England’s batting looks weaker than weak

England’s batting looks weaker than a single hair with a monster truck hanging off it. In the second innings of the warm-up match against India A, Matthew Hoggard top scored. We’re sure even Matthew Hoggard doesn’t want that to happen again. Let’s write that again on a line of its own.

In the second innings of the warm-up match against India A, Matthew Hoggard top scored.

Marcus Trescothick has gone home for personal reasons; Michael Vaughan is waiting to see whether a cortisone injection into his knee has any effect; Kevin Pietersen retired hurt in the first innings and didn’t bat in the second; Andrew Strauss is woefully out of form, as is Andrew Flintoff; Paul Collingwood suffered a back spasm a day or so ago and just about anyone could fall victim to a bad menu selection at any moment. That leaves us with Ian Bell.

Alastair Cook has been called up, which is really annoying because it renders an article we’ve written completely redundant. Now we’re not even going to get as far as someone deleting it from their inbox without reading it.

James Anderson has also been called up. Either there’s a worry in the pace department as well or he’s being used as company for Alastair Cook on the series of long flights they’ll be taking. James Anderson is destined never to play cricket. He was on the A-tour to play some actual competitive matches, but now he’s going to hang around hotels again, same as he does every winter.

On top of all of this Dheeraj Jadhav totally let us down with 20 and 18.