming. What about Matthew Hayden, you say? Well he only overperforms. When you think he's underperforming, that's actually how he SHOULD be.

Ricky Ponting's 'future of one-day cricket' increasingly sounds like balls

A week or so ago, Ricky Ponting pronounced that a batting line-up of six-hitters was 'the future of one-day cricket'. Two days ago, we revealed that as being complete testicles.

Today we underline how right we are and how wrong Ricky Ponting is. Australia beat New Zealand. The top-scorers were Michael Clarke and entirely predictably, Mike Hussey - Australia's two least six-happy batsmen. Okay, Hussey managed one six, but still.

Don't think for a minute that you've heard the last of this. We'll still be boring the arse of you with it when Robo-Ponting 9000 lifts the six-hitting World Cup in 2050.

Sourav Ganguly gets run out for 98

Running people out when they're nearly 100 should be outlawed. It's too cruel for words. They're lucky to be walking unaided at that age, never mind sprinting quick singles.

You know what we mean though. Sourav Ganguly must be pretty irritated by getting run out for 98 today, even if he played a major hand in an Indian victory and went a fair way to getting his name inked in at the top of the Indian order for the World Cup. Batsmen deal in hundreds and he was as good as there.

We're still a bit unsure about Ganguly being reinstated in the Test team, but one-day-wise we've no problems with his presence. He's obviously been motivated by his previous omissions and he seems to have come back a rejuvenated player and arguably a better bloke.

It's not his team any more, but he can still play a part. Particularly in the World Cup.

Virender Sehwag: Take note.

PS: If anyone can do better than the 'eat your own spit' insult from the comments on our previous Sourav Ganguly post, fire away.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul battles in vain

Shivnarine Chanderpaul is probably the most horrendous looking batsman around. We mean in terms of his batting style, of course. We're not passing judgement on his looks. He looks fine. He's not really our type, but... Er, the batting anyway.

We're not actually sure if Shiv HAS a stance at the crease. At least not one that he uses repeatedly. He stands there and he's got a bat, but it's not what you'd call a 'stance'. As far as his technique goes, he tends to face the bowler and unfurl a visual catastophe of limbs when the ball arrives.

In Test cricket, opening batsmen tend to be the ones with the best techniques. In one-day cricket, they're either Test openers or big-hitters. We're not quite sure why Chanderpaul got his chance at the top of the West Indian one-day order, because he's neither of these things. Or at least he wasn't.

In Test cricket, Chanderpaul sort of spoons the ball around at weird angles and spends an age at the crease. He's good, in that he's effective, but he doesn't look good and he doesn't score quickly. For some reason he's been given this chance as one of the West Indies' one-day openers and punch our teeth out and steal our wallet, but he's really pretty damn good at it.

Maybe his effectiveness is why he got the chance. He's an effective yet hideous Test batsman and equally he's an effective yet hideous one-day opener. Suddenly he's smashing the ball to all parts and he and Chris Gayle are really something to be feared.

Today he hit 149 not out off 137 balls against India. West Indies lost, but you can't really blame Shiv, can you?

Makhaya Ntini: 300 Test wickets

Makhaya Ntini has today taken his 300th Test wicket. No mean feat and one that's taken us slightly by surprise.

He's been around a while and he's always taken wickets, but 300? When did that happen? Oh, that's right: Today. That's what we're writing about.

One thing we like about Ntini, other than the fact that he's fast, aggressive and supremely fit, is the way he bowls from really wide on the crease on occasions. Getting close to the stumps is certainly and advantage for a quick bowler, but you can get carried away with it.

Ntini bows from all over the place. A batsman may think he knows where his off-stump is, but Ntini occasionally goes so wide that a batsman leaving the ball might find that very off-stump on its way to meet the keeper.

Another thing we like is that he's hardly ever injured. Some fast bowlers, like Shane Bond and Simon Jones, play about one match in twenty. It feels like it's a bit of a treat when they're actually on the field. Makhaya Ntini treats you every day. He's like an indulgent relative who says 'never mind what your mother says - here's more sweets'. Only he's better than that, because we don't like sweets. And we DO like fast bowling.

And ANOTHER thing that we like (they're coming thick and fast now) is that you just have to type 'nt' and his name pops up in the tagging field below, because no-one else has the sheer BALLS to start their name with a combination of consonants like that.

Fast bowling a go go

The phrase 'a go go' always reminds us of the old Amiga game, Nebulus 2: Pogo a go go. We were always struck by how the dark, barren imagery of the word 'nebulus' was entirely negated by the word 'pogo'.

We haven't actually seen much of the Test cricket that's taken place in South Africa since England were last there, but we get the impression that it's one of the few places left in the world where bowlers can come out on top.

Shoaib Akhtar returned to Test cricket today with 4-36. South Africa were all out for 124. In reply, Pakistan are currently 135-6. Makhaya Ntini has the exceptional figures of 4-18 off ten overs.

This will make us a tiny bit happier for the duration of the weekend. Go bowlers, go!

A Shahid Afridi six

We've just been watching some Shahid Afridi videos because of a future update. There are lots of sixes, as you'd expect. We're expecting to be six numb later.

Hitting sixes is what Shahid Afridi does, but this one's just ludicrous:

The future of one-day cricket?

In a recent press conference, Ricky Ponting described Australia's batting line-up as a glimpse into the future of one-day cricket. What he meant was that since the inclusion of Cameron White, virtually all of Australia's batsmen were strong six-hitters.

Australians in particular seem to be convinced that this is the future of one-day cricket, ever since their startling defeat at the hands of South Africa when they'd set them 435 to win.

We disagree. In a one-day match today, England were bowled out for 155, Australia's big-hitters floundered and it was left to Mike Hussey to see them home for the loss of six wickets. There'll always be matches like this. Every side has to have room for a player who recognises when singles are a valuable commodity.

Mike Hussey brings Australia home

How appropriate that the update immediately following our embiggenment of Michael Bevan should revolve around his spiritual successor in the Australia team, Mike Hussey. A top order collapse and the number six batsmen brings Australia home alongside the number eight. Bevan would have been proud.

Mike Hussey top-scored in today's one-dayer against England with only 46 not out. Mal Loye was the second-highest scorer with a run-a-ball 36 on his debut, including a trademark slog-swept six off none other than Brett Lee. It was strange that it was such a low-scoring pitch, because the pitch wasn't bad. They never are for one-day matches.

In truth, Hussey should have been given out caught behind off James Anderson on 19, but the decision went his way. This arguably influenced the outcome of the match, but there's never any way of knowing. In any case, if England deserved a win, they should have scored more than just 155.

A nod to Brett Lee as well who was 20 not out when the winning runs were struck. Brett Lee can bat. Watch this space.

England 155 all out
Australia 156-6

Retiring Michael Bevan retires into retirement

Some players, like Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath and Justin Langer, go out in a blaze of glory. They go out with style and everyone remembers the grand event.

Other players sidle out of the back door, forced into retirement through injury. Sometimes these players are also greats.

Michael Bevan has announced his retirement. He's been suffering so badly with injuries this season that he's "finding it hard to get up for matches". In our opinion Michael Bevan was the greatest one-day international batsman of all time.

Being a great one-day player doesn't have the caché of being a great Test player, as proven by the general lack of coverage of his retirement. Michael Bevan was a great player though, make no mistake.

It's a slightly different type of batting to Test cricket. Like all great players, the way Michael Bevan explains it, it sounds simple, but it's not, so don't underestimate his skill. In a run-chase, Michael Bevan would calculate what was required; work out who he could score off most easily and then, for each ball, he would weigh up the field and pick no more than three shots that would get him runs; then he'd select one according to the delivery.

What was astounding was how successfully he managed this. Time and again Australia would eke home in the last over, with Bevan at the crease. If Australia had batted first, then Bevan was just as adept at gauging what a decent score would be.

We remember his rearguard innings against England in the 2003 World Cup alongside World Cup winner Andy Bichel best, when Australia recovered from 135-8 to successfully chase 205 (Bevan 74 not out). But his finest innings was against the West Indies in 1996. Australia slumped to 38-6 chasing 173 and then 74-7. Bevan won the match with a four off the final ball.

The way Bevan batted was perfect for the one-day spectator as well. It's only a short-term thrill to see the ball dispatched for six. Michael Bevan's way of playing created the best kind of one-day matches. The tension mounts as the overs tick away and it all builds to a giant, nerve-jangling climax.

Of all the batsmen to have ever played one-day cricket, only three have averaged over 50 and only those same three's averages have never dropped below 40. Mike Hussey and Kevin Pietersen are barely starting their careers. Michael Bevan sustained his level of performance over 232 matches, finishing with an average of 53.58.

Some say that his average is artificially inflated by his 67 not outs, but in many way's that's the point. He didn't get out. He got Australia home.

He would have made a fine Test player as well. Ignore people who say he had a weakness against short-pitched bowling. His first-class average was 57.32. He hit 68 hundreds. He was ABSOLUTELY class.

Mal Loye: Everyone wants to know about him

Sometimes we do updates because we've got something to say. Sometimes we do updates because something happens that's impossible to ignore. More commonly we do updates because we've read a quote by an Australian cricketer and when taken out of context it makes them look stupid.

On very rare occasions, we do updates because lots of people want to find out about something and we feel like we ought to make the effort.

So Mal Loye's been called into England's one-day squad for this tri-nations series. Most people don't know who Mal Loye is, so here goes.

Mal Loye plays cricket for Lancashire. He's their best batsman. He's better than Stuart Law, he's better than Andrew Flintoff and he was better than Brad Hodge when Brad Hodge played for Lancashire last year. At least we think he was. Statistics might say otherwise, but statistics aren't going to send you literally hundreds of agitated emails written in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS if you disagree with them.

Mal Loye bats at number three for Lancashire in four-day cricket, but in one-day cricket he opens. He 'takes advantage of the fielding restrictions' in the parlance of cricket-writers worldwide. Sometimes he does this by slog-sweeping opening bowlers for six. It's weird. It's a bit unnerving when he tries it (which is often) but he seems to manage it, so who are we to argue?

If England's one-day team were run like Australia's, Mal Loye would have been playing for the last three years and would arrive at the World Cup full of experience at the height of his batting powers. As England's one-day team isn't run like Australia's, Mal Loye will probably arrive at the World Cup as a virtual debutant, 34 years of age and soon to be discarded. Small differences.

Andrew Flintoff is captain again

Michael Vaughan's knacked (sic) his knee and Andrew Flintoff's captain again. "Just little bits of history repeating," as Shirley Bassey said in that song with the Propellerheads.

You don't hear much of the Propellerheads these days. Time was bands ending '-heads' were all the rage: Propellerheads, Bucketheads - er, that's it. I'm out.

Compare and contrast

The English Cricket Board's article on England's win is entitled 'Flintoff Clinches Epic Victory'.

The Australian Cricket Board's version is called 'Confidence Booster For England'.

England win Down Under

England have won a game. They beat New Zealand. We love one-day cricket. It's bloody amazing, isn't it? We can't wait to see England lift the World Cup. We can barely remember the last time they lost a game.

James Anderson was 'the pick' of the bowlers. Operating in his role as 'the pick', Anderson took 4-42. Note for England's crack bowling strategist: Tell all of England's bowlers that they are 'the pick' of the bowling attack and then just sit back and reap the rewards. We should be a bowling coach.

Andrew Flintoff continued to prove that he isn't a complete spanner with the bat as well, scoring a match-winning 72 not out. All you'll read is that everyone wishes that England had gone to Australia in, like, August so that Flintoff's current form would have occurred during the Ashes. There's definitely a strong case against the tour itinerary, but we're a bit sick of hearing about it. At least he's in form now, that's our feeling. At least he's not a broken man, staring out of the window at the rain, wondering what the hell he's doing with his life. At least he's not worn down by guilt and unremitting pessimism.

New Zealand 205-9
England 206-7

Paul Collingwood should bowl a bit more

Paul Collingwood took 2-25 off his ten overs today. He should bowl more. He's a perfectly reasonable bowler and he's just the sort who thrives in one-day cricket - lots of variation, not much pace.

Sometimes in one-day cricket, it's a good idea to just change the bowling for the sake of it. It can take batsmen a couple of balls to settle. England are very prone to just using their five main bowlers, presumably on the grounds that if the main bowlers can't get wickets or stem the flow of runs, what hope have the part-timers got?

Ian Bell bowls a bit, as does Pietersen when he's fit. There's no shortage of candidates for a bit of a bowl.

How can Australia improve on a 5-0 Ashes victory?

With a 6-0 victory, of course. Cricket Australia want to play an additional Test in Hobart when England next tour.

What is this? The site's reading like one of those filler bits in Heat or FHM or some other publication that's palpably not worth ink. One of those bits where the writer has obviously been entrusted with writing two inches of anything-at-all because an advertiser's sent the wrong sized ad in.

Shane Bond takes a hat trick against Australia

We're struggling today. Expect a couple of workmanlike updates while we try and recapture our form.

Shane Bond took a hat trick against Australia at the weekend. He's a fast bowler. We like fast bowlers. He took it against Australia. We don't really like Australia.

No. It's just not happening. Maybe we should have more coffee or ethanol or something.

Ravinder Bopara called into England's one-day squad

As you're all no doubt aware, Ravi Bopara has been called into England's one-day squad. Bopara has a decent if unspectacular record in county cricket. He's only 21 though, so the seeming mediocrity is more just an absence of information.

Bopara used to open the batting for England under-19s with Alastair Cook. It's presumably on the grounds of his promise at that level and an impressive attitude at the Academy that he's earned his place. He bowls a little bit of medium-pace as well, so he can join Ian Bell and Paul Collingwood as under-used part-time bowlers for England.

Our outside hopes of an international debut came to nothing despite our spending a full six minutes practicing the flipper with a tennis ball last Wednesday. That's six minutes we'll never get back. Although arguably we've redressed the balance by spending precisely no time at all writing anything this weekend.

Mohammad Asif shows us what we were missing

We know that there was that whole drugs thing and it's all a bit controversial and that, but we're really glad Mohammad Asif's back. Why? Because he's a great bowler and more than that, he's a great YOUNG bowler. There aren't too many of those and frankly someone needs to keep the world's batsmen in check.

Mohammad Asif kept South Africa in check where all the rest of his bowling team mates resolutely failed. At the close of play, Mohammad Asif had taken 4-58. South Africa are 254-4.

He's a man alone - much like ourself. Only Mohammad Asif is a great bowler alone amongst relatively ordinary bowlers. We're just alone in a small room because no-one else is around at the minute. It still counts though.

Makhaya Ntini takes five wickets

Makhyaya Ntini took five wickets again today. This happens quite often and we always draw attention to it, but then realise that we haven't actually got anything to say.

It was 5-83 against Pakistan today, which is really good, but not, you know, earth-shattering.

Have we mentioned the thing about how we thought people were pronouncing Paolo Nutini's name wrong because of Makhaya? We have? Oh, er, we're pretty much out then. Maybe we should just toast him, being as it's a Friday night.

To Makhaya Ntini!

Virender Sehwag is dropped

India have got two home one-day internationals against the West Indies coming up. They've dropped Virender Sehwag for them.

Virender Sehwag's totally out of form at the minute. It must be particularly hard on him, because he's a real 'feel' player. We imagine that he usually feels like Mr Universe feeling extra-confident. He has a fairly unique approach to the game, which seems to be that almost every ball, good or bad, is there to be hit for four. How you recover that sort of form is beyond most people, so he's on his own.

Bizarrely, Virender Sehwag's one-day record is actually very ordinary. For a player who averages near-enough 50 in Tests and who scores his runs like every over's his last, his one-day average is unexpectedly poor - 31.28. He's played 163 one-day internationals, so it's not misleading.

We hope he gets his game sorted, because we really like him. He's one on his own is our Virender.

Who should replace Kevin Pietersen?

KP's injured. Don't worry, he should have recovered by the World Cup. Glenn McGrath hit him in the ribs. Ordinarily, being hit by a Glenn McGrath medium-pace special wouldn't inflict much damage, but Kevin Pietersen was advancing on it like a puma. A puma with a bat. And a helmet...

The obvious choice to replace him would be Rob Key, but assuming that England's selectors pay more attention to his indifferent one-day record than his ability to light up the world like ten blazing suns becoming supernovae, who's the more likely candidate?

In one of the least exciting moves imaginable, we'd go for Ed Joyce. Other candidates are Owais Shah, who the selectors don't seem overly keen on and for an outside bet, what about Mal Loye?

Theoretically, Mal Loye would make a decent replacement for Pietersen. He's a fantastic, aggressive one-day batsman with bags of experience who knows his game inside out. 'Knowing your game' is key these days, even though it's always cricket and therefore isn't rare knowledge.

Our reservation with Mal Loye and indeed with virtually all the prospective candidates is that he's never played in a particularly pressured environment. Say what you like about any county match, there isn't a single situation that comes close to international cricket.

It's one of the great mysteries that England can hand out so many one-day debuts and yet still have so few players with international experience from which to choose.

Test Match Special: Where do YOU stand on TMS?

As we all know, everything in life can be divided into things that make you angry or things that make you amazed. Where does the BBC's Test Match Special fall?

Michael Henderson has written a piece for the Guardian about how TMS is going to change later this year when its current producer, Peter Baxter, retires. Henderson implores the BBC to preserve TMS in its current form with maybe a bit of tinkering around the edges. He imbues the word 'accessible' with pejorative connotations and foresees a nightmare future of lowest common denominator cricket coverage.

Why? It's something of a presumption that any changes to TMS will be designed to hook that fictional everyman who the media so frequently court. Why won't the changes be for the better?

We like Test Match Special, don't get us wrong. We've even warmed to some of its more laughable eccentricities, to a degree. However, it's anything but accessible, in the literal sense. If you were new to cricket and wanted coverage of the sport that you'd recently come to love, you'd be pretty underwhelmed by TMS. It's insular and many of the team are downright offputting to many people. We mention no names.

One of Henderson's main defences of the current team are that several have good, clear speaking voices. If it weren't an article in The Guardian, we'd be tempted to believe that his reference to 'people who speak sloppily' were code for those with regional accents.

Again, we DO like Test Match Special. But why shouldn't an overhaul of the programme be more reminiscent of Channel 4's improvement on the BBC's staid TV coverage several years ago, rather than the desperate pandering to all that Michael Henderson envisages?

Matthew Hayden plumbs new depth of idiocy with verdict on England's one-day side

"I think they are a good one-day outfit."

An unbeatable England one-day team

Vaughan
Flintoff
Bell
Pietersen
Strauss
Collingwood
Dalrymple
Prior
Tremlett
Panesar
AndersonUnbeatable so long as it stays where it belongs - in the realms of fantasy.

Hope you're all appreciating the blue box. As the most successful thing we've ever achieved in life, we couldn't wait another second before using it again.

Openers:

We've gone for Michael Vaughan because we said we would yesterday. We've also gone for Flintoff, but we'd like to make this clear: NOT as a pinch-hitter.

The Flintoff who opens the batting in our one-day team has been told not to go for the big shots. He's been told to try and bat through the innings. This might seem like a complete waste of one of England's biggest hitters, but if you get anywhere near 50 overs out of Flintoff, you're well on the way to a big total however he bats. He's incapable of scoring slowly.

It might also mean that he bats properly and doesn't just aim a big slog at his third ball and get out.

Middle order:

Nothing too radical. Bell's not a particularly quick scorer, but he can actually score, so he gets his place ahead of most of his rivals on that count.

It might seem weird having Strauss at five, but that's where he first started his one-day career and he was pretty handy. Plus we've run out of opening slots. Besides any batting position's tantamount to being an opener in an England one-day team.

Wicketkeeper:

We actually thought we'd go for Read because we think he deserves a few matches on the run in one form of the game or another. Then we remembered that we'd vaguely championed Matt Prior in a half-arsed way earlier in the year, so we thought we'd better be consistent. It's easier to find good pictures of Matt Prior too.

Spinners:

Don't forget Ian Blackwell. He actually bowled really well in India, going for very few runs. Plus, one day he HAS to manage a quick fifty for England. Having said that, we've gone for Jamie Dalrymple because he's actually made runs already and his bowling's all right. We've also gone for Monty Panesar because he's magic.

Seamers:

Chris Tremlett gets the nod, because he was good against Australia before his injury and because he's a giant and giant's are cool. James Anderson also plays because at least he's played more than eight games, even if he's a bit off at the minute.

Jon Lewis and Liam Plunkett wait in the wings. Sajid Mahmood aims for the wings, but misses by a clear eight feet.

Conclusion:

If this or any other England one-day side is half as successful as the blue box, it'll be a grand achievement.

Michael Vaughan's still intact

England were beaten again today. Let's gloss over that part. In fact, let's completely ignore it.

Michael Vaughan played! And he survived! In addition to this, he opened the batting and played a pull shot. It was like the glory days when England only lost 4-1 in Australia rather than 5-0.

Most cricketing sages are saying that it's stupid that Michael Vaughan's in England's one-day squad and that he's captain. They say he was never much good as a one-day player - which is true - and that he's likely to still be a little preoccupied with his knee - which is also probably true.

On the other hand, it just feels a damn sight better to have Michael Vaughan around looking determined and saying half-interesting things at press conferences, doesn't it? Michael Vaughan's a proven international captain and he doesn't let things slide.

We're happier even if we're kidding ourself. We don't care. Kidding yourself is de rigueur for England supporters right now, otherwise things all get a bit negative and you end up spending a large percentage of your time sleeping because you're not interested in anything except crying and feeling guilty.

We're drafting a World Cup-winning England one-day team at the moment. We're going to ink Michael Vaughan in as opener, even though that wasn't the plan. We've realised that faint positive vibes as a result of harking back to the golden days is a far more realistic target than actually trying to devise a side that could beat another group of international cricketers.

England's a rubbish place

The Guardian have got a faintly knee-jerk article about the differences between English and Australian sporting cultures. There's doubtless a lot of truth in it, but it reads as rather contrived. There's a great quote though:

"Who are the Ashes between? It's five countries isn't it - or is that rugger? Selling off playing fields has been extremely bad. There's nowhere else for children to play. Wherever you go now it says 'No ball games'. There are so many fat children. They ought to have fat children's cricket."

We hear you, Caroline Biggins, grandmother from Totnes. There really SHOULD be fat children's cricket. There should also be fat adult professionals' cricket. Mark Cosgrove, Ian 'Fatty' Austin, Inzy, Darren Lehmann. It would be marvellous.

Matthew Hayden shows his true colours - the colours of a bastard

Things we hate about Matthew Hayden:

His face
The way he stands
Everything he ever says

Just as we were convincing ourself that losing the Ashes 5-0 wasn't the worst thing that could ever happen, up steps Matthew Hayden to remind us that actually, it IS just about the worst thing that could ever happen. And then some.

Here's the first bit of what he said, which made us eat an entire duvet through frustration:

"Nothing was going to stand in the way of this Australian side, It has the ability, it has the talent, plus the respect for the game."

Ignoring the fact that 'respect for cricket' isn't a particularly key ingredient for success, the sky-high arrogance is kind of meaningless after the fact. Before the Ashes it would at least make sense. This is just needless. It smacks of, of... of bastardliness.

Here's the second bit of what he said, where he reveals himself as a moron, uncomfortable with his mother tongue. He's describing how winning in India was more satisfying than this Ashes victory:

"The capacity to win in another country under duress of opposition tactics and their entire country was perhaps the best team result that we've had."

Lasith Malinga's doing stuff that makes us happy

Yay. Fast bowling's not dead yet. Sri Lanka have absolutely walloped New Zealand in a one-dayer in Auckland. Lasith Malinga took 3-14. Chaminda Vaas took 3-10, but Malinga's the future. The future, you hear!

This is also good news for England in a seeing-what-you-want-to kind of a way. Sri Lanka absolutely battered England in the one-dayers over the summer. If Sri Lanka are THIS much better than New Zealand, maybe England aren't all that bad...

Benevolent Uncle Sanath got Sri Lanka off to a flyer like it was 1996 all over again, hitting 70 off 44 balls, which is just ludicrous really. He hit five sixes, which is quite a lot when you think about it. Sri Lanka made 262-6.

Then the fun REALLY started as New Zealand were bowled out for just 73 with only two players reaching double figures. We haven't seen a single ball of it, but we imagine Lasith Malinga looked serious and New Zealand's batsmen looked around pleading for help, but no-one answered their calls.

Bizarrely, Lasith Malinga has opted to have his hair cut like mum's was in 1983. Always ahead of her time, mum.

Murali took 2-7. It was a good match all round.

It gets worse

At least it gets worse if you're English. If you're Australian, it's a bounteous day of joyful riches or something similarly upbeat.

Australia have also regained the catchily-named Alternative Test Cricket World Championship title. Yes, they're the Alternative Test Cricket World Champions. We're sure that they're delighted.

To bring you up to speed, England were in possession of the title having defeated Pakistan in their previous series - Pakistan having only gained the title by beating England at home, earlier in the year.

Whatever. The important point is that England have lost something else!

There's a plus side

There's a tangential link to a fat cricketer.

This is the first Ashes whitewash since Warwick Armstrong's Australians managed it in 1920-21.

Warwick Armstrong was mighty fat.

It's a crippling defeat!

We damn near suffered a cardiac arrest we were that surprised by the result of the fifth Test. England were pretty much down and out and they - sod it, let's use the word one more time - capitulated.

114-5 overnight, became 147 all out. See here if you really want to know our thoughts about that exact brand of English incompetence. And so the Ashes were returned to Australia as if they were some kind of burden that England wanted rid of.

Next we get the one-dayers and England really ARE crap at those. Don't be fooled by New Zealand either, they're ranked third in the world. England are eighth.

We're so dispirited that we're actually going to go and do some work, rather than read about cricket. That's how bad it's got.

Australia 393 and 46-0
England 291 and 147

Australia regain the Ashes 5-0 and don't seem remotely disappointed that there wasn't much competition for them.

Shane Warne bats England to death

In marked contrast to England's duck-and-two-scoring lower-order, Australia's tail wagged. Only that phrase is redundant - Australia don't have a tail; they have lower-order batsmen.

Stuart Clark, batting at 10, hit 35 and Shane Warne hit 71 in what may prove to be his swansong innings. Whereas England scrabbled desperately from 245-5 to 291 all out, Australia flew joyfully from 190-5 to 393 all out.

There have been many differences between these two sides during this series, but this a marked one. It's emblematic of many of England's failings. While their lower-order batting hasn't been the worst in history, it's never achieved anything unexpected. If you've any ambition to be the best, you can't be a slave to expectation.

Andrew Flintoff the batsman

Andrew Flintoff hit 89 today. It was a lone hand as England's other batsmen perished like sticklebacks in outer space. Sticklebacks hate space.

This is Flintoff's first Ashes Down Under, so maybe we should cut him some slack. Just how many times has he actually batted on Australian pitches?

They say that it takes a while to get used to the extra bounce and all batting conditions require different approaches. Maybe Andrew Flintoff, England's captain, is finding his way during an Ashes series.

You'd rather hope that he wouldn't have to learn on the job, but those blink and you miss 'em warm ups won't have done the trick.

England collapse like a house of cards on uneven ground in a gale

It's almost enough to make you agree with Duncan Fletcher. England's tail is as robust as filo pastry at the minute. At least they've made progress in that the tail starts at seven now, rather than six. This is because Andrew Flintoff actually did a bit of batting. In fact he did so rather well.

What hope has he got though, when the batsmen following him score 2, 0, 2, 0 and 0. In our review of 2006, we highlighted Paul Collingwood's last wicket stand with Monty Panesar against India as a high point. A bit of robust defence from the lower order demoralises the opposition. Conversely, regular wickets gee them up. England's current lower order smacks of the Alan Mullally years.

England 291 all out
Australia 188-4

Ian Bell does a bit of something - no real news though

Every sports story has an 'angle'; a way to draw in the reader; a uniting theme for the piece. The angle for the first day of the fifth Ashes Test seems to be that Ian Bell hit a 50, but couldn't make a hundred, which is a pretty lame angle.

Presumably the amassed ranks of journalists had already penned their 'Bell redemptive hundred' stories and then had them dashed when he'd only reached 71. No-one else did much of anything and the Warne/McGrath/Langer stories will have to wait in the wings for nearer the end of the match.

Justin Langer retires

"Rewards taste so much sweeter when you have tasted the bitter feeling of disappointment" - Justin Langer

We're starting to get really worried about this site. It's descending into a right cliché-fest. A player retires - we trawl around for a fitting quote that in some way summarises their career. Next thing you know we'll be reproducing the inane banalities that spew from players' mouths in the post-match interviews.

Justin Langer's retiring after this Sydney Test along with everyone else. He's always the bridesmaid, Justin Langer. We don't mean that he's overshadowed by others on his retirement day or that he's always been overshadowed by his more newsworthy opening partner, Matthew Hayden. No, we actually mean that Justin Langer's a transvestite with a penchant for embarrassing wedding-wear.

Justin Langer's career record is really very good. It's only pure misfortune that's cast him in a supporting role, although he doubtless doesn't see it that way. Thinking about it, he's right. He's held his own in one of the greatest ever Test sides and played a massive part in their success. How's that unfortunate?

With one or two innings to go, Justin Langer has hit 7,650 runs at 45.26 during 104 Tests including 23 hundreds

We're struggling to think of anyone who seems to be hit by the ball more than Justin Langer (maybe Graham Thorpe). He's massively brave and resilient. He's also one of the most determined cricketers around. Everything we read about him seems to be peppered with examples of his hard-work and single-mindedness in pursuing his dreams.

Mike Hussey's similar. There really is no mystery as to why some of Australia's batsmen are so good. They practice a hell of a lot and they go the extra mile, wherever it may take them. We're fascinated by people who are motivated. It's a bafflingly foreign concept for us.

Will Jefferson's in the England A squad

Despite playing about once all season, England have included part-man, part-turret, Will Jefferson in their A squad for the tour of Bangladesh. With his gargantuan physique and brilliantine white skin, Will'll blend in seamlessly with the locals.

Also included are Nick Compton, Adil Rashid and Tom Smith - all of whom we're quite interested in.

Matt Prior's in again as well. He's quickly becoming the new Glen Chapple - a perpetual A-tourist.