King Cricket

A new home

2007-08-15T11:14:00.009+01:00

It's a big day. As Nenge Mboko says in Trading Places when the train sets off: "Ve are moofing. Ve are moofing."

We're moving to kingcricket.co.uk

A proper grown-up URL for a proper not-so-grown-up website.

Go there! Go there now! Marvel at how little we've written.

Inzamam-ul-Haq holds his balls

2007-08-15T09:15:00.002+01:00

Sometimes you don't need a clever caption.

England v India, third Test

2007-08-14T09:12:00.000+01:00

You'll have noticed that we didn't do anything about the third Test yesterday. It's almost like we knew that Miriam was doing a match report for days four and five. But we didn't. We didn't know that at all. We're just lazy.

Miriam's match report:

Day four

(1) I live near the Oval and am acutely aware of the food situation so brought sandwiches from home, but was very envious of the M&S picnic of the men in front of us.

(2) I didn’t take a sweater, so was too cold for parts of the day. On the plus side, it didn’t matter that I’d forgotten sunscreen.

(3) When we got home, we watched the highlights. At one point there was a shot of RP Singh on the balcony with his bare feet on the railings and we both had the same thought: He has really, really beautiful feet, especially for a man. We wondered if he pedicures. He does obviously go to the hairdresser saying: “Just a trim, but I don’t want to lose any volume on top please”.

Day five

(1) The man next to us spilt a pint of beer - luckily not on us.

(2) We spent some time analysing the chants emanating from the noisy stand next to us. “Boring Boring England” is in itself boring, so shouldn’t be used, unless it is meant to be making an ironic point. “1 – 0 to the India” only encourages India to settle for a draw. “Barmy Army. Barmy Army” did not please us as we thought it was more for the supporters than the players. But we did like “Ian Bell, Bell, Bell, Ian Bell” (to the tune of “you can ring my bell”).

(3) We got cups of tea during the bad light break and they really hit the spot. The cups should be bigger though – the mark-up that could be charged on a larger cup of tea would surely vastly outweigh the extra cost of the cup and the negligible cost of the water.

(4) At one point all the Indian players were in a huddle except Sreesanth, who was miles away waiting in his field position. He noticed the huddle and went up to them, at which point the huddle instantly separated. I did wonder if they were all like: “Shhh, shhhh, he’s coming, quick, change the subject”.

(5) The following people gave the crowd a wave when asked: Sourav Ganguly, Sachin Tendulkar, Sreesanth, Steve Bucknor.

(6) When Zaheer Khan was announced as India’s Man of the Series, they put his name on the big screen. Only they spelt it wrong. If it were someone with an equivocal name (eg Karthick/Karthik) that’s one thing, but KHAN? It’s the easiest of the lot, people! I just hope they got it right on his cheque. Also, the variety of fonts they used on the big screen made it look like a personalised greetings card - "Congratulations ZAHEER KAHN on passing your driving test" or whatever.

Michael Vaughan stretches to tickle a pterodactyl under its chin

2007-08-13T10:53:00.000+01:00

(It's just off camera)

'There's a good prehistoric winged vertebrate.'

Paul Collingwood would never make a schoolboy error like this. Look how horrified Michael Atherton is.

Why Anil Kumble deserves his Test hundred

2007-08-11T10:37:00.007+01:00

A man who's taken more Test wickets than any other Indian and who once took all ten in an innings (against Pakistan no less) shouldn't have too many targets remaining in cricket, but a Test hundred was doubtless one of them for Anil Kumble.

Four fifties in his previous 150 innings didn't really hint at imminent fulfillment, but if you've scored over 2,000 Test runs, you've just got to take the 'getting out' part out of the equation.

So he did. Anil Kumble batted as well as he can - which is really rather well - and India's innings ended with him standing at the other end with 110 runs to his name.

He should be the biggest name in the Indian team, but Anil Kumble's probably not all that arsed about being so crazily popular that crowds of people gather to chant his name when he goes out to buy underpants. He's probably not mad-keen on advertising motorbikes with his bare chest exposed underneath a leather jacket. And rightly so.

So being as he doesn't want the public to reward him for his bowling endeavours by being crazy, obsessive and a little bit frightening, he'll have to be rewarded in some other way. What better way than with an unexpected Test hundred. He deserves it.

England v India, third Test at The Oval, day two
India 664 all out (Anil Kumble 110 not out, Mahendra Singh Dhoni 92, Dinesh Karthik 91, Sachin Tendulkar 82, Rahul Dravid 55, VVS Laxman 51, James Anderson 4-182)
England 24-1

Mahendra Singh Dhoni - a textbook modern wicketkeeper

2007-08-11T10:18:00.002+01:00

Keepers have to bat. Keepers have to bat aggressively. If your side have lost early wickets, you come in and counter-attack. If your side is going well, you come in and drive home the advantage.

There was some textbook driving home of the advantage yesterday from Mahendra Singh Dhoni as he spanked, whopped and carted 92 runs off 81 balls. There were 65 balls for the first 50, then he picked up the pace a touch.

This textbook outlining how wicketkeepers should drive home the advantage is quite new and some of the diagrams aren't finished yet, because it's kind of tricky to capture exactly what Mahendra Dhoni does a lot of the time.

Like when he plays shots with both feet off the ground. People who illustrate cricketing textbooks have trouble coming to terms with things like that. They like rigid, wooden cricketers whose bodies describe sharp right-angles when they play shots. They like short hair too.

The only downside to Mahendra Dhoni's innings, as far as we can see, is that he made Sachin Tendulkar look sedate and old. We're not a fan of that.

Take a look at the best cricket books

England v India, third Test at The Oval, day two
India 664 all out (Anil Kumble 110 not out, Mahendra Singh Dhoni 92, Dinesh Karthik 91, Sachin Tendulkar 82, Rahul Dravid 55, VVS Laxman 51, James Anderson 4-182)
England 24-1

Simon Jones is injured

2007-08-10T15:17:00.000+01:00

Kind of implies that he was fit at some point, doesn't it?

We hear that he's knacked-up his calf. A medical expert said: 'He's knacked-up his calf.'

The recovery period for a calf-knacking is usually just a week or so, but this is Simon Jones so expect to see him back in action - well - never.

Dinesh Karthik hits a six-and-a-half

2007-08-10T09:35:00.000+01:00

No, they're not doing nines yet. It's just rhetoric. There, that saved a few of you having to comment, didn't it?

We've heard a lot about Karthik's middle-order stroke-playing credentials, but we hadn't seen much evidence until yesterday. He's seemed like a classic, blunter of an opener so far this series - a good one, at that.

But at one point yesterday, he backed round a Monty Panesar delivery that pitched on leg and lifted it into the off-side over extra cover for six. It was a special shot.

In the end, he seemed a bit unlucky to be given out for 91. However, that was nothing compared to Sourav Ganguly's dismissal - lbw despite a huge inside edge.

Ganguly's always been a combative character. It's both his most and least admirable characteristic, paradoxically. With that in mind, the Prince of Calcutta (shouldn't that be Kolkata now?) deserves some sort of International Good Humour award for the smiling demonstration he gave as he left the field.

To return to Karthik, we're pretty sure we heard Sunil Gavaskar saying that he'd changed the spelling of his surname to 'Kaarthik', but we're not writing that until someone else does. Apparently, a numerologist told him he'd be more successful with an extra 'a'. Our name's chock full of 'a's - you won't catch us 'being successful'.

England v India, third Test at the Oval, day one
India 316 (Dinesh Karthik 91, Rahul Dravid 55)

King of Spain retires

2007-08-09T18:57:00.001+01:00

The King of Spain was a great nickname, much better than 'The Wheelie Bin' for example - another name with which Ashley Giles was branded.

The 'three-dimensional cricketer'

For a good many years Ashley Giles was the least regarded member of the England team. Only a succession of wicketkeepers could rival him for that title, but he survived and managed the rare feat of scoring both 1,000 Test runs and taking 100 Test wickets.

His bowling average of 40 is probably fair though. He was employed as the least glamorous bowler in Duncan Fletcher's sides. A man who 'kept it tight'. A man who bored batsmen out for his wickets. On occasions, on the right pitch, he could rise to the occasion and attack, but it was pretty rare.

But oh how absence makes the heart grow fonder. What England wouldn't do for a number eight batsman who could average 20 now. We just described him as the least glamorous bowler in Duncan Fletcher's sides, but he was also the least glamorous batsman and as such he was handy. Add in his glue-like hands in the gully and here was a cricketer of some worth.

Ashes 2005

Our favourite Gilo memories are almost inevitably from the 2005 Ashes series. They're both with the bat. Giles was primarily a bowler, so in this regard, he disappointed. As a lower-order batsman, runs were a delight. It was all relative to expectation.

The first memory is of Giles and Hoggard seeing England over the line in the fourth Test when every single run felt like a minor miracle. You will never see a finer seven not out than Ashley Giles' innings that day.

Take a look at a replay and observe Steve Harmison waiting to bat. We've literally never seen anyone so nervous in our life. Never. That Giles could so much as hold a cricket bat was a source of wonder to us. Even beer didn't settle our nerves at the time. Even beer, you hear. Even beer.

The second memory is of his career-best 59 that helped England draw the fifth Test and therefore win the Ashes. Again, how did he combat the nerves and coordinate his limbs?

Everyone remembers Kevin Pietersen's innings, but when Giles came in England were 199-7; 204 ahead with 40-odd overs to go. The Australians were sniffing victory.

When Giles passed 50 the crowd went mental. By that point in the series, pretty much everyone taking an interest was ravaged by nerves to the point of dementia, but still. They really, really appreciated what he'd done.

When he acknowledged them and removed his helmet, you can clearly see a tear in his eye, if you watch it again. You'll all accuse us of being a woman, but we liked that.

Good cricketer, Ash. Not the best, but pretty-damn-useful when it mattered.

Rob Key is unbeaten, unyielding, unbowed

2007-08-09T09:18:00.001+01:00

Rob Key hit 75 not out, yesterday, in a Kent total of 150. Harbhajan Singh took wickets for fun for Surrey, ('This wicket-taking is fun,' he was heard to say) but Rob was immovable.

This warrants a new Rob Key song. To the tune of 'Robin Hood, Robin Hood':

Robert Key, Robert Key, opened up for Kent;
Robert Key, Robert Key, all knew what this meant;
Did he get out?
Was there any doubt?
Front foot clout;
Back foot clout;
Rob's not out.

Rob Key posts:
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Limbo cricket

2007-08-08T15:18:00.000+01:00

Mashrafe Mortaza executes a classic limbo cricket stroke, never once inclining his back above 30 degrees from the parallel.

Youngsters take note: This is how to firmly strike a ball while simultaneously damaging your spine.

The final Test

2007-08-08T08:52:00.000+01:00

Sounds like something from some sort of quest, but no, it's just the end of a cricket series.

England face India tomorrow needing a win to tie the series and protect their really-quite-impressive home record of recent years. India, for their part, will be desperate for at least a draw to improve their really-quite-staggeringly-lamentable away record.

We're just hoping for good weather, because this is the last Test cricket until December. That's right - December. Rubbish, eh?

Sure, there's plenty of cricket, just not Test cricket. With the summer meteorologically just beginning, Test cricket takes a back seat and the increasingly redundant one-day game comes to the fore.

There are no fewer than seven one-day internationals between England and India coming up. That's too many. The last time England and India played seven one-day internationals, in April last year, we were forced to draft a letter mid-way through the series promising India ALL of the Transformers, if they laid off poor, beleaguered England.

Generously, India cancelled the next match due to an unsuitable pitch. At the time 'not taking the field of play' was quite a result for England.

But enough of that. There's a Test tomorrow.

Australia call up your mate's dad

2007-08-07T12:09:00.000+01:00

As a result of Brett Lee's unavailability, Australia today offered a surprise call-up to your mate's dad.

Chairman of selectors, Andrew Hilditch, justified the decision saying: "Your mate's dad's been in great form of late and we wanted to go with a bit of experience. Shaun Tait's coming along well, but we feel that your mate's dad will offer greater consistency.

"He's also closer in age to the rest of the squad, which should help in the dressing room," Hilditch added.

Twenty20 finals day 2007

2007-08-05T11:42:00.001+01:00

Twenty20 finals day confirmed our belief that the entire tournament, indeed the whole of cricket, is merely a vehicle to showcase the skills of one man, one magical phenomenon - Mr Robert Key.

In the first semi final, Lancashire gave up on defending what they considered a meagre total very early on and were battered by Gloucestershire. Lancashire's score turned out to be the second-highest of the day.

In the second semi final, Rob Key achieved the unthinkable - he turned round a Twenty20 match. Popular knowlege decrees that once you're on the back foot in a Twenty20 match, you stay there. Rob Key turned this misconception ON ITS HEAD.

He defied this assumption and ACHIEVED THE IMPOSSIBLE, as only he can. Sussex were cruising at 60-0 off hardly any overs at all, but captaincy from another plane of existence limited them to 140 all out. Rob followed this with a display of batting that was quite literally unprecedented in the modern era, 62 sumptuous, unbeaten runs to take Kent into the final.

In the final against Gloucestershire, Rob spirited a hat trick out of dependable-if-unspectacular South African all-rounder, Ryan McLaren. We believe that Ryan later put his achievement down to 'the great man's mere presence', but we can't substantiate this story.

Rob was cruelly robbed of his chance to hit the winning runs by a lamentable umpiring decision, but he retained a serene dignity as he flapped around the outfield on his way off the pitch, swearing and throwing his bat over the rope.

As with the Ashes series in 2005 and the World Cup final and any other widely-viewed cricketing competition of note, the denouement was played out amid scenes of high farce as the match was won with a boundary off a no-ball, leading to the stuttering hum of crowd confusion as they all discussed how it was two for a no-ball, so actually Kent must have won. Kent's semi final was decided in equally drama-free fashion.

Rob Key posts
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Paul Collingwood gently punches a pterodactyl

2007-08-04T11:16:00.000+01:00

The pterodactyl's just off camera.

It's weird how nonplussed everyone seems. We'd be bricking it if a pterodactyl descended on us.

Maybe everyone just feels safe because they know that Paul Collingwood will be able to repel it.

Canadian cricket

2007-08-03T09:43:00.000+01:00

The other day, we said that the only downside of Canada was no cricket. That's not strictly true.

Here's a picture of a match taking place in Stanley Park in Vancouver. There was some fairly steady drizzle at the time, but you learn to live with that if you live in Vancouver - even if you're a cricketer.

What's that you say? You're questioning whether this picture was actually taken in Canada.

Well look closer. What's that on the right hand side?

Totem poles! If that doesn't convince you that this is cricket in Canada, what will?

Cricket, but not as we know it

2007-08-02T10:38:00.000+01:00

Ever watched the BBC TV programme, Last Man Standing? It's an elaborate gameshow where six muscled 'athletes' of varying size and likeability compete in a number of obscure games in various corners of the world.

We saw an episode last night, where the six rippling He-Men were playing cricket. Only it wasn't cricket as we all know it.

They were on a Pacific Island called Trobriand. Cricket had been brought here by Christian missionaries, but it's sort of evolved into something else entirely.

For one thing, there are about a million fielders (most of whom seemingly can't catch), but most strikingly of all, when a wicket falls, the fielding side performs a taunting dance. It's brilliant. For instance, when someone is caught out, they perform the octopus dance, which involves lots of thigh-slapping and hand waving, like the start of The Haka.

The batsman's bat's a bit longer and narrower than a conventional cricket bat and the ball's smaller and harder. The batsman himself doesn't run as there are specialist runners taking the singles. Imagine two injured batsmen at the crease and it works the same.

Of course, this also means you can get run out through no fault of your own. Not that this prevents the fielding side from rubbing it in by singing about how you're not going to earn any yams.

Those of you who can get BBC3 can watch the episode at 20:00 on Sunday. Or you could watch the denouement which features a glorious rearguard innings from competitor Rajko, who'd rather foolishly buried an axe into his own foot shortly before the match.

There's a proper documentary available too, if you're a grown-up.

Zaheer Khan could learn from Marcus Trescothick

2007-08-01T09:09:00.001+01:00

Zaheer Khan said he found the presence of jelly beans on the wicket while he was batting "insulting".

He should follow Marcus Trescothick's example.

TRAMPLE THEM WITHOUT MERCY

Where India beat England

2007-07-31T12:58:00.000+01:00

England and India appear to be evenly matched sides and what proved decisive was how each side responded when things weren't going their way.

When the ball was swinging

In this Test, ball dominated bat at first. That England slumped to a small total was predictable, but it could have been so different, as India's innings showed.

Dinesh Karthik and Wasim Jaffer protected the Indian middle-order from the new ball and Tendulkar and Ganguly duly prospered. Another ten or twenty runs in England's opening partnership could have led to another 30 or 40 from their middle order or who knows what.

The second new ball

During India's innings, three wickets had fallen when the second new ball became available. England didn't manage to take a wicket for another 27 overs after taking it.

In England's second innings, India found themselves in the exact same position. Three wickets were down when they took the second new ball. Two wickets fell within a couple of overs and two more shortly afterwards. England's fightback had been unceremoniously halted.

Zaheer Khan's bowling secret

2007-07-31T11:25:00.000+01:00

Zaheer Khan took 4-59 and 5-75 in the second Test against England. Just what is his secret?

Swing the ball both ways
Land the ball on the spot
Keep doing it
Do it a bit more
Bit more
...Mmm... Bit more...

Also, don't discount his productive year in county cricket last season while in exile from the Indian national side.

Michael Vaughan's 'best' innings not enough

2007-07-31T08:27:00.000+01:00

Several people have been saying that Michael Vaughan's 124 against India yesterday was his best innings.

Those people obviously never saw his frankly sublime 177 against Australia in 2002, when the next highest contribution in the innings was just 47. This was a batsman in total command of not just the bowling, but also himself, to paraphrase CLR James.

In that same year he can boast of 145 against the same opponents in Melbourne and 183 in Sydney. Just prior to that Ashes series during India's previous tour, a round 100 in the Lord's Test and 195 at The Oval were the bread of a gargantuan sandwich, the filling of which was 197 in Nottingham - so it's arguable whether yesterday's hundred was even Michael Vaughan's best innings at Trent Bridge against India.

He can swing a bat a bit though, can Michael. In a totally needless and embarrassing move, we're going to brand Michael Vaughan 'a dude'.

That's right. We're so delighted by Michael Vaughan's current form, we're pretending we're 12 again.

England v India, second Test at Trent Bridge, day four
England 198 all out (Zaheer Khan 4-59)
India 481 (Sachin Tendulkar 91, Sourav Ganguly 79, Dinesh Karthik 77, Wasim Jaffer 62, Monty Panesar 4-101)
England 355 all out (Michael Vaughan 124, Paul Collingwood 63, Andrew Strauss 55, Zaheer Khan 5-75)
England

Rob Key tonks 104 v Derbyshire

2007-07-30T15:11:00.001+01:00

Rob Key played a superlative innings against Derbyshire yesterday, taking Kent to a deserved win.

One prominent expert was moved to comment:

"As soon as that brash young buck arrived at the crease, everyone sensed that something transcendent was about to take place.

"His first stroke was a blistering forward defensive and he never looked back, except when he edged through the vacant slip area on 14, 23, 65 and 78 - oh and once when he completely missed the ball.

"If my gramophone hadn't broken, I'd invite that red-faced right-hander round to my home for a celebratory waltz and some apple brandy."

Rob Key posts
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Kent v Warwickshire

2007-07-30T11:57:00.000+01:00

Lemon Bella says:

Myself and Indian Skimmer saw three days of the Kent v Warwickshire match at the St Lawrence Ground. This report is late, because we spent the rest of the week going for walks and visiting the zoo.

I've also attached a photo of Simon Cook being conspicuously indifferent to cricket because cricketers are animals too.

On Saturday, we arrived ten minutes after Martin Van Jaarsveld scored his century, so we can't tell you anything about that. Also, we had to leave half an hour before Geraint Jones scored his century, so we can't tell you about that either. We're sure they were both very good. However, we can report that Andrew Hall is a lot smaller and rounder in real life than on the TV. We think he might have made himself smaller and rounder so he could fit in at Kent.

During the lunch break there was some sort of presentation. We have no idea what the presentation was for because the PA system was broken, making the announcer sound like a dalek. There was a lot of clapping, though, so we're sure the presentation must have been for something good.

Joe Denly ate a sandwich on the balcony. We were not close enough to see what kind of sandwich it was, even with binoculars. We had tuna mayonnaise sandwiches, so maybe he did too. We had coffee and walnut cake as well but Joe Denly doesn’t look like the type to eat cake. Andrew Hall does.

On Sunday we had some fantastic chocolate from Aldi. It didn't taste like you'd expect cheap chocolate from Aldi to taste. We did some internet research about the chocolate when we got home. The company that makes it was expelled from Germany in 1939, so it's actually anti-Nazi chocolate.

In the afternoon we went for a walk instead and found some cake in the members' lounge, but we weren't sure if we were supposed to eat it. We just used the coffee machine and snuck out before someone important demanded to see our members' pass and we had to try and find it. If anyone knows what the cake was for, and if we can eat it next time we see it, please let us know.

On Monday it rained a lot and we went to the pub. We bought some crisps and a man told us it was nice to see young ladies like us at the cricket.

Dinesh Karthik and Wasim Jaffer show the way

2007-07-30T09:11:00.000+01:00

The start of this Test was dominated by swing bowling. The feeling that England's batsmen had rather meekly submitted was born out by the performances of Dinesh Karthik and Wasim Jaffer.

Never mind that Tendulkar and Ganguly outscored both of India's openers, that first partnership was key. This was when England's bowlers were bowling at their best, but with each delivery that went by, the pair were making life easier for the middle order.

Tendulkar and Ganguly both batted well, but Dinesh Karthik and Wasim Jaffer gave them the best opportunity to do so.

Karthik's not a batsman we know all that well (we've heard he's a superior wicketkeeper to Dhoni, which is handy) but Jaffer's an opener of some talent. He's been in and out of the side with clockwork regularity and we still fear for him.

A good old-fashioned blunting the new ball innings of 62 here will soon become just an innings of 62 shorn of context. Some other opener will thrash a one-day hundred against Zimbabwe and steal his place.

We know this post's dry and humourless. It's Monday morning - we're just getting our eye in. We don't want to be making any loose jokes outside off-stump when we're still vulnerable to the moving view of what's funny.

Monty Panesar wins 'spot the Andrew Flintoff' competition

2007-07-27T11:17:00.000+01:00

There he is!

Cricket Captain 3 demo

2007-07-26T12:00:00.000+01:00

EA Cricket installments come out to great fanfare with celebrity endorsements. The Cricket Life people email us and keep us abreast of things. Empire Interactive however, don't tend to bother telling anyone when they release a new version of International Cricket Captain - or Cricket Captain as it's now more pleasingly known.

We rather bad-mouthed the original International Cricket Captain. We were right. We weren't right about International Cricket Captain 2006 though. It turns out it wasn't just a database update. We played it and it's still believable in 2019. Batsmen can still score runs and Gavin Hamilton was never at any point the best bowler in the world.

The graphics were still garbage though, which is where Cricket Captain 3 comes in. It looks much nicer and appears to include Hawkeye, the tracking thing that shows the path of each delivery.

The game looks to be much the same, but if Hawkeye's included, it must be for a reason. Maybe you can examine each player's ability to swing the ball. That adds another dimension.

Get the free demo here for nowt.

Get the full game here for more than nowt.

More cricket games

A match report from ages ago with no picture

2007-07-26T10:18:00.000+01:00

We were away when this was sent. It doesn't matter though. All of the match reports thus far have been timeless - this one included.

This is from Liz who has conspicuously omitted a Graham Onions joke towards the end.

Surrey v Durham, The Oval, Sunday 8th July

I am unable to comment on the play as I got there two hours late, left two hours early, and spent much of the interim reading the paper. I can report on the food though.

Poorly planned picnics at the Oval are limited in what foodstuffs can be included. We had imagined maybe some baguettes with grapes and stilton - ooh, maybe dolcelatte. We forgot of course that these levels of groceries are unavailable in the immediate environs of the Oval. You'd probably have to go to Kennington Tesco for that kind of thing.

The nearest 'Food and Wine' to the tube yielded vacuum-packed chorizo and jarlsberg though, slightly stale bread, some greasy kabano and spicy plantain chips, washed down with cans of John Smiths. Ideal.

Lots of small boys were getting the players to autograph their tiny souvenir cricket bats. One of our co-spectators wished she had brought some parmesan for Steve Harmison to sign - 'What a caesar salad that would be - Harmison Parmesan'. Phil Mustard probably gets fed up of people asking him to sign their Colemans.

14.26 points for Rob Key in the Pro40

2007-07-25T11:42:00.000+01:00

That puts him eighth! That's in the top ten! Being in the top ten is the best anyone can do, so Rob's the best.

For those of you who are ignorant of the totally straightforward and utterly transparent rankings system that leads to the Most Valuable Player award, here's the low-down.

In the Pro40 league, Rob has accrued 11.86 points for batting. This comes about exactly as you'd imagine. He has no points for bowling because he's too cool to exert himself in any great way. He also has 0.8 points for fielding.

11.86 points and 0.8 points lead to a total of 14.26 obviously, because cricket statistics are WAY MORE COMPLICATED than traditional mathematics.

Of course any fool can see that Rob's the best simply by looking at him. However, empirical evidence is always welcome. It will aid us when convincing the blind.

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Chris Schofield in provisional Twenty20 World Cup squad

2007-07-25T08:20:00.000+01:00

When we're here, we have to make the best out of 'three wickets for Lee Daggett'-type non-news. We go away for two weeks and records are being broken left, right and centre.

We'll have to ignore all of that because reporting old news would sully our immaculate reputation. So, er, here's some ongoing news... Chris Schofield's in England's 30-man Twenty20 World Cup squad.

This is an unbelievable turnaround for Schofield who, until recently, sent the ball down like a bowling machine set to 'long-hop' while resembling the kind of person who acts as a beacon warning you from entering certain public houses (see right).

While his County Championship form's been atrocious, in Twenty20 he's taken more wickets than anyone at an average of just 8.82. No one knows what a good Twenty20 average is, but only ten players have taken 10 wickets or more this season and of those Schofield's average is the best. He can field too.

What do you make of it?

Chris Tremlett returns to international cricket

2007-07-24T14:57:00.000+01:00

Chris Tremlett's back. Great. We rate Chris Tremlett.

Being freakishly tall doesn't make you a good seam bowler. However, being freakishly tall is an asset and it's one that can't be acquired through practice. We're not even sure what you'd do to practice. Stilts maybe.

We've a reservation though - and it's not at an all-you-can-eat jalapeno jerky restaurant. It's to do with the number of young pace bowlers lining up to play for England. Everyone's agreed that it's good to have options and 'backup', but we're worried things might start getting confused.

We've got James Anderson and Chris Tremlett from the last Test; there's Stuart Broad champing at the bit (and it is 'champing' by the way, not 'chomping'); and Liam Plunkett's been quietly reassured that he's gifted while simultaneously being dropped. There's a chance that they might deny each other international experience. There's only so much international experience to go round, after all.

It's all well and good identifying players for the future, but at some point you have to be specific and identify which player exactly is the best of the bunch.

Canada's ace by the way

2007-07-23T18:10:00.000+01:00

Some of you live in Canada and are therefore aware of this fact. The rest of you: Seriously, it's really good.

It's big and roomy, they've got loads of good beer now and there are even parts that are hot and sunny. They don't tell you about those bits.

Canadians are great too. For some reason they're not all surly and stupid like normal people are. They'll delight in accurately guessing where you're from as well - based on the Australian accent that you've apparently developed of late.

The only downside as far as we can see, is that there's no cricket. We know that you can get all sorts of stuff on the internet, but that's not enough. You, like us, need to live in a proper cricket culture. So we've got a solution.

We'll all move to Canada and set up our own community.

Wait. Don't run away. Think about it at least. There's bags of room in Canada. We can probably even find a warm bit with no-one in. We'll buy up the whole valley and create a new town. A glorious place where the sun beats down on white-clad autistic-types who deal in a strange currency of runs and wickets.

Now: Can anyone do anything - anything at all - remotely useful. It's just that obviously we can't and we kind of need someone to build all the houses and find a place to keep the electricity and work out how to make water and stuff like that.

We return with important lessons learnt

2007-07-23T17:11:00.000+01:00

Never entrust the running of your site to one of your more deviant readers as it enables them to moderate their own comments.

Those sorts of swimming costumes are MANDATORY in certain parts of France. We will say no more on the matter.

Lou Vincent successfully defends both of his stumps

2007-07-23T16:37:00.000+01:00

In 2005, plagued by an inability to know where his off stumps was, Lou Vincent did the logical thing and made a series of appearances in the World Two Stump Cricket League in which the off stump does not feature.

Vincent was a roaring success and buoyed by his newfound form, returned to three stump cricket a much-improved batsman.

Graham Gooch however, confronted his weakness head-on, taking up French Cricket after being on the receiving end of one too many Terry Alderman lbws.

A really quite staggeringly offensive picture of Andy Bichel

2007-07-20T16:32:00.000+01:00

The title says it all really.

And to think we spoke to the man.

West Indians 'disappointed' in England's on-field behaviour

2007-07-19T16:19:00.000+01:00

Tino Best pointedly ignores Steve Harmison and Nasser Hussain as the pair indulge in their favourite pastime of "jumping".

The whole West Indian team lodged a formal complaint about England's on-field behaviour during the 2004 series in the Caribbean. The West Indians felt that some of England's joyous shenanigans were tantamount to time-wasting.

"Jumping" came in for particularly heavy criticism.

Michael Vaughan sent to bed without any tea

2007-07-18T14:15:00.000+01:00

Here we see a snapshot of that infamous day when Michael Vaughan and Ashley Giles played cricket down the drive using Michael's dad's Jaguar as a set of stumps.

Michael's dad brought the case to the ICC who ruled that Michael Vaughan had 'acted contrary to the spirit of the game'.

Michael's mum was also moved to tell Ashley's mum, because the pair had foolishly been playing 'in their best clothes'.

Sachin Tendulkar square cuts Nasser Hussain to the boundary

2007-07-17T14:06:00.000+01:00

Literally.

This was the famous 1996 Edgbaston Test when the ball was pocketed by a member of the crowd. Nasser Hussain gamely offered to act as a replacement.

Unfortunately for Hussain, Alan Mullally was unable to make him swing. Sachin Tendulkar consequently doled out punishment. Here we see him deliberately smashing Hussain over backward point.

Allegations that Ronnie Irani lifted Hussain's seam during this innings were unproven.

The greatest shot ever played

2007-07-16T08:33:00.000+01:00

Picture the scene: Several of us are playing cricket down the driveway of a semi-detached house. The stumps are on the garage door. From the batsman's point of view, the wall of the house runs along the on-side. Behind the bowler's arm, on the opposite side of the road, is a large tree. Behind that is another house.

J was batting...

The ball was quick and full. It spat off the irregular concrete, but J's eye was good. He launched a lofted straight drive.

Having travelled the length of the on-side building, the ball swerved as it crossed the road, passing the tree to the left from the batsman's point of view.

Now here's the really remarkable part. Having swerved one way to avoid the tree, it then swerved back again, behind the tree. The ball had now reached its zenith and began its descent.

Having wowed us with its bizarre powers of swing, the ball now revealed the level of its precision. It continued its journey through the open upstairs window of the house across the road.

There was a brief pause as we all drank in the magnitude of the achievement - a heartbeat perhaps - before the most alert of our number gathered his wits and cried 'scat!'.

And scat we did. For the devil in a red cardigan inhabited that house.

ICC to investigate shocking three-way tie

2007-07-13T14:19:00.000+01:00

The world of international cricket was thrown into disarray today after the ICC's corruption unit announced it was investigating the astounding three-way tie that came about during a game of scissors, paper, stone between England players.

The players in question were James Anderson, Ashley Giles and Darren Gough, who each opted for 'stone'.

The ECB responded to the allegations saying that while there was only a one in 27 chance of this specific outcome, there were also two other outcomes - namely 'all scissors' and 'all paper' - that would equally have aroused suspicion.

The ECB therefore considers this to be within the bounds of expectation for a sporting event such as this and does not consider that anything untoward has occurred.

Shoaib Akhtar uncovers VVS Laxman's deception

2007-07-12T16:45:00.000+01:00

The third Test between Pakistan and India in 2004 was dogged by controversy. VVS Laxman had led a seemingly charmed life during his innings of 71 when ball after ball from Shoaib Akhtar beat him for pace, without ever once striking the stumps.

This picture depicts the moment when Shoaib Akhtar extended his follow-through, giving him a glimpse of VVS Laxman's stumps for the first time.

Laxman had been defending only two stumps without bails the entire time having pocketed the middle one on his arrival at the crease.

Shoaib Akhtar's rage is clear for all to see. He points at Laxman, correctly indicating that he suspects the batsman has done this himself.

Faisal Iqbal dematerialises at Headingley in 2006

2007-07-11T14:30:00.000+01:00

During the 2006 Headingley Test between England and Pakistan, Faisal Iqbal momentarily dematerialised.

Here we see Mohammad Yousuf checking inside Faisal Iqbal's helmet to see whether maybe he'd just shrunk or something.

Alas, no. Faisal Iqbal had not merely shrunk. He had completely vanished.

Fortunately, he rematerialised moments later, but was promptly given out lbw to Paul Collingwood for a golden duck.

Younis Khan perfects 'bullet time'

2007-07-10T14:19:00.000+01:00

Here we see Younis Khan demonstrating his ability to use 'bullet time'. Younis makes everything move really slowly except himself. This gives him ample time to react to whatever's bowled.

In order to combat this, Steve Harmison has taken to bowling from only one yard away from the batsman, but still Younis is untroubled.

He hovers, watching the ball closely, before spanking the ball back past the bowler for four using a peculiar stroke akin to the action of chopping wood with an axe.

It's also a no-ball.

Don Bradman v Garry Sobers - the greatest cricketer ever

2007-07-09T13:28:00.000+01:00

It's Garry Sobers. And here's why:

In a fictional Test match of unlimited overs, 11 Don Bradmans face 11 Garry Sobers... Soberses... Whatever. Captain Bradman wins the toss and elects to bat.

So we have a batting line-up of 11 Don Bradmans. Each has a Test batting record of 6,996 runs at the unparallelled average of 99.94 featuring 29 centuries. Faced with the task of dismissing this nightmarish batting side are 11 Garry Sobers, each with a Test bowling record of 235 wickets at 34.03.

Sobers goes at the Bradmans with seam bowling as the pitch is a little green. After a matter of days, the Bradmans are all out for 1,200. Now it's Sobers' turn to bat.

Each of the batting Garry Sobers has a Test record of 8,032 runs at a whopping 57.78. Unfortunately for the Bradmans, they are, at best, mediocre bowlers. Their Test bowling record features just two wickets and an average of 36. The Bradmans aren't bowlers.

Untroubled by any of the Bradmans' ineffectual pies, the Garry Sobers XI eventually declare their innings closed at 2,000-6.

For the Bradmans' second innings, Sobers starts by bowling seam-up, but soon switches to slow finger spin at which he is equally adept. After a while, he mixes it up and bowls wrist-spin at one end and finger spin at the other end. This is all backed up by some ferocious fielding. On a wearing pitch the Bradmans are all out for 800, leaving the scores tied. Sobers then hits a single to emerge victorious by ten wickets.

A streaker's arse

2007-07-06T12:04:00.000+01:00

Are we really the kind of website that would publish a picture of a streaker?

It would appear so.

It cost him a £1,000 fine for this, so we're just trying to give him his money's worth.

We didn't take this picture, by the way. We just published it on the internet.

Where are we going?

2007-07-05T16:32:00.000+01:00

We're going away for a couple of weeks, but don't worry, as usual we've got someone publishing stuff we've written in advance. As we look over what's to come over the fortnight, it occurs to us that maybe the site's going to be better than when we're here.

We'll still check in when we can and put up a couple of news-related updates. We'd hate to abandon you all - even when we're on holiday.

A player from the country we're visiting held the record for the fastest-ever World Cup hundred until this year. It took him 72 balls. Weirdly, this same nation had recorded the lowest ever total in one-day internationals just four days prior to that feat.

Mohammad Ashraful conquers Murali again

2007-07-05T14:30:00.001+01:00

"Sri Lanka crush brave Bangladesh" is the BBC's faintly patronising, but perhaps justified headline.

Bangladesh got thrashed. Again by an innings. This time they put up a bit more resistance however. Mushfiqur Rahim hit 80 and Mohammad Ashraful hit a wonderful 129 not out.

This isn't the first time that Mohammad Ashraful's scored runs against Sri Lanka. Nor is it the second time. Ashraful now averages 43.2 against Sri Lanka with three hundreds and a fifty.

To use Mohammad Ashraful as an exhibit in our defence of Bangladesh for a moment, he's 23 next week and this was his fourth Test hundred. Guess how many Test hundreds Steve Waugh, Mark Waugh, Matthew Hayden, Adam Gilchrist and Mike Hussey had scored between them by the time they were 23.

None. This is slightly contrived because a couple of those players didn't make their debuts until after they were 23, but this doesn't dilute our point. There's a long, long way to go in the career of Mohammad Ashraful and he's by no means the youngster in this Bangladeshi team. He's actually one of the old-timers.

Give 'em a bit yet.

Cricket Life 2007 released (maybe)

2007-07-05T12:20:00.000+01:00

Cricket Life 2007 is due to be released on Saturday, although being as we haven't received a press release or a review copy and being as Cricket Life's official website's down, perhaps it's been put back again.

In the event that it hasn't been put back, here's some stuff:

Our Cricket Life 2007 preview
Some of Cricket Life's features
A few more of Cricket Life's features
The reason why Gamebience, the manufacturers of Cricket Life won't ever again be welcome in the North-West of England

How to get Shivnarine Chanderpaul out

2007-07-05T10:20:00.000+01:00

That's a joke, because of course it can't be done.

His latest masterpiece resulted in a West Indian win however. 116 not out leading West Indies to a winning total of 278 in the second one-day international. England managed just 217 in reply.

England may have won the vast majority of the matches during the West Indies' visit and the West Indies themselves may have occasionally plumbed some previously unseen depths, but if there's one image that sums up the past few weeks, it's the one below.

Shiv, you're the most wince-inducingly-horrendous-looking, undismissable, adamantium-willed KING we've ever seen.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul has taken permanent residence at the crease. He might as well get his sodding fanmail delivered there.

Kumar Sangakkara hits fifth Test double hundred

2007-07-04T15:03:00.000+01:00

No mean feat. Kumar Sangakkara's up to equal sixth in the list of who's scored the most Test double hundreds. Here's the list. With a pretty blue background.

Don Bradman - 12
Brian Lara - 9
Wally Hammond - 7
Marvan Attapattu - 6
Javed Miandad - 7
Rahul Dravid - 5
Kumar Sangakkara - 5

You know you've all been missing the blue box.

Kumar Sangakkara's 200 not out against Bangladesh today means he has five double hundreds out of 13 hundreds. That's some ratio.

How to stop batsmen from stealing a quick single

2007-07-04T10:26:00.000+01:00

Or you can bring the field in a bit.

Allan Donald stays on with England

2007-07-03T15:30:00.000+01:00

Anyone else delighted about this? Allan Donald's staying on as England's bowling coach.

Donald's a man who knows how to take the odd Test wicket having achieved the feat 330 times. We don't believe that a successful playing career necessarily adds up to a coaching qualification in itself, but if someone's been as successful as Allan Donald has, you can bet that they've put at least a little bit of thought into their endeavours.

All we've got to go off is that at the start of the Test series against the West Indies - when Donald first joined up with England's bowlers - both Steve Harmison and Liam Plunkett were experiencing a rather public meltdown.

At the end of the Test series, Harmison, having steadily improved, delivered his best spell of bowling in perhaps years. Plunkett was summarily removed from Test cricket for humane reasons, but bowled with much greater discipline in the first one-day international.

It's hard to quantify, but Donald at least appears to be having an impact and England's bowlers seem to like, respect and trust him.

Besides, as far as the ECB are concerned; to lose one bowling coach may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose another looks like carelessness.

Too much cricket

2007-07-03T11:57:00.000+01:00

Hold on tight, kids. This update's about tour itineraries.

England will be playing three - count 'em - THREE back to back Tests in New Zealand next year. This is stupid and makes all the England and Wales Cricket Board's protestations about how they're going to reduce the number of England matches sound very hollow.

We like cricket. We write about it every day. However, you can have too much. We've written before about how a Test match used to be 'an event'. We'll not go over that again, but perhaps there should be an extra word about back-to-back Tests.

Back to back Tests

2007-07-03T11:27:00.000+01:00

We hate back-to-back Tests. You've no time to take in the first match before the second has started. Marginal supporters know that there'll be another match before long and don't pay as much attention.

To us, a Test is the most important thing in sport. The idea that people think they're ten-a-penny makes us do our angry face. We're doing it now. Three Tests in a row smacks of getting them out of the way. Tests aren't to be zipped through. They're to be cherished and pored over.

What standard will the cricket be anyway. Test match cricket's the ultimate test of skill, is it not? Isn't that where the name comes from?

Imagine that in the first of the three back-to-back Tests between England and New Zealand next year, the pitch is as flat as a pancake (because they usually are these days). England bat for two days or so and rack up 600 plus. England's bowlers now set about trying to dismiss New Zealand. They dismiss New Zealand once and enforce the follow-on. New Zealand bat again and England win late on the fifth day, or maybe it's a draw.

After a couple of days off, the second Test starts. New Zealand win the toss and elect to bat. Steve Harmison takes the new ball. He's knackered before he starts, the pitch is flat again and he knows he's got a long stint ahead of him. Is he going to charge in and bowl the ball at 90mph?

Is he bollocks. He's going to pace himself. Voila, Test cricket's of a lower standard.

Shakib al Hasan dropped

2007-07-03T09:06:00.000+01:00

The eagle-eyed among you will notice that we're spelling our guy's name differently. That's because it changed on Cricinfo and we consider Cricinfo to be as close to a cricketing names dictionary as there is.

On the other hand, dictionaries don't tend to change their mind about spellings every once in a while. Consistency of spelling is something of a hallmark of the dictionary. Maybe we should look elsewhere.

However you spell it, Shakib al Hasan has been dropped from the Bangladesh team. As Miriam pointed out in her match report, he top-scored in the first Test against Sri Lanka, albeit with a less-than-modest 16.

Well how Bangladesh will be pining for his double-figure-scoring ability now. They've just been bowled out for 62 - a score that begs to be classed as paltry, but is actually slightly too low for that label.

Lasith Malinga took 4-25 and His Geniusness, Lord Muttiahford of Muralitharanshire took 4-14.

Yuvraj Singh's coming into form again

2007-07-02T10:50:00.000+01:00

One of our many rash pronouncements was that Yuvraj Singh was the best one-day international batsman in the world. To be fair, at the time, he was. It was just that immediately after we'd written that article he continuously and resolutely wasn't.

Well he's flickering into life again just in time for the tour of England. He's rediscovered that happy knack of being not out at the end of Indian one-day victories.

Yesterday he hit an unbeaten 61 as India chased down 152 in a reduced 31 over match against South Africa and on Friday he saw them home with 49 not out against the same opponents - this time chasing 227 off the full 50 overs.

If Yuvraj Singh does become the best one-day batsman in the world, hopefully some of his best-in-the-worldness will rub off on us and we'll discover our first skill. It's rubbish not having a skill.

Hamish Marshall gives us an excuse

2007-07-02T09:28:00.000+01:00

Hamish Marshall hit a 55 ball hundred in Gloucestershire's Twenty20 match against Worcestershire. This gives us a flimsy pretext for publishing this picture.

Hair that size should be mandatory.

Paul Collingwood's captaincy comes on in leaps and bounds

2007-06-30T11:20:00.000+01:00

The day before yesterday:

Aeroplane impressions. This is not good captaincy and England lose.

Yesterday:

Proper finger captaincy. That's how you captain a side - it's all in the fingers. England win.

Thandi Tshbalala - a South African spinner (no, really)

2007-06-29T13:25:00.001+01:00

South Africa are playing a spinner. The lines of communication must have been severed inside Castle South Africa (which is where the South African cricket team is controlled from) because South Africa never EVER pick a spinner.

Today, against India, they have. And he's got a cool name. He's called [copy, paste] Thandi Tshbalala and he's an off-spinner.

'What about Nicky Boje?', you ask. 'He was a spinner'.

No, he wasn't.

'Yes he was. Look at this page from Cricinfo.'

No... He wasn't...

'Okay. What about Paul Adams then?'

Was he? Was he really? We wouldn't like to venture what he was.

Even Kevin Pietersen was considered a spinner back when he was South African. Look. He even batted at nine like spinners are supposed to.

Picture from Cricinfo

Paul Collingwood - a captain who can bat?

2007-06-29T10:24:00.000+01:00

Batting average before the captaincy versus batting average while captain. It's every English cricket writer's favourite statistic. See: Mike Atherton, Alec Stewart, Nasser Hussain, Michael Vaughan, Andrew Flintoff and just about anyone else who's ever tossed a coin for this great nation.

"Oh no, please, this cumbersome captaincy has rendered me overladen", they all cry. "Deciding whether to post a second gully yesterday has led me to spoon my third ball to mid-off again. Oh for those carefree days when I could just hum Eric Clapton tunes while standing at third slip."

Hopefully Paul Collingwood's thumping 80 off 41 balls in the Twenty20 last night is a sign that he'll be different.

An appeal for no genitals

2007-06-28T09:56:00.000+01:00

The little-known mode of dismissal 'no genitals' occurs when a member of the fielding side takes the field without their reproductive organs.

Shane Warne, having just bowled a delivery to Andrew Strauss, notices that Matthew Hayden has no genitals and consequently appeals. The other fielders join in, Hayden indicating that he is the subject of the appeal by thrusting his groin towards the umpire.

'No genitals' had been a rarely used mode of dismissal up until the 2005 Ashes series when it had to be withdrawn as the Australians came to rely on it as almost their sole means of dismissing opposing batsmen.

A certain amount of credit/guilt for this update should go to former Goodie, Tim Brooke-Taylor who described an appeal for LWB (large white baggies) in his book 'Tim Brooke-Taylor's Cricket Box'.

Luke Wright hits a Twenty20 hundred

2007-06-27T13:25:00.001+01:00

About this time yesterday, Luke Wright of Sussex's Twenty20 batting average was seven and a half from 12 innings.

It was therefore something of a step up to come in at number three against Kent last night and thrash 103 off just 45 balls - but that's exactly what Luke Wright did.

Rob Key had earlier hit 62 off 46 balls, which is one ball longer and therefore better.

Worcestershire's ground, New Road, flooded after Severn bursts its banks

2007-06-27T09:09:00.001+01:00

You could have as many mackintoshed men with pitchforks as you like, but it'll take a touch more to clear this.

Dragging the rope across the outfield's not going to do a lot either.

Surrey v Middlesex Twenty20 match report

2007-06-26T11:20:00.000+01:00

The Scientician - he of Jaffa Cake fame - sent us a match report of the Twenty20 match between Surrey and Middlesex on Friday.

Here it is:

It was dark. It rained. The cricket didn't stop.

There were two Scooby Doos sat next to each other.

I'd like to think that either:

(a) Each didn't know that the other would be wearing a Scooby Doo costume, much like the plot of an American teen drama - how embarrassing, turing up to the prom/party/cricket in the same dress/top/Scooby Doo costume in order to impress Todd/Jason/Rampers.

Or (b) They, like most other people in the crowd, had come straight from work, but at their work they have to dress as Scooby Doo.

The queue for the bar was very long, but a man talked to us about the Middlewich Folk and Boat, so it was okay.

Beer prices were okay, considering this was London. Rubbish beer though: Marston's Smooth and Foster's.

There were lots of chinless wonders too.

The Jaffa Cake was my friend's idea. She thought it was hilarious. I'm yet to be convinced. I didn't bring the glove especially, I just happened to have it in my back pocket...

After we went to the pub and got really drunk. I got lost on the way home.

Sri Lanka v Bangladesh - day one match report

2007-06-25T17:36:00.000+01:00

Miriam put this in the comments of the previous post. We're nothing if not lazy, so we're republishing the report in its entirety as a post in its own right. Thanks Miriam:

I watched this day of play on telly. Here is my match report (I know match reports are meant to be from live attendance, but it was a bit far to go given that I'm meant to be back at work tomorrow):

1) Michael Vandort has dyed his hair a reddish colour. As the day went on, the colour started to run onto his shirt collar. That shirt is now ruined - there's no way that's coming out in the wash.

2) There were lots of big crows / rooks / whatever they are called, on the field, being noisy, and being really quite indifferent to the cricket.

3) At one point the ball ended up lodged against Vandort's, erm, box.

4) Russell Arnold was commentating. He was quite good, I thought.

5) Jayawardene complained about Shahadat Hossain's grunt when he bowls.

6) Shakib Al Hasan top-scored for Bangladesh, but it was a very qualified success as his score was 16, out of a total of 89.

Five wickets for Murali

2007-06-25T14:11:00.000+01:00

It's like someone's hacked out a big lump of our brain. We're thinking about what we're about to write and we're trying to come up with a title but nothing's happening.

We've forgotten how to use our mind. We just don't know how to get it moving. It doesn't come with any instructions or anything, so there's nothing to fall back on. Thinking's supposed to just happen, but what do you do when it doesn't just happen?

We also appear to be suffering from a touch of tunnel vision. If anyone thinks these symptoms add up to something serious can they let us know. We'd like to get comfy in time for rigor mortis to set in.

Now we've forgotten what we were going to write. Something about how Muralitharan's bowling figures against Bangladesh today (5-15) were the kind of figures you could be proud of.

It was something along the lines of: If they were your bowling figures, you could actually tell other people about them, unlike everything else you've ever done, which has been pathetically feeble and embarrassing.

Then we were going to say something about taking the bowling figures out for dinner, but that's when we started getting confused. Then our eyelids went all heavy.

Now we're really lost. This was actually even more confusing to write than it was to experience. Reading it through to check we'd written what we thought we had was more confusing still and re-reading this current sentence is probably going to break us.

Maybe we'll just click publish and hope that everything's okay. Hoping that everything's going to be okay worked for about an hour at some point in 2002 so we're sticking with it.

Jonathan Trott of Warwickshire gets very little written about him at King Cricket

2007-06-24T14:57:00.000+01:00

It's been a couple of days since Jonathan Trott was named in England's one-day squad. We did a little thing about the other new boy, Dimitri Mascarenhas, but nothing's come to us about Jonathan Trott.

It's ironic because of the two of them we'd rather write about Jonathan Trott, because you don't have to really concentrate when you write his name. His first name ends '-an' not '-on'. That's all you have to remember.

Anyone got anything to proffer? Anything interesting that is - don't just go to Cricinfo and quote his average or something. We can do that. It's 41.48 in one-day cricket.

If you're Jonathan Trott and you know some facts about yourself make a bit of an effort. Just because you've been picked for England, you think you can just sit around on your arse all day. Well you can't. Pull your finger out and tell us what your favourite cheese is or something.

Dimitri Mascarenhas of Hampshire finally gets an England call-up

2007-06-22T12:58:00.000+01:00

We're not someone who claims to have a history of being right about stuff. Not unless consistently pronouncing the letter H correctly adds up to as much. But either way, we think the selection of Dimitri Mascarenhas for the England one-day squad is a masterstroke.

Dimitri Mascarenhas has been one of the very finest one-day players in county cricket for bloody years now. His one-day bowling record stands up to anybody's. His average is 24 and he concedes runs at about four an over - which is good these days (Ian 'Fatty' Austin would have wept into his meat and potato pie if he'd conceded that many).

Dimitri Mascarenhas is 29. You might think that's a bit old for a bowler if you're building towards the next World Cup, but that's the best part. Dimitri Mascarenhas is a bowler who attracts terms like 'canny' and 'wily'. We dare say he varies his pace, but his range starts at 70mph and descends from there. Loss of pace isn't really going to be an issue. Loss of pace isn't really possible.

In addition to this, he's a handy middle to lower order batsman - something that England have been crying out for - and he's a razor sharp fielder.

England's one-day squad for the 2007 series v West Indies

2007-06-22T12:10:00.001+01:00

It's exciting stuff. It's the first series since the World Cup, so there's the time-honoured cull, in addition to which there's a new coach and captain. It all adds up to some fairly major changes.

1. Paul Collingwood (Durham) (Captain)
2. James Anderson (Lancashire)
3. Ian Bell (Warwickshire)
4. Stuart Broad (Leicestershire)
5. Alastair Cook (Essex)
6. Dimitri Mascarenhas (Hampshire)
7. Monty Panesar (Northamptonshire)
8. Kevin Pietersen (Hampshire)
9. Liam Plunkett (Durham)
10. Matt Prior (Sussex)
11. Owais Shah (Middlesex)
12. Ryan Sidebottom (Nottinghamshire)
13. Jonathan Trott (Warwickshire)
14. Michael Yardy (Sussex)

We'll write something about a couple of the new guys later on.

One thing that strikes us is that Alastair Cook's the only specialist opener. Most people will presume that Matt Prior will be his partner. Prior's previously said that he doesn't really like opening and last time, when England were in India, he was crap at it - which may go some way to explaining his thoughts on the matter.

Ian Bell and Alastair Cook would be too World Cup 2007 surely, so maybe Owais Shah or Jonathon Trott are being considered. Both are pretty aggressive batsmen.

Confusing phrases we've coined today:

'World Cup 2007' as a way of highlighting occasions where there are two slow-scoring opening batsmen.

Twenty20 - a hit not a giggle

2007-06-22T09:15:00.001+01:00

Twenty20 cricket has been a massive success since its inception, but is still quite widely regarded as populist fluff. 'Hit and giggle' is the dismissive term of choice for the thoughtless. But with the grounds full and large amounts of TV coverage, it's deadly serious stuff for the players.

It tends to be characterised as a slogathon, but that's massively unfair. Matches aren't generally won in the fours and sixes columns, but through sneaky singles and clever twos.

If you're in the middle, the puzzle's the same as it is in Test cricket. The batsman's trying to hit runs, the bowler's trying to stop him and take his wicket. Perhaps the batsman's more keen to strike out, but that's just the context of the game.

Don't grumble about bowlers taking cheap wickets or batsman hitting quick 20s. You're making the mistake of evaluating the game in terms of the longer format. It's a different context. You need to compare like with like.

Because the matches are only 20 overs a side, runs are at more of a premium. So a misplaced fielder or an expertly angled leg-glance could prove the difference between victory and defeat. Every ball counts. Twenty20 never coasts.

The best players in the world - in any form of the game - are the ones who can adapt to the match situation and the playing conditions and find a way of either scoring runs or taking wickets. That's what will win the Twenty20 Cup.

Go and see a game. Beneath the razzmatazz is a format of great merit.

More Twenty20 stuff via Harrow Drive

Kevin Pietersen declares himself unavailable for the England one-day captaincy

2007-06-21T12:47:00.000+01:00

We'd like to go on record, throwing our full support behind our number one man, Paul Collingwood.

We always said he was the best man for the England one-day captaincy.

KP for captain

2007-06-21T09:20:00.000+01:00

As a long term admirer of Paul Collingwood's, we immediately thought he was the best man to take over the one-day captaincy from Michael Vaughan. Having actually thought about it a bit, we've changed our mind.

It's because of the way that Kevin Pietersen plays the game. We don't mean aggressively or flamboyantly, although those could be positives. We mean how he's a proactive batsman rather than a reactive one.

Rather than adapt his game to the field set by the opposing captain, Kevin Pietersen sets out to change that field through his actions. He plays some odd shots, but they're usually played for a reason. You'll notice that if the field permits, KP plays orthodox strokes.

This all shows that he thinks about the game and that he wants to influence proceedings. That's a captain's role.

He's very clear-headed, he'll be 30 at the time of the next World Cup and what many people overlook is that he's massively, massively professional.

Our only real reservations are how this will work with Michael Vaughan and how the players might react to him. The second point could be a plus though. Despite his self-conscious 'team' behaviour, Pietersen's always been slightly adrift. You can't be 'one of the lads' and captain, so maybe this will solve that particular conundrum.

If Paul Collingwood gets the job, it's no bad thing either. England are fortunate.

Liam Plunkett holds his nerve

2007-06-20T15:48:00.000+01:00

A cracking match at the Riverside. The Friends Provident Trophy semi final between Durham and Essex was proof that you don't need a glut of sixes and fours for excitement in the one-day game.

After Essex were bowled out for just 71 this was a low-scoring classic, with a single worth half a dozen fours in any other context. In the end it came down to a test of nerve. Fortunately for Durham and most promisingly for England, Liam Plunkett held his.

Of 19 batsmen who appeared at the crease, four got into double figures, two passed 20 and only one, Liam Plunkett, reached 30. This in addition to taking 4-15 with the ball.

Both teams fell to 38-7 and it was at this point that Plunkett came in for Durham. That was the difference. Plunkett scored at a run a ball while Ottis Gibson's five off 27 balls in support was the third-longest of the match.

We're delighted. There's no way that Liam Plunkett isn't going to play a part for England in the future and this was a fantastically gutsy effort that shows he's undaunted by pressure. Perhaps Plunkett will be a player who 'puts his hand up' when he's really needed.

We're putting our hand up now. It's no use to anyone - least of all ourself as our typing speed has diminished considerably.

Dwayne Bravo should aim higher

2007-06-20T08:55:00.000+01:00

By the standards of this West Indies side, Dwayne Bravo has had a decent series, but those standards aren't good enough.

Five times in seven innings he's been out between 40 and 60. At least one of those should have been a hundred. The stage was set yesterday when West Indies were trying to save the game and he was batting alongside Shivnarine Chanderpaul - a man who likes getting out as much as he likes being kicked in the balls.

For some reason, Dwayne Bravo started playing a load of shots after lunch England hadn't felt like they could remove either batsman before the break, but now they were given hope. That hope was justified and once Bravo had departed, the procession began. Bravo was as culpable as anyone for the West Indies' defeat. He was actually in a position to prevent it.

If someone else other than Shiv starts taking some responsibility, perhaps some of the other players might follow suit. Dwayne Bravo seems the most likely to lead the way.

Despite never quite making the most of his chances, Dwayne Bravo will have learnt a lot on this tour. He's only 23 and this was his second Test tour to this country. On this occasion he spent a long time batting with Chanderpaul throughout the series and we dare say he'll learn more from that than any coaching or theoretical exercise.

We're presuming that Shiv actually shares information at the crease. If he does, then Bravo will have benefited hugely. Shiv knows what the bowling side are trying to achieve at any one time and he knows how to foil them.

Shiv hasn't really had the opportunity to pass on any knowledge to the likes of Runako Morton who didn't stay at the crease long enough to acknowledge a 'hello'. If Chanderpaul retires without helping at least one player, then the West Indian batsmen will be totally cut off from a line of communication that supports every Test side.

England v West Indies, fourth Test, day five at Chester-le-Street
West Indies 287 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 136 not out, Ryan Sidebottom 5-88)
England 400 (Paul Collingwood 128, Andrew Strauss 77, Matt Prior 62, Fidel Edwards 5-112)
West Indies 222 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 70, Chris Gayle 52, Monty Panesar 5-46, Matthew Hoggard 3-28)
England 111-3

England win the series 3-0

Michael Vaughan can't be arsed captaining the one-day side or summat like that

2007-06-18T23:18:00.000+01:00

Michael Vaughan has resigned England's one-day captaincy. It would seem that there's a fair chance he won't appear in the team at all.

That would be quite sad, because it would mean that he had failed in one-day cricket and the vast majority of England supporters don't want that. They want Michael Vaughan to be a success in one-day cricket, as he is in Test cricket.

Many people, us included, still kind of think that Michael Vaughan could be a one-day success, but the evidence has been stacking up solely on one side for years now. It's just wishful thinking to believe otherwise and wishful thinking has no place in sport at this level.

Trust us. Wishful thinking's never got us an England call-up. Maybe the selectors will be swayed by the dynamite case we presented in our previous update.

Wishes that we're still waiting on:
Being picked for England
Finding a fiver
Never having to speak to anyone on the phone ever again
Magic poncho
Thinking about something other than death during the winter months

Paul Collingwood hits a hundred at home

2007-06-18T18:59:00.000+01:00

It was Paul Collingwood's first Test on his home ground of Chester-le-Street and he hit a hundred - which is only right. We all hit hundreds at home.

Of course Paul Collingwood had to deal with other people when he made his hundred at home. He wasn't either of the umpires, other people bowled at him, they actually tried to get him out and even more terrifyingly, there were multiple ways of getting out - not just by breaking the greenhouse, which was the ONLY way of getting out when we played at home.

All-in-all Paul Collingwood's 128 was perhaps superior to our own 507 not out from back in 1987. On that occasion we had cleverly used a sponge ball in order to combat the only potential method of dismissal.

That gargantuan innings was only cut short when, following a rain break, the sponge ball started spattering us with dirty rain water when we tried to hit it for six. Its super-absorbency had also rendered it heavy enough to threaten the greenhouse, so we felt threatened enough to declare.

England v West Indies, fourth Test, day four at Chester-le-Street
West Indies 287 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 136 not out, Ryan Sidebottom 5-88)
England 400 (Paul Collingwood 128, Andrew Strauss 77, Matt Prior 62, Fidel Edwards 5-112)
West Indies 83-3 (Chris Gayle 52 not out)

Mark Davies wows in an understated way

2007-06-18T11:05:00.000+01:00

Steve Harmison's still busy with England, but with Liam Plunkett having been banished to county cricket, Durham have got quite a seam attack.

There's Plunkett himself who'll be watched with interest. There's also Graham Onions, the cricketing cognoscenti's young pace bowler of choice for this season. He's the man whose name crops up whenever anyone's asked 'what other young bowler is doing well in county cricket at the moment?'

The third member of Durham's pace bowling unit is never mentioned in this way. It's Mark Davies and he's currently outbowling both Plunkett and Onions. As usual.

In Durham's current county championship match, Mark Davies took 2-32 in Hampshire's first innings. This is classic Mark Davies. Not many wickets, but very few runs. In the second innings he took 4-48. A better wicket haul, but crucially one wicket short of being newsworthy.

Against Lancashire last week, Davies took 4-62 and 3-34. You can see how cheaply he gets his wickets, can't you? Graham Onions went wicketless in that match, but he'll get a five-for at some point and hit the headlines.

Sir Ian of Beef

2007-06-16T11:32:00.000+01:00

Ian Botham's finally been knighted.

When we grew up, Ian Botham was THE sportsman. Not just THE cricketer, but THE sportsman. In childlike arguments about who the 'best in the world' was - because things are so black and white when you're young - Ian Botham was the best batsman in the world and he was the best bowler in the world.

If nothing else that was a mark of his achievements, to be that well regarded by kids is the ultimate accolade in many ways.

Ian Botham has also raised the small matter of 10 million pounds for charity - primarily leukaemia and cancer charities.

Leukaemia mortality rates have fallen from 80% to 20% during the period that Botham's made this money. Obviously, budgets are huge, but 10 million pounds could support a particular research project for years so Ian Botham has undeniably made a tangible difference.

Will Jefferson and Stuart Broad selected for England A

2007-06-15T16:25:00.000+01:00

Only it's not England A. It's 'England Lions'.

Ian Brown once said: "There are no lions in England". Now he's been flatly contradicted. There will be 11 Lions and Will Jefferson and Stuart Broad will be among their number.

Stuart Broad lists 'growing taller' among his hobbies. Perhaps Will Jefferson's presence will inspire Stuart to ever greater heights.

They should have renamed the side 'England Brobdingnagians'.

Why don't they play cricket in the rain?

2007-06-15T14:11:00.000+01:00

Because the ball's rock hard and it digs into the soft ground, bouncing weirdly.

So this happens:

And then this:

This is Mark Vermeulen. He has a fractured head. Nobody wants a broken head.

The first one's not Mark Vermeulen. It's Dave Mohammed. Everyone loves Dave Mohammed.

Chris Gayle to captain Windies in one-dayers

2007-06-15T09:00:00.000+01:00

Brian Lara was captain at the end of the World Cup, then Ramnaresh Sarwan was captain for a Test and a half, then Darren Ganga for two and a half Tests. So it's Chris Gayle's turn now.

Gayle's caricatured as laid-back, cool and disinterested. We think the last one's harsh. No-one gets to where he is without a bit of passion, surely.

We know where he's coming from. We're not one for 'smiling' when we're happy or 'talking' when we're upset about something. Better to remain expressionless, like the man in the Hong Kong Phooey annual we owned as a child, who could look like anyone, but was later revealed to have no face of his own.

The front of his head was just blank. No features at all. Doubtless it was meant as a joke, but it chilled us to our very core as a child. How would someone with no mouth or eyes or anything live their life?

Hong Kong Phooey seemed unfazed by the phenomenon. That's canine martial artists for you.

Nick Compton tips the cup of runs

2007-06-14T09:55:00.000+01:00

Nick Compton hasn't appeared to be as run-thirsty as usual so far this season. He's taken a couple of sips of runs, but no large mouthful and certainly nothing approaching a quaff.

Yesterday, he hit his first hundred of the season, 110 not out, as Middlesex lost to Sussex in the catchily-named Friends Provident Trophy. The cup of runs has been tipped and Nick Compton will drink.

Drink, Nick. Drink! May your pull shots wet your lips. May your leg-glances fill your mouth. May your cover drives nearly drown you.

Drink! Drink from the cup of runs until it appears almost empty, then produce a second, slightly larger cup of runs and drink from that. When that runs dry, reveal to us that you have taken the opportunity to refill the first cup while you were drinking from the second. Drain the first cup once again.

Surprise us with a third cup of unusual dimensions and with an embossed design - drink from that. Attempt to drink from all three cups of runs simultaneously in a conspicuous attempt to persuade Peter Moores of your unquenchable thirst for runs.

Drink, Nick Compton! DRINK!

Benevolent Uncle Sanath signs for Lancashire

2007-06-13T09:24:00.000+01:00

Lancashire have signed Benevolent Uncle Sanath for the duration of the Twenty20, which is not a bad move at all. We're especially pleased, not just because Jayasuriya's so good, but because he seems like a really nice bloke.

We like it when Lancashire's overseas players are nice. It makes us feel warm; like we don't live in a world where people will steal the front wheel of your bike if you don't chain it to a policeman.

Apparently Benevolent Uncle Sanath retired from all forms of international cricket after the World Cup. We thought he would, but managed to miss the announcement anyway. We were probably busy staring into space and humming.

Bob Woolmer died of natural causes

2007-06-13T09:16:00.000+01:00

That Bob Woolmer wasn't murdered isn't good news as such - it's the absence of a very bad element of some bad news. Not cause for rejoicing, but everyone in cricket will appreciate that Woolmer's death has become something more commonplace. Now it's just very, very sad.

Mark Lawson (not the Yorkshire leg-spinner) wrote an interesting article about the media's increasing impatience and lack of need for demonstrable facts. To be fair, the police did say that it was murder. However, anything beyond that was pure supposition - and there was a lot beyond that.

We used to work for a local newspaper and even at that level reporters were very responsible about ensuring that anything published could be proven. We're always astounded by how more mainstream outlets weave great swathes of opinion within a factual report.

As a general rule of thumb, if a reporter says 'probably', 'possibly', 'perhaps' or 'maybe', just ignore anything to which this word relates. Unfortunately, many don't bother with such qualifiers any more, creating a certainty in their output that isn't warranted.

Graham Ford makes the right choice

2007-06-12T12:45:00.001+01:00

Miriam emailed us after Kent's director of cricket, Graham Ford, turned down the chance to become India's new coach:

"Graham Ford has chosen to remain at Kent with Rob Key rather than going to work with the likes of Dravid, Tendulkar, Dhoni, etc. Was there ever better proof of Rob Key's Power?"

In one regard, she's clearly right: Graham Ford has weighed up the players of India against Rob Key and the Indian squad has been found wanting. However, there is better proof of Rob Key's Power (upper-case P).

He emits a faint hum when he walks out to the crease. This is the sound of pent-up brilliance trying to escape. He can also hover inches from the floor, enabling him to get to the pitch of the ball more easily when facing spinners on a wearing pitch. There's also the ethereal glow that emanates from his being once he's seen the shine off the new ball.

Graham Ford would know these signs better than anyone.

Previous Rob Key post | Next

Could Monty Panesar become England's top wicket-taker of all time?

2007-06-12T08:58:00.000+01:00

Mike Atherton wrote in the actually-pretty-good Opening Up: My Autobiography that Phil Tufnell often felt the pressure when conditions were in his favour and he was expected to take wickets. He was hampered by this and often disappointed on the final day of Test matches.

Monty Panesar doesn't appear to suffer this affliction. Panesar took six second innings wickets to end up with ten for the match in the third Test at Old Trafford.

Panesar seems to expect wickets whenever he bowls, so perhaps there's no additional pressure when conditions favour spin - Panesar's own expectation is already sky-high.

We have an alternative method of dealing with expectation here at King Cricket. Rather than rise to meet it, we publish loads of dross to keep it manageable.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul's hundred not enough for him

2007-06-11T15:28:00.000+01:00

We've just got back from day five of the Old Trafford Test. We've never been to the Monday of a Test before. It's the missing link between county cricket crowds and Test match ones. It had the attendance of a Test match, but everyone was watching intently.

If you want to hear some guy shout to another three rows in front of him: "Graham: Show us your tats. Graham, Graham, show us your - oh... you're not Graham..." then attend a Test on a Saturday. If you want to hear a heartfelt standing ovation for a magnificent fourth innings hundred, go on a Monday. Both are good in their own ways.

That magnificent fourth innings hundred was of course that of Shivnarine Chanderpaul. Any batsman could learn a thing or two from Shiv. He's got one of the clearest batting minds in the game. He's forever weighing up the field, the pitch, the state of the game and how many balls he can let his partner face.

It was no mean feat to pass 100 on a pitch where consecutive deliveries from Monty Panesar bounced over the wicketkeeper's head and ran along the floor, despite pitching in roughly the same spot.

After the last wicket fell, we glanced at the big screen. In the background, Shiv was walking off the field shaking his head vigorously. It could have been about that final wicket, but more likely he was dissatisfied at having fallen short in what would have been a world record run-chase.

If you've watched much of the West Indies' last two tours to England, Shivnarine Chanderpaul will be a familiar sight. He now averages 68 in 10 Tests in this country.

England v West Indies, third Test, day three at Old Trafford
England 370 (Ian Bell 97, Alastair Cook 60)
West Indies 229 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 50, Monty Panesar 4-50)
England 313 (Alastair Cook 106, Kevin Pietersen 68, Darren Sammy 7-66)
West Indies 394 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 116 not out, Runako Morton 54, Monty Panesar 6-137, Steve Harmison 4-95)

England win the Test and hold an unassailable 2-0 lead with one Test to go.

Darren Sammy takes seven wickets

2007-06-10T08:13:00.000+01:00

Darren Sammy must have the tallest head in cricket. He's quite tall anyway, but a good proportion of that's just his head. It's a very tall head. Take a look.

Ah, DJ Sammy, a shining light on a day of unrelenting shod from the West Indies. What a debut.

As far as we could tell from the stands, Darren Sammy bowled some good deliveries in taking his seven wickets. They weren't wild heaves from the batsmen, for the most part.

What worries us, however, is that he will now be undroppable for a period on the basis of this one good day. It seems that many of the West Indian players can hold their places on the basis of one-off performances when things went their way. Really it should require more consistent achievement to warrant more Test appearances.

The players aren't doing a lot, so it doesn't take much to stand out from the crowd, but if you're in the team, you can live off past (minor) glories, so the crowd remains. This is why sides always hanker after 'competition for places'.

England v West Indies, third Test, day three at Old Trafford
England 370 (Ian Bell 97, Alastair Cook 60)
West Indies 229 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 50, Monty Panesar 4-50)
England 313 (Alastair Cook 106, Kevin Pietersen 68, Darren Sammy 7-66)
West Indies 22-1

West Indian fielding

2007-06-10T08:10:00.001+01:00

What was going on out there yesterday?

Three streakers, a batsman's helmet getting him out, a wicketkeeper getting hit in the face and fielding that made you want to cry for about a year, whether you were West Indian or not.

It was summed up quite well when Darren Powell came over to bring a drink to Fidel Edwards, who was fielding in front of our stand. The previous hour had contained a good percentage of the day's joke fielding. Someone in the crowd shouted: "Hey Darren. How do you get dropped from this team?"

Powell laughed, but it was a good question really.

The slow rolling ball that went straight between Jerome Taylor's legs and for four was our favourite. That happened immediately before lunch and the stand-in West Indies coach, David Moore, must have spent the next 40 minutes bollocking Taylor. In a fair world, Taylor wouldn't have reappeared after the break and Moore would still be bollocking him now, not having drawn breath at any point.

England v West Indies, third Test, day three at Old Trafford
England 370 (Ian Bell 97, Alastair Cook 60)
West Indies 229 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 50, Monty Panesar 4-50)
England 313 (Alastair Cook 106, Kevin Pietersen 68, Darren Sammy 7-66)
West Indies 22-1

Alastair Cook's appetite for runs

2007-06-10T08:02:00.000+01:00

Shortly after reaching his hundred, Alastair Cook received a straight delivery and played yet another forward defensive stroke. We liked that.

It said that just because England were 400 ahead and he had his hundred, there were still days to go in this match, so Ali Cook was just going to carry on doing what he'd been doing all day: Staying in and scoring the odd run.

We admire professionalism. But only in others.

England v West Indies, third Test, day three at Old Trafford
England 370 (Ian Bell 97, Alastair Cook 60)
West Indies 229 (Shivnarine Chanderpaul 50, Monty Panesar 4-50)
England 313 (Alastair Cook 106, Kevin Pietersen 68, Darren Sammy 7-66)
West Indies 22-1

Strauss being conspicuously indifferent to Strauss

2007-06-08T13:36:00.000+01:00

Lemon Bella sent us this:

Lemon Bella says: "Here is a photo of my cat, Strauss, being conspicuously indifferent to a copy of The Wisden Cricketer.

"That edition has Andrew Strauss on the cover too. So StraussCat is not only being conspicuously indifferent to cricket, but also conspicuously indifferent to his namesake's captaincy ambitions."

We're particularly impressed with how Strauss has found what looks like a small piece of paper and trained his gaze on that in order to underline his indifference to cricket.

More animals being indifferent to cricket

Fidel Edwards shows what speed can do

2007-06-08T09:49:00.000+01:00

Paul Collingwood took a fearful battering yesterday, getting hit on a number of occasions, but Liam Plunkett's wicket was the only reward for Fidel Edwards.

On Test Match Special, Viv Richards immediately perceived Plunkett as being intimidated. Viv's seen some of the greatest ever fast bowlers from a position in the slips. He can see a lack of stomach much sooner than less seasoned eyes.

According to Viv, Plunkett was making a subtle movement towards the leg-side. It wasn't even that pronounced when we watched the replays, but Viv was certain: Plunkett would rather the timber took the force of the ball than himself - at least to some degree.

A ball or so later, Liam Plunkett was as bowled as bowled can be. We mention this because it was perhaps an example of what we said about how a fast bowler can influence a batsman's behaviour. A quick ball at middle stump wouldn't have bowled Plunkett but for the balls that preceded it.

Later in the day, Fidel Edwards rang one on Steve Harmison's helmet. Steve Harmison loomed over Edwards, having run a bye and gave him the most evil of smiles. We hope that's a sign of intent for when he comes to bowl.

England v West Indies, third Test, day one at Old Trafford
England 296-7 (Ian Bell 77 not out)

Ian Bell was very composed

2007-06-08T09:08:00.000+01:00

Wasn't he? A lot of England's batsmen seemed to have forgotten that it was a five-day match. Kevin Pietersen, we're looking at you. Matthew Prior, your name's on the list. Ian Bell took bloody ages to get going, but he wasn't bothered.

The West Indies bowled well and most of England's batsmen gave quite a few chances. Bell played one moronic shot and was livid with himself. Other than that, he was mighty careful.

Are we striking Ian Bell's name from the 'may get dropped when everyone's fit' list?

England v West Indies, third Test, day one at Old Trafford
England 296-7 (Ian Bell 77 not out)

DJ Sammy makes Test debut

2007-06-07T16:06:00.000+01:00

You do all realise that those are Darren Sammy's initials, don't you?

It's Darren Sammy's Test debut today. He's bowling quite well.

In tribute, we're humming DJ Sammy's cover of Don Henley's 'Boys Of Summer' over here in purgatory.

Worcestershire v Warwickshire match report

2007-06-07T11:58:00.000+01:00

Bitter local rivals Worcestershire and Warwickshire clashed in the Friends Provident Trophy on Sunday. There was bound to be a bit of edge to proceedings.

Chris reports:

"The toffee ice-cream was particularly fine. A highlight was a fat Warwickshire man with an enormous voice. His encouraging rants boomed across the field for two hours or so. He then shouted "rubbish" and was not heard again as Worcestershire marched to 230-odd for none.

"The broomwork of the groundstaff on the wicket after the match was exquisite and there was also an impromptu quiz: "Which players have reached 40,000 first class runs?" asked a man with Wisden resting on his stomach."

Thanks Chris. This report is even more impressive for the fact that it arrived within half an hour of our request for match reports.

Tell us about the cricket

2007-06-07T09:50:00.000+01:00

It's the Old Trafford Test today - the highlight of the Mancunian cricketing calendar. What kind of calendar have you got? One with badgers on? Not us. Ian "Fatty" Austin's July. We can't wait.

We'll be attending the Test on Saturday (day three), so if there's an update on Saturday evening, er, it's not us. It's, er... we'll have been hacked or something. Definitely not us though.

If you're attending a Test or indeed any form of cricket this summer, why not send us a report.

However, under no circumstances should you actually mention the cricket itself. If you concentrate on the incidental and the downright mundane, that'll make us very happy indeed.

The only exception is if you're playing a game with your mate down the drive and the stumps are chalked on the garage door. In that situation, or a similar one, we really do want to know how the match went.

Fidel Edwards' progress

2007-06-06T11:00:00.000+01:00

The West Indies should definitely play Fidel Edwards at Old Trafford. He's mighty quick and the Old Trafford pitch is rock hard. West Indies' other bowlers haven't looked like bowling England out. Wickets are sorely needed.

The West Indies have long been trying to relocate the line of great fast bowlers that seemingly ended when Courtney Walsh retired. When we watched Fidel Edwards bowl at Marcus Trescothick in the first Test of the 2004 series at Sabina Park in Jamaica, we thought they'd succeeded.

The first ball of Edwards' fourth over was an absolutely searing bouncer. It passed near enough to Trescothick's head for him to know about it, carried on rising and went for four byes. The next ball was full and quicker still - well over 90mph. It feathered Trescothick's bat before meeting his stumps head on, sending them spearing into the crowd, like homicidal javelins.

Okay, so we don't really remember where the stumps went. We do remember those deliveries however. It was classic fast bowling.

If you think that cricket's just a technical game that's all about bowling more consistently than the opposition and making fewer batting mistakes, you clearly didn't see how rattled Trescothick was.

The point is that you can influence your opponents and that's part of the game. That's why Shane Warne has so much to say when he's bowling and that's why fast bowlers can sometimes get batsmen out with bad balls.

Fidel Edwards was 22 then. He's 25 now and he's made precisely no progress. The West Indies are currently picking Corey Collymore ahead of him - an opening bowler so slow that the wicketkeeper can stand up to the stumps.

Andrew Strauss needs a few runs

2007-06-06T08:38:00.000+01:00

England's batsmen are scoring runs for fun. All except Andrew Strauss.

In his last 13 innings since the start of the Ashes, he's passed 50 once. In fact, he didn't pass it. He got a round 50 in the first innings in Melbourne.

Since that 50 his scores have been 31, 29, 24, 33, 24 and 15. These aren't the scores of an opening batsman being a victim of the new ball. These are the scores of a batsman not pushing on.

You've got to push on. If you're a batsman, this is the process in full: Play yourself in. Push on to 50. 'Convert' your 50 to a hundred. Get a 'big score' or a 'big hundred'. See it like a football.

We think you only 'see it like a football' once you've passed 150. Maybe it's after 158, which would explain KP's tendency to get out on that score.

Lasith Malinga - cheat?

2007-06-05T14:18:00.000+01:00

This is slightly apropos of nothing, but there's always someone moaning about Lasith Malinga's bowling action.

One of his critics' main points is that he breaks the rules and cheats. We don't actually think that Malinga does break the rules, but let's assume for a moment that he does.

What is 'cheating'? It's gaining an unfair advantage somehow, isn't it? Even if Malinga does break the rules, does he get an unfair advantage?

No. He doesn't get any advantage at all through the way he bowls. It's a disadvantage. It's a crippling disadvantage and it's miraculous that he's so effective. He succeeds in spite of his action, not because of it.

Have any of his critics attempted to bowl like him to see the true effects of his 'cheating'? When the first two deliveries get fielded by deep square leg and the third by cover, they'll realise that Malinga's round-arm action isn't cheating.

Heart of the Congos

2007-06-04T17:25:00.000+01:00

We said that we had another suggestion as to how you can all Caribbeanise your lives for the summer. Our suggestion is Heart of the Congos by The Congos.

This record. Is fantastic.

We originally bought Heart of the Congos because we knew that Lee 'Scratch' Perry had produced it. We've always liked Lee Perry because he writes songs about 'public jestering' and buying fried chicken. He's a man who insisted people call him 'Pipecock Jaxxon' for a period.

But Heart of the Congos isn't like that at all - although Perry did wire a rake and do some furious gardening to record the rhythm track on one song. But don't let that put you off. We couldn't even tell you which track it was and we've heard the album a thousand times.

It's beautiful. It's slow and echoey, like all dub records, but it's got none of the quirky touches of Lee Perry's music (bar the raking). The songs are all great, but the album as a whole's even better.

Quite simply, nothing else like it has ever been recorded. We mean that literally. We don't mean it's the best record ever - maybe you won't even like it - we mean it's unique.

We could try and describe it better, but it's pointless. It's got a feel and the feel's the main thing.

Buy Heart of the Congos (if you're in the UK)

Buy Upsetter: Essential Madness From The Scratch Files for Lee Perry performing, not producing - including classics such as 'Cow Thief Skank', 'Bathroom Skank' and 'Bionic Rats'.

Or maybe get Super Ape, which is a proper Lee Perry album and not a best of.

Heart of the Congos is the main one though. That's the real recommendation.

Want to win a cricket bat from a lingerie website?

2007-06-04T08:39:00.001+01:00

Mio Destino are a lingerie website.

They've got a competition.

You can win a signed Sussex CCC cricket bat...

Enter here